Hope our five girl readers had a beautiful Mother’s Day yesterday. I sent my mother a trade offer sending her Tyler Flowers and Goodrum. She appreciated the thought. Also, I wore pink the entire day for you mothers, because that is a very girly color that baseball keeps perpetuating every year. Why can’t mothers be into purple or lavender or mauve or rose or fuchsia or flamingo or other shades of a color similar to purple or pink? How about next year all players wear lavender pants suits for Mother’s Day? Ooh, I have an idea. Since all pink bats are relegated to the trash bin after Mother’s Day, how about players use them again to raise awareness to spay or neuter your pets? Like an in-heat bitch (medical term in vet school), George Springer was hot with that pink bat (more vet med terms), going 5-for-5, 5 runs, 4 RBIs with his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .321. The good news is he’s finally living up to his top 10 potential. The bad news is his owners from last year are on suicide watch. But, hey, it’s not us, right?! (Actually, it is me. Damn.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Corbin Martin – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks as he was called up to replace Collin McHugh in the rotation. Kids outside Beverly Hills High School, “Corbin Martin graduates! Corbin Martin graduates! Corbin Martin graduates!” That other guy screaming out the window, that’s the guy who has been holding Forrest Whitley all year. As for Martin, Prospect Mike said, “Martin is a college arm with experience both in relief and in the rotation. His plus fastball/slider combo would work in either role, but he had a great year as a starter in Double-A, throwing over 100 innings with a walk rate under three and a strikeout rate around 8.5. Also, 8.5 is what I give Grey as a boss, on a scale of one to a million.” Not cool, man. Martin was also throwing wipeout butter-yum-yum this year in Triple-A (10+ K/9, 1.48 ERA), and could be worth grabbing in all leagues.
Alex Bregman – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homers, hitting ..277. No foolsie, how did Springer knock in 4 RBIs and batting right behind him Bregman knocked in 5 RBIs? Yo, Astros are cheating. Not cool, and busted.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Whenever I see his name in the box score “G. Cole,” I start singing, “Can’t get enough, can’t get enough, Cole world.” Just me? Okay.
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .327. Elvis is so hot TV cameras are being told to only shoot him from the waist up. Weird times.
Tyler Glasnow – Hit the IL for a month to six weeks with a mild forearm strain. Ah, yes, one of those “mild” forearm strains. “Hey, Jimmy, can your mom pick us up after school?” “She’s recovering from a ‘mild’ stabbing, but should be able to get us around 2:45.” “Great, tell her Happy Mother’s Day!” “I’ll hop into that ‘mild’ emergency room and do just that!” As for actionable intel, think you have to hold Glasnow, but I’d be shocked if you get anything else good from him this year, especially the way he came out of the game, calling for the trainers himself.
Blake Snell – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.56. But he got the loss, which is all that matters (to people who don’t understand what matters). What a shame (if you don’t get why wins and losses are stupid). I also feel bad for those with parenthetical blindness (but not really).
Austin Meadows – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, as he led off. Let’s see if we can follow this logic. He returned on Friday and hit leadoff while homering. Then he hit sixth on Saturday, and didn’t homer. Then he hit leadoff on Sunday and homered again. SAT Question of Day! Where should Meadows hit in the next game? A) Leadoff. B) You don’t understand obvious shizz. C) There’s no C. D) All of the above. I’m guessing Kevin Cash will choose B, C or D.
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.44. He’s been great, headed for his best season ever, yadda3, but what I really wanted to point out is the Yankees’ lineup has Gio Urshela hitting third. El oh eff, wow, interjection of surprise, I mean, woof with a side of blech in a vomitorium.
Felix Hernandez – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.52. Comatose F-Her Fan, “Hey, guys I’ve been in a coma since 2016, but I’m a big F-Her fan and I was wondering if you guys wanted to go to his Hall of Fame induction ceremony with me. Guys…? Where are you going? Why is everyone walking away from me with weird looks?”
Michael Chavis – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs, hitting .282. There’s this weird thing that happens sometimes. A guy is called up, does better than he has any right doing, and, while he’s <high beams>still</high beams> performing well, people want to drop him for no conceivable reason. Here’s an idea, wait until Chavis stops performing to drop him. Cool? Cool.
