Starts quietly at first then builds, “Javy….Nagilla….Javy…Nagilla…Javy…Nagilla!” Waving napkins above my head while I’m lifted in my chair above my fantasy team, “Javy….Nagilla….Javy…Nagilla…Javy…Nagilla!” Spots someone who looks like a Rabbi with a long beard, and screams down, “Thank you, Rabbi!” The bearded man replies, “I’m Lance Lynn.” So, Javier Baez went 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 3 RBIs with his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .219. Shoot, hold on, someone is ringing my doorbell. “Oh, hey, Instacart deliveryman, I ordered the smelling salts thinking I might need them for Javier Baez, what’s your return policy?” Hopefully, this is the start of Baez hitting like a top 25 hitter, and not like every rookie the Marlins call up. I could use it. Plus, I have this chair now propped on top of my desk for the Javy Nagilla dance. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Quintana – Will return from the IL and pitch out of the bullpen. Also, Tyler Chatwood will be activated and start. In other words, Chatwood will start, and Quintana will be on the bench to chat with wood.

Alec Mills – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.55. Not that it matters if you streamed him because the start was decent, but it was super touch-and-go like your uncle babysitting. Streamonator hates his next start, and I wouldn’t mess with him.

David Bote – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .222. Looked at his most recent games, hoping to report a hot Botato. More like a lukewarm Botato salad that is sitting in the sun, but maybe this is the start of something.

Casey Mize – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.04. Hey, cool discussion about interior decorating terror cells. I’m just going to use the bathroom in this Iraqi bistro, can you watch my Shasta? *four hours later* Whoa, did I fall asleep–Wait, is that man using my back skin for a lampshade? AHHH!!! Roofie!

Kenta Maeda – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.21. I hope a lot of you own Maeda. I couldn’t have been more vocal about how much I liked him during the 17-month preseason.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. With players being tested regularly for Covid, is anyone actually testing for PEDs? If I were going to do some shizz, this would be the season I would try it. Don’t act like I’m saying something awful, Cruz has already tested positive in his career.

Miguel Sano – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .241. On our Player Rater, he’s been about as valuable as Alonso. Just so ya Sano my pain.

Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Sure, hot schmotato, but Cesar is more of a tablesetter or a preparer of a salad with anchovies table-side.

Aaron Civale – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.15. 100% serious: I’d start every Indians starter, whoever they are.

Ian Anderson – Expected to be called up. I already own him in one NL-Only league. *drops ass, twerks nasty-like, someone enters to TikTok me and I let them not expecting that to ever come back to haunt me* Would I own Anderson in a mixed league? Well…His command looks a little suspect and that could lead to a huge blow up and I’m not really interested in that in mixed leagues yet. Long-term for keepers? I’d guess he’s owned, or your league is shallow. He was on Itch’s top 150 dynasty pitchers, right behind Kyle Wright, who just did bad stuff to one of my teams, and I could see the same from Anderson.

Ke’Bryan Hayes – Supposedly about to be called up. Pirates don’t want to play Jose Osuna (but have no problem playing JT Riddle), so they might call up Hayes because Moran was hit in the melon and thinks he loves Chachi. I was a fan of Hayes in the preseason (okay, relatively, I did rank him like 540th out of 540, so ya know). I just don’t see him as being anything outside of NL-Only unless he gets hot.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.59. For the first time all year, I watched the first two innings of Lynn’s start, where he gave up two runs, and I obviously was jinxing the Rabbi, shut it off, and you’re welcome.

Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Israeli Kiner-Eats-Falafel has been so wildly yawnstipating I can’t believe how much people were excited to own him the 1st week. Goes to show you that people should make decisions without looking at position eligibility, and not on an empty stomach.

Stephen Piscotty – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. First homer in a week, but maybe the start of something. I don’t know, and neither does Piscotty.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.74. Not saying he’s a bad pitcher, but Lynn gave up an extra run for no reason in the 1st, and Luzardo was lucky to get out after only three earned.

Curt Casali – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .179. Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far psycho killer, Curt Casali!

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .154. How miserable has Suarez been to own? He’s been about as valuable as the Psycho Killer, Curt Casali.

Omar Narvaez – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .175. No more nothing/nil/nada for Nervous Narvaez. Alliteration in lieu of wit!

Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. I was trying to see if I could get through the whole season without mentioning Smoak. Living in California has me shook! How’sever, Smoak has two homers in two games, and three homers in five games, so there’s Smoak coming from the hot schmotato.

Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.98. His entire season is going to need an asterisk for future generations to understand how good he could’ve been.

