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Takes off Hello Kitty headphones, places head on the train tracks. Faintly off in the distance, I can hear the very subtle call of exuberance. A very, small yay. That’s the sound of the one fantasy baseball owner who has Isaac Paredes in their lineup for his three-homer night (3-for-3, 4 RBIs, 6th, 7th, and 8th homer). I’ll be real with you, I was sweating this one for Mark Whiten. Back in 1993, Whiten glued four baseballs to his hand back, and he ain’t trying to get a new member of the club. For those of you singing, “I love a Paredes,” I know. This would’ve been Ethel Merman’s best day in fantasy baseball. RIP, you bussin’ Queen. Any hoo! Hard to hit three homers and not be a schmotato, so I could see grabbing Paredes, but Cash is there. Cash’s favorite movie? Platoon. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Manuel Margot – Hit the IL with a knee sprain. Once there was this kid who got his knee banged up and couldn’t come to the game…Mmm mm mmm mmm.

Kevin Kiermaier – Hit the IL with “I can’t believe he wasn’t on the IL already; he is after all Kevin Kiermaier.” Josh Lowe (0-for-4) getting some run to do nothing, daddy. I say to my father, hoping for his approval.

Jonathan Aranda – Was called up. Rays have so many guys who are interesting if they were to actually play. Wander’s back soon, and Cash plays Walls, Phillips, and some singular guys too. Whether he should or not. Any hoo! Aranda has great contact (.310 in AAA), and some power (11 HRs), and, outside of AL-Only leagues, I can’t see moving on him. Maybe if it’s a deep mixed league and you need a spark.

Harold Ramirez – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, the lowest exit velocity for a home run in the Statcast era at 85.4 MPH. This was way more Nestor missing his spots than the Rays’ lineup being actually good. That lineup looks like the dog’s breakfast.

Colin Poche – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.01. Welp, as predicted here after reading tea leaves and other sites, Poche did get the save, but didn’t look great, and I wouldn’t be shocked if it’s any one of five Rays’ relievers next time in the 9th.

Nestor Cortes – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.31. Has he had better starts? Certainly. Or soinently, if Curly is reading. He didn’t have anywhere close to his best stuff, and he still managed to keep the game relatively close. Honestly, was pretty impressive.

Jonathan India – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. “If we open the back door while the plane is at 30,000 feet, can’t we just push the body out the back–Whoa! Hold on! India moved! He’s alive!”

Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.57. If you started Mahle in this horrendously awful matchup like I did, then you gotta be happy with only getting tied to the WHIPping post, and not flogged worse on ERA.

Will Smith – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. This came with a ton of friends and family in attendance since he’s from the area. I thought he was a Philly kid.

Tony Gonsolin – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.58. Dude built a moat around himself, filled it with Drakkar Noir, to keep the Regression Fairies away.

Lane Thomas – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, as he hits 9th again. What is Davey Martinez doing? The Nats are playing for nothing. Cesar Hernandez doesn’t need to play, let alone hit leadoff. I’d accept Luis Garcia hitting leadoff over Cesar. Shoot, I’d take Robles! Mostly so I can say Cesar to Robles for the toga as the takeaway.

Jesus Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, as he returned from the IL. I thought Jesus returned on Sunday. I was told a lie!

Avisail Garcia – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Avisail with Ian Happ Disease. That’s when you seemingly hit homers, but never have a high total. Mean’s while, Jordan Luplow hit his 10th homer last night. Oh…*walks around the globe*…kay.

Ryan McMahon – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. My pals from the WWE subreddit said this was a bad week for McMahon. What gives?

Elehuris Montero – Was recalled from the minors. Too bad Bud Black can’t even recall to play him. Ya know what’s incredibly hilarious? Montero has 13 HRs and .327/.395/.563 in Triple-A. Now you might be thinking, gotta be an old prospect, right? Not only is he not old, but the Rockies acquired him for Arenado, so they have motivation to see him work in the majors. But nah, they acquired Kris Bryant for the next 15 years for $400 million.

Pete Alonso – 3-for-3 and his 20th homer. Albombso!

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .312. Between Alonso and Yordan, it was hard for me to watch this game sitting down.

Jose Altuve – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .273. Everything Everywhere All At Once taught me to be kind (I think), so I won’t make fun of Altuve today. I’d say there will be plenty to make fun of next time, but that would be a lie.

Jose Siri – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Siri is so beautiful when it connects. Sorry, I’m talking about my personal assistant.

Jose Urquidy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.68. Streamonator thinks his next start is an easy bench, and I agree.

Jack Flaherty – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.00. He’s gonna be stretched out just in time for the playoffs.

Nolan Gorman – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. *picking out lipstick for my Joker makeup as I see C.J. Abrams on my team, after I dropped Gorman*

Willy Adames – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. He’s hitting .211 and, in the Brewers’ lineup, that deserves to hit 2nd. He’s their best on-base threat!

Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.92. Had to check to see if this was real, and it’s not really real, but it’s not completely unreal either. Gallen looks like a two to three, and much better than I was expecting.

Marco Gonzales – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.33. This start was against the A’s, a team that collectively has a .210 batting average. Yes, Khris Davis’s .247 would’ve led this team in batting average.

Julio Rodriguez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .272. He’s around a top 25 player right now, and Julio isn’t even in July yet.

Jesse Winker – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .214. Winker went from a .300 hitter in Cincy to unable to hit .215 in Seattle. Kelenic has no chance.

Dany Jimenez – Hit the IL with right shoulder strain from flying too close to the sun. The A’s will likely turn to A.J. Puk, whose name sounds like vomit, but he has a 1.93 ERA, and a 97 MPH fastball, so that’ll play.

Franmil Reyes – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, as he was activated from the IL. Hmm, now I kinda want the $54 Vending Machine Steak to have a terrible season so I can draft him super cheap next year, but there’s still plenty of time for him to hit 30 homers, which would put him in the top three for homers the rest of the way.

Josh Naylor – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Naylor, but I hardly know her?!

Aaron Civale – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 7.25, as he was activated from the IL. He had his glute drained of blood, which makes sense, because he was total ass previously. Could absolutely fix his ERA in a big way, and be a usable number four to five starter the rest of the way. Could see adding him in 12-team mixed leagues, and deeper.

Emilio Pagan – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.13, and the blown save. Still think Pagan is the closer, as much as the Twins have a closer. Baldelli prefers the devil he knows.

Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.68. I’d like to seize that Cease.

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.19. Good to see him bounce back from his last three of four starts that made it seem like he was gassed, man.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 3-for-5 and his 9th and 10th homer. Aw, cute. Bobby Witt Jr. is acting like Santa’s Little Helper dancing on its hind legs, making sure we don’t forget about him with all these new rookies called up.

Carlos Santana – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .210. Oye como yay!

Jared Walsh – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in four games, and a single away from the cycle, and he just hit for the cycle about ten days ago. Good to see Walsh is no longer missing, and we can remove him from milk cartons.

Shohei Ohtani – 3-for-4, 8 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer. He’s the first Angel since Mike Trout to hit two 110+ MPH homers in the same game. Not a bad game, but he didn’t also throw a shutout, so as a pimp would say, ho-hum.

Martin Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.96. Why couldn’t Perez have been my favorite Martin in March? Bill Bixby, you steered me wrong!

Jonah Heim – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer. On the Player Rater, Heim is above Sal Perez. Cust kayin’.

Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. Ya know who Lowe is? Guy who you see performing well, so you pick him up, then immediately you’re yawnstipated and want someone else.

Marcus Semien – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. What a Semien blast! *cringe*

Kole Calhoun – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. He usually hits them in clusters like pecans, so he might be a risin’ schmotato.

Kyle Gibson – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Saw someone mention that there was some good defense behind Gibson yesterday, and all I could think is why did they build another field behind Arlington and what team was it playing defense?

Bligh Madris – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, two days after being called up. Okay, Captain Bligh isn’t very good, but he could be a schmotato.

Roansy Contreras – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.89. Watching this game (because of Oneil Cruz), and I found myself sounding like Ray Searage. If only Roansy threw more to contact, he could’ve went the distance yesterday. FWICronenworth, Streamonator loved this start, and hates his next.

Patrick Wisdom – 2-for-3 and his 13th homer, Patrick Wisdom .222. Wisdom feels like a barely younger Christian Walker. Call him Christian Can-Still-Kinda-Jog.

Trevor Story – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Story’s hilarious this year. He’s Steve Sax for two weeks, then Steve Sux for three weeks.

Christian Vazquez – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. He goes on these crazy hot streaks for five days once a year; this might be it.

Javier Baez – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Just that he got two whole hits in two games in a row counts as Baez winning the Silver Slugger. Come collect your award so we can hit you over the head with it.

Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. You get your hopes up about Baez, then you see some garbage man like Schoop have more homers than Baez, and the cackles get deliriously nihilistic.

Matt Olson – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer. Falling to my knees, raising my hands, “PLEASE ALLAHSON!” I am facing Mecca!

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Tildaddy hits three more homers in the next week so I feel like he’s back!

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer. Ozuna having more homers than Olson is so depressing, bro. Give me an ice pop and let me suck away my pain.

Spencer Strider – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.40. The Regression Fairies went to see Top Gun: Maverick for the beach football slo-mo, and they will destroy your ratios!

Anthony DeSclafani – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.71, as he was activated from the IL. Feels like 1979 with Disco.

Joc Pederson – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .271. That homer is for everyone who ever emailed their entire fantasy league five minutes before the draft to say they’re gonna be 30 minutes late.

Austin Wynns – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Geez, gambling has infected all sports. Now casinos are sponsoring a guy’s last name? Disgusting!