“Guten tag, mi amigos. Um, I mean, hola. I am mucho from a Spanish-language country and not at all on the run from the German authorities.” That was the Nazi in Exile as a youth, taking the very conspicuous name German Marquez. Yesterday, was a big-time “Hola, meine frau” as German Marquez took a no-hitter into the 9th inning in Coors, and ended up with 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.62 in 92 pitches, as he racked up his 11th Quality Start. My Jewish ancestors would never forgive me, but I want to help the Nazi in Exile, and in the process my better Angels. Well, not my better Angels, just the Angels. Someone disguise their voice, call up the Angels and tell them the Rockies will deal German Marquez for anything, because the Rockies are a very stupid organization. You can tell the Rockies they’re getting a guy named Ham Silliard and just read them Sam Hilliard’s Triple-A stats to them and they’ll go for it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer. Slammin’ Kyle Schwarber now has 12 homers in the last ten games; 16 homers in the last 18 games, and needs only one more homer to tie Bonds for most homers in a month by a lefty ever. Somehow, Schwarber has hit more homers this month than pitches he’s seen. How is that possible? How is Kyle Schwarber possible? He has 18 singles in his past 36 base hits, and 18 home runs. Um, that’s insane.
Juan Soto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. I don’t know how he hit the ball into the ground and out of the park, but I don’t want to question it. Please let this be a sign that Sexy Dr. Pepper is more fizzy than fizzled.
Victor Robles – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. “Hey, if we drop the body into the tank at Red Lobster, we can blame the lobsters–Wait! Robles moved! He’s alive!”
Joe Ross – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Know what kind of season Ross is having? A great season if you have him in NL-Only, and kinda unownable in mixers. You can check the Streamonator, but I doubt it ever likes him. The track record just isn’t very good.
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-2 and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Obviously, he’s seeing the ball well. He’s hot. It’s good. So the Rays are in a one-run game, and Cash removes him for the worm killer, Yandy Diaz. Cash ruins everything around me, CREAM get the money.
Mike Zunino – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .207. Zunino’s having a good Zunino year. Makes sense, I guess.
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.70. ACKCHUALLY an impressive start. No, he didn’t have his best stuff. Shoot, he didn’t have Julio Teheran’s best stuff, but he battled back and ended up making it not half bad. Streamonator loves his next, and I could see it.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 27th and 28th homer. Between him and Schwarber, you can set your watch by them homering. If you have a homers and at-bats hand on your watch. Cool watch, if you do. If you’re wondering what’s going on with Ohtani, a pitcher leads the majors in home runs. Ya know, your basic shizz you see all the time.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Wake me when he also throws 101 MPH and strikes out 14+ guys per nine. Snooze if not.
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Loving Sanchez this year. Dot dot dot. Okay, in the last ten days I’ve started to like him.
Miguel Andujar – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Meh, whatever, you were so two weeks ago. I’ve moved on, homey.
Aaron Ashby – Called up by the Brewers to presumably work out of the bullpen, and Ashby will update the timeless Harold and Maude. Prospect Itch said about Ashby, “Over the Top is a film about Arm Wrestling featuring the super-syllabic stylings of Slyvester Stallone, written by Sly and Stirling Silliphant. If you haven’t seen it, I envy you. You’ve got a wonderfully ridiculous 80’s afternoon in your future. ‘Over the top’ is also an apt description of Aaron Ashby’s delivery, which gives all four of his pitches slightly different spin angles than hitters typically see. If he can find a way to command it, he’s got a good chance to be effective as a starter. If not, he’ll still carve out a career as a bullpen piece. Also, I’d like to carve up Grey.” Okay, what the hell? Ashby’s command is a mess — think a young FreddyKBB — so I’d leave him for deep leagues.
Jose Urquidy – Dealing with shoulder discomfort. Can’t believe those bagged mandarins that fell out in my trunk lasted longer. Cuties > Uracutie.
Alex Bregman – Dusty Baker said Bregman is at least a month away. Better chance of Ingmar Bergman returning for a game of chess.
Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-5, 1 run as he got his 10th game in the outfield. Now move him back to DH for the remainder of the year with those knees bubble wrapped.
Cedric Mullins – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .323. Mullins making a last-minute case for the All-Star Game, which should’ve been more no doubt than Gwen Stefani.
Anthony Santander – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .239. He’s so overdue I honestly can’t even remember why I ever liked him. I did though. I think.
Nick Solak – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, as he was moved to the 8-hole. Hitting behind Eli White and Jonah Heim is not what I had in mind when drafting Nick Solak. Never saw the scouting report that gave his bat a, “Eh, it’s like a notch below a Jewish youth league replacement player.”
Joey Gallo – 2-for-3, and his 17th and 18th homer, hitting .230, and his 5th homer in the last three games. Looking for a guy who could pull a Schwarber? Is that a thing, pulling a Schwarber? It is now! Gallo could pull a Schwarber.