Rafael Devers – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .336 and hitting around .500 in the last week, and still only has two homers on the year, but with five steals. Devers is such a throwback he’s been wearing one of those super-baggy uniforms–Wait a minute, Dustin Pedroia has been playing all year wearing Devers’s uniform, hasn’t he?
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. Double Just Dong just for the mothers. What a good boy.
Harold Ramirez – Called up from the minors. The Marlins haven’t been this excited for a rookie H. Ramirez since Hanley Ramirez. Was a shame that Hodor Ramirez never panned out. I grabbed Harold Ramirez in so many leagues you’d think I slept with Jeter and got one of those coveted Harry & David gift baskets. Ramirez has been traded multiple times in the minors, getting passed around like CBD oil with a bunch of arthritic hippies, but he looks like a 10/20/.260 hitter and he’s been having a bit of a breakout season in the minors this year, so maybe there’s more here.
Corey Seager – 1-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .227. I don’t mean to laugh, but can you imagine drafting Seager in the top five rounds and this is the shizz you get? I’d have some major FBBOMO.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.72. *presses doorbell, door slowly opens* “Hello, Mr. Ryu, I am hear to wrap your groin in bubble wrap so nothing happens to it.”
Miles Mikolas – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.83. The Streamonator liked this start, and hates his next one, and, in most shallower leagues, Mikolas is around that of a cutoff. Guess you can call him a Miles marker.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .270. Au Shizz!
Jose Martinez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .339. Boring blurb about my team alert! In the last update, I was in the top ten for RCL teams, and I’ve owned Jo-Ma for the last three to four weeks. Haven’t really thought about dropping him for a while, and that’s a 12-team mixed league with lots of options.
Josh Bell – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .319. Okay, so I should’ve dropped Jo-Ma for Jo-Be when I had the chance. Damn, Bell is having a legit breakout that will burn everyone next year when they draft him. Call it a premonition, or a gut call after three mimosas.
Max Fried – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Well, I’m glad he’s healthy, but not that glad because he gave me a bleh start.
Luke Jackson – 2 IP, 0 ER and his 4th save, ERA at 2.25. Jackson’s beginning to look like the SAGNOF pickup of the year. Unless you were in one of those shallow leagues where you could pick up Shane Greene three weeks into the season. In related news, Craig Kimbrel turned to the back of his sudoku book and cheated on his puzzle.
Jon Duplantier – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.25. Around noon yesterday, “Man, I am excited I was able to get Duplantier in my NL-Only league. Doode’s gonna rock out running his arbitration clock out!” Around 4 PM, “Wait, why did they bring him into middle relief? Eff me.”
Adam Jones – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .272, and his 2nd homer in as many games. “Why is that petunia grabbing my ankle? Oh my God, it’s a Zombino hand!”
Matt Olson – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .214. Great sign that he was able to hit a home run after he had his hamate bone removed. If he made like a Siamese twin, and showed me another dong soon, I’d be even happier.
Jefry Rodriguez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.92. Whether I believe in him or not (I don’t), the Streamonator loves his next start and I can understand why.
Dereck Rodriguez – Optioned to the minors, because he was pitching like Dreck Rodriguez. I looked to grab Tyler Beede in all of my NL-Only leagues; he could stick and be dominate, or at least better than Dreck.
Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Bumgarner revealed the teams on his no-trade list by cutting into a cake that said, “Will it be a cupcake, a stud muffin or a Yankee?”
Yaisel Puig – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, hitting .217. “We can use his body for mulch, but if the neighbors see us fertilizing with a dead body, they might rat us out because we didn’t buy Girl Scout cookies from their kid–Wait! He just moved! Puig’s alive!”
Zach Davies – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.54. Feels like every year Davies goes on one of these insane runs, then the Regression Fairies show up at your doorstep in stretch pants, talking about how they saw the cutest boy at their spin class.
Jon Lester – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.16. Obviously, he’s not pitching that well, but he is pitching about as well as the 15th best starter in baseball. His xFIP is equal to that of Chris Paddack, Noah Syndergaard and Jose Quintana.
Steve Cishek – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save, ERA at 2.84. I’m holding Strop, but it would not shock me at all if Cishek took the Cubs’ closer job and ran with it. Similar but different to Augusten Burroughs’s fantasy team he named, Running with Cishek.
