Baseball watchers are funny, right? Corbin Burnes (6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 11 Ks) was absolutely dazzling. I’m talking one of the best performances of the young season. Everyone was talking about him. Just filth and people wanted that filth rubbed in their eye balls. “Is that eye black?” “No, it’s Burnes’s filth. I applied it myself.” That was everyone. But why was no one talking about Jose Berrios? He matched Burnes, then one-upped him with a 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 12 Ks, performance. Is that, oh, I don’t know, as I pause here for emphasis, not good? Both of these guys were fantastic, but one of them gave up a home run to Byron Buxton, and one of them was Jose Berrios. Early season overreaction alert! Both of these guys are going to be top 20 starters this year, but only one of them (Burnes) is being treated that way. Berrios is a safer bet for a huge season, and might actually be able to throw 175+ IP this year. Joe Berry has been berry berry good to me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Byron Buxton – Left yesterday’s game feeling under the weather. Ryan or Julian’s merry? So many weathers now.
Mitch Garver – 2-for-3 and his 1st home run. See pitch, hit, Mitch.
Michael Pineda – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. One thing I didn’t mention in the lede that was circling the wagons from my frontal to backwards lobes, the Brewers’ hitting is not at all scary. Streamonator loved this Pineda start, and feels equally generous for his next one.
Adrian Houser – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. ‘Member when this guy was a thing? Way back almost one full 60-game season ago. Was a little crazy to me how quickly we all moved on from Houser, but I seemed to too (stutterer!) in my rankings.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 runs, and his 1st homer. JBJ is a true man, or as JFK would say, “Jackie BJ, era.”
Corey Kluber – 4 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Watched this game on Saturday, and Kluber looked better than I expected, but a cockroach couldn’t shimmy under the bar I have set for Kluber this year.
Domingo German – 3 IP, 3 ER. He really got hit around. Turnabout is fair play.
Robbie Ray – Says he’s really close to returning after injuring himself in a fall. Hopefully, on and off the field, he can limit his walks.
Alejandro Kirk – 0-for-3 as he made his season debut, hitting ninth. Allow me to fuse the preseason excitement with reality, “Grey, do you love Kirk as much as I do? Man, this guy starting once every three days in the nine-hole is so great!”
Randal Grichuk – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. The 1927 Jays have too many weapons. Babe Ruth would be a platoon player for them. Also Babe Ruth playing today would be about as good as Darin Ruf.
Julian Merryweather – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd lights-out save, as Corky Romano came into the game in the 8th inning. Romano got Pipp’d without ever even getting an opportunity. Can understand why this Julian guy is having such a good time in the rain, he looks like he could lead the majors in saves this year. Must get in all leagues.
Cesar Valdez – Recorded his 2nd save on Saturday. This flamethrower is not to be reckoned with! And by “flamethrower” I mean, he puts a lit match into his hand, then farts into his hand before each pitch. It’s pretty cool; you should catch it, if you like smelling turds. I haven’t run out to add Valdez anywhere, but if you’re desperate for saves, Cesar ain’t got no face.
Cedric Mullins – 5-for-5, 3 runs. Forget what I said about Austin Hays. “I can’t remember what I say, I’m supposed to remember what you say?” That’s the idea! Might just be a hot schmotato, but Mullins is worth grabbing in all leagues.
Tanner Houck – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Hopefully, when Ed-Rod returns, Houck remains in the rotation. Houckamania’s runnin’ wild!
Garrett Richards – 2 IP, 6 ER. Fun fact! His name is abbreviated “Grr Dicks” which loosely translates to “grumbling dicks.”
Franmil Reyes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Only 53 more homers so he’s got a home run for every dollar to buy his $54 vending machine steak. Stay hungry!
Aaron Civale – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. C’mon, I want more strikeouts, you giant fuc–Sorry, will keep it Civale.
Akil Baddoo – 1-for-3 as he made his season debut, and homered on the first pitch he saw above Class A. “Hey, I was wondering if I could get some oxygen.” “We have to ask Akil Baddoo. It’s his world we’re living in.” Keep in mind, Baddoo hadn’t even started yet, and the Tigers are the team that made Chris Shelton famous.
