Odrisamer Despaigne almost threw a no-hitter yesterday (7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks) in his Padres camo fatigues, which had Fidel completely uncertain how to react. “I love to wear camo too, but now he’s doing it for the American Baseball Organization and representing their military? I am torn like Natalie Imbruglia.” Luckily, Fidel had someone who burped too loud to assassinate to take his mind off things. Odrisamer Despaigne, or Otis Spunkmeyer as I always want to call him, now has a 1.31 ERA on the year (34 1/3 IP) and a laughable K-rate (4.46). Speaking of communists, that’s even laughable for Correia. Maybe the Mets couldn’t see Spunkmeyer’s pitches because the Padres were also using their trademark camo-painted baseball? Oh, wait, this is the Mets we’re yakking up. How silly of me. Spunkmeyer is definitely worth riding when in home starts, and even favorable road matchups while throwing well, but I wouldn’t trust him long-term. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I knew that without even looking it up because I was at Saturday’s game, as the guest of frequent commenter, royce!. The Padres fans were louder than I expected. At one point, someone spilled their Chablis and someone started yelling, “Aw, that’s just not cool at all. You stained my Izod!” You think Apple would sue if Izod made their I lowercase?
Will Venable – 2-for-4 and his 6th steal and homered on Saturday, his third. So, not quite the encore of last year, but I do think he should be better than he has been, if he’s available in your league.
Danny Salazar – Being recalled to start on Tuesday. It could be just one start while Masterson recovers when being tizzerrible. K-zar’s looked sharp in his last handful of starts in the minors and he gets the Twins on Tuesday, so I’d absolutely take a flyer on him. I would only go one start at a time with him after he crushed dreams earlier this year. Prove your worth, K-zar!
Chris Dickerson – 0-for-1, but homered twice on Saturday, and was platooned out of the lineup on Sunday. Says all you really need to know about Dickerson. Sits vs. lefties, so that’s a right or flight attitude.
Yan Gomes – 2-for-3 and his 13th homer. I’m proud to say no matter how itchy or pus-filled my catcher scab has been, I’ve held Gomes now for about two months. He has 8 homers and a .270 average in almost 200 ABs for my team. Yawn Gomes, amiright? Well, he’s also been the 2nd best catcher in the last 30 days. Shows you that all catchers are boring. Just put someone in your slot and move on.
Torii Hunter – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Whatever high-octaned prunes V-Mart was eating the 1st two months of the season, it seems like Torii is now gumming them.
Austin Jackson – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 9th steal. I told you to buy him in Friday’s Buy. I will now point back to that post and make farting noises with my hand in my armpit.
Drew Smyly – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.80. I wanted to stream him yesterday, but I didn’t and I’m not sure why not. Maybe cause of Drew’s stupid grin.
Brandon Belt – After undergoing concussion tests, he hit the DL. When you return from the DL and go right back to the DL, they call that injury prone. They can be so judgmental.
Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. He bounced around between “He’s not this good” and “He’s not this bad” over the last few seasons, but I can now say unequivocally that he is exactly what he is as he sits with a 3.63 xFIP and a 3.68 ERA.
Henderson Alvarez – Left Saturday’s start in the third inning after being struck on the shin by a comebacker. The comebacker had real zing like it was delivered by Don Rickles. Alvarez should be fine for his next start, but that’s l’esprit d’escalier for that comebacker.
Brad Hand – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. A bit of trivia for you, Hand’s father was the Hamburger Helper, but Brad changed his name to Hand to honor his father while moving past the stigma of being related to a powdered sauce filled with nitrates.
Casey McGehee – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, raising his average to .322. McGehee reinventing himself as a .320 hitter with little power in Japan is almost as unlikely as Billy Corgan being a professional wrestling promoter. Yet, they’re both true. Wasn’t Corgan a waif-like brooder? Now he’s Jimmy “The Mouth of the South” Hart of indie wrestling? Is this the craziest thing you’ve ever heard? Seriously, have you heard anything crazier? It doesn’t count if you work at the DMV. Of course you’ve heard crazier.
Alex Rios – Rolled his ankle on Saturday and could be out until Tuesday. Surprised to hear Rios’s teammate, Geovany Soto, wasn’t the one that rolled his ankle.
Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Rangers, who have Beltre and bupkis, which is essentially like a guy walking around with a belt and no pants. Stroman gets the Red Sox next, and the Stream-o-Nator likes the start, because, while the Red Sox have pants, they’re wearing Skidz.
Dan Robertson – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, hitting over .500 in the last week (though that is in three games. Stupid All-Star break messing up my arbitrary cut-offs with its own arbitrary cut-off). Robertson has been leading off, and hitting recently. He does have speed (think 25 steals in a season) and he did attempt a steal yesterday (was caught). For now, he’s nothing but a hot schmotato (word).
