Sorry, but first I must purge myself of all Yu song references.  If you don’t like that, Yu Can’t Always Get What Yu Want, but, if Yu try, Yu might get what Yu need, because all Yu Need Is Love, and I Wish Yu Were Here.  Yu Give Love A Bad Name, but I’m gonna Run to Yu.  Even if Rick rolled, I’m Never Gonna Give Yu Up, and shut don’t go up, but Yu do. Yu Take My Breath Away when Yu pitch well, but Yu Never Give Me Your Money, which makes sense since Yu Don’t Know Me.  Without or Without Yu Yu (stutterer!) can put together a solid rotation, but Yu Light Up My Life when it’s the Best of Yu. Have I Told Yu Lately he needed to cut down on his walks? Yesterday, he went 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks (zero walks!), ERA at 5.14, and I Know What Yu Did Last Summer (disambiguation: song), but what about now? Don’t Yu (Forget About Me).  Did the Rangers closer, Chris Martin, Fix Yu? Remains doubtful, but no walks is Arthur’s Theme (Best Yu Can Do).  Any hoo!  Yu Darvish might’ve been dealing with a mechanics issue, and maybe now that’s fixed.  He does have a near-12 K/9, the only bugaboo is his 7+ BB/9, but if he can tame that he immediately shoots to at least a number two, and stops plopping out number twos.  Do Yu Understand (ft Tory Lanez & Gunna).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and nearly had a 2nd homer.  If the game would’ve ended before Schwarber hit his home run, I would’ve told you he was crazy due for a home run.  Now, I imagine he’ll hit another three homers in five games.  His line doesn’t show it, but Schwarber was on every pitch.  Then again, Maddon might just randomly bench him for a week.

Addison Russell – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  The fan, who caught the ball, threw it back and was banned from Wrigley for life by Theo.  Then, Theo was reminded, the Cubs were in Cincy.  So Theo just banned someone who was playing Ring Around The Rosy because of its origins dating back to the Great Plague.

Albert Almora Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer.  Parallel Universe Almora is on the Angels and has 11 homers.

Jose Iglesias – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .295.  Fun fact!  Jose Peraza changed his last name to Iglesias.  Right?  Tell me that’s what happened.  C’mon.

Chris Archer – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.58, as he was activated from the IL.  Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I figured for Casual Fridays it was fine to dress in Winnie the Pooh cosplay. My apologies if I misread the rules.”

Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .293.  This is interesting (to me).  On our Player Rater, you see Escobar is around the 12th best 3rd baseman, but he’s dramatically worse per game.  That’s the essence of Escobar.  Not flashy, but, because he plays every day, he accumulates value.

Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .276.  Because I was looking at the Player Rater for the previous blurb, Jones is around the 35th best outfielder.  Another interesting thing (to me) is looking at the top 40 outfielders who aren’t owned in 100% of leagues:  Pence, Ad. Jones, Avisail–Well, you can look if you’re interested.

Taijuan Walker – Will have an MRI on his shoulder, which is totally normal for a guy rehabbing from Tommy John surgery.  Sounds like Dr. James Andrews wasn’t being paid fast enough.

Zack Greinke – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.78, but left with abdominal tightness.  Greinke also stole a base in this game, and has same number of steals as Jose Altuve.  *insert Michael Scott grimacing GIF*

David Peralta – Left yesterday’s game with trap tightness. Just needs to listen to some Migos and it’ll loosen up.

Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th and 11th steal, hitting .290.  In one league, I’ve gained six points in steals from having Dyson, The Chicken Man.

Elvis Andrus – Hit the 10-day IL.  Don’t want to say I jinxed him, but I accidentally wrote his last name Enderus, and that was his demise.

Willie Calhoun – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he was recalled from the minors.  Calhoun being called up is like the team with the most losses in the NBA getting 1st pick.  He’s failed after so many promotions to the majors, that he keeps getting another envelope in the giant drum.  “This envelope is freezing cold and boiling hot, guess I’ll open it…Willie Calhoun!”  Cut to:  Willie Calhoun holding a jar of Icy/Hot.  I guess he’s okay for a flyer, but he has no position and figures not to play every day.

Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .288.  The other day in what seemed like some divine inspiration, Rudy texted me that he figured out the best nickname for Shin-Soo Choo:  Seoul Train.

Ronald Guzman – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  I still think he can get into 30 homers, and I mean that in a way that 30 homers means something and not like just something Tommy La Stella can do.

Adalberto Mondesi – 3-for-3, 1 RBI and two steals (14, 15), hitting .281.  Whatever, he’s only on pace for a 20/60 season.  Meh.  Not great, I guess.  Oh, and he’s on pace for 120 RBIs, but, ya know, my preseason projection for his RBIs was way too high.  Silly high, really.  Live and learn, I suppose.

Kenta Maeda – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.51. And just like that Maeda is now the fantasy number three we owned the whole time. About time!

Matt Strahm – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.07.  Hmm…Or rather, Strahmm… I wonder if he’s a Hodgepadre.  Might have to cyclops this.

Gio Gonzalez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.69.  Nice.  He looked great in the minors; the Yankees look like a total mess of injuries; you have to really wonder what the hell the Yanks were doing by releasing him.  I still only like him in deep leagues, but, uh, MLB is a 30-team league, that’s kinda deep.

Jose Urena – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.44.  Due to the Streamonator, I started Urena in all the leagues where I own him.  I knew you’d be happy for me (fake it, jerk).

Diego Castillo – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 5th save, ERA at 1.57.  Kevin Cash is using the ol’ Different Closer Every Week (DiCE Wee) strategy.  Next week it will be Pagan again, then Alvarado the following week, then no saves for a week, then Castillo.  Pretty cool Cash is even able to choose which week there’s no saves.

Shaun Anderson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks in his first start. Grabbed him in two of three NL-Only leagues, and will grab him in the third if my FAAB bid is enough. Do I love him? Not especially, but a Giants starter has value, due to his park, and right now I have Tyler on my bench smoking Beede’s.

Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks in his 1st start for the Jays.  Classy touch having him velcro a team logo on top of a generic MLB jersey.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, and four homers in three games, hitting .321.  Reads a doorbell, “Just Dong?”  Guess I’ll try it.  Echoing voice, “JUUUUUUUST DOOOOOOONG!”

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.89.  Despite ERA results, I like Ed-Rod, yadda-blabbity-bloo.  Just wanted to mention something.  Sale’s 17-K game the other day?  Was not a top 100 start of the year.  That surprised me.

Miguel Andujar – Elected to have season-ending surgery after spending six weeks trying to fight the original results.  Call him Miguel Algore.

Gleyber Torres – 3-for-8 and three homers (6, 7, 8) across two games, hitting .290.  Mean’s while, Giancarlo watched The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill and walked around his condo saying, “Giancarlo, want a cracker?”

Gary Sanchez – 2-for-3 and his 12th homer.  Later in the day, Giancarlo purchased a How to Draw a Parrot book, and looks forward to using his imagination with all their pretty colors.

Cameron Maybin – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer.  Giancarlo, of course, would love to draw a parrot pirate, but isn’t that hard?  FUDGE!!!  Only I didn’t yell fudge.

Domingo German – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.41.  Can you guess how well my team’s pitching is doing where I own Patrick Corbin, Domingo German/Marquez, Matz and Woodruff?  Okay, now add in Matt Barnes, Shane Greene and Josh Hader.  Now toss in the fact it’s a 15-team league.

Renato Nunez – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer.  I didn’t want it to come to this, but I’ve been forced to make a visual metaphor.  *drives 45 minutes to the beach, looks for a parking spot for 4 hours, parks, walks to the beach in jorts, finds a kid building a sand castle, climbs on top*  Mountcastle!