Tarik Skubal – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Cleveland’s running Jordan Luplow and Yu Chang out there like that’s a thing, so taking this start with a grain of NaCl, but Skubal’s line should’ve been even better than it was.
Ke’Bryan Hayes – Hit the 10-day IL with wrist inflammation. Could’ve been worse, he could be on all my teams vs. just most of them.
Colin Moran – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .300. If you can roster a Pirates player, you get all the back pats and head mussings your fantasy baseball father can muster. That’s me, by the way.
Ian Happ – 1-for-2, 2 runs, and his 1st home run. Glad to see him back in the lineup Sunday after a day of rest on Saturday, which was after one full day of baseball. Must’ve been exhausted!
Zach Davies – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Guess we’re getting another season of him just proving everyone wrong. Davies vs. the Projections systems. Talking with a Projections System: “Are you prepared for Davies?” “As prepared as we’re gonna be. We’re just going to put him down for 5.00 ERA and see if he can beat it.”
Austin Barnes – It’s Game 134; Austin Barnes is beat up from playing 130 of a possible 134 games behind the plate, and is being wheelbarrowed to his spot behind home plate. Prior to the game, Dave Roberts said, “I heard Will Smith was a prince and wanted to start fresh.” After the confusing of Will Smiths, Roberts actually played Smith yesterday, and he homered, natch’erly.
Julio Urias – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, as he goes into Coors and is it too early to say I want to switch my preseason NL Cy Young favorite to Urias or too late?
Elieser Hernandez – His velocity was off by 10 MPH, and he left his start with biceps inflammation. Sobbing, dropping Elieser from my teams, renaming my teams, “Elieserasure.”
Sean Manaea – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER. C’mon, can’t have a Samoan throw during Girl Scout cookie season.
Kyle Tucker – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. Mother *ucker must’ve been proud. Sorry, someone swi*ched my keys.
Carlos Martinez – 5 IP, 4 ER. He went from CMart to KMart to Dollar Store in like 18 months.
Tyler Naquin – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he leadoff, replacing Winker or Senzel. I’m done trying to figure out the difference. One has speed, one has power, neither can stay on the field. Also, Naquin was a batty call by yours truly, because I have CMart on a team, and I know how awful he is.
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run. The Greek God of Hard Contact so locked in, and wants to be locked into a cage with Cards’ pitcher, Woodford. On Saturday, Castellanos flexed over Woodford at home plate, got tossed, then showed up like the Fonz:
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 3, 2021
Geraldo Perdomo – Called up by the Dbags with Nick Ahmed still suffering from a knee injury. Ahmed wouldn’t make a great M.D., because he thought he’d be fine by now. Here’s what Prospect Itch had to say about the Italian coastal city Perdomo, “(He) got a lot of well-deserved love for being among the youngest players to hold his own in 2019’s Arizona Fall League. He reminds of a young Robinson Cano for the way he stands right on the top of the plate and uses that angle to his advantage, working deep counts and walking as much or more than he strikes out. It’s a little unfathomable that as a 19-year-old in High A, he walked 12.3 percent of the time while striking out in just 9.6 percent of his 114 plate appearances. This came after he split Ks and BBs right down the middle in A ball at 14.5 percent. He might have to get a little more aggressive in his approach as he gets attacked in the zone at the higher levels, but if ain’t broke . . . .Speaking of which, I’d like to break Grey.” What the eff, my dude? So, would the Diamondbacks call up one of their top prospects for only a week or two, or are they just not telling us Dr. Nick — hello, boys and girls! — is going to be out for much longer? I’m not sure, but I put in waiver claims on Perdomo in NL-Only leagues, and am monocle’ing in mixed leagues.
Taylor Widener – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Decided to make the Padres/Dbags my Sunday afternoon game, because I grabbed Widener in one deeper league, and I wanted to see how screwed I was gonna be. Turns out, not that screwed. He works off a 94 MPH fastball, that looks hittable, and lives on his change and slider, the former better than the latter. He could sneak through some of those terrible NL West teams (Giants/Rox) and might have some deeper mixed league value. For now, a Streamonator call.
