Gallen and MadBum Leave Braves Dizzy and Daffy

Congrats to Madison Bumgarner on his no-hitter (7 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.31) that isn’t counted by MLB because MLB doesn’t think 7-inning games are real things after making 7-inning games a real thing. MLB where logic goes to die, then Rob Manfred comes along, picks up logic, and chucks it into the garbage. The real story yesterday might have been the Braves who managed one hit in 14 innings. Yo, can I get a woof? In the 1st game daffy’ing the Braves was Zac Gallen (7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.16) as he threw a complete game shutout, which I guess gets an asterisk, too. MLB, embarrassing asterisks since 1961. Gallen should get a hairline fracture in his forearm more often. Maybe shave his other arm’s hair into a hairline too. Can you have too many hairlines? Can he shave hairlines into his legs too? What order on a waxing menu is “shaving a hairline into one’s leg?” A Brazilian nut? A Nice, but pronounced like the city in France, so it sounds like knees? Does the waxing menu have legs options? Someone who grooms their legs, let me know. Gallen is doing exactly what he does every year — 10.5-ish K/9, goofy command, and a 2-ish ERA. Pretty impressive how a hairline fracture in his arm didn’t slow him one bit, but it’s sidelining Cody Bellinger for weeks. Cool, fun stuff that isn’t causing me to have an ulcer at all. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Eduardo Escobar – 3-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .241. For those asking if they should drop Escobar, here’s a quick and dirty way to answer that question:  If a guy is leading the majors in homers, you shouldn’t drop him.

Bryse Wilson – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.00. Not sure why I keep falling for Bryse Wilson, but here I am, falling through space like I’m in a bad dream and Bryse is falling next to me and we’re holding hands. What a weird dream. Or. Dot dot dot. Is this the dream? Ya know, it’s important to make note of your blind spots, but it’s also important to stop walking right into the wall because of your blind spot. That second part is the hard part.

Drew Smyly – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.20, as he was activated from the IL. Can he go back on the IL? Is it too late for that?

Michael Kopech – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.72. He’s so electric. Michael Kopelectrich? Is that a thing? Did I invent a thing? Hey, Thomas Alva and Tesla, get yo shizz and get out of here, Grey’s inventing shizz now! His peripherals: 15.5 K/9, 2.3 BB/9, 1.24 FIP. I just put a handkerchief to my forehead and fainted. Would you be a darling and help me up? *a group of a dozen men help me up, sees Kopech’s numbers a 2nd time* I need to sit down again. Please, just grab Kopech in all leagues.

Lucas Giolito – Start was pushed back to Tuesday, due to a cut on his finger. Giolito injured himself on a glass water bottle. If he would’ve had a plastic bottle, he’d be fine. In other words, Greta Thunberg injured Giolito.

Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .225. Run back the Mickey Mouse MVP! Or Mmmvp, for short.

Kohei Arihara – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.03. Weird, the first four starts of a player’s career don’t finalize exactly who he’ll be for every start? Shucks. Well, don’t tell Tuffy Rhodes.

Christian Yelich – Went back to Milwaukee for an MRI on his back, because the M stands for Milwaukee, and the MRI revealed nothing new. I’m such an optimistic person by nature, I wanted to believe Yelich would be okay, but my faults lie in being too glass-of-water-is-half-full-erly. Related, but not the same as tomfoolery. Think at this point, I’d hold Yelich and not sell or buy him low, and I’m not nearly as optimistic.

Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.55. Gave up his first barrel of the season, the last starter to do so. Makes sense the one pitcher being the most precious with a barrel is a guy named Woodruff who is a Brewer. Kinda like Luis Castillo being on the Reds and giving out hits to everyone because of Communism.

Corey Knebel – Hit the IL with a lat injury. Dave Roberts said it would be a few months before he returned. That’s why they call him Evil Knebel. The Evil is short for him getting Every IL stint.

