“Hi, I work in the front office for the Twins and I’m ordering lunch. I was wondering what you have that’s old that you can give us a discount on. Can you eat old pork? Hmm, let’s try it with extra sauce. John Ryan Murphy briefly converted to Judaism, or so he wrote in 6-point font inside his lined notebook where he talked about murder, but he’s back to the gentile side of things. I’d also like to know if any of your very old or very young employees want to join our pitching staff. We can’t pay them in money, but Byung ho Park and Kurt Suzuki often wrestle together, reenacting Foxcatcher, and it’s just fun to be around when that happens. Gotcha, okay, just send the old pork then!” Incredibly, the Twins reached into their oh-so-deep pockets, pulled out some lint and decided to call up their top pitching prospect, Jose Berrios. He’s only been ready for about three years now; crazy to start his clock now when they could’ve held him down in Triple-A for another five years. Never underestimate the Twins’ frugality. It’s FRU-JOUL-LAY, it’s Italian! Here’s what I said previously about him, “A team like the Tigers would’ve promoted Berrios about two years ago. No fear, John Deere, Berrios is still only 21 years old. I’ve seen people peg Berrios as having #3 fantasy starter upside, but I see him landing eventually with a barely-2 BB/9 and 9 K/9 from his mid-90s MPH fastball and plus-curve. That makes him a borderline fantasy ace in the making. Of course, as a rookie, there will be stretches where he doesn’t look like that, but want a guy that could come on and give you a Shelby Miller in 2015-type year? Berrios has that potential.” And that’s me quoting me! Yes, I’d grab him, yes, in your league too. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ervin Santana – Hit the DL with a back strain. Hopefully when you saw Ervin on draft day, you gave him the “No look, pass.”
Kyle Gibson – Also hit the DL, him to a shoulder strain. If he would’ve strengthened his shoulder like his dad demanded of him when he was younger, he’d be fine. “Run around the house and reenact my game winning homer. This time, more arm pumping.”
Danny Santana – 3-for-5, 1 run as he hit leadoff. I saw that he hit leadoff and had three hits and I was like, “Aw sookie, I’m picking him up….And he’s gone already. C’mon, Fantasy Master Lothario, be less handsome and more faster! More faster?”
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .206 and in the nine hole. On some teams, the nine hole is meant to turn over the lineup. On the Twins, it’s meant to end the third, sixth and ninth innings.
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Kipnis hit that homer straight from the seder plate!
Juan Uribe – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. As non-scientist Bill Nye would say, there’s a 100% chance Uribe hits another homer within two games of yesterday.
Travis d’Arnaud – Hit the DL with a strained right rotator cuff. But now it’s too obvious to get him out of my fantasy lineup. Where’s the challenge in that?
Brandon Finnegan – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.86 vs. Bartolo Colon – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. This matchup was billed as Finnegan vs. Never Finished Eating. Ended in three no decisions. Two in the game and one after at Golden Corral buffet.
Logan Verrett – 2 IP, 0 ER, 0.55 ERA as he got the victory for the 2nd consecutive game. Damn, I wish I had some of that. Is there anything better than a vulture win? It’s up there with finding a dollar on the street or finding a tub of Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer that you forgot about. Man, I am so married I don’t even list sex as being in the top three with a vulture win, ice cream and a dollar.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. It was a pinch-hit homer, so I’ll say it for you. Sonavabench!
Tucker Barnhart – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .355. Beginning to think I should own Barnhart instead of the barnyard creature, Mesoraco.
Dioner Navarro – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in three games. You don’t have to tell me twice. Dot dot dot. Okay, you do, but I dropped Salty and grabbed Navarro in one league.
Austin Jackson – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. White Sox are the one team (I can currently think of) that don’t platoon anyone. That’s likely because a platoon reminds Robin Ventura of war, which reminds him of fighting, which reminds him of Nolan Ryan noogying him.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIS and his 3rd homer. This comes after he had two hits on Monday. Mr. hot schmotato risin’. Gonna keep on risin’.
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he faced a Jays B lineup. Still a solid team, but you go down the Jays’ lineup and you’re like, “Matt Dominguez is in the majors? Thole? Doesn’t he write for Razzball and love Domonic Brown? The Purple Evolutionist?”
Russell Martin – Likely won’t start until Friday due to a stiff neck. He has a Viagra lodged in his throat.
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and three homers (3, 4, 5). After the third homer, everyone greeted McCutchen to high-five him. The entire team. Even guys from the bullpen. And, at the very end, Gregory Polanco (2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .333 with a .440 OBP). High-five lineups arranged by Clint Hurdle.
David Freese – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. Ugh, would this schmohawk get hurt already so they can move Polanco up? Please!
Starling Marte – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer. He was seen talking with Polanco and Hurdle shushed him.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. You better grab your Obama Chia pet, I feel a Torenado!
Kyle Hendricks – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Hammel’s ERA is 0.75. Five over-the-internet dollars says that Hammel and Hendricks’ ERAs are within 0.10 of each other at the end of the year.
Javier Baez – 1-for-2, 1 run and his 2nd steal as he pinch hit. A regular ol’ Rusty Staub!
Miguel Montero – Out with a stiff back. There hasn’t been this much stiffness around the majors since Alyssa Milano got married.
Jimmy Nelson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.16. His K-rate is 7.2, BB/9 is 4 and xFIP is 4.29. I.e., Nelson could make you harried.
