Giant Swingers Get Pfaadt Shamed But Get Some Late Curtissy Action

“I told you Brandon Pfaadt was a sleeper!” That was when the mob formed outside Grey’s house. Many stamped pitchforks into the ground, a few carried crates of overly ripe tomatoes. The mob’s leader, Razzball Commenter #1, addressed the crowd, “We shouldn’t bother with the tomatoes or pitchforks. It’s too much work. Instead, I’ve printed out his preseason sleepers to use as kindling as we burn the house down.” The mob cheered, bloodthirsty. Okay, okay! I’m sorry! Brandon Pfaadt had issues for five of six months this year. My bad! The mob leader, “Issues is what I have of Sports Illustrated on my end table. He sucked!” Fair, fair! But yesterday showed what he’s capable of — 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at–well, do you really want to know his season-long ERA? Fine! It’s 5.02! He was miserable! But aren’t sleepers about what a guy could do? That was when arrows began to pierce the house, and, at the end of each, was a printed-out sleeper, ablaze like Alexander. “Damn it! Don’t put that lit Masyn Winn sleeper post into my tailpipe!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Last five starts: 31 IP, 28 Ks, 0.87 ERA, 1.03 WHIP. I can tell from your heavy sigh that you gave up on him six starts ago. I don’t blame you.

Spencer Steer – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .242. Teammate Elly De La Cruz asked of Steer’s homer, “What do you call that thing he did where he hit the ball out of the park, and is it legal?”

Brady Singer – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86. The Reds’ win was almost entirely thanks to Singer/Steer aka the time someone took Ferdinand the Bull to karaoke.

Alec Burleson – 2-for-3 and his 18th homer, and a caught stealing, for the rarely talked about, “Slam, I got no legs,” from the movie, Kids.

Dylan Beavers – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (2), 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Gunnar Henderson – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 24th, 25th and 26th steal, hitting .274. What is this I’m feeling directly related to Grounder Henderson…Is it…Happiness?

Tyler Wells – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.04. Picked him up in every league where I could this past Sunday, and that was usually with a $1 bid, which is to say, I’m kinda surprised I was able to get him. I know, many people check out and I’m over here risking the biscuit for a fifth place finish in some cases, but, “Do or do not, there is no try, but I am trying my best,” said Yoda about his fantasy leagues.

Jose Quintana – Hit the IL with a calf strain. Don’t have a cow, man! Sorry.

Sal Frelick – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and 11th homer, hitting near .300 in September with just this one homer, and one steal and I was trying to come away optimistic. He’s the epitome of a 4020. But he does get runs, so maybe a 4220.

Brandon Woodruff – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Gonna be hard to not be totally invested in him next year. He’s proven health; now I’m ready to get hurt.

Taylor Ward – 3-for-4 and his 32nd and 33rd homer, as he reached 100 RBIs. Someone in a Roy Hobbs jersey caught one of his homers. Someone dressed as Bob Woodward caught Ward’s 2nd homer.

Trent Grisham – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 32nd and 33rd homer, 2nd and 3rd homer in two games. That’s now 252 homers from the Yanks’ leadoff slot.

Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer. Saw someone say Cody was more important for the Yanks to re-sign this offseason than Soto was last, and I think the algorithm’s got some people saying so much dumb stuff to get it pushed into people’s feeds, they no longer know what’s dumb or not.

Taj Bradley – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.20. Aw sucks, no scouting reports for him to read about the [checks notes] New York Yankees.

Eugenio Suarez – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 46th homer, and first hit and homer since God knows when. One of youse dropped him to get him going, and the rest of us would like to thank you.

J.P. Crawford – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Hot schmotato alert!

Bryce Miller – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.58. Told someone in the comments yesterday I don’t trust Miller. I could expand that to, how can you trust a guy with a 5+ ERA?

Salvador Perez – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer, 4th homer in four games. Sal P. doing the right thing!

Adam Frazier – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Has he passed Gunnar Henderson yet in homers? Only half joking.

Cole Ragans – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.16, as he was activated from the IL. Countdown to “They wasted the last three months where Ragans could’ve been rehabbing and now he will need surgery.”

Gavin Williams – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Ya know what’s kinda wild? Your moms! Bam! Gotcha! No, what’s kinda wild is Gavin Williams has a barely 3 ERA (and there’s only 10 days left in the season) and I don’t trust him in literally any matchup.

Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.60. On the few occasions, where I’ve watched him, he looked better than the results. Think he’s one tweak away from being an ace.

Lucas Giolito – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.46. He just didn’t have it yesterday. “It” being the ability to pitch.

Rob Refsnyder – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer. Stop. Drop. Shut ’em down. Open up shop. Oh. No. That’s how Refsnyder rolls.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-4 and his 36th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Albombso!

David Peterson – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.98. This was very bad, and this could’ve been much worse. He looks like he’s completely lost the je sais quoi that made him successful in the 1st half. “Je sais quoi” is a pitching term; often heard at Driveline. It means “belly fire.” Should’ve likely been dropped in August to never return to. Alas.

Francisco Alvarez – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. This comes mere hours after leaving a game with yet another injury. Call him the Six-Hundred Thousand Dollar Man. (I don’t know his contract.)

Juan Soto – 1-for-5 and his 41st homer. Kinda surprised he didn’t stop at 1st and insist his homer was a single, so he could steal 2nd and 3rd.

Nick Pivetta – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2/81. Only burned by three long balls and not being able to pitch more than 84 pitches and, okay, not really a situation where it’s justified to use the phrase “only burned by.”

Manny Machado – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and a slam (26) and legs (14). Macho, macho Manny!

Ramon Laureano – 2-for-4 and a homer. Machado’s got 26 homers; how many does Laureano have? Did you say ’60?’ No, c’mon, he has 24. Still good! By saying 60 though, you took the wind out of his sails.

Ian Seymour – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.54. And the Rays will be back in a major league park next year? A good one for pitching? Shh, don’t say nothing else about Seymour. He’s our secret.

Blake Snell – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.44. What an awesome season he had, if he didn’t miss four-fifths of it.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4 and his 51st homer. But didn’t pitch to even one single batter. What a scrub.

Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.01 vs. Cristian Javier – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.45. Exhibit #34,917,271 why baseball is a cruel game to bet on. If you would’ve said Javier would out-pitch deGrom before the game, you would’ve been burned at the stake after for being a witch. You lose if you win!

Jose Altuve – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Shame the Astros had that cheating scandal because we should be talking about Altuve with guys like Joe Morgan, Wee Willie Keeler and other people known for being tiny.

Jeremy Pena – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. Was about to say how he’s been sneaky good, so I went to the Player Rater to prove my point, and he’s been bad. Sneaky still, though!

Ryan Weathers – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.21. Couldn’t Weathers Coors, apparently.

Mickey Moniak – 1-for-2 and his 23rd homer, 4th homer in three games, and this home run was a pinch-hit homer because the Rockies are the most cursed franchise in history for idiot managers. Why wouldn’t the hottest guy in the league be starting? You really need to get someone else at-bats besides Moniak? For what reason? Oh, and the guy he hit for? Orlando Arcia! Yeah, he definitely needs to be in the lineup!

Hurston Waldrep – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.04. It shouldn’t matter, but it’s very hard to look past a guy having better stats in the majors than the minors. Not trying to be a hater, but shizz just does not compute.

Matt Olson – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 28th homer, 5th homer in six games. “Too bad it’s not six homers in six games, you schmohawk!” That’s the Ghost of Dale Long.

Brad Lord – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.18. “It B. Lord,” is what Charli xcx says when she gets an incoming call.

Johan Oviedo – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Streamonator has him down for his next start in Cincy and [holds nose] Pee-ewe.

Joey Bart – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Member when people thought he was a respectable idea to draft for a catcher in fantasy? You can’t remember further back than August? That’s for the best.

Ian Happ – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. I’m Happ-y for him! Hashtag nailed it! High five me! Right now! Give it to me up top! No? Okay, you’re right.

Matthew Boyd – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.20. Classic that the Cubs clinched on the day that one of their pitchers shows he should likely be shut down. MLB should run the playoffs in July. Okay, slight joke, but the season is too long for how much pitchers can now throw. Teams either have to shut down their starters at some point in the middle of the season or expect to get 3-5 IP out of their starters in the playoffs.

Moises Ballesteros – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. This home run was almost caught by Steve Bartman dressed as Ratso Rizzo.