Dustin May – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.53. I didn’t watch this game, so I could watch the Oscars, and, wow, was that historically bad. They rearranged the awards so they could posthumously give the Best Actor to Chadwick Boseman, but he got snubbed and the winner didn’t even show up for the Zoom call. Damn, I should’ve watched the Dodgers/Padres.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-4, 3 runs, and a slam (7) and double legs (3, 4); this was his 5th homer this weekend. Shoulder’s feeling all right, aight? Maybe. I mention this on the podcast this week, but I do think it’s easier on the shoulder when Tatis makes contact vs. misses wildly. I don’t want to be a bummer here, but I don’t think he’s out of the woods.

John Gant – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Rather than make you a nice piece of cod, I’m gonna let you fish, and give you the parchment paper, lemon wedges and let you become Barefoot Contessa on Greek night by giving you two numbers. Gant has an ERA of 2.25 and a walk rate of 5.9. Whatcha think, Barefoot Contessa Gone Fishin’? He can keep it up?

Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-3 and his 2nd and 3rd homer, hitting .171. First productive day for O’Neill since he was called up four years ago. Okay, small exaggeration, but very small. Will be monocle’ing, though, because the 30+ homer power is still in there somewhere.

Luis Castillo – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.29. Sadly, it’s much worse than that. He might be hurt. Oh, it’s undiagnosed as of this time, but I imagine there will be an Ineffective List stint in his future, and he’s completely unstartable in all leagues. His peripherals: 7 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 5.31 FIP, and fastball velocity down two miles per hour. Yeah, that’s hiding an injury, or something is deeply flawed with his mechanics.

Jesse Winker – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .381. Winker? I barely know her! He now has three homers in four games, and stay hot until you inevitably get injured again.

George Springer – Could be activated for Tuesday’s series premiere with the Nats. Springer’s feeling good, thinks he can stay healthy for two weeks until his next injury. Fingers crossed!

Jordan Romano – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.91, as he returned from the IL and entered the 8th and had diminished velocity. Crazy that a guy with elbow neuritis isn’t fine after ten days. They should let one lucky fan be the team doctor for some of these teams. “You can have a lollipop and a 60-day IL stint.” That’s me being a team doctor. Pick up Rafael Dolis (1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2nd save on Sunday, ERA at 3.48).

Hyun-Jin Ryu – Left yesterday’s game with a strained right glute. What a pain in the ass.

Maikel Franco – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. When Maikel Franco’s agent/manager/husband was reached comment, Donkey Teeth said, “We’re very happy.”

Austin Hays – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. He had two hits the game before, and there’s no sign here he’s a hot schmotato, but I’m trying, and two homers in a game goes a long way to a schmotato run.

John Means – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.50. If you see any fantasy baseball ‘perts talking about Means breaking out, can you please ask them why they didn’t tell you about it prior to the season like Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate), when it was actionable advice?

Ramon Laureano – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer to go with his eight steals. No one wants to talk about how I gave you a Ramon Laureano sleeper too, but I will, just to keep you honest.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Got super scared after he started slow, but he now has two straight solid starts, and the Streamonator loves his next one, for good reason.

Patrick Corbin – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 11.02. Dude looks dusted, if dusted means what I’m thinking it means. Done, adios, toast, not avocado. Not sure what happened, but he looks like the same thing that happened recently with Bumgarner: Old. Of course, like with Bumgarner, he can come out of it for stretches, but, in most mixed leagues, it’s time to move on.

Taijuan Walker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.14. Not to take anything away from Taijuan, because I give, never take, but he didn’t look nearly as good as his final line. Still, a 2.14 ERA plays, nah’mean?

J.D. Davis – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He was in Friday’s Buy, because, of course, he was, and no one wants Jonathan Davis Davis. Buncha Davis Davis hating haters.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Albombso!

Kevin Gausman – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.14. If you don’t have Gausman in your league after I drafted him everywhere, and wrote sleeper posts — yes, plural — then that’s on you.

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.03. You will be fine starting every Giants pitcher at home. Does that make me an Oracle? P to the erhaps.