Joakim Soria – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, as he came into the 8th inning, because major league managers hate fantasy managers. Wait, it gets better! Soria left the game, tweaking something. That’s right, he left the 8th inning of a game where he should’ve been saved for the 9th inning. Dubya tee eff, Torey Luvello! Go back to the Real World/Road Rules Challenge! Chris Devenski got the save, but the next save could be Kevin Ginkel, Stefan Crichton, TBD, or even Soria, if he’s healthy.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. $330 million for one homer? What a joke!
Chris Paddack – 4 IP, 2 ER. Two thoughts from this game. If the Padres are gonna wear camo, they should wear uniforms that would be camouflage at a baseball game — dress up like a hot dog vendor or an usher. Second thought, Paddack didn’t look overpowering against a lineup that I think 2019 Paddack would mow down. Widener looked better. I’m concerned on Paddack.
Caleb Smith – 3 IP, 3 ER. Caleb out here whistling dixie, throwing like it’s still Spring Training. Get *handclap emoji* it *handclap emoji* together.
Travis d’Arnaud -1 -for-4 and his 1st homer. The French Terminator says, “Je suis de retour.”
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 10 Ks. He got more hits than he allowed in what is known colloquially as a, “What every fantasy baseballer thinks they’re getting from Ohtani.”
Andrew Knapp – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. We call that a Knapp four-sacker, which is also Grandpa Joe’s bed.
Michael A. Taylor – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .462, and his 2nd homer on Saturday. *running backwards into the room* Oh, tato mhcs toh! *pauses, runs forward* Hot schmotato!
Brady Singer – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER. I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts, and I think that’s called a Brady violation.
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .308, as he hit leadoff. It’s not just Nick Castellanos’s mother who serves the Israel Diner-Falafel, I served him up to you in this week’s Buy.
Shohei Ohtani – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 walks, 2 hits, 7 Ks, and his 2nd home run. Yo, Madison Bumgarner called, he wants his shtick back! *phone rings* “Oh, hey, Bumgarner, yeah, I told him you called already. No, I’m not going to tell him again, please stop calling.” ACKCHUALLY, I like Ohtani a lot. So fun for real baseball. Highest exit velocity for a hitter, throwing 100 MPH like he’s trying to win a SpongeBob at a carnival. It’s fun! I said it! But barely usable for fantasy as a pitcher, and only usable as a hitter in daily leagues.
Jared Walsh – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd home run. I’ve made a terrible mistake. *screeches to side of road, looks back, reverses back to waiver wires* Maddon’s playing Pujols or what? If he’s not, then great, I’m in on Walsh. I love him still! If he’s playing Pujols, then I’m out. Just someone make up their mind.
Yermin Mercedes – 1-for-5, after going 8-for-9 the previous two games, as he now plays over Andrew Vaughn. Elias Sports Bureau said Yermin Mercedes is the 1st player since 1900 to begin a season with eight consecutive hits. Elias Sports Bureau also added, “Due to a flood in 1947, we’re just guessing on some of these records.” Always dreamt of being able to affordable a Mercedes, but after this weekend, it was not meant to be with FAAB. Small samples are funny, aren’t they? Y’all were dipping your pinkies in molasses and exclaiming sweet sassy after each time you drafted Juan Soto, and he hasn’t even played yet, and Mercedes has already won people leagues. Pack it up! We’re four games in! It’s over! So, Mercedes is a power bat, who could hit .270, according to his minor league numbers, but he’s old for his experience level, and might’ve been considered Quad-A, prior to this weekend, and might be considered that after another week.
Lance Lynn – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks. People seemed upset that Tony La Russa pulled Lynn at 99 pitches to end Lynn’s streak of consecutive games with 100 pitches thrown at 37 games. Yeah, but now Lynn has 38 straight games of 99 pitches thrown. However, if La Russa pulls Lynn in his next game at 98 pitches, then he’s just counting bottles of beer on a wall.