Matt Holliday – Out with a leg cramp. Don’t they have leg Midols?
Kolten Wong – Out with flu-like symptoms. Or in pithy terms, Wong Flu Over a Congested Chest.
Shelby Miller – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.69. I’d hate to be a fly on the wall when someone explains xFIP to the Diamondbacks’ GM. “So, you’re saying, these pitchers we traded for and signed overperformed last year?” Then he staggers into a wall, killing the previously mentioned fly.
Stephen Piscotty – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .273. Who caught that home run ball? Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know!
Jake Lamb – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Lamb got gamey!
Yasmany Tomas – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, as he keeps his schmotato hot long time. Both Diamondbacks homers came in the ninth when the game was over…the real game, which involves spitting and scratching yourself in public. The fantasy game doesn’t end, and involves scratching yourself in private.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. Moistasskiss!
Johnny Giavotella – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Only three more for his career high! Or will this be the year he tops five?! The drama! The intrigue! The dramigue!
Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.41. Three pitchers in my top 20 to avoid: Greinke, Keuchel and F-Her. Don’t worry, F-Her’s comeuppance is coming, uh, uppance.
Nathan Karns – 7 IP, 0 ER, ;5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Why is it Karns and Eovaldi always trip me up on Nate or Nathan? Are they Nathans like the glorious hot dogs? Karns, Nate or Nathan, is solid in the right matchups, so I’d consult the Stream-o-Nator.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 7th homer. His 8th homer will only be released on Tidal.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.35. I don’t think he’s done, so don’t take this the wrong way, but I have a gut feeling this past preseason is the last time we see Scherzer drafted in the top 5 starters ever again. Then next year he’ll be this year’s Felix Hernandez.
Michael Taylor – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 3rd steal. All we need is a Portuguese roll and some Velveeta because somebody’s going Taylor H.A.M.
Charlie Morton – His hamstring’s MRI revealed ugly results. It looked just like Devin Mesoraco. Adam Morgan will start in Morton’s place on Friday. Morgan throws an 89 MPH fastball and–What happened? I fell asleep? Is it dinner time?
Vince Velasquez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.78. Just, please, let it run through your mind that he has an ERA of 1.78 the next time you ask if you should drop him.
Andres Blanco – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Andre the White is hitting .346 and batting 2nd and I wouldn’t pick him up either, so let’s move on.
Cesar Hernandez – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. Four straight games with a hit, has raised his average about fifty points in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Alex Rodriguez – Didn’t start yesterday with a stiff oblique. A-Rod’s mirrored reflection said, “Take a day, rest, and discreetly moisten your nipples with your own saliva.”
Luis Severino – 3 IP, 6 ER. *folds a Denny’s placemat into a boat, puts the paper boat into the ocean* “Okay, Severino and Pineda, your boat awaits.” “Will that hold us?” “Of course!” “But I heard a tsunami was headed this way.” “Nonsense! Go ahead, Pineda first, Severino first, I don’t care. Get on the boat.” “Is this a metaphor for wanting us off your fantasy team?” “Yes.”
Rougned Odor – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Also, in this game, Ian Desmond went 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Mean’s while, Delino DeShields (0-for-4) stood near the shoreline, just missing the Severino/Pineda boat.
A.J. Griffin – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 2.52. But as the Stream-o-Nator says Alfredo Jettucine could get creamed at any point .
Carl Crawford – 1-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m not sure what I’m able to say through my attorney.”
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. Tom Koehler 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. After Kershaw was beaten by Koehler, when fans were filing out of Dodger Stadium, they should’ve played Helter Skelter backwards.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. 44 more and I’ll be forever your girl!
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-3. Nothing really, but 2nd game in a row with two hits, and he’s the type to hit a bunch of bombs in a row when he heats up, so I would cyclops him.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.58. Is anyone on the Rays staff a good bet to go more than six innings in any given start? You don’t have to answer; I can’t hear you anyway. You are reading words; this is not a conversation.
Carson Smith – Aiming to return next Monday. Not sure what to expect from him when he returns due to the nature of his injury (elbow). I’ve stashed him in one league because if he’s anywhere near as dominant as last year it’ll be well worth it. Everyone needs something to MR. B in.
David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 14 Ks. *standing below Price’s Buy Low Window, holding boombox, playing In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel* Hello, anyone going to open this window again? Guys, this boombox is heavy.
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-5, 2 runs and two steals (4, 5). Bogaerts is solid, I don’t mind him, but he doesn’t give a ton of fantasy value all in one shot. He’s more the guy that looks good at the end of the year. Yesterday, for unstints, is one of his big games. Again, not bad, just slow and steady, which wins races too. “Yeah right!” That’s an arrogant hare.
Rich Hill – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.42. Sonavabench! I figured since the Tigers were hitting well on Monday, and the game was in Comerica, and DAH! This is my Hill and these are my beans! And I should’ve started him. As they say in Paris, c’est la y’all! Paris, Texas, obviously.
Tyler Collins – After he made a gesture to fans with his middle finger, MLB reviewed “FU-gate,” but decided not to suspend him. WWE is also reviewing Collins’ action, thinking about signing him under the name, Tyler the Tiger, with the finishing move, The Strike Out.
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Now has three straight games with two hits and a homer on Monday. My visual album of this would be: a Zombino picks a daffodil and hands it to a prematurely balding man in sweatpants who just got done screaming to his mom, “Make sure you buy me Doritos at the store!”