On Saturday, Marcell Ozuna was arrested for domestic violence. Proving this year, he’s a piece of shit on and off the field. There’s no way he plays again this year. Too bad he’ll miss Player’s Nickname weekend, when they could’ve put on his uniform back, “I’m A Garbage Human.” My guess is Ozuna’s suspension goes into next year too; the Braves void his contract, and he’s playing the outfield somewhere with Puig. By ‘somewhere’ I mean not in the MLB, as he rightfully becomes Ozuna non-grata. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.84, as he was activated from the IL. Cougs keeps saying I have to watch Captain Fantastic, and I keep saying, I have, and his name is Taijuan.
Trevor Story – Hit the IL with elbow tightness. Hey, am I losing much by replacing Trevor Story with Alex Blandino on my NL-Only teams? *insert Tommen falling out a window* Brendan Rodgers just got guaranteed everyday at-bats for the foreseeable future. He was my lede in Buy column on Friday. I jinxed Story, didn’t I?
— Razzball (@Razzball) May 29, 2021
Julio Urias – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.61. What a sideways shizz show.
Cody Bellinger – 0-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the IL on Saturday. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “If the fountain in the main lobby is the same water as in the bathrooms, I’m not sure how what I did was wrong.”
Mauricio Dubon – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Box score says he has three homers, but, as someone who sadly has this guy in a league, I don’t remember one decent game from him.
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.40, and out after 72 pitches. He left with hip tightness. Take my hand, bow your head, and form a hexagon.
Austin Slater – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in the last five games. Gotta watch for platoons, but hot schmotato alert.
Roman Quinn – Hit the 60-day IL with an Achilles injury. Too bad the Phils have no one else–*cough* Cornelius Randolph *cough*. Sorry, I think I’m coming down with a Randcough. What, was that too Cornylius?
Mike Zunino – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .222. Catcher questions incoming in 3, 2, 1…
Jake Odorizzi – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.75, as he was activated from the IL. Odorizzi returned after a month on the IL, and threw 20 more pitches than Paddack has in six weeks! Liked Odorizzi when he first signed with the Astros, but that ship has sailed, landed in a New World, where Cleveland is the home to the Indians, and every pitcher is good, so in shallower leagues I’d use the Streamonator for Odorizzi.
Brandon Woodruff – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.27 vs. Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.34. This matchup was billed as one guy who sounds like what everyone names their dog and what I want to name my next dog — Max vs. Arfer Woofruff.
Avisail Garcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Don’t think he’s rostered in less than 50% of leagues, but if Avisail is, uh, available: hot schmotato alert.
Omar Narvaez – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .306. Realmuto has 4 HRs, hitting .286. Cust kayin’.
Ross Stripling – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.11. When I was single, I used to be 5’11” with size 17 shoes, because I’d jam my sneakers with phonebooks.
Josh Naylor – 3-for-6 and his 5th homer, hitting .253. Like Naylor more than perhaps is warranted, and, even I have to admit, he’s at best a 20/.270 hitter. Much better two-hole hitter. Hey now!
Jesus Luzardo – Activated from the IL, and will work out of the bullpen for now. That should last as long as it takes for me to say, “Cole Irvin,” assuming Luzardo doesn’t just miss getting to a next level in a video game.
Yusei Kikuchi – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.88. He’s already brought one game into the 7th with a no-hitter, and, yesterday, he took a no-hitter into the 5th. Kikuchi is the ace lurking at the back of your pitching staff, huh? Time to take a dive! *looks at his player page* Well, usable, but surprisingly yawnstipating. All the talk about his increased velocity made me think I was going to be drooling at his peripherals. Better than a streamer, but too many homers allowed and not enough Ks for his command.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. The lesser of the Seager brothers in drafts, who should likely be the greater of the two. Corey Seager, see there, shade. That sounds like a half-realized poem at Def Poetry Jam.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Not to get greedy, but I have homers coming from a bunch of guys. Hit .340 this year, Ketel, and you and I will be best friends, then you can pick up the check for me, and laugh at my jokes and do all the things a best friend does.
Dylan Carlson – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .270. Member in April when I kept regretting not drafting Carlson, yeah, about that.
Jorge Soler – Out with a groin issue. Sounds like me in high school. Hey, good news all you prospecting junkies! You giant ding dongs of upside! You wild boys of the waiver wire! Check out the next blurb!
