*zooms microscope in on Gerrit Cole‘s spin rates on Statcast, accidentally zooms too close and cracks computer screen* Oopsie. Yesterday, Gerrit Cole (5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.66) had his ass handed to him, and not in a good way, like, “Hey, he’s got extra ass now like Vladimir Guerrero Jr.” The funniest or saddest, depending on whether you’re Gerrit Cole, is him giving up all kind of homers, then having his hat and glove checked by the umps. Wish someone would’ve warned me about Gerrit Cole and spin rates being checked in, say, March. WAIT A MINUTE! Someone did! It was March Grey. Damn, March Grey, you smart son of a bee! My Gerrit Cole schmohawk post from March is basically all about the spin rates, and how they’re in danger of coming back to earth. Dot dot dot. Coming back to earth unlike all the home runs the Red Sox hit off Cole yesterday. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Corey Kluber – Out until at least September. He has been able to play catch, but it’s with a dog, who isn’t well-trained. We will continue to monitor this.

Zack Britton – Hit the IL with a hamstring injury. Zack injured it walking up to the hostess stand to correct her, “It’s Zack with a K.”

Aaron Judge – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .285. Just realized the Yanks’ lineup has Odor and a guy who is the size of Hodor. They just need a Jesus, so they can have a Jesus H. Odor.

J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, hitting .300. Just Dong because the alternative makes me shudder.

Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, as he returns to the leadoff slot, because…Alex Cora lost a bet? Alex Cora spun a bottle and that’s who it landed on? Your guess = my guess.

Christian Vazquez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, as it apparently worked to hypnotize Vazquez into thinking it was the 1st week of the season.

Mike Soroka – Out for the year as he re-tore his Achilles. Achilles returned from the original Achilles’ injury quicker than Soroka. Call med schools, we’re renaming the Achilles the Soroka.

Kyle Muller – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.70. I already gave you my Muller report. It was a perfect phone call! Muller’s command worries me for mixed leagues, but he could be the type to surprise people. By the way, I love how there’s scouting reports for everyone, but you get the sense that no one reads them. So, people saying Muller won’t throw strikes goes in one ear out the other, until hitters have actually faced him.

Ronald Acuna Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Tildaddy says you can help him wash his Pontiac!

Austin Riley – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer. For Riley, May was great, June was terrible. We’ll see what July and beyond has in store, and if July & Beyond takes any of these stupid coupons in my glove compartment.

Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.11. Didn’t have his best stuff, but powered through for a 86-pitch complete game.

Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.08, but he hasn’t allowed a run across his last 14 IP. Bunch of hard contact yesterday, so wasn’t as pretty as his last few, but I would continue to add him.

Michael Fulmer – Hit the IL with a cervical spine strain. That sounds painful, but is really just neck pain, said a guy who just spent three minutes on WebMD. Jose Cisnero is the likely Tigers’ closer, or until he’s used in a weird way, and Gregory Soto starts getting saves.

Tarik Skubal – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 BBs, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.06. I’ve been hard on Skubal, in the non-sexual way, but he looked great yesterday, arguably his best career start. Just untouchable slider stuff to lefties and a 11 to 5 curve to righties. Streamonator doesn’t love his next one, and his command can go sideways (literally), but was pretty impressed yesterday.

Keston Hiura – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .149. 2nd homer since he returned, and I could see grabbing him, but the strikeouts are one million percent still there.

Eric Lauer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.50.  Streamonator loved this start, and if you started Lauer, then bless the tiny melons in your pants, they are truly engorged.

Kyle Gibson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.00. Incredibly, Gibson pitched this entire game with his agent, and his agent’s assistant sitting at a desk next to the mound, in the field of play, taking calls from other teams. In all seriousness, can you imagine any team calling the Rangers about a trade?

