The Save Vulture is no ordinary animal. Or Jordanian animal, as my autocorrect wanted me to write. The Save Vulture doesn’t need much sunlight. The Save Vulture doesn’t need water in its purest form; it can distill water from cola, in a process called sodasynthesis. The Save Vulture is strictly a meat eater. It’s even been known to remove vegetables that are in the proximity of meat it plans on devouring. The one thing it considers a vegetable is a potato and that’s in chip form, which it consumes daily. The Save Vulture is not a social animal, but it does have close ties to its mother. Sometimes staying in the nest for 35 to 40 years. Once it leaves the nest, it usually latches onto a partner that nurtures it like a mother would. The Save Vulture doesn’t work much, except six months a year when it’s scrolling through a fantasy waiver wire for potential closers. The Save Vulture’s most active time is the last two weeks of July when closers could change teams, thus making a new reliever a closer. The Save Vulture preys on the weakness of others who lose their closer. This year, one of the most likely targets for The Save Vulture is Ken Giles with Jonathan Papelbon likely being traded. The Save Vulture is also flying over Huston Street, waiting to swoop in on Joaquin Benoit‘s carcass. Do you think The Save Vulture isn’t looking at Neftali Feliz if Joakim Soria is traded? You must be Joakim. Some desperate Save Vultures are talking about Koji Uehara being traded and Edward Mujica taking over. Not to be confused with Huston Street, but Chad Qualls on a Houston St. could go to a contender and Jesse Crain or Tony Sipp or Josh Fields or Jose Veras or Craig Biggio in a bad wig would step in. Could LaTroy Hawkins get moved? You bet your white Blackmon! In that case, Adam Ottavino or Rex Brothers would step in. The Save Vulture is even monitoring Matt Lindstrom‘s rehab, knowing if he’s healthy in the next few weeks, he could take over again. The Save Vulture doesn’t bathe itself, unless you count spilled soda, but it is the most diligent about stealing closers this time of year, I suggest you do the same. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Stephen Vogt – Why do I believe in Stephen Vogt? I…believe…in… You get the picture (or video). Well, he’s got catcher eligibility and he’s hitting .358. No, it won’t continue, but that doesn’t mean you can’t own him. I.e., rock the Vogt!
Chris Carter – I wonder if he dresses up as Nell Carter for Halloween. Nah, probably not. Can he hit 40 homers? Possible. Can he hit .220? The truth is out there, but it seems unlikely. He does have 4 homers in the last week of games, two homers the previous week and not a whole lot else.
Adam Dunn – This is a straight Hitter-Tron call. It loves his matchups vs. the Astros pitchers, and especially loves midnight walks through a junkyard while it’s dripping in motor oil.
Corey Hart – I was looking at the player picture for Hart and I was thinking, “Man, this guy is fugly.” Everyone else should wear sunglasses when viewing Corey Hart. He reminds me of Khalil Greene but a tad less albino-ey. Or a tad more pigmenty, depending on which way you want to think about it. Until he gets hot (which is never if you’re talking about looks), Hart’s just a fill-in corner infidel if you’re struggling.
Omar Infante – Hispanic Baby Omar, as he’s known in his home country, is hitting .435 in the last week. Arismendy he is not. Hey, speaking of which, where’s my main squeeze, Alcantara?
Arismendy Alcantara – Hey, there you are! I missed you. Wanna cuddle? Okay, we can take it slow. You keep stealing bases and hitting homers though and you better wear protection. Not a prophylactic, silly! I meant twelve-foot high brick walls, cause I will go all Daniel Stern in Celtic Pride on you.
Alex Guerrero – Probably still about two weeks away from making an appearance on the Dodgers. I wouldn’t bet too much he gets a full-time job or is 12-team mixed league worthwhile this year. I wouldn’t bet, say, a piece of my ear, for instance.
Nick Ahmed – More of an NL-Only play since he’s been platooning in Arizona with The Gregorius D.I.D, but Gregorius hasn’t done much of anything, so Ahmed could steal more time. In Triple-A, Ahmed had 2 homers and 10 steals in 79 games, so I wouldn’t count on my prayers being answered by lowering my head and saying, “Ahmed.”
