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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH OR $13/MONTH WITH AN EXTRA WEEKLY PODCAST.)

Kinda just want to quote all the delicious bits of tid I wrote in my Alex Kirilloff fantasy this offseason. Can I do that? It’s so good! Okay, here’s a few quick quotes, “Alex Kirilloff caught fire… in a Hot Girl Summer…in case you didn’t hear…I’m a…guy.” Hmm, those quote pulls aren’t so great. Will work on my ability to pull quotes in the future. So, go there and read that post if you want to know about Kirilloff. Nothing’s changed, except now I think he will be up today vs. early June, as I thought back in November. Actually, I think it, because it’s a fact. With Sano hitting the IL with “in not the greatest of shape,” Kirilloff was called up. So, let’s talk serious facts and stop jibber-jabbering on the yimmer-yammering, Alex Kirilloff could be Alex Verdugo from the moment he’s called up until the end of the season. Today, it’s all Alex talk. “Alexa, who’s more all Alex than other Alexes?” “I’m sorry, Grey, but that’s just nonsense.” “Okay, Alexa, can you tell me if they make spanx for men, maybe Manx?” “I’m sorry, Grey, but I quit.” Wow, this AI sucks. The Twins were playing arbitration games with Kirilloff, pretending Jake Cave was an outfielder, when he sounds like an off-brand Marvel character, but now that Kirilloff is up, he is a grab in all leagues. By the way, Arbitration Games was a great Backstreet Boys song. “Quit playin’ arbitration games with my heart…my heart.” Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Carson Kelly – He might be the best hitter currently in the Dbags’ lineup. “No small feat!” Which is also what my mom screams at anyone with feet smaller than a size nine. Small feet scare her. On our 7-day Player Rater, yes, we have one of those too, Kelly has been great, and looks underowned. Let’s hear it from the dawg pound for Carsenio Kelly!

Colin Moran – The past tense of moron is Moran, and, if you haven’t added him yet, it’s way past tense.

Joey Votto – Wow, what a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Did you pick those yourself? *little girl points to Votto with outstretched arms, stalking towards them* ZOMBINO!

Travis Shaw – Serious question: If I take my Travis Shaw MVP futures ticket to the Bellagio sportsbook, can I reclaim it now? We are technically after the assigned date.

Luis Urias – Always have been more charged up about Urias than I think he even might be, but there was a time when people thought he was a .300 hitter. Ha, I know, what are those people doing now? I know! Trying to cash two-year-old MVP future bets!

Andy Young – If you don’t have a straw hanging out of your mouth, is your name really Andy? I’d say no. In this Ted Talk, I will compare the rise of the name Andy and the production of hay–Oh, sorry, preparing for my talk at the Javits. Young has been hot, which sounds like every aging starlet.

J.D. Davis – Jonathan Davis Davis is is rosterable rosterable in in all all leagues leagues. Dur dur.

Ehire Adrianza – Was looking at the hottest hitters of the last week, and I saw this third-rate LinkedIn website masquerading as a Buy, and I thought, “Would I dare recommend Ehire to everyone, and not simply the unemployed?” Here I am, daring you.

Miguel Rojas – Ya know what we thought we might be getting from Nick Madrigal? So far, we’ve been getting it from Mike Red.

Avisail Garcia – If I didn’t want to make people horny in the nethers for a rookie, I likely would’ve made this week’s lede Avisail. Maybe if people fail to pick hm up this week, I’ll make him next week’s lede and crack about Prince Fielder’s wife and him. Garcia has a .314 xBA, 58% HardHit%, and is being as good as everyone thought he could’ve been three to five years ago, except Prince’s wife; she knew.

Jarred Kelenic – Already gave you my Jarred Kelenic fantasy. It was written without knowing the German word for “when you order delivery and the food container shows up turned upside down.” Is it called, Ubermess?

Jordan Luplow – Have you seen The Last Dance? There was one about Jordan Luplow too. It’s called The Last Week.

