Maybe it was the food poisoning I had yesterday, but I had a dream Toomgis, the AM/PM mascot, and I were driving around talking about September baseball. It feels like half the teams are either resting regulars for the playoffs, or the other teams that are out of it are resting regulars to give rookies a chance. Those are the matchups you need to capitalize on with starting pitchers. By the way, Toomgis is so obvious a creation of stoned creatives. It’s a collection of stoner food and Toomgis stands for ‘Too Much Good Stuff.’ Um, okay, but there’s an I in there. Stoner creative, “Eye-shmeye, we just need to move on before I eat our prototype.” One more Toomgis point, how is this not Colorado’s national bird? Any hoo! So, with this matchups point hidden amongst my fracking in on Toomgis, we have Jharel Cotton capitalizing. In his first major league start, 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Jharel Cotton makes me think of Faye Dunaway in a heavy Southern accent saying, “I shall avert my eyes.” Cotton showed good control in the minors, and solid Ks, but in redraft leagues, you’re more worried about matchups this time of year. For 2017, Cotton idolized Pedro Martinez and I can see why. He’s five-eleven soaking wet (but I’m not sure people get taller when wet). He also relies on the speed of the fastball and the break of the change. A change that might carry him to glory, as soon as next year. In keepers, I’d be very interested. For this year, go with Toomgis’ advice on matchups. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryon Healy – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting over-.300 in the last week. Okay, I’m not one to talk, but the autoplay videos on ESPN’s player pages are so freakin’ annoying. If you’re gonna do annoying ads, at least throw in a “Ten Times These Celebrities Almost Lost Their Bikinis” or something totally obnoxious like we have.
C.J. Cron – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, and his 5th homer in the last nine games. Too bad no one’s mentioned to pick him up. Except for me. Repeatedly. As in over and over again. That’s the only thing repeatedly means. Just hammering the same point home again. That’s repeatedly again.
Giancarlo Stanton – 0-for-1, as he returned quickly from his groin injury. Not saying he returned that fast because I dressed a Cabbage Patch Doll in a Giancarlo jersey then hung a banana from its groin and used voodoo and hand friction to cure Giancarlo, but, yes, that is what I’m saying. I attempted to pick up Giancarlo in all the leagues where he was dropped, but, honestly, I don’t expect much more from him this year than, say, Grichuk.
Andrew Cashner – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.77. His gross beard makes him look a bit like someone who wasn’t socialized properly and his ERA splits also make him appear to be nothing but a homeschooler.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 runs as he returned from the injured but not DL’d list. OZUNA happy to contribute. OZUNA have to refuse Loria’s offer to contribute to Giancarlo’s salary.
Matt Duffy – Will undergo season-ending surgery on his Achilles injury. If you really needed him for your fantasy teams, this would be a geek tragedy.
Dylan Bundy – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.82. Next year, do you put him in the class of pitchers that will take the next step? Need to see more? Can’t trust him? Yes, it will be hard to peg Bundy.
Nick Franklin – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Damn, I streamed him on Monday for a batty call, but I missed this game. Check out my ‘tude! That’s ineptitude.
Kevin Kiermaier – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting near .350 in the last week. My schmotato has a first half of his last name, it’s K-I-E-R. My schmotato has a 2nd half of his last name, it’s M-A-I-E-R.
Mikie Mahtook – 3-for-4, 3 runs and he was just recalled on Monday– Sorry, I Mahtook you for someone who cared.
Drew Smyly – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.05. I was thinking that there was more qualified starters with a 5.00+ ERA this year than any other year (8). Turns out I wasn’t close to correct. In 1998, there was 17, and four pitchers who had a 6+ ERA. (This year there’s one: Shields.) Because I was in one of those moods, there’s only 43 seasons of a 6.00+ ERA since 1921. 20 of those seasons have come since 1998.
Jose Quintana – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.13. Quintana is so committed to being a 3.30 ERA pitcher, he’s been less than stellar for two starts in a row. Stream-o-Nator likes him to correct his shizz his next time out.
Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Everyone who held him this year won’t go near him next year. Everyone that dropped him or traded him away to see him get hot recently won’t draft him, and everyone that traded for him won’t touch him either. So, Upton will go undrafted in all leagues next year.
Carlos Correa – Out for a few days with a sprained shoulder. Yikes, that came out of nowhere, right? Could this be why he’s looked less than amazing in his sophomore year? Not to answer but to scratch one’s head.
Dallas Keuchel – No tear found in his shoulder. I remembered in the preseason how his agent refused to discuss a long-term contract coming off the Cy Young year, so, out of curiosity, I went to look at the agent’s page again, and it seems like Keuchel hasn’t changed agents. I guess the bed has already been made.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. He hit 7 HRs and .263 in April and people were like, “Grey you’re handsome AF, and this year Rasmus is breaking out! I’m dropping Dozier for him.” Those people are now playing fantasy football.
Yulieski Gurriel – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st major league homer, getting a low and away slider and yakking it to left. For those that found us by Googling for the slider restaurant in Afghanistan, The Yak King, sorry, you need to use the internet cafe for a little more time.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer, hitting .253. ‘Member when Napoli was just a punchline about how his mom’s jugs can’t be contained by a shirt? Now that Napoli’s hitting he can afford to get his mom a slightly bigger shirt.
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 17th steal. Too early to say for sure, but I get a feeling that Lindor’s going to be priced too high for my taste. I always discount average, and other ‘perts give it equal attention if not more. Lindor’s got nice power and speed, but hitting .320 clouds peoples’ perceptions.
