Brash Monkeys Those Funky Pale Hose

Dropping 98 MPH 4-seamers, maxing out at 99 MPH, with a bye-bye 82-87 MPH knuckle curve with a 3100 spin rate that has 48-inches of break, followed by “Oh, okay, that was a change, okay, I see what you did there” as the batter swings and misses. Is the answer to, “Are we sure Matt Brash is real?” Oh, he looked very real. Really real. My favorite sequence was right after giving up his first run, he got Tim Anderson on five pitches and only had to throw one fastball, which was taken for a ball. His final line was 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (1 walk), 6 Ks, and, as good as that looks, he looked better. Not convinced there won’t be some roofies here and there. I could see him going against a club with a better feel for his pitches, and just laying off, because there were a few times when I was like, “Has he thrown a strike at all this at-bat?” After seeing him, I can also answer the question, “Would I pick him up?” With a strong affirmative, i.e., the mustache must Brash. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Him homering feels more like a pitcher mistake than anything Eugenio did well. And that’s how you insult Eugenio and Vince Velasquez in one full swoop!

A.J. Pollock – Hit the IL with a strained hamstring. Great, more room in the lineup for Andrew Vaughn! Wait a second, he didn’t start? What kind of Sheets is this? Let’s open a bar right at the end of Tony La Russa’s driveway. Call it Tony’s, and the bar’s TVs only show La Russa highlights. Tony will never leave Tony’s, and the White Sox can manage themselves, starting Andrew Vaughn.

Luis Robert – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (1) and double legs (3, 4). 35/20/.280 incoming and it feels so good!

Luis Patino – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. This could extend Tommy Romero’s leash. So, from 1 2/3 IP to 2 1/3 IP? Did I just smash the Not Like on Cash or Romero? Hard to say.

Ji-Man Choi – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hits third. Hard to take anything serious against the A’s pitcher, Adam Oller, who I believe was working for Lyft a week ago, but maybe Choi is a hot schmotato.

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-5, 3 runs and his 2nd homer. Fantasy sites should allow you to take two homers from B. Lowe or give one to Josh Lowe.

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. This game saw a homer from Lowe and the I R Lowe.

Bryce Elder – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, as he was called up for a spot start. Fun fact! When he gets older, his middle name will become “The.”

Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-6, 3 runs, and his 1st and 2nd homer. Well, at least he’s presumably only hitting baseballs again.

Ozzie Albies – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. This homer was him teeing off on Dee Strange-Gordon, who ironically is the same size as a tee.

Josh Bell – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Bell went ding dong!

Juan Soto – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper got to Elder, and neither of them are old. Zoinks!

Corey Knebel – Hit the Covid-IL without Covid, so Brad Hand could see some Phils saves for a few days, or until June. I can’t get a Hand-le on this. Boom! Roasted! *intern whispers* I see, I’m being told I did not “boom roast” anyone.

Zack Wheeler – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.93, as he threw 65 pitches. The hope, I believe, is at some point soon that number one pitchers will throw for more than five innings.

Taijuan Walker – Hit the IL with shoulder bursitis. Now starting for the New York Mets…Mr. Met!

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Nimmo lost one!

Tylor Megill – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.00. So, Megill throws a solid game and Nimmo homers…What the fish is going on here? I’d grab Megill in all leagues, and Streamonator loves his next start, so hopefully it’s all *looks up* from here.

Cody Bellinger – 0-for-3, 1 run and 2 steals (1, 2). Honestly, if he’s going to hit .150 again, at least chuck in 20 steals.

Yu Darvish – 1 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 10.57. This guy has an ERA of my bedtime. Snooze and Yu lose. I told everyone in the preseason I wouldn’t draft Darvish, so not sure what to do with him now. Try to sell him low? Let him ride it out on your bench?

Luke Voit – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 1st career steal in 1,292 plate appearances. Austin Riley could catch that mark by June!

Alex Cobb – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. Cobb was throwing a 91.8 MPH splitter. His career average fastball velocity was only 91.6 MPH. Instead, he’s now averaging 94.6 MPH on his fastball, and topping out at 96.3. The Giants are cheating, right? I mean, clearly, right? Their humidor has Spider Tack in it? What’s going on up there?

Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. You have to admit it’s a little puzzling that San Fran is only a pitchers’ park now when Giants pitchers are the ones on the hill.

Wilmer Flores – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Him and Joc Pederson homered off Wil Myers. Though, Yu wasn’t much better.

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Streamonator hates his next start, and I say why so mad, Bum?

Christian Walker – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Wonder if Christian Walker ever wanted to just go by “shepherd?” Question for another day, I suppose! Walker looks like he’s a hot schmotato.

