Stay Clase, San Degenerate

Um, uh-oh.

Luis Ortiz https://t.co/AKvRg96R6y pic.twitter.com/Ual0yxr1t0

— Razzball (@Razzball) July 28, 2025

Luis Ortiz out there naming names and unfortunately for Emmanuel Clase you can’t spell names without Emmanuel Clase. So, did Clase look like garbage in April because Draft Kings had a Promo Code, ClaseGarbage? Use it for a free $5 free roll?! Did Clase look awful in last year’s playoffs because FanDuel had a promo, GuardsAin’tWinningThisShizz for a 10$ parlay?! What is going on?! Is the whole team about to get busted and Chris Pratt is gonna be starring in a Guardians of the Parlay film? Is this a 30 for 30 unfolding in front of our eyes? I have questions that need answers! There’s a non-zero chance Emmanuel Clase and Luis Ortiz were roped up into a “throw the pitch into the dirt or you will be murdered” situation but MLB’s investigation will go a mile-wide and one-inch deep and only suspend them. So, while Clase is on leave for investigation purposes (through at least August 31st), I picked up Cade Smith and, boy, did that suck. Smith (1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.20) blew yesterday’s game, so maybe Hunter Gaddis is next up to close games. Also, there’s rumors there’s more Guardians pitchers involved in the 1-800-Gamblers syndicate, so things may still change, especially if the Guards can get back a hot tip in the fifth race. This story was brought to you by the newest casino and resort in Morongo, where the Morons go! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Slade Cecconi – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.77. This was a good matchup, per the Streamonator, a great tool for your betting needs, Guards pitchers!

Warming Bernabel – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Take him out, Warming Bernabel is already hot!

Hunter Goodman – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .282. Unless you’re Warren Jolly Schaeffer, you can move on to the next blurb. Okay, Warren, ya there? Great. Now play Tovar every day and stop playing Arcia. He sucks! Play Goodman and Doyle every day too. Thank you.

Adley Rutschman – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as he was activated from the IL. O’s DFA’d Jacob Stallings, but kept Alex Jackson and Gary Sanchez, which feels like a Sophie’s Choice if you don’t like any of your kids.

Felix Bautista – Mansolino said Felix would be out a while. No one said who Mansolino is. Dominguez is still the closer, until he’s traded.

Ramon Laureano – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .279. Couldn’t believe I was able to acquire Laureano this week in FAAB. He’s been better than Gunnar! (Barely complimentary, but still.)

Cedric Mullins – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Ball was flying out in Balty-more yestereday. Further proof: Hellman’s son, Hell Boy, Coby Mayo (3-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer and Colton Cowser (1-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 9th homer.

Zach Eflin – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.93 vs. Chris Bassitt – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.24. Bad week to quit sniffing glue.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Get your toothpick out of Cake Batter; he ain’t done!

Nathan Lukes – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, 3rd homer in a week, and hitting leadoff. Hot schmotato alert!

George Springer – Took a pitch off the helmet, but walked off the field, while saying he was Mary Magdalene. He’ll be checked for a concussion, and might miss a week.

Bo Bichette – 4-for-5 and was 9-for-9, but making an out in the 9th. BDon is boiling mad.

Jacob deGrom – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.55. His worst start of his career! Kidding. I think. Maybe I’m not.

Josh Jung – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting around .400 in July, though that is in just over a week of games. It’s been since he was recalled from the minors. He’s back, baby!

Taylor Ward – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer, hitting .232. Taylor went H.A.M.!

Luis Rengifo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. He has fewer steals on the year than homers and more caught stealings. Rengifo is the only guy to see the Pitch Clock as a timer on a bomb.

Kevin Newman – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He homered off deGrom, which is genuinely hilarious. Newman must’ve been reading the Eckstein Files. [Cancel Police break down door] Eckstein! As in David! Ow! My arm! You’re twisting it!

Yordan Alvarez – Ramping up activities, after the Astros poked him with a stick.

Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Betcha Framber’s going to be a relative bargain again in next year’s drafts. Guaranteed!

Brad Lord – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Underlying numbers (7.1 K/9, 2.9 BB/9, 3.71 xFIP) read like an exact match for a Streamonator call. In the year of our Brad Lord.

Danny Jansen – Traded to the Brewers. This trade deadline so far has been, “Doesn’t work, but won’t cost a lot to try to fix.” Jansen will backup Contreras.

Jacob Misiorowski – 4 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, 80 pitches, ERA at 2.70. Brewers’ manager Pat Murphy was seen struggling to tie his sneakers because he was wearing the kid gloves he was using for Miz.

Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer. Mister Christian, oh, the time has come…

Andrew Vaughn – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer. I’m sure it’s 100% legit how Vaughn became otherworldly when he was traded and not at all the Brewers cheating. Call him Brewery Bonds.

Sal Frelick – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .296. Went to the Player Rater expecting Frelick to be higher and was met with a guy around 100th overall. He’s felt better than that.

Matthew Boyd – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.47. Eff you, Regression Fairies! I hate you!

Cam Schlittler – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.91. What kind of pitches can Amed Rosario throw?

Junior Caminero – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. If he gets to 40 homers, where does he go in next year’s drafts? Top 15?

Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.96. Yeah, and next time he throws 4 IP. I don’t know what to tell you, but you can’t trust him.

Nick Fortes – Traded to the Rays. Don’t try to figure it out further, the Rays going from Jansen to Fortes is merely a money thing. Rays are “not good but controllable” lovers. Sorta like that ex you had.