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .266. Now has two steals since June 21st, which is a month to you, me and the Gregorians. Torii Hunter has more steals and he’s 57 years old and has a carved-out leg filled with whiskey for Miggy emergencies or eMiggencies.
Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Has anyone seen him hit a home run this year? Are we sure he just hasn’t upgraded his webmaster skills with box scores?
Munenori Kawasaki – 2-for-5, 1 RBI. When I say he’s done nothing but hit for average in July, I ain’t lying. He has zero steals, zero homers, three RBIs and four runs, but is hitting .333. If you wear a shirt to your drafts that reads, “If you can read this, Mitch (Moreland) fell off,” and already own Scooter, I could see adding Kawasaki, but outside of AL-Only leagues, not much here.
Rubby De La Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks. Hate to rain on people’s Rubby parade of the Roses, but four walks vs. two Ks is not good. His walk rate has been better this year, but he has some lousy control lurking in the closet waiting to jump out like a feral cat.
Mookie Betts – Was optioned to the minors as Shane Victorino (2-for-4, 1 run) was activated. In other words, all Betts are off (our fantasy teams).
Jon Lester – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 2.50. To qualify how much I like him this year, I don’t own him anywhere and Rudy does own him. That’s how much I like him!
Salvador Perez – Sat out with a groin strain. He’s gonna go blind if he keeps straining his groin, the Church says so right here.
Jason Vargas – Could return from his appendectomy this week. Fun fact! Laynce and Jayson Nix have a brother Append.
Yordano Ventura – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, raising his ERA to 3.59. Nope, I didn’t need that at all. Please try better next time. Thank you.
Yasiel Puig – Left Saturday’s game after taking a pitch off his hand, and missed Sunday. He’s day-to-day, but with his antics in the U.S. so far, I’d go as far to say he’s hour-to-hour.
Joe Kelly – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Solid, terrific, adjective, but I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him, and while my mustache alone could bench press 350 lbs., still not a fan.
Joe Mauer – Took some dry swings. Not if there were any Minnesotan women around!
Chris Archer – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.31. Archer has an under 7.9 K/9, 3.5 BB/9 and a 3.75 xFIP. Solid in AL-Only, very borderline for mixed leagues. Didja you know the rallying song for Mexicans in Arizona was Borderline by Madonna? Except they switch out “my love” to “my people.”
Grant Balfour – Prior to the game, Maddon saw Balfour rescue an obese man from a tree, so he let Balfour attempt to save the game yesterday, but he was on the verge of blowing the game with two quick walks and the man was probably nimble enough to get down by himself, so Kirby Yates came in and got the save. Jake McGee pitched the 8th because Maddon wants you to stay on your toes and McGee to do a random act of kindness.
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-2, 1 run and his 3rd steal. Was a hot schmotato prior to the break, and he’s picking up right where he left off. Mean’s while, James Loney (2-for-4, 2 RBIs, 3rd steal) had a good day, because Kiermaier has a way with his L-O-N-E-Y.
Gio Gonzalez – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER. He might take the cake for most random terrible starts in a season. And that is a urinal cake.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th home run. Soon he’s gonna need two hands to tell everyone how many homers he has! Eh, things could be worse, he could be having Bryce Harper’s (1-for-3) season.
Joey Votto – Reds GM Jocketty, who is very short and rides a horse everywhere, said Votto is still at least five weeks away. Votto sounds like he’s going to be back in time to get up to speed for play in the Venezuelan Winter Leagues.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 and his 20th home run. Well, no legs to go with the slam, but I guess we’ll have to settle for Fraztastic rather than Fraz-f**king-tastic.
Hiroki Kuroda – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. That’s a line of a streamer, and the Stream-o-Nator is pretty meh on Kuroda’s next, and I see that meh and will add a bleh.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and 2 steals (26, 27), raising his average to .289. His 7th inning double was aided when the ball was lost in the sun by Billy Hamilton. And you thought I couldn’t find anything negative to say on a 4-for-4 day. P to the fft!
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer. Between innings, Byrd also called Billy Beane, pretending to be a scout, saying, “That Marlon…What’s his name on the Phils…Byrd, yeah, he’s got so many intangibles!”
Grady Sizemore – 2-for-4, hitting .417 on the Phils (in 6 games). Sizemore is now rotating through the outfield, taking playing time from Revere and Brown. Okay, Brown hurt his own value this year, but yesterday Revere sat, and this could start to be a thorn in Revere’s fantasy value.
