When you’re hot for two straight weeks, you’re talking in sexy whispers on my earlobes. If Avisail Garcia and Mike Trout are filming a body-switch movie, I never want it to end. For years I’ve remarked — I’m a remarker, yo! — that Avisail looks like Mini Miggy, now he’s actually hitting like him. “Miggy, that is the first time in two years we’ve made love without you screaming your back hurts,” Mrs. Miggy rolls over. Avisail Garcia smiles wickedly at the camera. Yesterday, he homered two more times (3-for-6, 3 runs, 6th and 7th homers), and now has six homers in the last week, and he hit .330 last year. Sure, we can pee in the electrical blanket by talking about his BABIP last year, but there is no excuse for Garcia being on waivers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Daniel Palka – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and also homered twice (8, 9) yesterday, but he hadn’t had a hit in a week, so Palka’s not dotting the I in waivers for me yet.
Anthony DeSclafani – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 5.08. I can’t believe I got suckered into this shart. DeScabface is a giant dung beetle but what does that make me for falling for it? Stupid Grey! *smacks face, weirdly turned on* Ooh, smack me again, big boy.
Scooter Gennett – 1-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .332. Your NL batting average leader, but Albert Almora is right on his tail. Hello, weird times to be living in, say hello to your mother for me.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .305. I’m busy working on my top 100 for the 2nd half that will be posted during the All-Star break, and Suarez is a tough one to rank. Also, literally a tough SOB for breaking his thumb and coming back in ten days, when he could’ve sat on his new contract and waited a month to return. Right now, he’s a top 25 bat on the year, and I get the feeling already he will be underrated even next year.
Christian Yelich – Has missed five straight games with a sore back. He’s got the face of a 14-year-old and the back of an 80-year-old. Are we sure he’s not Benjamin Button?
Eric Thames – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .248. Not sure if this is a compliment or not, but the Brewers are built like an AL team. They desperately need a DH slot. Maybe they can trade for Matt Harvey and be Harvey’s Wallbangers once again. Let’s see, Gorman Thames, Robin Braun and, of course, Jesus Aguilivie.
Junior Guerra – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Not sure what’s more frustrating. Struggling to find pitching or owning Guerra in one league, and watching him sit on waivers in other leagues while struggling to find pitching. Okay, not even sure those are choices, but I’m struggling and not thinking straight.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 4.57. Since he tweaked his delivery, he had ten scoreless innings until Thames’ homer. He gets the O’s next time at home, which is weirdly low on the Stream-o-Nator, but I think I’d stream him anyway.
Sandy Alcantara – Hit the DL with an armpit infection. As Teddy Roosevelt always said, “Speak softly and carry a Speed Stick.”
Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Bummer, sure, but have I mentioned in the last 400 words I started DeSclafani yesterday? A 6 IP, 4 ER is practically a Quality Start nowadays. Plus, Stream-o-Nator likes his next start, and I could see holding tight.
Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.19. Favor to ask, can we turn the humidor up higher?
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. Au Shizz!
Brian McCann – Headed for knee surgery and will miss 4-6 weeks. Yelling, “Yes we McCann,” has taken some recent setbacks. Max Stassi is supposed to fill-in for him, but he left yesterday’s game after taking a pitch off his forearm. The military police can’t get any breaks!
Carlos Correa – Not doing any baseball activity. That sounds promising if he were anything but a baseball player.
Tony Kemp – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .313. What a golden age for Kemps!
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Sounds janky but I am cyclops’ing Reddick.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.12. Yeah, but it against Texas. If Dallas can’t feel at home there, then I mean cmon.
Colby Rasmus – Discontinued his baseball career. Geiger! No mo’!
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-3 and his 11th homer. Avisail is doing otherworldly things right now, but with less pub, Trumbo’s not far behind. Trimpubo? No, that’s awful, let’s pretend that was never said.
Zach Eflin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.97. But he left with a blister. *tears up everything nice* Happy?!
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .313. I’m gonna go ahead and light these fireworks by my window where I’ve hung wool curtains and hope the wind blows outwards. Is outwards a word–NOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .275. So, Chazz Noir didn’t retire after May 4th. I thought so, but you can never be so sure. This was his 4th homer since May 5th. Stinko de Mayo, amiright?
Shohei Ohtani – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Not saying this was strictly a move to get more fans into the stands, but it was a move to get more fans into the stands.
Wade LeBlanc – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.19. His peripherals are saying he’s not quite this good, but all of my leagues use ERA and not xFIP.
Starling Marte – Out of the lineup three days in a row because the Pirates don’t want to tempt fate with him getting injured and them not being able to trade him or alerting anyone of an injury he already has so they can’t trade him. Tomato-tomato said with a different emphasis.
Max Muncy – 3-for-4, and his 19th and 20th homer. And because he’s likely feeling like the middle child after a new baby is born, Chris Taylor homered too. “Hey, honey, look Chris Taylor’s juggling with his feet.” “Meh, Max is spitting up. He’s so cute.”
Joc Pederson – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, hitting .266. In the last few days, Dave Roberts decided Pederson was his leadoff man, and the Dodgers are doing well, so it might stick for a while. Since I own him, this is a time when a goofy manager is working out well for me. The one time.
