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I’m disappointed, I thought Mike Soroka was the first Thai-born pitcher. One thing about Soroka, he really brings the heat. He’ll also answer to Mike The Rooster Sauce. He’s the spiciest prospect since Pirates’ Single-A phenom, Ravi Gospepradam, and the Padres’ Tony Tarasco. If only they had that Jays’ prospect, Tom Yum Khai, to cool their palette. The Braves alone have MLB’s staff highest on the Scoville Scale: Soroka, Luiz Goharabnero, Mike Frankshotsaucewicz, Sean Capsium and Julio Tahiniran. Tahini isn’t hot, unless you’re eating it in Iran! Well, I guess Tahini could be spicy. If you can make mayo spicy, like Spicymayohiro Tanaka. Yesterday, Soroka went 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks in only 80 pitches, to show you how on the plate he was with that 95 MPH heat. In Triple-A, he had a 9.5 K/9, 2 BB/9 and 1.99 ERA with nearly neutral luck. Against the Mets, he touched the corners of the plate the entire night, barely giving anyone something easy to hit. This was in a debut for a 20-year-old. He had more poise than Tootie with a book on her head. It’s gonna be hard to send him down, but I don’t know what’s in store for him. He might get the Walker Buehler treatment with the occasional start, bouncing between the majors and Triple-A. Either way, The Rooster Sauce looks red hot! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yoenis Cespedes – 3-for-4 and his 7th homer. Neato! Wait, that’s the Mets catcher.
Noah Syndergaard – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.10. I don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but Syndergaard didn’t look especially sharp. Even Soroka hit a couple of ropes (caught, but still).
Miguel Sano – Hit the DL. Or I have another theory! Miguel Sano is Paper Boi from Atlanta. Have you ever seen them both in the same place at once? I rest my case!
Byron Buxton – Unable to run on Tuesday. Luckily, to pick up the pace of play, MLB has instituted a dirt bike-to-first on bunts rule. Hopefully Bumgarner never has to bunt.
Kyle Gibson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Not quite as impressive as his last start, but more Ks than innings is still a new, more interesting look on Gibson. Like you combing your eyebrows up.
Eddie Rosario – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .242. Everyone — yes, even you — wants to drop Rosario in the comments. Guys and five girls, he’s one hot week away from being exactly where you want him.
Kendrys Morales – 3-for-3, and two homers (2, 3). I’m just gonna go ahead and call his family–Wait, Morales is fogging up the mirror under his nose! He’s alive!
Delino DeShields – 2-for-6 and a slam (1) and legs (4), hitting .267. Just as I predicted he’d break out. Dot dot dot. Two years ago.
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 4-for-6, and his 2nd homer, hitting .294. You can’t stop Falefa, you can only hope to wrap him in a pita. I looked at his last ten games, and it’s a little meh, but maybe this is a schmotato risin’.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-6, 1 run, 3 RBIs and his 2nd day in a row being mentioned, so he must be hot, but Profar hitting third is so crazy. If you’re allergic, don’t look at the Rangers’ box score, because that shizz is nuts.
Mike Clevinger – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.82. On one hand, that’s better than I expected from him, though the Stream-o-Nator did like the start. On the other hand, Texas hasn’t been very good. On a third hand that is actually Hamburger Helper, Clevinger’s peripherals still have me pretty shook.
Michael Brantley – 1-for-6 and a grand slam (3). Hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day. And, if there’s anything that illustrates Brantley, it’s something broken.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, as he hit leadoff. In related news, the less you know, the better off your chances of securing a job as a MLB manager. They are all literally throwing crap against a wall.
Matt Adams – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers (4, 5), as he was moved to the three hole. Hot schmotato alert! Or at least a ‘hitting in a good place in a lineup’-mato.
Adam Eaton – Remains shut down. Which is also the fortune cookie message he received four years ago. Damn you, fortune cookies, and your righteous messaging!
Tyler Glasnow – 1 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.71. The Nationals must’ve saw a fire because they decided to break Glasnow.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .311. Yesterday, I said he might be finding his power stroke after a home run, today, I’m saying up jump the boogie on the schmotato!
Mark Trumbo – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Feels like the Launch Angle Revolution left Trumbo behind. Sad Trumbone.
Keynan Middleton – Hit the DL with elbow inflammation. The Angels went to Cam Bedrosian (1 IP, 2 ER) last night for the save and Cam came and went *raspberries lips*. Before that, I assumed Bedrosian would be the closer, but yeah. If the platypus is a duck designed by a committee, the Angels’ bullpen is a yuck designed by committee. Bedrosian, Blake Parker, Justin Anderson and maybe even Jim Johnson could see saves.
Nick Tropeano – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.42. The Stream-o-Nator loved this start yesterday, and did not disappoint. Tropeano’s next one is less appealing.
Yonny Chirinos – Hit the DL due to a forearm strain. Nice Yonny’ing you!
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.05. Hey, only 75 more innings like that, and we’ll be back at square one! On the reals, his velocity is off, and he may be closer to a 9.7-10 K/9 vs. the 11+ K/9 he was last year.
Shane Greene – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks and the save. Easy, peezy, don’t wear Yeezys!
Brett Anderson – Will join the A’s rotation on Wednesday. He had a 8.89 ERA with the A’s this year, so call him B.A. Brokeass.
Dee Gordon – 5-for-5, 1 run, 2 steals (11, 12), hitting .339. Gordon’s like, “When you talk about my fantasy value, keep Billy Hamilton’s name out yo’ mouth.”