Jose Siri – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. “Alexa, play a Siri highlight.” “Sorry, Grey, Siri sucks, no highlights.” Sounds like the robots are warring. Siri’s homer was an absolute towering boom-shot, that has me monocle’ing him.

Cedric Mullins – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Mullins’s homer was a grand slam, and the 119th grand slam hit in the first week of the season. Can’t wait for the offseason exposé about how Rob Manfred switched out the balls every time the bases were loaded.

Nestor Cortes – 4 1/3 IP, 0 ER. Actually am a big fan of Cortes and I’d go back and look at Coolwhip’s Nestor Cortes fantasy.

Aaron Hicks – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. We give a lot of “poor” teams crap for playing guys just because they have bad contracts, but let’s hear it for the Yanks playing Hicks, about three years past his usefulness.

Patrick Sandoval – 4 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks. Believe Manaea is the only pitcher I’ve had on any team who’s pitched more than 5 IP, or at least it’s felt that way. Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot, Jose Quintana! I still like Patrick Sandoval, and can’t wait until Spring Training is over.

Jesus Luzardo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks. Anticipating the city of Miami being underwater in a few years, the Marlins are cornering the market on guys who sound like they can walk on water. Turning water into strikeouts. Turning Gatorade into stranded runners. The Lizard King also threw butter on a piece of hot toast in the spring too. This comes after Luzardo was a top prospect for many years. Oh, yeah, I’m sold. Don’t have tell me twice. Though, it doesn’t hurt if I’m not paying attention the first time.

Jazz Chisholm – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Obviously I’ve had my problems with Chisholm, but they’re mostly coming from how the Marlins seem to view him. Their top three in the order is Soler, Rojas and Cooper. A murderer’s row if I’ve ever seen one, of course, and Chisholm is batting ninth. Think Mattingly might need to put aside his dislike of Jazz — hey, it was one terrible Ken Burns doc, let it go! — and move him up.

Anthony Bender – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, as he took the loss. Hey, good news is he was used in the 9th! That’s not really good news here, is it? Yeah, maybe not.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Can’t believe I scratched off three treasure chests in a row. The ticket says I won a million dollars! Here, I’ll show you, it’s right by this open window–NOOOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. He homered off Da. Lynch, which was appropriate because Pujols needs a Blue Velvet-type oxygen mask to run around the bases.

Salvador Perez – 2-for-4 and his 1st and 2nd homer. Was watching this game and it never stops being amusing to me how big Sal Perez looks next to people. He wasn’t catching yesterday, but when he does, he kneels down and is bigger than a lot of the hitters, and the Royals’ baby blue just makes everyone look like an infant. Wanna start calling, Salvador, The Big Baby.

Tyler Mahle – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.00. Can’t wait until Spring Training is over. Please soon.

Tommy Pham – Left the game after a collision. Dham.

Tyler Naquin – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Elias Sports Bureau said this is the 1st home run by Tyler Naquin on the year. Geez, Elias is getting lazy.

Steven Kwan – 1-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .667. So, I was thinking about Kwan in the preseason, pre-Cooperstown, pre-the renaming the AL MVP award after him, pre-all of it. Back then, Kwan was just a guy who cried when he did something bad. Same, man, same.

Jose Ramirez – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 2nd homer. This is no knock on Jo-Jo-Ram, but know how we should know it’s crazy early? Guardians are easily one of the best offenses, and getting nothing from Franmil and with one of the more hilariously “whatever happened to that guy” bottoms of a lineup.

Andres Gimenez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Kinda guy I’m grabbing now and not waiting for an official “He’s not just hot, he’s actually good” update.

Shane Bieber – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.60. It didn’t catch up to Bieber until the 6th inning. What didn’t catch up to him? Him throwing about as fast as Grienke. Don’t want to panic about velocity early on, but Bieber’s now been way below where he should be, dating back to Spring Training. I’d be a little panicked, tee bee aitch.

Robbie Grossman – Left the game with groin tightness. Grossman.

Garrett Whitlock – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.42, and the win, but he should’ve got the save too. And a steal and home run. Give him everything for that performance.

Jose Quintana – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. You might not have enough pitching in a fantasy league, when you’re like, “Damn, I wish they left in Jose Quintana a little longer, I could’ve used that.”

Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K. Real question that I think I ask every year around this time:  Are vets better in April? Because they’re not tired from the season yet, and they know how to get ready quicker.

Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4, and his 2nd and 3rd homer. “No, I don’t want picture-in-picture. I have that. I just want Seiya Suzuki and Steven Kwan. All the time. Hello, Spectrum? Are you there?”