Rangers, “So, is Wilson Ramos available?”
“Um, this is the Mets. He played for us last year, and he was released by the Tigers so you can have him for free.”
“…really? Hmm, we’ll trade you Adolis Garcia for him.”
“We don’t have him, and we’re calling about Kyle Gibson!” I.e., the Rangers are one of the dumbest franchises. Thankfully, the Rangers and Rockies are both sellers, because if they were on the phone together, it would just be one long dur.

Joey Gallo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 3rd homer in two games, and five homers in eight games. “Just cough into the phone.” “What?” “You heard me.” That’s Joey Gallo asking Schwarber to pass on some of what he’s got.

Willie Calhoun – Hit the IL with a fractured left forearm. All I have to say about Calhoun is at least Buxton’s good when healthy.

Zach Thompson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.00. Before this start, to activate Bellinger, I dropped Thompson and held Cody Poteet, in one of my deepest leagues. Like a massive idiot! Any hoo! Thompson goes to The A-T-L next, Streamonator hates it, but the Marlins only develop aces, so…who knows? I don’t trust Thompson, though.

Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .229. Also, in this game, Treat Urner (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 12th homer, and it’s so hard for me to look at the Nats’ box scores without crying for 20 minutes about Juan Soto.

Shane McClanahan – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.09. In case you’re wondering, not matter what McClanahanananananan does the rest of this year, I’m already going to be too high on him next year.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .203. Decided to take a deeper look at Lowe. Guess you could say I went *pinkie to mouth* Lowe’r. What looks to be happening is he’s chasing more, and even worse is he’s making contact. Good way to make more outs is to swing at bad pitches and hit them into the defense. Is it fixable? Don’t see why not.

Shohei Ohtani – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (25) legs (11). Is this the greatest season in the history of baseball? When you consider what he’s doing as a hitter and pitcher, well, you realize it can’t be so good. In this game alone, Phil Gosselin hit his 2nd homer yesterday and he has a 0.00 ERA, and, elsewhere, Sean Manaea has a 1.000 AVG. Good luck beating that, Ohtani!

Patrick Sandoval – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.89. I like Sandoval, in general, but it’s not love, and I view him mostly as an Anaheim Streamroller. With that said, Streamonator loves his next, and so do I.

Ross Stripling – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.27. What Stripling’s been doing recently is good, and would continue to roster him in almost all leagues, but, as I watched him yesterday, I did remember how scary Buffaloronto Wild Winds Park is.

Ryan Mountcastle – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, hitting .264. Hit 8 homers and ~.350 in June, which is great if we’re going to get Mountcastle picked up by Netflix and another season with the cast returning. Shame the Mountcastle spin-off B.O.H.M., that was brought to us by the same creators, never worked out.

Tejay Antone – Hit the IL with a forearm strain. That’s weird, he had a forearm injury two weeks ago. It’s almost like if you’re a pitcher, you can’t just return from a forearm injury. Hunh. *licks pencil point, makes note, 30 years later, diagnosed with lead poisioning* Damn it! Now that the Reds are Sans Antone, well, who knows with that 9th inning of theirs, but Brad Brach is the only one I’d continue to go near.

Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.14. For better or worse, hopefully better not worse, I’m now starting Castillo in every league.

Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.20 vs. Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.69. Eflin and deGrom’s ERAs to end this game were 4.20/0.69, which is baseball ratios speak for Stoned Horny Time.

Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.20. This was Wheeler’s return to Metco, and after the game he visited the Long Island Matzzes to pay tribute.

Jose Alvarado – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.79, as he entered the 8th. Maybe what Girardi meant was Alvarado would be used to create save opportunities. Like Michelle Pfeiffer, the Phils’ bullpen womb is polluted. Anyone who gets the “closer nod” in Philly should immediately walk into the ocean and never return. Any hoo! If you want to go for Archie Bradley (1 IP, 1 ER, and his 1st save yesterday, ERA at 4.24) tell me how it goes!