Manuel Margot – He looks like 50 Cent, and Eminem helped break Fiddy, and Manuel Margot’s initials are MM. Okay, that’s not a coincidence.

Adolis Garcia – This guy might not be anything, but, and this is a Bartolo-sized but, what, and hear me out here, if he is something? Here’s what I said last week, “I was impressed with his power (on his homer), but wasn’t sure about him, so went to look at his minor league numbers and my eyes did a little bulge out of their sockets. In his (and everyone’s) last year of Triple-A in 2019, he went 32/14/.253. Obviously, there’s an issue with contact, and he projects around a 35% strikeout rate, but power/speed guy in a lineup that needs anything plays.” And that’s me quoting me!

MacKenzie Gore – I don’t understand the push on Lamet for his own health reasons. His arm, you ding dongs, his arm! But, and here’s a but where I get further infuriated, I’d understand Lamet being pushed a bit more if there wasn’t MacKenzie Gore, one of the top arms in all of the minors, waiting for his chance. The Braves consistently throw ‘rookie arm water’ at fire, while the Padres are seeing if Ryan can Weathers the storm.

Logan Gilbert – He could be a top 25 starter from May through August. Not saying he will be, but for the lottery ticket you should be holding him.

Bryse Wilson – There might be something here for deeper leagues, but this is a Streamonator call. Like the call it makes to the Butterball turkey hotline.

Brady Singer – This is also a Streamonator call. “I’m a robot, so I won’t be eating the turkey, I just was going to cook it, so it’s warm when I hug it.” Streamonator is lonely!

Jose Alvarado – Not sure how much longer the Phils will continue to let Hector Neris ruin their season. Also, consider this a Jordan Hicks side-eyed wink with a nod towards Alex Reyes.

Jordan Romano – Ya know the Hamilton song, My Shot? I’m not throwin’ away my shot…Repeat, rinse, revolution. Yeah, it’s like that for closers, but in the inverse. Guys immediately throw away their shot. Or have their shot taken from them. Did Dolis ever get his shot? Will Romano? Where’s Merryweather? Will Yates return before the Jays settle on someone else? I got questions, y’all!

Kendall Graveman – Fun fact! Kendall Graveman is a dad who helps bury his daughter’s dolls in the backyard. Wait, do people bury dolls? They should. Help keep it realistic. It being death. Any hoo! Graveman is likely the closer, but it’s at best 70/30 with Montero.

Lucas Sims – Is Amir Garrett still the closer? How about now? Now? After one of these times asking, he’s no longer going to be. Not sure if Sims is the answer, but I know Garrett isn’t either.

Jake Diekman – Lou Trivino sounds like someone a sexist sitcom boss hires sight-unseen only to realize Lou Trivino is actually a woman and played by Cybil Shepherd or Candice Bergen. Then when Lou comes into the boss’s office, he groans and Archie Bunker-ly says, “I hired a Diekman.” This closer picture/pitcher is a timeshare, I believe, but the A’s should have a lot of chances, so it’s worth speculating. I’m holding Diekman, and would do same with Trivino.

SELL

Tyler Glasnow – First, allow me to show an image, and before reading any further, try to think what this image is listing:

Any guesses what that list is? If you’re answered, MLB pitchers, you’re not even right about that, because Jeff Sam*!@^&^$*!ija makes that wrong. Okay, give up? That’s the list of the top starters through the end of April, 2019: Ya know, the last time we had April baseball. I’ll save you the brain power. These guys weren’t the best 20 starters by the time we got around to October. By the way, I did a Twitter search of all the fantasy baseball ‘perts taking victory laps in April of 2019 for Caleb Smith and it was legion. See, boys and five girls, baseball doesn’t end with April. I know, crazy. I see people taking victory laps for completing a 5K when we’re running a marathon. Tyler Glasnow was “breaking out” in April of 2019, but, friend with short term memory, he did not break out. I’m not saying sell him for a movie ticket seat directly behind Dikembe Mutombo, but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.