Alexi Amarista – EverCab should be back doing bad 90’s pop songs, hitting for a lousy average and stealing bases within two weeks, but, in the mean’s while, Amarista is doing virtually the same thing. No, not virtually like that, you can remove the Oculus Rift headset.
Chase Headley – I don’t like him at all on the Padres, but he could be traded to a contender and have a serious uptick in value. Okay, he’d go from “I don’t like him” to “I kinda sorta a little bit like him.” But it’s still an uptick.
Conor Gillaspie – He didn’t really have a chance to lose his hot schmotatoness since the last Buy column, so he’s still worth a pick-up as we head into the 2nd half, which I like to call, “In another three months, I will see family and friends.” BTW, I booked a trip for November to Colombia, and if anyone’s got any info besides, “Hey, Grey, I got a Fodor’s from 1987,” I’d appreciate it.
David Phelps – “Let’s go to the Stream-o-Nator!” said like George Michael, the one with a Sports Machine, not the George Michael who says “I guess it would be nice, if I could touch your body.” Little did we know he was asking to touch your body in a Port-a-Potty.
Wade Miley – Another Stream-o-Nator fave, this one going on Saturday. I grabbed Miley in one league for this start, but I’d be lying if I said I was completely confident in him. His peripherals do suggest he should be a lot better than he has been, even ownable in most mixed leagues.
Clay Buchholz – Just went over my Clay Buchholz fantasy. I wrote it in A Lighter Shade of Brown.
Jake Odorizzi – His peripherals suggest a guy that should be owned in 95% of ESPN leagues, and he’s owned in 11%. Though 80% of ESPN leagues are owned by a guy that goes simply by the name, The Spork, that hopes to one day have friends to impress with multiple virtual fantasy trophies.
Austin Jackson – Putting aside that he’s hitting .400 in the last week and instead focus on him hitting at the top of the Tigers order. Hehe, your eyes crossed when you focused on that. Better not try to organize some Opti-Grab-inspired class action lawsuit against me.
Jarrod Dyson – He has five steals in the last week, that’s while batting .263. SAGNOF has never looked so faceless and wonderful.
Kevin Kiermaier – Millennials or Generation Yer or Generation You’re Screwed have a shorter attention span than any previous generation, which is perfect for Kiermaier, because he won’t stay hot forever. He is hitting .500 in the last week with a homer and a steal. So, take a second away from your seven-second Vine and grab him.
SELL
Yu Darvish – As I said in the top 100 for the 2nd half, I’m concerned about Darvish because of two bad starts. Two starts isn’t the full picture though. Or pitcher if you’re gettin’ punny on it. He had four poor starts in his last five starts. Starting in Oakland on June 17, here’s his last five starts: 5 IP, 4 ER (vs. A’s); 6 IP, 4 ER (vs. Angels); 8 IP, 0 ER (vs. the Twins); 5 IP, 4 ER (vs. Mets); 6 IP, 6 ER (vs. Astros). Mets and Astros were hitting well going into those games, but Darvish should be able to shut down any team no matter how well they’re hitting. Robbie Grossman and Eric Campbell were the stars of those two games vs. Darvish. In other words, “Gross, man” and “Hey, isn’t that guy a running back for the Oilers?” If Darvish struggles out of the break for two more starts, whispers will start about mechanics or an injury. Once whispers start it’s hard to turn things around, see Season 4 of Lost for further illustration. How much do you think the Rangers are going to push Darvish if he’s struggling? If you answered, not one iota, you’re reading my mind. That’s spooky. Try to read it again. Yes, I was thinking that if I was at one of those conveyor belt sushi places, I’d try to sit next to the skinniest person there. That’s crazy; you’re psychic. Well, then you know already I’m telling you to sell Darvish. I wouldn’t trade him for a book about how to survive menopause or manopause, but I would explore offers.