Kevin Pillar – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Max Kranick – 5 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 0 walks, 0.00 ERA as he keeps his improbable run going to start his career, as it’s been exactly five innings in, and he’s perfect. Yesterday, the rain hit harder than Karnick’s opponent, the Cards. Kranick has a 95 MPH fastball, and basically nothing else. I didn’t even put in a bid for him in my NL-Only leagues.

Nico Hoerner – Rehabbing in Triple-A. Grab him now! *no one actually does pick him up* Sigh.

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Can it be, is it really, Bellinger is actually getting hot? Only two more homers until he catches the all-world Zach McKinstry (2-for-4, 4 RBIs), who hit a grand slam yesterday.

Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.25. They call that vintage. From the Burgundy region of South Los Angeles. Actually, Justin Turner’s from the Burgundy region. Hmm, make that, the Burginghy.

Julio Urias – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Thinking back at how I said Urias could win the Cy Young this year and laughing hysterically to offset how dumb I appear, but the laughing makes me seem dumber. With that said, nice start from Urias.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .299. “I remember him when he was a kid.” That’s dirt watching Cruz.

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .251. Due to all the Donaldson questions I get, if you would’ve told me Donaldson had two homers on the year, I would’ve believed you. Some of you act you don’t have any shares of Cody Bellinger.

Andrelton Simmons – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .246, but hitting over-.300 in the last week, and has been hot over the last couple of days. Whispering a schmotato alert.

Josh Naylor – Involved in a nasty collision with Ernie Clement, who threw Naylor so badly, it looked like it was Eric Cement. Hopefully, Naylor’s okay, but looked like his ankle went the wrong way.

Dinelson Lamet – Got beat up on Saturday…in the game, not by escorting Pham to a strip club. Amazing all the people saddened to hear Lamet had lost velocity on Saturday. They should’ve been sad when he wasn’t forced to have Tommy John surgery nine months ago. Lamet could be two months from returning, instead he’s two years away, at the earliest. Now, he’s just dealing with forearm fatigue. Yeah, sure.

Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .254. He just reached a settlement with the strip club where he was stabbed, which makes me wonder if he had Tim Locastro as his attorney, because that was crazy fast. I guess all parties wanted to settle fast, so now he can go back and the club gets back a great customer.

Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.44 vs. Zac Gallen – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.69. This matchup was billed as, “A Gallen of Yu, but I’d prefer a pint,” which I think is a country song.

Cole Irvin – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.64. At least one Cole was decent yesterday. Now I need to see my chiropractor, because I just snapped my back out of whack. “Just because someone’s a MediOAKer pitcher it doesn’t mean they can’t ever be more.” — Which is how I sign my birthday card to Cole Irvin.

Matt Chapman – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15-game hitting streak continues unabated. Also, unabated sounds like a much dirtier word than it is, like cum laude.

Tommy La Stella – Had a setback at his rehab assignment. He fractured his thumb while doing high-contact Fonzie’ing.

Sammy Long – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.95. Samantha Long has great peripherals. Let me know if anyone plays in a league that counts xERA, FIP and other such stats.

Jose Abreu – Left Sunday’s game after being struck by a fastball on his knee, but is listed as day-to-day. Rex Reed says, “The White Sox staged adaption of M.A.S.H. is a triumph!” USA Today says, “(The injured players) on the White Sox are better than what’s on the field!” The New Yorker’s Pauline Kael says, “Nothing, she’s dead.”

Mitch Haniger – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Pretty remarkable, Haniger’s able to hit a hanger without wincing.

Hector Santiago – Was ejected from the game as the first person seemingly caught with a sticky substance on his glove. Tests will be done. If I were Santiago, I would simple tell the umps, “I think I know why it’s sticky…I put oil in my glove last night, and made sweet love to it.” Watch how fast the umps drop the glove.

Marco Gonzales – On the paternity list. Hoping the birth goes like this:  Baby pops its head out and his wife exclaims, “Marco!” The baby then says, “Polo,” and put its head back in.