Lucas Giolito was the first White Sox pitcher to get a no hitter and rack up ten-plus Ks, going 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 walk, 13 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.09. And you didn’t think he was an ace that you should draft as your 1st starter! *screams at the heavens* REDEMPTION! Crap, I think I just hurt my back. Okay, the Pirates’ lineup was hilariously bad. They didn’t have one hitter with an OBP over .300. No need to bring in a defensive replacement for the White Sox outfield. Go ahead and put your glove away, DeWayne Wise. “Aw shucks.” That’s DeWayne. I turned the game on for the 9th, and I more just wanted to see a social distancing no-hitter celebration. Something akin to Don Larsen jumping into Yogi’s arms, and Yogi sidestepping him to put on a mask and Don skidding on his butt. But that wasn’t the case. We had our first good thing of 2020. Dot dot dot. Until Eloy Jimenez looked like he got hurt in the celebration. “You thought you’d get something nice?” That’s the year 2020 as it evilly cackles. You suck, 2020! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Anderson – Will make his major league debut today. Lot of moving parts with this season, huh? Between teams missing games, rain, 7-inning doubleheaders, rookie call-ups and a pandemic. It’s a clusterfudge of activity. So, it might get lost on you how important some things are vs. others. In redraft leagues, go with good matchups vs. promising rookies. For keepers, I went over Ian Anderson in yesterday’s post.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – Will be activated today from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I didn’t know I was going to offend people by wearing my underwear on my face, I had forgotten my mask.”

Aaron Judge – Will be activated today from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Goes without saying, but the underwear are clean.”

Johnny Cueto – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.40. *googles Johnny Cueto address, jots it down, anonymously sends it to Jason LaRue* Didn’t I just say Giants starters in San Fran couldn’t be that bad? Man, now I know how LaRue feels, Cueto just kicked me in the head too.

Brandon Belt – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. If you leave ’em hanging, Bra-Belt will put ’em away. *picks up phone* Okay…I understand…Yes, a Bra-Belt was about boobs….There’s nothing you can do? Okay…*hangs up phone* Hearing that I just got cancelled. Welp, it was fun. I don’t regret anything, except for maybe the Bra-Belt crack. Doesn’t feel worth it in the end.

Julio Urias – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.67. Honestly, wasn’t much better than Cueto’s start. The NL-Only teams of mine where I started both of these guys? Well, let’s just say USPS better get their shizz together because my mom is sending me my woobie.

Max Muncy – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. He’s doing this with one fractured finger, but why stop at one? Send Muncy up to the plate in a body cast and watch him hit 60 HRs in 60 games.

Corey Seager – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 8th homer. As good as he’s been, his numbers say he should be better. He is breaking out.

Nate Pearson – Diagnosed with a flexor strain. Why do I feel like he’s going to miss this season, avoid surgery, start up next year, immediately go down and then have surgery? Maybe because that happens to almost all injured pitchers. Speaking of which, Ken Giles says his arm feels good. Riiiiiiiiiiight. Yes, eleven I’s.

Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .292. Teoscar or Trout? Let me think on it and get back to you.

Trea Turner – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .311. Now on a 36-homer pace in 162 games and a 5-steal pace. Treat Urner walks into an all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet and orders fish and chips. It’s steals, man! Steals! That’s why I drafted you!

Adam Eaton – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .250, and two homers in back-to-back games. Eaton up that hot schmotato, or picking up the Treat crumbs. Six of one, half-dozing through a cliche on the other.

J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .289. Jerry Tomato wants some clams this offseason!

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd steal, hitting .239. For one night, Anknee McClutchin looked transported back to a time–Wait, he was removed late. Did Anknee hurt his knee?

Roman Quinn – 2-for-4, 1 run, and stole two bags (4, 5). Get Roman for erectile dysfunction and steals.

Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.19 vs. Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Is it me or is this the first start all year where two solid pitchers faced each other and both pitched solidly? I sound like a beat dog. Call me Brandon Woofruff.

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.88. Damn, even his mediocre starts are not that bad. Whatever Wainwright’s smoking hotbox some of that shizz with Johnny Cueto.

Caleb Smith – Expected to return next week at home vs. the Buffalo Bleu Jays. Hard to say where Smith will be at with innings, but he’s been doing build-up starts, so he might not be far off a four-inning start. Maybe more. Am I excited? Not really, but more so for him than the new Batman. If the guy from Twilight pulls off a good Batman, then it will be as surprising as anything related to Randy Dobnak.

Miguel Rojas – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs, hitting .423. It does take some extreme brain worms to bat a guy with a .400+ average 9th in the 1st game, then not at all in the 2nd game. “Admit, you’re a spy from the Reds!” “I’m not.” “Oh, really…Rojas?!” That’s Mattingly interrogating Rojas.

Jon Berti – 0-for-1, 2 runs and stole 2nd, 3rd and home in the 9th, I mean, 7th inning of the 2nd game (his 6th, 7th, 8th steals), as he hit leadoff and didn’t play in the 1st game, and is Mattingly using split squad lineups?

Trevor Rogers – 4 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks in his 1st major league start. Went over my thoughts on him yesterday, too. I will say regarding this game, the command should be better. Might be nerves; I heard a cardboard cutout of his father was seated in the front row.