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .251. Also, Mitch Moreland (1-for-4) hit his 6th homer. Both homers came off Ian Kennedy (1 IP, 2 ER). Usually lefties are much nicer to a Kennedy in NoCal.
Drew Pomeranz – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.84, as he was activated from the IL, after having a shoulder issue. Has any pitcher returned in the same season, after a shoulder injury, and been fine? Don’t answer, just look puzzled. That’s my favorite face of yours.
Blake Snell – Was scratched with “Wait, that’s his home/road splits? We can’t seriously be starting him on the road.” We’ll see if he’s able to return for his next home start.
Tommy Pham – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (12), hitting .263. His June 6/5/.310 across six months would make a heck of a slash line. *Pham winces* Sorry, bad choice of words.
Jesse Winker – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .324. Think we’ve glossed over how Winker went from a 200th overall draft pick to securely a top 25 guy. In a Winker of an eye.
Kenta Maeda – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.56. He is so broke.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. The Son of Donald finally made my autocorrect look smart with duck duck duck all over it.
Luis Robert – Has been cleared to ramp up baseball activities. Commence the ball scratching, as they say in doctor’s parlance. Robert (and Eloy) are prolly going to return in August vs. September, as initially feared.
Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.84. Anyone who could only get one strikeout in a game should never be drafted in the top 15 overall.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .270. This guy I just met gave me the handwritten liner notes that were used for Pink Floyd’s Animals. Really entrusting me with them, so it’s a bit careless to put them by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!
Trevor Bauer – Being investigated for assault of a woman. Write down on a postcard the worst possible handling of this situation, then mail it to the league office. From the worst possible handlings of the situation, Rob Manfred will be selecting punishments on the field prior to the All-Star Game.
Max Muncy – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 17th homer, and three homers in the last four games. I looked at his Statcast numbers the other day, and, since then, I’ve been *makes heart sign with hands by heart, arrow shoots me* …I wasn’t making a target.
Tylor Megill – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.82. Igill, Megill, Yougill–Sorry, I was practicing my Megillian. Megill took a step forward during the minor league shutdown — now possesses a 95 MPH fastball, and decent slider, but it all goes back to the command. Outside of NL-Only, where everyone is owned, Megill’s risky due to iffy command.
James McCann – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .240. Based on nothing, I could see McCann having a much better 2nd half, and not simply because he couldn’t be much worse.
Michael A. Taylor – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (5), hitting .239. In this game, Whit Merrifield (2-for-4) also slammed (8) and legged (22), and Ryan O’Hearn (3-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 6th homer, and, like, the 12th homer in the last week. This box score, honestly, had me questioning whether I had Monday’s box score open by mistake because all the same guys were homering on the Royals. M.A.T. and O’Hearn are two of the biggest hot schmotatoes, and Merrifield is tiptoeing in front of the TV like Santa’s Little Helper trying to get other teams’ attention.
Jean Segura – 0-for-2, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Segura missed two weeks, which is “I left my last two weeks in El Segundo” in Spanish.
Vince Velasquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.22. Will be petitioning my fantasy league that I meant to pick up Velasquez and not Pivetta. Seven votes overturns my stupidity. Wish me luck. Streamonator liked this Velasquez start, and hates his next.
Jose Alvarado – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.25, and the save, which was not worth any of the stress I had to deal with to get the save. My God man is Alvarado unable to make anything easy. It’s like he starts every hitter with a 3-2 count. About to start calling him The Full Count.
Adam Duvall – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Welp, I guess he’s homering again on Wednesday.
Trevor Rogers – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.14. Talked to Mish the other day, the Marlins’ beat writer who told us Jesus Sanchez was coming up a week in advance and Corey Dickerson wanted to be traded. Mish told me Rogers is throwing 170 IP this year, so many more than I expected. That’s basically how many IP I’d expect from anyone, so he’s not a Sell necessarily.
Hector Santiago – Suspended for 10 games after the umps confiscated his glove. Rosin is allowed, but not allowed on pitchers’ gloves. Should just have a catapult under the mound for when a pitcher touches his glove.
Ty France – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .261, and 2nd homer in three games. When France hits a home run, they call that a French fly.
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.43. There’s so many bigger storylines this year, but it does feel like we’re not talking enough about how Robbie Ray just decided to throw nothing but strikes this year.
Corey Dickerson – Sent to the Jays with Adam Cimber for Joe Panik. Panik goes to Miami just so Pitbull can wear his jersey. Corey Dickerson is in a walking boot for another month-plus at least, so you might be wondering why the Jays got him. Well, I have that answered, too. You ever get a parking ticket and hold onto it for five years, putting it under your windshield wiper whenever you park so meter maids don’t give you a new ticket? That’s why you want to roster a guy with the walking boot. No one else will get a boot on your team. And Cimber was brought in because the Jays are big Lion King fans.