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .368. Au Shizz!

Brad Miller – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .367. 2012 called, it wants its sleeper back.

Danny Duffy – Out with forearm fatigue. Maybe he can try to put less stress on his forearm by going with a threearm.

Brad Keller – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.08. Apparently, he’s not breaking Orel Hershiser’s scoreless inning record.

Patrick Sandoval – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER ERA at 6.75. When was the last time someone came out of nowhere in the Angels’ organization and did better than expected vs. worse? Did the Angels sell their soul for Trout? Did Pablo Sandoval eat Patrick? I have questions, ya’ll!

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. It’s almost like Tucker knows how to hit without relying on cheating.

Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.35. This guy was my biggest bid in my RazzSlam FAAB bidding that goes off tonight at 6 PM. Make sure to get your bids in if you’re in the RazzSlam. It’s the last waiver wire period of the year.

Trevor Rogers – Being called up by the Marlins for today’s game. Okay, first of all, we need to start changing pitchers’ names. There’s way too many T. Rogerses (Rogerii? Roguys? Mo’gers?). Taylor, Tyler, Trevor? What is wrong with you people?! Prospect Itch said of (hopefully this) Rogers, “At 6’6”, he has a huge advantage when he finds consistent mechanics that maximize extension. Over his final eight starts in high A, Rogers struck out 66 hitters in 53.2 innings on his way to a 1.68 ERA, 0.75 WHIP and 29.1 K-BB percentage. Safe to say he earned that promotion to AA. Speaking of AA, Grey makes me want to drink.” Geez, what’s up, my dude? For what it’s Werth, I didn’t grab Rogers in any shallower mixed leagues, but did look at him in a 15-mixed, and would obviously in NL-Only.

Jon Berti – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Jon Berti has been attending the class Providing Fantasy Value In The Wrong Category taught by Trea Turner.

Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.98. He also gave up three unearned runs, which makes this even sweeter. Does that happen with you too? I love when my guys give up unearned runs. I feel like (incorrectly) they’re less likely to give earned runs in another game, because they mentally gave them up in this one.

Austin Voth – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.65. Having my wife look at what Austin Voth did to my fantasy teams because that’s my kink.

Juan Soto – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .400. Chazz Noir over there trying to hit .400 with BABIP-central in Coors, mean’s while, Sexy Dr. Pepper is the best to ever do this. We’re barely halfway through this season (hehe), but I’m seriously thinking Soto needs to be in the top three overall next year.

Adam Eaton – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Check out Eaton getting a home run and 4 RBIs perpetuating like he hit a grand slam and is on the Slam Diego Padres. No, you did not, and you’re not.

Ryan Castellani – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.54. Damn, I almost bought him off waivers on Sunday. Oh, not because he’s good. It’s a 12-team NL-Only league. Don’t get it twistellani’d.

Daniel Bard – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save, ERA at 4.15. You heard of Shakespeare in the round? Well, this is the Bard with a round ball. He might be the closer or not be: that is the question.

Merrill Kelly – Hit the IL with a shoulder impingement. That is the worst before-game mint!

Kole Calhoun – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Whoa, I thought his hot streak was over. Might have to pick up Kole and Smoak and pretend I’m on Naked and Afraid. Yeah…pretend. That’s the ticket.

Christian Walker – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. This guy didn’t retire? That’s good to know.

Taylor Clarke – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.33, as he filled in for Kelly. That was the best fill-in for Kelly since Shannon Doherty. (Lamest reference ever? P to the erhaps.)

Matt Shoemaker – Was diagnosed with a lat strain and is week to week. Week-to-week is worse than day-to-day, but better than minute-to-minute.

Randal Grichuk – Hit his 7th homer, and was removed from today’s game with lower back tightness. Meh, you guys had a good run. He’ll have another hot streak the week of May 12th, 2021, I’ll ping you.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. And they’re not even in The House that Wild Wings Built in Buffalo. Wait until they get there, by which I mean, don’t wait, grab Lou-Gu now.

Jordan Romano – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save, ERA at 0.64. Romano throwing cheese! Should also be getting saves going forward, but not clearly the closer.

Blake Snell – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Wonder if he could throw to a little more contact and go 7+ IP. Have they tried that? Maybe they don’t want to mess with a good thing, but, as a man with a turtleneck who examines everything might say, “Is this…a good thing?”

Yoshitomo Tsutsugo – 1-for-1, 2 runs, and his 4th homer. “There’s this guy that’s been on my mind…All the time, Tsutsugo!” That’s Phil Collins checking his fantasy team.