Mitch Moreland – 3-for-6, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Mitch got that schmotato vibe!
Jorge Soler – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .306. He’s having a decent start for him. If “for him” is the key, then show me the blech.
Jake Junis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.29. This start came in Fenway, and I would’ve benched Junis if I saw that prior to the game starting, but thanks to some divine inattention, it didn’t backfire.
A.J. Pollock – 1-for-3 and a slam (10) and legs (7). Yo, I never heard of any Blackmon Pollock, but I think we’re seeing him.
Rich Hill – Will start on Sunday in Mexico. Can they climb up Hill to get over the wall?
Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.86, WHIP at 1.14. Dat WHIP tho. How long until Kershaw says his back is bothering him?
Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 1.13, WHIP at 0.67. All of this is possible, of course, when you are helping your spin rate with more foreign substances than The Great Kabuki at a Sephora. Has everyone heard about this? On Twitter, Trevor Bauer called out the Astros for using a foreign substance (pine tar) to help their spin rate, then Alex Bregman called Trevor “Tyler,” then Lance McCullers said, “Here’s my gyroscope curve ball I’ve thrown in 1,200 of the last 1,199 pitches. You guys!”
Ken Giles – 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Against the Yankees, he must’ve felt that playoff atmosphere. Bad day to quit barbiturates, and to drop Devenski.
Jordan Montgomery – Headed for tests on his stiff elbow. It’s not stiff, it’s al dente.
Domingo German – Yankees are saying guten tag to German, and calling him up to replace Jo-Mo. His Ks are insane (12.2 K/9), but so are his walks (5.2 BB/9) and his minor league ERA is 5.23. Prospector Ralph said, “A power pitcher with a tweener profile, German made his MLB debut in 2017, after dominating the upper minors. German mixes a mid 90’s heater that’s been clocked as high as 97, with a curveball, and a changeup, that both hint at average or better potential. If German can develop his secondaries into major league pitches, he could hit a mid-rotation type ceiling. More than likely he ends up a reliever. Too bad he can’t relieve us of Grey.” Aw, geez!
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Giles threw an 88 MPH bobo and Gary saw the door Kraken and busted through it.
Johnny Cueto – Hit the DL again with an elbow issue. The Fantasy Baseball Overlord is a cruel, cruel master. “I chew pitchers’ arms for breakfast, and burp out careers.” Damn, FBO, chillax.
Christian Villanueva – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .317. On pace for 45 homers, what’s your corner man doing?
Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.28. He’s a must-start in Petco. And last night’s game was in San Fran, which is same diff. Only in San Diego splashdown homers is when a home run causes a picnicker to spill their Chardonnay.
Jesus Aguilar – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .367. Not a ton recently, but I’m cyclops’ing Jesus hard, which sounds like a twisted Bible verse.
Corey Knebel – Set for a rehab assignment. In the time it took you to read that, Josh Hader struck out the side.
Scooter Gennett – His shoulder MRI showed no structural damage. It did, however, show a key to a locker in Penn Station that had a mysterious briefcase. Hollywood better option that MRI!
Jose Peraza – 2-for-4, 2 runs and 2 steals (4, 5), hitting .296. Still plenty of room on the Peraza bandwagon.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .327. Honestly, I’m confused by all the comments about whether or not people should pick up Suarez. How is he available? Is your league for money? Can I get in?
Chase Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Anderson came away with the win because Homer Bailey is still in the league. Inconceivable!
Bud Norris – 1 IP, 0 ER, in a tie game, ERA at 1.88. Cards’ president John Mozeliak said Norris is the closer for the foreseeable future. We will now find out how far in the future Mozeliak can see. Two weeks? Three days? 45 minutes?
Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (3 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.62. Two steps forwards, one step back, eh? I was watching other games, so I can’t say for sure if Wacha looked as meh as the line, but if anyone had eyes on the game, please share in the comments.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. I wish someone would send me a sign. *Carpenter and Jesus homer on the same day* Yup, still nothing. Oh well.
Joakim Soria – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his 2nd blown save. Surprised it’s only two blown saves, I thought it was more than that. Nate Jones is still the BDSM device. Hmm, shouldn’t have used a thesaurus for handcuff.
Jarlin Garcia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.09 vs. Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.50. They were playing in Miami, so there’s obviously better places for The Regression Fairies to be than a Marlins game. Specifically, Marlins’ Jarlin (say that fast 117 times!) is due for a major regression, and I wouldn’t touch him.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4 as he hit leadoff. HR to the Rizzo! (This home run was such a joke, a popup to left field, but maybe it’ll get Rizzo going.)
Jon Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.99. Conditions were not ideal. The wind was blowing out at 55 knots, which means many ropes would be home runs. Thankfully, Gray weathered the storm, so baseball’s been Halle Berry Berry good to me.
David Dahl – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. More importantly, CarGo was in the lineup, so maybe the Rockies will do the right thing and start Dahl. Like at P.F. Chang’s, I have reservations.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. I’m honored you’d entrust your family photos with me. I will set them by this open window–NOOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Ryan McMahon – Optioned to Triple-A. The Rockies really set him up for success. Confidence builders, they are! They’re like your dad who said, “You’re a great Monopoly player, and we’ll finish the game when I return from taking the babysitter home,” then, 15 years later when your dad and the babysitter showed up at a family reunion with a new family, and your dad said, “How about we finish that game, champ?”