Jesus Aguilar – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Jon Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.54. Almost feel like even talking about this guy will ruin what I have going by picking him up a few weeks ago. Keep Gray’s name out yo’ mouth!

C.J. Cron – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .266. Curtis Jackson hit enough for Many Men, Many Men.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-4 and his 5th and 6th homer, hitting .338. Also, in this game, Trevor Story (2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer this weekend. Here comes Grey’s hitters, let’s effin’ go! LEG!

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .323. What if the Twins were to play a fourteen-thousand inning game that went on for eight years, would Nelson Cruz retire in the middle of a game? Makes you think, huh?

Gregory Polanco – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .213. Polanco feels like he’s from a bygone Pirates era. The Starling Marte/Tyler Glasnow era, when the Pirates had promise, but were still a terrible team. In some ways, Polanco is a bridge, the Bridge of Sighs.

Franmil Reyes – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (1), hitting .286. Franmil also had a triple in this game, his 2nd triple vs. the Yanks. What if Franmil unlocked some super secret cheat code where he could play in fast motion? Like the credits during The Benny Hill Show. *thinks for a moment* The Franny Mil Show. *mind explodes*

Triston McKenzie – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.32 vs. Jameson Taillon – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.23. This matchup was billed as Sticks ‘n Stone. Also, I haven’t seen any reason for either of these guys to remain on any of my shallower teams.

Mike Ford – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Was surprised to see his mustache didn’t cause his home run to get counted twice. MLB changes the rules every week, but they can’t add in an extra point for mustaches? Dubya tee eff.

Gio Urshela – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .250. Not the greatest start for Urshela, and he’s the third best Yankees hitter on the Player Rater, just ahead of DJ LeMahieu. Ha, what a mess.

Chris Flexen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.74. Okay, we’re deep enough into the shebang to see how Chris be Flexen. With a 80% LOB and .362 BABIP? What a weird Flexen but okay. His command is stellar (2.00 BB/9), and mainly getting by with a slide-piece and cutter, because his fastball is garbage, which he appears to know, because he only throw it 33% of the time. I’m less than impressed, but the Streamonator loves his next start, so I’d go one start at a time for now.

Brady Singer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.95. Before you ask if I like Brady Singer, at least brush up on the fact I told you to draft him because I liked him. Do you think I like him less when he has a 2.95 ERA after a month? Seriously, does that track?

Hunter Dozier – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .130. No wonder all my teams are sucking on the dong of misery. “Yo, Grey, do you have anyone that is hitting .300?” No, I don’t Inner Monologue, also eff off.

Matthew Boyd – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.82. What’s kind of funny in an unfunny way, for Boyd to become a usable fantasy starter, he’s had to abandon everything that made him an extremely sexy, unreliable fantasy starter. He’s not getting Ks anymore, but he’s also not giving up home runs every inning. So, he’s now a usable number four to five fantasy starter, without the allusion that he can be an ace.

Yuli Gurriel – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in his last four games. This is the kind of guy who can get smoldering, so if he’s available, grab him. Smoldering schmotato alert!

Jake Odorizzi – Was pulled after one out on Saturday with forearm tightness, and his velocity was down to 87 MPH, which wouldn’t win a SpongeBob at the Show Me State Carnival. Show Me don’t play!

Kent Emanuel – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, as he was activated from an 80-game suspension, and sent a message to the MLB by wearing the number zero. Having people say, “Hey, who’s the zero?” May not be the message he thinks it is. The Astros may just go with Kent Emanuel in Odorizzi’s spot, since he pitched so well. His minor league numbers say this was more of an aberration than the norm, but I tried to grab him in an AL-Only, because no arm too foul.

Griffin Canning – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 8.40. That was fun. Maybe, I don’t know, it wasn’t a great idea to have him relieve Ohtani a few days prior. Just wild speculation here.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-2, 1run and his 4th homer on Saturday, which was the 666th of his career. That makes Pujols officially Satan’s butthole. Also, the AL West’s standings (A’s, S, H, A, T) on the day this happened, spelled out Asshat. Coincidence? Please.