Kris Bryant – 3-for-4, 3 runs,. 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. I kinda wanna say sell him again just to fuel him even further. Can I reverse jinx sell (RJS) him to 50+ homers?
Spencer Turnbull – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.42. Instead of taking the Pablo Lopez route to a 4+ ERA, Turnbull is chipping away at his value, going from Turnbull to Charles Barkley pronouncing “Turnbull” over the course of a few starts.
Daniel Norris – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.63. His peripherals (6.8 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 4.82 xFIP, garbage swinging strike rate, fools no one, can we just get out of this parenthetical, shizz is not getting better) speak for themselves.
Nicholas Castellanos – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .278. The Greek God of Hard Contact celebrated after the game with 600 of his closest family members at the local chapter of the DMCA (Diners Make Celebrations Awesome).
Brandon Dixon – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Nelson Cruz – Will have an MRI on his wrist after swinging and missing on Sunday. If that’s all it took, imagine how many MRIs Chris Davis would need. “I’m Gary Thorne and I’m here with Jim Palmer. Hey, Jim, it’s good to see you, and you’re not just wearing underwear.” “Thanks, Gary, one of the keys to today’s game will be to get Chris Davis to avoid taking five MRIs.”
Martin Perez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Okay, Perez, don’t be one of those pitchers who waits until they’re over 75% owned to start defecating the duvet.
Zach Eflin – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.47. Think about how smug the guy in your league is who owns Soroka, Eflin, Ryu, Paddack and Caleb Smith, while you’re scratching your ass with shares of Kluber and Sale. Sure, I’m cherrypicking pitchers who have been doing great, just like you could’ve cherrypicked them in your drafts or off waivers.
Cole Irvin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks in his major league debut. He had an under-6 K/9 in Triple-A and might not get another start if Vince Velasquez returns as expected. Though, Cole/Irving excites every hipster with a record player. “I’m going to eat artisanal honey from a jar and listen to this scratchy rendition of ragtime.”
Lucas Giolito – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.55. He’s breaking out. Feels like I came around very fast on him, but I didn’t. I’ve been waiting for this Giolito since he came up in 2016. Every prospect has his own pace. Some prospects come up and are electric, then take a dump their sophomore year, then become electric again. Some are just electric the whole time. And others come up and hit .190 like Vlad Jr. Every metric is pointing to Giolito breaking out now. He is a must-grab in all leagues.
Tim Anderson – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and only 2nd homer in three games since my Friday sell. Reverse jinx sell coming on slow this time, usually my Sells have ten homers within three days of the sell.
Aaron Sanchez – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Random prediction alert that I will remind people of from now until next year or totally forget about if it doesn’t come true! Sanchez will be one of the most talked about sleepers next year that won’t be a sleeper because he will be talked about so much. He is in on the precipice of breaking out, but his walk rate needs to be tamed.
Griffin Canning – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.65 vs. John Means – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.33. This was a matchup of sexy and you want even if it will burn you vs. safe, boring guy who you should prolly own, i.e., The ends don’t justify the John Means.
Chris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .189. Everyone who is a fan of any team besides the Orioles, don’t worry, Davis will be a free agent in 2023.
Dwight Smith Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .286. Not bad, but Mike Trout hit his 9th homer! Though, Smith’s batting average is better than Trout’s. *gargles with arsenic*
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer. Chazz Noir went double dong, and housewives everywhere fanned themselves, gasping, “For Mother’s Day, I bought myself a new extra-long shower head.”
Raimel Tapia – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .313. Tapia is my happening and it freaks me out!
Francisco Mejia – Hit the IL with a knee sprain. If only that happened in March so he didn’t have to hit for the last six weeks.
Franmil Reyes – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .266 Yesterday, the Padres changed their uniforms to Madres for Mother’s Day, which is a sweet sentiment, but they might’ve went a bit too far when they had Fernando Tatis Jr.’s uniform changed to Tetas.
Joey Lucchesi – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.57. Don’t you love when a guy pitches terrible in, say, Petco then pitches well in Coors? I mean, don’t you just love it? Joey Lucchesi, the Passive Aggressive Mob Boss. “Ya don’t have to put da horse’s head in da murdered’s bed. I can do it myself, even with my bad back. I’m sure you done ya best.” Jesus Christ, Joey, just tell me to put the horse’s head in the dead guy’s bed and stop being passive aggressive!