Enrique Hernandez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Also, in this game, Yasmani Grandal (2-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 12th homer, and whatever the Dodgers are feeding their players, give all my players that.
Kris Bryant – Felt a twinge in his shoulder. Not twinging!
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .247. Jason Heyward (2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .288). On our Player Rater, can you guess who’s higher? Ha, not close. As Dark Helmet would say, you fell for the oldest trick in the book, mon. Schwarber is almost twenty-five spots higher for outfielders — Heyward ~60, Schwarber ~35.
Pedro Strop – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. Morrow should’ve been able to throw yesterday, but Maddon is either trying to reduce his innings, totally forgot about him or Morrow is hurt again. In case it’s the latter, I grabbed Cishek in one league even though Strop is obviously not the wrong answer either.
Josh Donaldson – Could resume hitting this week. Sounds like he’s one step closer to being only a month away from being activated to then re-injuring himself.
Marco Estrada – Topped out at 85 MPH and was promptly removed from the game. He’s injured, or traded to the Mets. Stand by for updates. *holding finger to ear mic* They’re saying it’s an injury. That means he could still be traded to the Mets.
Yangervis Solarte – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .250. Not to totally depress you on this fine ‘Murica day, but Solarte is nearly top ten 2B and 3B on the Player Rater. (Barely top 17 for shortstops; they’re much deeper thus far.)
Lourdes Gurriel – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .225, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. If I remember correctly (and I don’t), he got hot for a few weeks last year (he didn’t; he was just called up for the first time, I’m thinking of a different Gurriel), so this could be a little schmotato.
Yoenis Cespedes – Began running. Mickey Callaway said, “All went really well,” then continued, “Regarding Cespedes. Everything else is awful.”
Devin Mesoraco – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .225. Also, in this game, Wilmer Flores (1-for-4) hit his 7th homer. Topps should do a combo card with these two guys, titled, “Ugly Crying.”
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .254. I said after his last homer a few days ago he is the type to get scolding hot schmotatoey, and I stand by that. Literally, I have a standing desk.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-3 and his 13th homer, hitting .276. If he cools off his current ‘blistering’ 23-homer pace and only hits 21 homers, same as 2016, can we chillax with the launch angle talk on him?
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 26th homer. Just Dong, because what the hell? Shruggy the Emoji.
Brian Johnson – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.23. Actual fun fact! His mom and aunt were the Doublemint Twins. They really chewed up the scenery! *dodges flying tomato* His mom sounds like a nice person, never wanting to pop your bubble. *dodges thrown head of cabbage*
Stephen Strasburg – Threw a bullpen session, which puts him on pace to return right after the All-Star break. Odds he can stay healthy for two months after the break: 12 to 1, which is slightly worse odds than “odds person who drafted Strasburg after I told them not to will take another top starter again next year.” That’s 9 to 1.
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 9 ER, ERA up to 4.60. Damn, Davey Martinez has a slower hook than Keith Richards dressed like Captain Hook.
Matt Chapman – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Every holiday should fall on Wednesday. Double Fridays!”
Mark Canha – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer. He has a hit in ten of his past eleven games (maybe more, but I didn’t feel like clicking “More”), and looks like a light schmotato.
Arodys Vizcaino – Activated from the DL. Minter and Winkler move back to setup until Vizcaino pitches terribly for three straight games and heads back to the DL. I’m only half kidding, shoulder soreness is never good.
Sean Newcomb – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.10 vs. Domingo German – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.37. This matchup was billed as, “Meh, he was in Yankee Stadium so what can you do about Newcomb there vs. What’s your excuse?”
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (22), hitting .249. I love, love, lurve Acuña, but I do prefer Ender at the top of the lineup as he’s been and Acuña in the six hole.
Ozzie Albies – 2-for-5 and his 18th homer, hitting .273. I can’t say his name without busting into Biz Markie’s Albee Square Mall. I got Old School Tourette’s.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .326. Sparkakis!
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .262. You know what’s weird? Ostriches. Yes, Random Italicized Voice, but not where I was headed. What’s weird is I grew up a Yankee fan, surrounded by them, and I don’t remember them being as dopey when I was younger. I know, news flash, the internet amplifies dopey, but you can find Yankee fans who think Aaron Hicks is the 2nd coming of Jesus (Aguilar, Alou, Christ, you name it), but they didn’t know who he was before this year. I guess there’s homers for every sport and every team, but it feels more pronounced with New York, or pronounced Noo Yawk. Any hoo! Aaron Hicks is solid, I told you to buy him two weeks ago, but the 2nd coming? Maybe after a Viagra.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .267. *me watching fireworks today* “It looks like Giancarlo and me spooning.” Cougs, “You say that for every one.”
Kyle Higashioka – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .154. Gary Sanchez who?! He’s the regular Yankees catcher who is injured. Hey, Random Italicized Voice, you get holiday leave from the slanted font factory?
Gleyber Torres – Out with a stiff hip flexor. Fun fact! A stiff hip flexor is a drink often ordered by Ben Gay.