Edward Olivares – 2-for-4, 1 run, as he was called up, and I grabbed him in a 15-team mixer. He has speed and power, hitting five homers and stealing seven bags in only 20 games of Triple-A this year, and, oh, a tidy .395.
Hunter Dozier – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .143. Throw out the Mendoza Line this year and have the Man, Dozier Line.
Greg Holland – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.86 and the save. With Staumont on the IL, the Royals might go with Barlow, Zimmer or Holland, which really would be them going Dutch. If they go with just Holland, well, you don’t have to be clairvoyant to see blown saves in the future for the Royals.
Max Kepler – Hit the IL. That gives more playing time to Rob Refsnyder. Is it me or does everyone sing Refsnyder like DMX? Meh, prolly just me. Little to no interest for me in Refsnyder, but he has been a hot schmotato.
Blake Snell – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.55. Blake Snell is the slapdick prospect. I hate him. Then, coming into the game was Joe Musgrove (5 IP, 0 ER, zero baserunners, ERA at 2.08), which so effin’ dumb. The Padres were down by seven runs. Take the L and move on, rather than risk hurting your best SP (or 2nd best to Yu Darvish). Even though, it worked out fine for Musgrove, it’s bad process. Plus, when can he pitch again now? I get it, the Padres had to rest their bullpen, but do the Padres not need starters? It sure seems the opposite. If you’re losing and want to save your bullpen, do as every other team, and throw a position player.
Wil Myers – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. We’re coming up on 60 games played, and if Myers did this shizz last year, he would’ve been ranked around 250th overall, and that once scary Padres’ lineup, looks pretty meh, after FTJ.
Ha-Seong Kim – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .195. No matter what he does people will still overrate the next ‘big-time slugger’ who comes over from the KBO. Just as they did after Jung-ho Kang. For reference point, in the KBO, Dan Straily is Roger Clemens.
Kyle Tucker – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .230. My big worry with Tucker was he would be a .230 hitter, but now that everyone’s a .230 hitter, does that make me right or wrong? Wrong, huh? Sigh.
Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.67. That’s a whole lot better than paying extra for guac at Chipotle.
Trevor Rogers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.87. Yeah, and you don’t stop. Cause it’s a 1.87 ERA.
Nathan Eovaldi – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.01. I’ve already decided no matter what Eovaldi does I will never recommend you draft him again. Not that I don’t think he can be good, but no one ever wants to hold him. The questions to drop him are nonstop!
Deivi Garcia – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.48, as he was recalled from Scranton/Jamaal Wilkes-Barre, and likely sent back there after this start.
Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.59. This start was vs. the Yanks, a team much scarier on paper, and that paper is stained yellow from the sun and has a picture of Jeter on it.
Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.78. If you drafted Kyle Gibson, Alex Cobb and Robbie Ray, you’d have a solid backend of your pitching staff, assuming your leaguemates didn’t commit you to an insane asylum for drafting those three guys. “Hey, guys, can I get this strait jacket removed now? Hello…?” That’s you waiting on your friends.
Tyler Mahle – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.42. This time T. Mahle burns so good!
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer, hitting .163 with a .241 OBP, as he hits leadoff still. Just an absolute giant brain oozing out of David Bell’s ears.
DJ Stewart – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer, and he was last week’s hot schmotato because he was hitting dongs on the daily, and he’s still going. BTW, Hittin’ Dongs On The Daily was such a classic Nicki Minaj album.
Lucas Giolito – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.73. Orioles are around a league average offense, so this was more Giolito being great vs. Orioles being bad. His fastball velocity was up (hitting 97, sitting around 95), which couldn’t have hurt his change, and that produced 57% Whiff Rate, and his slider was at 50%. This start looked like what people were paying 2nd round value for with Giolito.
Billy Hamilton – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Billy Hamilton only has two barrels in the past three seasons, as he ties Gleyber Torres on the year for homers, and Nomar Mazara. Speaking of Nomar, Billy Hamilton has more career White Sox home runs than Mazara had on the Pale Hose. Next up for Hamilton will be tying Juan Soto with four homers and that’s when I commit a war crime.
Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.37. And yet another short start for Lynn; this one at 82 pitches. If I were in the White Sox clubhouse, I’d double check with Tony La Russa on something. “Hey, Tony, when we told you Lance Lynn had thrown 100 pitches in 34 straight starts, were you sober?”