Chase Burns – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 6.26. The stuff is overwhelming gorgeous. He could be better than Misiorowski, and has been unlucky.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.48. His last three starts with a 0.95 ERA. Thank you or as they say in Japan. Domo arrigato, Mr. Yamamoto.

Blake Treinen – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, ERA at 4.15, as this was an attempt for a save. Emphasis on attempt. Don’t worry, the Dodgers are going to add Helsley or someone else in the next few days. If you’re speculating, Vesia (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.47) looked solid and Jack Dreyer (1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.91) recorded the save.

Carlos Carrasco – Braves acquired him. In the past two days, Braves add Erick Fedde and Carlos Carrasco ahead of the deadline. Unfortunately, it’s not the 2014 deadline.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Tildaddy says the car needs a wash!

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. It’s so freakin’ funny that Acuña has the same number of homers as Ozuna. It’s also sad he has more than Gunnar Henderson.

Austin Riley – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer. Don’t even roster Riley anywhere and I feel like he owes me more.

Spencer Strider – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.71. It’s pretty crazy that Strider at about 40 percent is better than most pitchers at 100 percent.

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer. Wow, already paying dividends for his new team, allowing them to only lose by three runs.

Kris Bubic – Out for the year with a rotator cuff. Gotta watch when you scratch that Bubic.

Rich Hill – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.00. Before the game, Rich Hill recounted some stories that didn’t involve him as he accidentally mashed his life into Matlock’s, falling asleep during it last night.

Richard Fitts – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.83. Here, Dick Fitts follows Dick Mountain as the retelling of The Bible goes horribly wrong.

Alex Bregman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Get insanely hot, Bregman. Please.

Jordan Hicks – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.27, as he blew his 1st save. Okay, so he was the Red Sox interim closer, but he sucks. Heard and noted! Cora said Whitlock is under the weather and Aroldis could be back in two days. So, Hicks isn’t worth the spec add.

Dylan Cease – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.79. Hey, one love, but he’s completely useless. Should’ve dropped him four months ago by accident but now you should with intention.

Mark Vientos – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, and had another home run robbed by Tatis. That’s right, Cease was supposed to give up more runs! Any hoo! Great sign for Vientos, and a sort-two-homer night takes him to immediate add.

Ronny Mauricio – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Frankie Montas – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.46. This was a terrible matchup, but it wouldn’t have hurt to not be completely awful.

Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.19. It’s gonna be a miserable time next year when I’m finally back in on Castillo and he finally sucks.

Josh Naylor – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (12) and legs (15), hitting .294. It’s pretty nuts how many steals he has. He’s legitimately slow. Like “dookie-in-the-diaper-you-only-run-fast-going-to-the-potty” slow.

Colson Montgomery – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 4th homer of the 2nd half. I added him in two leagues this past weekend if it makes you feel better about adding a White Sox player.

Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. This home run was off Cristopher Sanchez (6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.55), which is going to make for awkwardness in four days when Robert’s on the Phils.

Carson Whisenhunt – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks as he was called up. His command was a mess in the minors, then someone must’ve got to him and said, “Control ya shizz, it doesn’t matter if you strike out guys anymore,” and that’s how his stats looks now. From sexy to bleh, and still unable to shut people down.

Nick Gonzales – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .254. Grabbed him in one league because of the Hitter-Tron. Thanks, you horny robot! Andrew McCutchen (1-for-5, 2 RBIs, 10th homer) was a guy I picked up too because of the Hitter-Tron. Okay, fair enough, it’s mostly because the Pirates are in Coors later this week.

Ivan Herrera – 0-for-3 as he started in the outfield. Anything that gets this guy some eligibility is an el eff gee.

Andre Pallante – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.62. Scouts from other teams were in attendance to see Edward Cabrera (6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.35) pitch and Pallante was the annoying friend who has to make it all about him.

Alec Burleson – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in two games, hitting .289. Saying preseason sleeper, Alec Burleson, and not having tomatoes thrown at my head.

Eugenio Suarez – Hit on the hand and left the game, but supposedly he’s fine. DBacks’ GM googling, “Can an MLB team trade a one-armed man to an off-Broadway production of The Fugitive?”

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.63. DBacks’ GM googling, “Could a MLB team finish out August and September with only their 2nd baseman?”

Dillon Dingler – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Dressed as a poop emoji in the back row of the upper deck, “That’s why we are Dingler’s Dingers,” repeat that three times, takes poop emoji head off to breathe.

Troy Melton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Okay, monocle time! He had stunningly good numbers in the minors (12+ K/9, 2.4 BB/9, and a 2.64 xFIP in 75 1/3 IP). Makes no sense to bump him from the rotation, even with Paddack coming in, and he looks like he could be a solid pickup for 15-team mixed leagues and deeper. Prolly Streamonator still in 12-teamers, but continue to monocle.

Chris Paddack – Traded to the Tigers with Randy Dobnak. Nice of the Twins to provide transportation. Detroit Tigers have welcomed their biggest challenge thus far. Bigger than Casey Mize! Bigger than Jack Flaherty! Bigger than even Matt Manning! A guy who was good six years ago and seemingly lost it overnight. Last year, Paddack had an ERA of 4.99. Woof! But don’t worry! It’s better this year! It’s 4.95.

Reese Olson – Out for the rest of the year with a shoulder strain. Papa Roach singing, “Cut my starter Reese’s, Chris Paddack’s my last resort…”