Hope everyone is having a nice Memorial Day weekend, and enjoying some baseball, or as Chef Boyardee calls it, Our National Pastatime. This Monday let’s remember all the other red-white-blue American things one hears backstage at a Larry The Cable Guy concert, including burping and farting and wearing an American flag t-shirt. Eat a D, ISIS! Much like how America was just a Platonic ideal, then went to Washington and had to get its hands dirty with the gory details of governing, we have MacKenzie Gore (7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks (career-high), ERA at 3.57) getting his hands dirty with making good on the promise of being a top prospect. Yesterday, he threw 106 pitches, 75 were strikes, and 23 were swinging. Overall, his command is still a bit wonky — 11.5 K/9, 4.3 BB/9, 3.48 xFIP — but if the Ks are that good, the command won’t hurt him. Those Ks are Murica thru & thru. Not spelling shizz out is Murica too. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Edward Olivares – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. After his homer, he was immediately replaced in the lineup. Heard from the bench, “Who let Olivares play? That’s unacceptable!”

Daniel Lynch – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, as he was activated from a shoulder injury he sustained back in March. What’s kinda funny in a non-funny way, Lynch was shut down for “seven to ten days” on March 24th, and, here we are more than two months later. Any hoo! He induced 14 swing and misses on 95 pitches, and threw 59 strikes. I still contest the Royals should let Da. Lynch wear Blue Velvet, and prolly nothing more than a Streamonator call for now in mixed leagues.

Tyler Glasnow – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, as he was activated from the IL. I’m not saying he looks exactly like Cillian Murphy or that this is a tie-in for the upcoming film, Oppenheimer, but I’m not saying it’s not either. Was that actually Cillian Murphy pitching for the Rays? Who’s to say? Here’s hoping Glasnow stays on the field until the end of the season. Any chance of that happening? I have an OL, but I seem to misplaced my L, so you’ll have to guess what I’m doing “out loud.”

Isaac Paredes – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. Also, Luke Raley (2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs) and his 7th steal, and all seven steals came in the month of May. The entire Astros team has 9 steals in the month.

Jason Adam – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.22, as he got his 7th save, mean’s while, Pete Fairbanks’s hip locked up on him. Doesn’t sound as bad as forearm or elbow issues, but could be an IL.

Gavin Stone – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 14.40. He had a rocky 1st inning, and an Apollo Creed in Rocky 4 2nd inning.

Chris Taylor – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .213. Chris Taylor is the best player with four position eligibility. “I’m comin for ya!” That’s Aledmys Diaz vying for the four-position-eligibility crown.

Trayce Thompson – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. He broke an 0-for-40 streak. Fun fact! “Oh for a forty” was a common refrain wistfully said by Billy Dee Williams.

Max Muncy – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 17th homer, but left with a knee injury. He stayed in initially so I’m going to diagnose his injury, as most doctors do, by reading reports from fantasy news sites, and say it’s no big deal.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Just Dong because he has to.

Francisco Alvarez – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, as he moves up the two-hole, and it’s three days after I had him in my Buy column.

Ryan McMahon – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .238. Just start everyone in Coors from now until the temperature drops again in September.

Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .287. Who is Chazz Noir if he never played for the Rockies? *wavy lines* Hey, what am I doing in my Little League uniform with a giant beard?

Jacob deGrom – Threw a 31-pitch bullpen session. You might remember the previous report last week said he threw a “32-pitch session.” By September, he will throw one pitch per game.

Andrew Heaney – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.76. With the mess that pitching is, a 3.76 ERA feels downright Bob Gibsonian with a 1.12 ERA.

Grayson Rodriguez – Optioned to Norfolk. Oddly enough, that came right after I told him to folk off. Prolly my biggest miss of the season. Was convinced he’d be AT LEAST FREAKIN SERVICEABLE! Like as good as Rich freakin’ Hill! My son, you are quite literally the worst pitcher of all-time. Enjoy riding the bus, you absolute bum! You clearly take after your mother! I hate you so much! By the way, I’m so damaged I saw Grayson was lined up for a two-start week next week and I was briefly disappointed he was sent down. I will now punch myself in the head.

Kyle Bradish – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Streamonator says this Schmoriole is in an away game next time out, but it’s another good park. Kinda conflicted because everyone I started yesterday was awful, and everyone I didn’t start was solid, so up you are down.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Au Shizz!

Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m not hoarding paper clips, I am making a paper clip chain to hang out the window for the GrubHub guy to attach my bag of food.”

Dylan Cease – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.88. Pitching was so bad yesterday, Cease’s line looks downright ace-y!

Michael Lorenzen – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Streamed him last week for the two-star week, and it was so-so, and Streamonator hates his next so, uh, so I dropped him, which already feels like a mistake.

Akil Baddoo – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (5), 2nd homer in four games. Yabba dabba Baddoo!

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.13. Not sure how long he made his deal with the devil to pitch well in this landscape of terrible pitching, but hopefully it’s until October.