Mike Leake – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.61, as he returned from the DL. Looks like shingles didn’t shore up the Leake.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-3 and his 4th steal. Okay, okay, I loved the power, but now you’re stealing bases too? I’m putting a handkerchief to my forehead and about to faint. Someone big and strong catch me.
Jung Ho Kang – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and two homers the day before. If he was dropped when he caught charges, I could see going back to him. Just keep your hands above the belt!
Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.27. If the Stream-o-nator didn’t love his next start, I’d say that he’s likely wearing down and might be time to move on, but I’d hold for one more.
Joe Ross – Set for a simulated game. JB will be hitting during the simulated game, and it will take place on his Wii.
Stephen Strasburg – Activated from the DL to leave again in the third inning wincing in pain. Think you’re wincing now, Strasburg, wait until you see the bill from Dr. James Andrews. “How many tendons did you charge me for?!” Strasburg is likely droppable; my guess is even in keepers, but I’d wait for the MRI results. The most probable MRI results will say, “You again?”
Dansby Swanson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many days, but the first home run to leave the park. Tuesday’s homer was an inside-the-park homer due to a route Trea took not using Waze.
Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.55. Only real blemish was a Starlin Castro (1-for-4) home run, but that’s like saying Steve Buscemi’s only real blemish is his weaselly face. I mean, that’s kinda everything.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4 and his 29th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-4 and his 14th and 15th homers. Not bad. Dot dot dot. And he’s hitting .299. Yeah, that’s pretty effin’ wonderful. Dot dot dot. HE HAS 52 STEALS! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Sorry for the caps, my keys got sticky. No comment on why they’re sticky.
Kendrys Morales – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, after hitting two homers on Tuesday. Open your phone. Turn on the camera. Turn the lens so it’s facing you. Record video. Now ask yourself why you haven’t picked up Kendrys. Okay, now you can play that video this offseason when you’re wondering why you lost your league.
Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.13. Duffy and I have had some glorious times this year, but I was thisclose to dropping him if he would’ve gave up one more run. You’re on notice, Duff Man. Oh yeah!
Trevor Plouffe – Sounds out for the year with a strained oblique and intercostal. Nice dedication to get to the offseason, but just one of those strains would’ve sufficed.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 4th home run since his recall a week ago. Now that’s how a top prospect acts.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Exhibit A on why it doesn’t matter how terrible a hitter looks coming into Coors, they can still hit in Coors. Exhibit B will be no matter how well they hit in Coors, it won’t solve their problems when they leave Coors tomorrow.
Gorkys Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Because I’m a child of the 80s, I watched Gorkys home run through a hole in the locker room wall.
David Dahl – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .323. Also, in this game, Tom Murphy (2-for-4) hit his 2nd homer. Coors, Coors, Coors, Coors. Yes, yes, yes. Uh, yes. But these guys can hit outside of Coors too. Homerundiddlyumptious!
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4 and his 37th homer. “Looks like clear skies to land.” “Um, Captain, Arenado’s coming up to bat.” “Another Torenado?!”
Yoan Moncada – Sat out yesterday after K’ing seven straight times. I refuse to believe any future superstar coming from Cuba could be a bust. No way! At least that’s what Hector Olivera, Puig, and Alex Guerrero tell me. (And, yes, I almost included Jose Abreu.)
Travis Shaw – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games he’s played. Mean’s while, Yoan was telling tales to his teammates about all of the 1950s automobiles of his youth in the 2000s.
Adam Lind – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homers. That batty call would’ve been sweet, especially if you would’ve grabbed him while saying, “Lind-a-want stats!” Then smacked your own butt.
Seth Smith – 3-for-3, 3 runs and his 13th homer. Threeth are wild for the Lisper’s Nightmare! And spittle.
Gavin Cecchini – Mets called up their former first round pick. It’s unclear how much he’ll play, but my guess is not too much since the Mets are still in the mix and that mix being a Molotov cocktail of arm injuries and playoff chances. Unless Cecchini makes someone an offer they can’t throw in the garbage in Britain. Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t have used a thesaurus for refuse.
Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (6) and legs (8), hitting .287. This was his 2nd slam and legs in as many games. He’s now third place for slam and legs on the Mets (according to the 2nd best Gary in New York; Gary Cohen.) Can you guess the top two slam and legs guys for the Mets? It’s easy. I’ll give you a hint, one did a lot of coke in a Howard Johnson on Rt. 22, another is Howard Johnson.
Noah Syndergaard – 5 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA 2.48. He had given up seven baserunners through three innings and let’s just say it’s lucky the Reds were thinking about their offseason plans rather than playing baseball.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 25th homer, hitting .225. Second homer of the series and 5th homer in his last eight games. Not sure if he’s owned in your league, but he should be. The schmotato is alive.
Anthony DeSclafani – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.93. He deserved better, as mentioned in my Secret ‘Gaarden blurb. The Reds ran themselves out of multiple innings and played about 20% on defense.
Jose Peraza – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .347. I can’t remember where I’ve heard this guy’s name before. It might be from my countless mentions. But they’re countless, because you can’t count them.
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.46. We should start a Go Fund Me to get Ray’s ERA and WHIP to resemble his glorious Ks.
Brock Stewart – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 6.55. Stream-o-Nator wanted me to stream him so bad yesterday, and I almost did but I got Swanson. I mean, chicken. Sorry, my head was in another blurb.
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. I can’t believe I’ve become a Puig defender, but it’s slightly criminal that he keeps getting benched vs. righties. You know, slightly criminal like Puig’s driving.