Albert Almora was called up yesterday by the Cubs, and he’s the latest barely in-his-20s, big-time Cubs prospect. Albert Almora also anagrams to Barrel T. Alamo, who’d be great as a San Antonian oil man villain. “Remember my wrath, Walker, Texas Ranger! Now hand me my seersucker suit, and, yes, I’m in my underwear because I just bedded your wife and daughter together. I dig holes for a living!” So, Almora’s up while Jorge Soler mends his broken hamstring, and Almora’s ready to get all that and a cup of coffee. Or is it bring Maddon a cup of coffee? Well, he’s here for his cup of coffee. And Maddon says he’ won’t play every day. And, Part II, And There’s More!, I still grabbed him in two leagues. He’s basically a young Dexter Fowler. I will call him Dexter Chick. In Triple-A, he had 3 HRs, 10 SBs, .318 average in 55 games. He could see action here and there, and might provide a few steals. In most leagues, he’s not worth grabbing yet, unless you’re like me and can’t resist rookie nookie. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jerad Eickhoff – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Cubs, ERA down to 3.68. If you would’ve started Eickhoff yesterday, he would’ve shat the bed. Not due to the voodoo that you do, but due to doodoo you make. You’re a doodoo maker. Someone needs to be honest with you. Add Eickhoff to another Phillies pitcher that is aces at home (also Velasquez). Eickhoff’s ERA at home is 2.12. Away, it’s 6.41.
Ryan Howard – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer. No, this should’ve been the other 1st baseman with two first names!
Jameson Taillon – Was called up to start today. If your reaction right now is, “Damn, I should’ve picked up Taillon when Grey told me to buy him. Also, I wonder if Grey shaves his legs.” What?! Why are you thinking about my legs? Creep! Well, yeah, you should’ve grabbed Taillon when I told you, so don’t make the same mistake with A.J. Reed. As for whether Taillon will stay up after today, I haven’t the foggiest, which is not the same as Chone Figgins giving it his all, that’s the Figgiest.
Francisco Liriano – Had his start pushed back to Saturday. Can we agree on a Saturday in September and let Taillon pitch?
Starling Marte – Left the first game of the DH with ankle discomfort. Prayer decagon anyone?
Jon Niese – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Whatever, Taillon will no longer grow cold in the shadow of your nose like Barbara Hersey in Beaches!
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-7, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 10th homer in the first game. And that was one of the better hitting performances in the doubleheader. No, you don’t even deserve to be abbreviated as a DH, because you, doubleheader, were awful for hitting.
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners , 9 Ks, ERA at 2.80. He’s the most yawnstipating under-3 ERA pitcher I’ve ever owned. For the record, I’ve never owned Marco Estrada though. See, gotta be straight with you like George Michael in the 80s and 90s, but not George Michael in the 2000s.
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs as he was activated from the DL. Whelcome bhack!
Mike Leake – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.22 vs. John Lamb – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.74. Leake was doomed to fail against Lamb. A Leake is way too subtle of a flavor for the gaminess of Lamb. Don’t make me get a Top Chef winner on the podcast again to convince you. Aw shizz, Throwback Wednesday! It’s not just for those relatives who can’t wait until Thursday to embarrass you on Facebook. “Wasn’t Jeffrey the cutest?!”
Adam Duvall – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 25th homer in the past month. On our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, Duvall has been more valuable than Ryan Braun, Paul Goldschmidt and Lorenzo Cain.
Joey Votto – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer as he hit this game-winning homer off Kevin Siegrist. How do I know such facts? Am I omnipresent? Do I even know what omnipresent means? I know because I just picked up Siegrist. Way to bring down the ratios!
Billy Hamilton – 3-for-3 and a slam (2) and legs (14, 15). I wonder if he’s ever not gotten a legs when he’s gotten a slam. I don’t wonder enough to take the 45 seconds to research it. The Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it), doesn’t need research!
Buster Posey – Sat out yesterday after jarring his thumb on a swing. Was it jammed? What a Smucker.
Jarrett Parker – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. A hot schmotato is rising out of the ashes of the Manbird.
