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Five ladies and gentlemen, it’s…HELIO STUDWAGON!

And I can’t fight this rookie nookie anymore,
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for (which stinks because we’re roughly 72 hours into the season),
It’s time to bring this shizz into the shore and onto my team,
And throw away the either/or’s forever.

Baby, I can’t hold Steven Matz anymore, but how about this Heliot Ramos fella!
He looks great, or as they say in San Fran “hella,”
I need him on my team, er,
His projections are insane from Steamer!

So, Heliot Ramos (2-for-3, 1 RBI) was called up. Prospect Itch said, “Ramos didn’t graduate AA so much as he aged into AAA, where he was still 5.7 years younger than the average player. Across the full season (116 games), he slashed .254/.323/.416 with 14 HR and 15 SB. Not bad. Not ideal. The hope is that he settles in at AAA and soaks up some coaching, applies that across his opportunities and takes the slow road to becoming a fantasy factor. I doubt the club will rush him to the majors in any needs-based scenario. This is good news for Ramos and us, as it gives the 6’1” 188 lb, 2017 first-rounder time to grow into his skillset, and I’d like to hit Grey with a skillet.” Not cool. So, the Giants seemed to disagree with how much time Ramos needed in the minors. His projections at the Prospectonator are fire under a helium balloon. Some of the best projections I’ve seen for a rookie. Oh, just your mundane, ho-hum 20+ HRs and 10 steals. Will the Giants still start guys like Steven Duggar over him? Oh, absolutely. Have you not been paying attention to the Giants for the last year-plus? Still, I’d grab Heliot Ramos in all leagues where I need an injection of sexy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Daniel Ponce de Leon – Signed with the Mariners. Smart way to replenish the farm system is keeping guys young forever.

Diego Castillo – 1 IP, 0 ER, and the save on Saturday, after Drew Steckenrider closed on Friday. My guess for now on closer is Steckenrider, then Castillo, and I’m at about 8% positive.

Logan Gilbert – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. I know he’s good, but I watched him on Saturday, and I was spelling out “drool” on my table with my drool.

Marco Gonzales – 2 IP, 2 ER, but 4 unearned runs. Ticker Shock!

Tyler Duffey – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save on Saturday. Twins’ pen been a bit of a mess, aside from Jhoan Duran, who I’ve seen twice and he doesn’t come from some Ordinary World. Baldelli has said he doesn’t believe in a set closer, so I still don’t think it’s clear which way this is going, but “Oh no!” The Duff Man is definitely not going to win fans with Saturday’s performance.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-5, and his 2nd and 3rd homer. He reminds me of Jonathan from tick, tick…BOOM! Buxton needs to get all his stats out of him fast, because he only has two months to do it in.

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Twins (and M’s) hit seven homers yesterday in Hubert H. Homerfree Dome with Carlos Correa (1-for-5), Gary Sanchez (2-for-5, 5 RBIs), and Max Kepler (1-for-4) hitting their first, and Mitch Haniger (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hitting his 2nd. Know what this has me thinking:  What are the humidors doing in Minnesota?

Luis Severino – 3 IP, 2 ER. For some guys, how many more weeks will it be Spring Training? Three? Four? Until June?

Jordan Montgomery – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER vs. Tanner Houck – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Identical lines from two guys I like a lot. Two guys I still like even though they’re causing me agita.

Jake Diekman – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks and his 1st save. What stops everything? A Diekman. Dur. Also, Barnes is dealing with a sore back. He might sore back is way right out of a job.

Bobby Dalbec – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer, and up to the 5th spot in the order. Will he face all righties and lefties? Not sure if we can put that to Dalbed, but he has sofa. This blurb was brought to you by Jordan’s Furniture.

Oscar Mercado – 2-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer. Who’s got Acuña on their bench and starting Mercado? This guy with two thumbs pointing at himself while he types with his nose!

Steven Kwan – 5-for-5, 4 runs, and now hitting 2nd, and 8 for his first 10. Steven Kwan is the first player in American League history to reach base safely more than 10 times in his first three career games. Happy Kwan-zaa to all those that celebrate! And, if you’re reading this, but don’t have Kwan on your fantasy teams, after I ranked him about 250 spots ahead of everyone, well, you’re standing in your own way of success.

Amed Rosario – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .462. Guardians of the Galaxy brained who thought their lineup yesterday would’ve put up 17 runs.

Cal Quantrill – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. Guardians jumped out to a huge early lead, and Quantrill sailed out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.

A.J. Pollock – Out with hamstring tightness. He thinks it’s a short-term issue, but he’s clearly never paid attention to his own IL track record.

Lucas Giolito – Hit the IL and will miss at least two starts with a left abdominal muscle issue. “I just have a middle abdomen.” That’s Miguel Sano.

Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. But don’t forget, you have to draft a starter in the top 15 overall.

Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Everyone is reaping up their Vaughn shares because I wrote a sleeper post for him, right? Right?

Kyle Gibson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks. Streamonator loved this start, and I love every start vs. the DisgrA’s.

Brandon Woodruff – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Listen, you have to draft top starters. I’m sorry. I don’t make the rules.

Willy Adames – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Yes, I wrote a sleeper post for him, why do you ask?

Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Yes, I wrote a sleeper post for him (last year), why do you ask?

Justin Steele – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. 15-teamers and deeper, gather around, I have a story to tell you about a “man” of “Steele.” Was he able to jump tall buildings? No. Faster than a what? Are you dumb? No. He can’t even throw faster than 92 MPH. He sits heavy slider and it works for him. Command has been an issue, but that comes to guys at weird times. His next start is in Colorado, so clearly that’s a pass, but I’m a cyclops with a monocle.

Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs, and his 1st homer, hitting .375. If only someone told you to draft him on every team…Hmm…Wait, we did. Oh yeah!

Jon Gray – Hit the IL with a middle finger blister. Common injury that sidelines truck drivers.

Brad Miller – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Hot schmotato alert!

Nick Solak – 2-for-3, 4 runs and his 1st homer. It was only one year ago that we (mostly me) thought Solak could be a breakout. Monocle or grab, your league depends on your action.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER. *a dirge plays* I call this, “Ryu No Longer The Ryu We Knew.” *sobs loudly*

George Springer – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. He’s so good. Dot dot dot. If he were going to play more than 100 games.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Ooh, baby, I like it raw (Cake Batter).

Danny Jansen – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. But I was told Alejandro Kirk would be the Jays’ catcher to break out. Hunh, weird.

Jeremy Pena – 3-for-5, 1 run as he bats 2nd, hitting .375. And his glove is even better. He will be a long-time fixture of that lineup. For more, see Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Carlos Carrasco – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Mets are like this: Five guys could be the ace. Only one of them will stay healthy. Which one? *shrug*

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-3 and a slam (1) and legs (1). The first Slam & Eggs of the year! What does he get? A piece of “I thought you were toast.” Enjoy!

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Elias Sports Bureau said Nelson Cruz’s homer was the first by a guy who personally knew Thomas Edison.

Tanner Rainey – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. Ooh, daddy would very much like to see Rainey get all the saves. Bullpen Chart has been updated.

Daniel Bard – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks and his 1st save, as Alex Colome entered, and couldn’t finish the 8th inning. Reluctantly going back to The Bard of Get-Your-Save-on, even though I know I’m going to get Shrew’d.

Randal Grichuk – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal, as he bats sixth, after batting 7th the other day. Maybe he moves up in the order, but you have to admit Bud Black suckered you in again, when Grichuk was traded there and you were like, “Oh, boy, he has to hit in the top five of the order!”

Noah Syndergaard – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K. Like he was trying to take out Ben Franklin in a storm, Thor was throwing lighting to contact.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-3, 1 RBI as he bats 8th. After being benched on Saturday, he took to social media to air his grievances, and it’s not even Festivus season. I agree with Jazz, he should play over Jon Berti, and not hit 8th or 9th in the order. Going on social media to complain won’t help him or get his wife, Kim Kardashian, back.

Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks. Feel like I’m going to regret being out on Rodon.

Brad Keller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. Hopefully you confused which Keller to draft this year. Streamonator doesn’t love his next start, and, pardon the phrase with Keller, but I can’t see it either.

Joan Adon – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Joan Adon…Don a Joan…Finkel…Einhorn!

Mitch Keller – 4 IP, 4 ER. But didn’t the Cards hear? Keller has more velocity now!

Michael Chavis – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hits third. Any guy who hits third, even if it’s for the Pirates, I’m monocle’ing.

Steven Matz – 3 IP, 7 ER. Honestly, I didn’t think it was possible for a pitcher to give up seven runs vs. the Pirates. So, thanks, Steven Matz, for opening my eyes to what is possible! So, I don’t think you can start Matz against anyone until we see something better. If that means dropping him in your league, then do what you must.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Just got tickets to see Billy Joel’s final sober concert. He said all future concerts will be done drunk. Here’s my tickets, over by that open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Wander Franco – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, and his 1st steal. Wander Franco is 6-for-11 to start the year, but there’s no difference between him and so many middle infielders going after 200 overall, right? No? We’re not still saying that? Oh, I see. When he’s a top five guy next year, all the sheep will forget I was already there. Weird stuff when one of the best prospects ever is good. He was developed by one of the best teams to develop prospects that is notoriously cheap and they gave him a huge deal. Crazy, hard to predict Wander being good. Not sure how I figured it out.

Lucas Sims – Dumb Bell said Sims is doing well and could return soon, adding, “Dur, I’m so dumb.”

Tyler Stephenson – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Not-so-secretly, he’s my favorite catcher this year.

Hunter Greene – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Me enjoy’ey.

Art Warren – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. Tony Santillan came into the game in the 7th inning and predicting Dumb Bell makes the predictor dumb.

Kyle Wright – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. When will guys click, it’s never clear. Sometimes guys take one start, sometimes four years. Wright’s struggled with command in years past, but if that’s fixed, then suddenly his 94 MPH fastball (up from last year) and lights-out curve look a lot better. Already grabbing him in some leagues.

Ian Anderson – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Was avoiding him in all leagues, but got him in one of the last leagues I drafted and, boy, am I wearing that scarlet L.

Matt Olson – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Atlanta is home of the Braves, and Allahson.

Delino DeShields – Signed by the Braves. A Braves’ spokesman said, “We found a 2015 fantasy sleeper on Delino DeShields that was so well-written and researched, we just had to give him a shot. The author’s name was…Gay Allbite, I think.”

Christian Walker – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer. His home run was such a bomb that it’s hard to imagine him not having 30-homer power, but you look at his career stats and you remember he only shares his Do-si-dos with Dozier.

Cooper Hummel – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his homer, as he hit leadoff. So, I added him in a few places, that’s first off. Let’s backtrack now to secondly, he can catch and he looks a lot better than Varsho early on. Most of you know I felt like Varsho was overrated in drafts, so I’m predisposed for Hummel to be better, and trying to weigh that confirmation bias, but I saw Hummel’s homer yesterday and he cleared center easily.

Jurickson Profar – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He wasn’t in last Friday’s Buy/Sell, but he might be innext Friday’s if that schmotato stays hot.

Blake Snell – Scratched due to his adductor. More like Blake Snail.