Victor Robles – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer.  Can Robles sneeze some of his wonderfulness on Juan Soto?  I’m asking a friend–Fine!  I’m asking for me!  Are you happy?

Patrick Corbin – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.91.  Member when his opponent, the Mets, seemed like a solid hitting team?  That feels so two weeks ago.  Oh, and the NL East teams that were supposed to be so feared?  The Pirates have a better winning percentage than all but the Phils.

Austin Riley – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer in his first game, as he hit sixth.  Because MLB expects Riley to be a big name for a long time, they used special, authenticated balls for his at-bats.  Our Commissioner Manfred was even seen sticking each ball with a Capri Sun straw and squirting helium juice into the balls, while mumbling to no one, “We’re better than basketball.  Look at all of these homers.”

Mike Soroka – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.98.  “Now relieving your NL All-Star Game starter, Soroka, is Chris Paddack, just as you all figured when you drafted your fantasy staffs.  Speaking of staffs, has anyone seen Brett Gardner naked and can they describe it to me in detail?”  Wow, Joe Buck is the best play-by-play guy!

Luke Jackson – 2 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.05, recording his 5th save. The Braves have one reliever they can trust.  Mean’s while, Craig Kimbrel just watched a box set of Homicide: Life on the Street and can see the promise in all the writers, but it’s still pretty raw.

Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.93.  Not an easy start for Wacha, in this game or season.  Sadly, his peripherals don’t say he should be much better.  The Streamonator does love his next start, but I’d be nervous about starting him.

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.38.  On our Player Rater, Verlander has been the number one pitcher. Yup.

Jeimer Candelario – Optioned to Triple-A.  As someone who has owned this schmohawk all year in some leagues, this is the best news I’ve heard about him.  Now I can drop his stank ass.

Mitch Garver – Hit the IL with an ankle sprain.  Will see if we can get Rotowear to produce some shirts that say, “If you can read this, my Mitch fell off.”

Miguel Sano – Activated from the IL and didn’t play, which is so classic Sano.  Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I don’t see what the big deal is about me screaming, ‘Drain the swamp!’ after I flush the toilet.”

Blake Parker – 1/3 IP, 0 ER as he randomly came in to work one batter in the 8th.  Parker was facing his old crew, the Angels, trying to look cool by being the closer, then Baldelli totally negged him.  That’s like when you tell your ex you have plans for Friday, and then your mom walks into the room asking which movie you want to see on Friday.  “Detective Pikachu or did you see that last week with your sister?”  Mike Morin closed yesterday’s game, but I’d own Parker or Rogers.

Byron Buxton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .278.  What’s the most surprising thing in Buxton’s current statline in a statline of surprising things:  2 homers?  .278 average?  That he’s still in the majors with a starting job?

Jason Castro – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Move over, Mitch, we got Castro to pop a squat!

Justin Upton – Began some light baseball activities.  Gotta be nice to spit and scratch yourself again.

Jared Walsh – 3-for-5 as he was promoted and played 1st base.  He could also be called on to pitch, since he was also a reliever in the minors.  He does neither hitting nor pitching well, though.  Basically, Shohei farted into a mason jar last year, then fed it, gave it air, some sunlight and that turned into Jared Walsh.

Tommy La Stella – 4-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .301.  What a happy accident it was when La Stella stumbled into that Parsippany Ramada last January for Dwayne Murphy’s seminar, “Launch Angle or GTFO.”

Jonathan Lucroy – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .269.  You in March, “Someone drafted Jonathan Lucroy when they could’ve had Wilson Ramos?  Man, that’s just dumb!”  You now, “I’m stupid.”

Brian Goodwin – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .315.  “You get two more wishes.”  Brad Ausmus thinks about it, “I want our hitting to be great!”  “Okay, you get one more.”  “I want Tommy La Stella to be excellent.”  “Um, that’s kinda covered in the first wish.”  “Right…right…Okay, I want Brian Goodwin to be solid!”  “Forget it.”