Santiago Casilla – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA up to 2.74. Has now given up runs in his past two appearances. It could be nothing, but you know my little vulture fingers went looking for Hunter Strickland and Cory Gearrin in all of my leagues.
Rubby de la Rosa – Dr. James Andrews determined Rubby didn’t need Tommy John surgery. He viewed Rubby’s MRI results from Punta Cana after the results went through a fax machine that was supposed to get new toner in 1994. Don’t count out a second opinion telling Rubby he needs surgery. That 2nd opinion being a sober Dr. James Andrews. For now, Rubby will rehab, aiming to return in August.
Zack Greinke – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 3.84. He started May with a 5.50 ERA and has since dumped correction fluid all over his stats like he’s in the Michael Nesmith family and Liquid Paper grows on trees.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .272. Au Shizz!
Jake Lamb – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .268. Yes, Lamb and Au Shizz have been relatively the same thus far. Good Lamby, bad Goldy.
Evan Longoria – Didn’t start yesterday with “total body soreness.” Damn, that’s next level pussification. “Not even my little toesies felt fresh.” That’s Longoria.
Khris Davis – Will see a doctor about finger numbness. Yikes, that doesn’t sound good. Hopefully he accidentally fell asleep with his hand in the freezer.
Danny Valencia – Didn’t start yesterday due to a stomach bug. I hope it was a ladybug, they’re cute.
Billy Butler – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Ooh, idea for an All-Star pre-game contest for fans! Trying to find a ladybug on Billy Butler’s stomach. Find it, and win a house! “No! That’s a freckle!”
Zach Davies – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, ERA at 4.29. JB brought Davies up in yesterday’s podcast and that was the point when I realized I was unable to stop us from becoming a “Brewers and Other Stuff” podcast.
Chris Carter – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer. Hopefully Chris Carter isn’t in your ex-files. You know, the manila folder of printed-out player pages for guys you dropped and now curse.
Leonys Martin – May return on Friday. Or as it shall be known, Leondays.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer. And thus it begins. 23 homers by July 1st? Over? Under? Push? Kick? Coast?
Wade Miley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.27. Incredibly, I streamed him this week after dodging the catastrophe of his last start vs. the Padres. Cool story, brah. Any hoo! Miley’s a streamer that’s risky even in good matchups.
Yan Gomes – Out after getting a *crosses legs* testicular bruise. *swallows* Um, yeah, hopefully he bounces back from this jockular sphincteritis in, um, short order. Okay, can we move on? This is painful to think about.
Julio Urias – 4 IP, 1 ER. Nice long relief appearance starting in the 1st inning. Too bad I wasted a game start on this. I’m sure Urias will be great at some point in his career. Could be a top ten starter. He is not there now. I have since dropped him. The Dodgers are using such kid gloves they can’t even tie their own shoes and are treating Urias like he can’t tie his either.
Justin Turner – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. I don’t think Turner is anything close to the guy he showed last year, but I do think he’s better than this hitter he’s shown this year. I.e., cyclops him.
Trayce Thompson – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Just when you think he’s going cold, he hits a walk-off bomb-dropper in the ninth. Is it weird I just want Adam Duvall, Trayce Thompson and Eduardo Nunez on all of my teams and no one else?
Starlin Castro – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, and 2nd in as many days. He can sense that you dropped him (no, he can’t). He can (not really). Seriously (not seriously).
Carlos Beltran – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd in as many days. Beltran’s going to get to 25 HRs with a .270 average, which will lead to someone next year drafting him, getting to about the first week of April and wondering why they drafted Beltran.
Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.14. Was cruising through four innings and you were like, “Yeah, Pineda’s troubles are behind him, so glad I picked him up, this is awesome, can’t believe he was on waivers,” then the 5th inning happened and you were like, “Should I drop Pineda for Shoemaker, Fulmer or Taillon?” Stream-o-Nator likes Pineda’s next start too, but I still don’t trust him.
Kole Calhoun – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .300. Has been fairly unsung so far, like the guy who is on deck to sing at karaoke when they close — that’s the worse! — and Calhoun still has quite a few homers left in his bat.
Joe Smith – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain. Smith said he had hamstring issues while Street was DL’d, but Smith wanted to stay in there and get saves. You, Joe Smith, are a true no-face of SAGNOF.