Zack Wheeler – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Wow, another tribute to Tina Turner. With Wheeler rolling, rolling, rolling, yeah (rolling).

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .168, and just missed another homer. He’s going to get to 50 homers (and 50 hits).

Austin Riley – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Riley hit that one a miley.

Matt Olson – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer. *genuflecting* Allahson!

Spencer Strider – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.97. They said on the game that he recorded his 100th strikeout faster than anyone in 130 years, which sounds incorrect, but there ya go.

Patrick Wisdom – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer. I go over Wisdom in the video at the top of the page. The Wisdom of my sell persists.

Spencer Steer – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, as he hits third behind The Fantastic McLain (4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, 1st steal), and Steer’s 2nd homer in the last week, and hitting near-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!

Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer. Captain Woo Cubano putting the Smackdown! Also, in this game, Jose Altuve (3-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 1st homer; Chas McCormick (1-for-3) hit his 3rd homer; Jeremy Pena (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 8th homer, and Jake Meyers (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 4th homer.

Jose Abreu – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. “If you prop his mouth open, we can use it to practice our putting–Hold on! Abreu moved! He’s alive!” Abreu’s homerless streak had spanned 283 plate appearances. That means Jose Abreu’s on pace for 30 homers, if he gets 8500 plate appearances.

Bailey Ober – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.68. Not saying his ERA will stay sub-3, but there is something about a guy having excellent command and excelling in today’s game with the shift no longer around. Putting guys on is a recipe for getting BABIP’d to death.

Chris Bassitt – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.80. *throws kindling on a dumpster fire* You want some smores? I’m cooking them over the dumpster fire that’s MLB pitching.

Jose Berrios – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, 5 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Now five straight solid starts, four of which were Quality, and yesterday’s started to get hairy. Jose Hairrios? Yeah, exactly. I’m not trying to be a hater; his command wasn’t good yesterday. I’d officially pick up Berrios, but it’s like that scenario where I want to pick him up but am relieved when he’s gone already in my leagues.

Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.93. Since their third starts of the season, Berrios has been better than Cole in every conceivable ratio way.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. “You be the Judge.” A Yankees fan who built a 8-foot statue of mashed potatoes to Judge.

Harrison Bader – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (5). Homering and stealing once a week and hitting 5th…Oh my God! Great impression, Bader! It’s Kyle Tucker!

Jake Cronenworth – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Three homers in May, and barely hitting .200, for what it’s Cronenworth.

Rougned Odor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and his 3rd homer in five games. Hot schmotato alert!

Yu Darvish – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.61. “Well, I got 8 Ks in 10 2/3 IP.” — Me rationalizing about the team where I started Gavin Stone, Josh Fleming and Darvish.

Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.45. He’s gone from “Meh, not interested” to “Hmm, maybe if the Streamonator likes it” to must-start every time out.

Garrett Whitlock – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.14, as he was activated from the IL. He was on the IL with “prolly needs surgery on his elbow but let’s see how rehab goes.”

Eury Perez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.84. My kingdom for a rookie pitcher who pitches as normally as Eury without insane blowups.

Patrick Sandoval – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.42. Not to jinx anything, but Sandoval has some of the worst peripherals I’ve seen.

Brandon Pfaadt – Optioned to Reno. Good place for people who need a quickie divorce from this pitching prospect.

Corbin Carroll – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. He’s got the feel of a top 5 overall draft pick for many, many years.

Geraldo Perdomo – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. With Thairo Estrada hitting the IL, went to pick up Perdomo in a few places. He’s got 40+ steal speed, and seems to be coming into his own on power. Not to mention, his 12.6% walk rate and barely 17% strikeout rate. Might be platooned (for no reason, since he’s a switch hitter), but I’m intrigued, y’all!

Merrill Kelly – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.83. He’s a career 7.9 K/9 guy. His K/9 right now is up to 9.8. Huzzah!

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.75. Draft plan: Get all Giants starters you can. Draft plan that was executed: Sean Manaea is drafted.

Alex Cobb – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.05. Regression Fairies had on their red, white and blue short shorts for Memorial Day and removed them to take a dump on your ratios.

Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .265. He’s been so quiet on my fantasy team I legit forgot I rostered him in some leagues. Much prefer Jake Burger to Carl’s Jr. Jr.

Willy Adames – Hit the 7-day IL with a concussion. He took a foul ball off his head. If he wanted a souvenir, he just had to ask. In all seriousness, the video of it makes me realize how insanely lucky we are that no one has been killed by a foul ball in the dugout. (I know there’s been other tragedies elsewhere in the park. Happy holidays!)

Vince Velasquez – Hit the IL with elbow discomfort, after being on and off the IL with elbow discomfort. Curious how teams think an elbow injury on a pitcher is just going to miraculously heal in a few weeks. (I know it worked for Whitlock, but it’s unlikely to continue.)

Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer, hitting near-.450 in the last week. Seems like no one wants to sell low JulRod anymore. Weird, wonder why.

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. He declared a fatwa on that ball. Fatwa being an acronym for FAT Wide-Ass.