Andres Gimenez – Hit the IL for undisclosed reasons, and I really have no idea what it could be. Tomas Nido was also IL’d for undisclosed reasons, and I’d love to find out why, but who’s to say? Can’t figure that one out. Nope, no way to use deductive reasoning here.

Seth Lugo – 3 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.03. From a real baseball standpoint, Lugo becoming a starter should’ve happened roughly five years ago, but:  Mets. For fantasy? You can’t hold a guy getting stretched out, can you? I don’t know. Depends on the league, I guess.

Chris Paddack – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.15. This is one of the bigger bummers of 2020. And, in 2020, that’s saying a lot. Paddack’s had like one clean inning in the last four games, and nothing is jumping out why. He’s giving up more homers, but that shouldn’t be an issue with his stuff. Wonder if it’s mechanics. Honestly, not sure, but I’m ride or die with the Sheriff. Guess the good news is if it stays bad news, he’ll be a bargain next year.

Eric Hosmer – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. So Padres can now hit home runs that aren’t grand slams? Isn’t there any respect for unwritten rules?

Austin Nola – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .315. On our Player Rater, he’s been the 3rd best catcher in baseball. Yup, just totally normal stuff.

Marco Gonzales – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.63. Streamonator doesn’t love his next start, but it’s in Bobby Grich’s Big A and I could see it, if desperate.

Christian Walker – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Jon Jay – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. That’ll teach Lin-Manuel Miranda to not dedicate one song to The Federalist.

Garrett Hampson – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. A man running through my house, screaming, “Wait! Wait! Hampson’s received a stay!” Whew, that was close, I nearly executed a drop of him.

Daniel Bard – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.50, as he got his 2nd save in a row. If only this save were clean, so it was clearcut that he was the closer, but clearcut closer’ing isn’t 2020.

Tyler Glasnow – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 5.14. He looks like “the best pitcher in baseball” to “unable to locate within a foot of the plate” in the span of two pitches. Think this game vs. his season ERA attests to that. Yesterday, there was obviously a lot more ‘best pitcher’s than ‘unable to locate’s.

Jalen Beeks – Left in the middle of going for a 2-inning save with something similar to Kittredge’s UCL tear, according to Kevin Cash. Apparently, Cash is better at being a doctor than manager. Ya know, 19 1/3 IP in 12 games for Beeks, and 104 1/3 IP last year in 33 games maybe wasn’t ideal.

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .171. Renfroe! Or as Scooby-Doo would say, “Renfroe!”

Manuel Margot – 2-for-3 and a slam (1) and legs (3), hitting .304. Ma-Ma is a platoon player, who might get platooned more after a good game vs. a poor one, ironically due to having Cash.

Renato Nunez – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .291. Not much in the last week, but could be heating up, i.e., Re-nada to hot Rentato.

Tyler Chatwood – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.06, as he was activated. I’m going back to only enjoying Chatwood when it’s on OnlyFans.

Willson Contreras – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .216. Well, he’s no Austin Nola.

Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and a home run. He’s been one of the best middle infielders I own. Okay, before you have pity on me. He has seven homers and is hitting .286. Yeah, I know. Not bad. Francisco Lindor wishes he were doing that well.

Spencer Turnbull – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Welp, I need to check his player page and see if this is real. *goes to his player page, gets distracted and four hours later is watching a tutorial to make a smoker out of a shoebox* Acksually, Turnbull’s not bad. Was expecting to be underwhelmed, but way closer to overwhelmed then whelmed. His fastball velocity is up, he’s abandoned his curve, and upped his change, which is helped by the velocity. His command is hideous, and his Ks are down, but I’d own him now in the right matchups.

Matt Olson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Five of Olson‘s 10 homers have come in Manaea starts this season. Sounds like someone has a mancrush.

Marcus Semien – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .233. Fun fact! Marcus Semien is the answer song to WAP.

Kyle Gibson – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.73. Oh, there’s been worse starts, but pound-for-pound from pounding-to-pounding, Gibson is the worst pitcher that I’ve ever convinced myself to own.

Tommy La Stella – 2-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a home run (4) and steal (1) across two games for the Ernie Banks slam and legs! Flat-fastballploitation artist, Tommy Launch Angle Stella, starring in, “The Harder They Come With Weak Stuff, The Harder They Go.”

Brandon Bielak – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.40. Glad I got out on this schmohawk. Brandon Blech.

Cristian Javier – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.77. This isn’t a profound statement but the Angels are terrible. With their luck, they seem like they could have nine Trouts and lose. Any hoo! Javier is best left to Streamonator, and its whims.

Rich Hill – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.55. I just realized it was there in plain sight the entire time! Just right there! What, you ask with coy eyes? Ill! Rich H-ill. Ill! It’s in his name! And if he’s German then, Ich Ill! No wonder he can’t stay on the field.

Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.35. This guy is pretty good. Anyone talking about him? Everyone? Oh, okay, cool.

Mike Clevinger – Will return to the Indians today. Before each pitch, The Price is Right Showcase Showdown models will wave over him and a disembodied voice will say, “All this can be yours, Braves or Yankees.” Elsewhere, I’m sure Zach Plesac will take being passed over with graciousness and maturity not seen since he went out to Tequila Tom’s for $2 Shot Night.