Tim Lincecum – Says he’ll make one more Triple-A start after being shelled in his last. He appeared very zen about his struggles. Or maybe he was just high AF.
Aaron Sanchez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.91. Guess I shouldn’t have dropped him. *steps out on the ledge, watches as an emergency crew inflates a bouncey mat below, sees the inflatable mat is a giant replica of Sanchez’s jersey* WHY?! The good news (for me) is no one else picked him up in my league. Every time I think I’m done with AL East starters, they pull me back in. Obviously, after a start like yesterday, Sanchez should be owned.
Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 1 run. Two hits in two straight games. Get off the water, Jesus, we got a new miracle in town!
Dallas Keuchel – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.44. Two starts ago, he gave up 2 ER. Last start, 3 ER. This start, 4 ER. SAT Question of the Day, what is he going to give up in his next start? If you answered five, you’re wrong. He’s gonna face the Rays, should be a solid start. (Watch him now give up five runs.)
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .310. What happened to Ian “I can’t hit .220” Desmond? I mean, yes, his middle name was a bit clunky, but where did that guy go?
Carlos Rodon – Will be skipped this week due to discomfort he’s causing his fantasy owners. Wait, I might be reading that wrong. Meh, that’s the general gist, which as you know was my high school band. General Gist’s lead single was, “Wanna Go To Prom? Get In Line!” We had real punk attitude. With neck discomfort for Rodon, the time to start looking elsewhere is here.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Valuable lesson for me: When trading with Prospector Ralph, beware the Wrath of Ralph. Geez, Frazier can hit .221 all over my face if he’s going to hit 50 homers this year.
Joe Ross – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.92. Not sure if he should have club music intro’ing him or “Got Clubbed” music.
Anthony Rendon – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. After the game, Dusty said, “And you thought we needed Trea,” then, when reminded Trea was to replace Espinosa (1-for-5, 1 RBI) not Rendon, Dusty shrugged, muttered and moved on.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-5 and two homers (8, 9). Wow, if Adam Duvall wasn’t surface of the sun hot, I’d say Nunez was the hottest schmotato in the league. For now, Nunez will have to remain the 2nd hottest schmotato. Still a very prestigious honor. Better than Time Person of the Year, really.
Robbie Grossman – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Usually he’s gross, man, but he’s hitting over-.350 in the last week.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .211. Good for bowling, not so good for baseball. He has been better recently. Though, better is around .220 in the last week. It’s better!
Yordano Ventura – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.32. I have him in one league where I haven’t started him in over a month. I would’ve dropped him but it’s one of these leagues with no waivers. That Ventura is owned in more than 50% of ESPN leagues is beyond baffling. It’s beyffling, which is also the condition many find themselves in after watching Lemonade.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer. You win, Trumbo, just stop now, please.
Hyun-soo Kim – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .378. Hyun-sooooooooo hot! Has not faced any lefties, but there’s a lot less of those weirdos, so, yes, Kim is worth owning.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .243. Wow, had no idea he had that many homers. Not really a terrible season thus far for Jones. I mean, not great, but that’s a hot streak away from his usual .270, 27-homer pace.
Chris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. Here’s a guy that is overdue for one of his patented 14 homer months. He patented it, Trumbo, so pay him a nickel!
Manny Machado – Know how Malcolm Gladwell talks about the epidemic of teenaged suicide in the South Pacific in The Tipping Point? Basically, one popular kid commits suicide, then in the next few years dozens of kids do, as a sad form of follow the leader. Well, with that in mind, maybe, just maybe, if we are lucky, Rougned Odor’s punch heard ’round the smugshot of Bautista will instigate dozens of more fights. Please, let that be the case. Yesterday, “Macho” Mannny Machado took on Yordano “The Scrawny Body” Ventura in a pretty boring match. Looked like a lot of 3rd grade ‘Hold me back’s while neither really wanting to get to the other. Yordano got lucky, Venturas have not historically faired well in mound fights. Machado will definitely be suspended for multiple games and Ventura will continue to piss off the entire league with his fur boa and arm wrestling challenges of Ivan Putski.