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. After starting Yordano, Arrieta, Lincecum and Wood yesterday, I’m pretty sure shizz would’ve went pear-shaped if there wasn’t a rain delay, cutting Wood’s day short.
Chris Johnson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Now has four homers in his last five games (broken up by the break; hey, ain’t that appropriate?). Johnson’s not a power hitter by trade — Marlon Byrd, “I can be, if someone needs that!” — but Johnson has been hitting well.
C.J. Cron – Optioned to Triple-A because The Sciosciapath hadn’t illustrated his craziness in over a week, and wanted to make a splash. Cron, who had 9 homers in only 175 ABs, is the one they option down? I need to move on before my ulcer causes acid reflux.
Erick Aybar – Sat out two straight games with a strained groin. He says his groin should be fine soon. TMI!
Kole Calhoun – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 11th homer. He was on a 1-for-12 skid entering yesterday’s game, but he has red hair and you can’t keep down a ginger.
Josh Hamilton – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Someone needs to represent Head & Shoulders shampoo with C.J. on the DL. I wonder if Calhoun will ever be approached by Head & Shoulders. He’d be like the Jackie Robinson of shampoo endorsements. Never before has a ginger endorsed a shampoo!
Kyle Seager – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer as he hit third with Cano out with a sore hamstring. Seager proved that old adage that might not be an adage at all, “If you didn’t sign Cano for $400 million, you probably would have the same record and be fine with Seager batting third.”
Charlie Blackmon – Sat out Sunday after turning his ankle on Saturday. He’s day-to-day, i.e., he’s on Blackmon time.
Troy Tulowitzki – Left Saturday’s game in the first inning and sat out Sunday with leg cramping. As always, he’s day-to-day. If he were a rapper, he’d be 2Lo and his debut album would be “Livin Day 2 Day.” Life in Denver is rocky, but I’m still cocky. Mile high skillz like a mad Jabberwocky.
Josh Rutledge – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, as he filled in at short. I told you Rutledge would be good (18 months ago)!
Starling Marte – Missed Saturday and Sunday after taking a fastball off his melon. The Pirates administered concussion tests: the first question was, would you let Jose Tabata’s wife babysit your kids? Though, he answered correctly with a no, he could still hit the 7-day DL for precautionary reasons.
Neil Walker – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer. I’m pretty sure if his name were Neil Homer, I’d love him. What, we all have our peccadilloes.
Josh Harrison – 2-for-4, 1 run and 2 steals (10, 11). In this game, the Pirates stole four bases off of Michael McKenry (2-for-3, and his 2nd homer). The Rockies played McKenry because they like to give Wilin Rosario five games off between starts.
Kevin Gausman – 4 IP, 5 ER. About the 1000th time I’ve said this, but just look at Kershaw’s rookie year stats.
Stephen Vogt – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Member what I said about 2500 words ago about Gomes? Vogt’s been the fifth best catcher in the last month. Yup.
Jake Arrieta – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER. 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Well, I wanted better, but it wasn’t really that bad of a start when you consider Ks and technically it’s a quality start and, yes, I’m just trying to convince myself.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4 and his 23rd homer. How did I love him this year and not get him in any leagues? This is like Kate Upton never looking at herself naked in the mirror.
Josh Collmenter – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.64. He’s actually not nearly as good a pitcher as Wade Miley, who has a 4.16 ERA, but I don’t really want either without good matchups, so there’s that.
George Springer – Sat out yesterday with a sore quad/knee, so that would make Springer like one of those Slinkys with a straightened coil.
Chris Carter – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. Stole that base like Hurry K’d Carter was running from the cops in Patterson.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Carter’s stealing, Altuve’s homering, what’s next? Singleton not striking out?
Matt Dominguez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer. Seriously, does Dominguez hit a home run on any day but Domingo?
Marwin Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Marwin was hitting a little something-something prior to the break and seems to hawe continued it. Have, sorry, stupid Marwin, messing with my brain. Is there an upside down dyslexia thing where someone flips M’s and W’s? That mould be fun, mouldn’t it?
Zach Putnam – Got two saves in two nights this weekend, but Saturday’s save wasn’t exactly planned. Jake Petricka entered for the save, gave up some baserunners and Putnam came in and got one out for the save. Interesting how Robin Ventura committed to Ronald Belisario like he got him pregnant at 18 and had to marry him, but Putnam does well and Ventura is mum.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 9th steal. Now has a seven-game hitting streak, and with yesterday’s steal, it could finally be clicking that his owners would like some fantasy value too. If he’s out there in your league, I’d absolutely look at him.
Avisail Garcia – Said he could return this year. Right now, he’s taking one-armed swings, and Dr. Richard Kimble suspects him of murder.