*fumbles with an envelope, Hillary Swank stands next to me, watching on, embarrassed for me* And the Teoscar goes to…Teoscar Hernandez! Hillary Swank leans into the microphone, “Well, he was the only one nominated.” Ugh, totally unnecessary Swank! I should’ve pointed out how she was checking out Hugh Jackman’s wife the entire time on stage. I picked up Teoscar before yesterday’s game for the runs because he was leading off, I never expected such a windfall of gorge. He went 2-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homer in only his 73rd at-bat. That’s 20 hits total for him, with seven going gonzo. This is better than Million Dollar Baby! Yeah, I hope Hillary Swank’s Google alerts are going bizzonkers today. Not ready to announce my love for Teoscar for next year, I am more of an IFP Spirit Awards guy, but you have to grab Teoscar for these final days. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-5 and his 32nd and 33rd homer, hitting .270. For a moment, let’s bow our heads for the fantasy owner that traded Donaldson for Jake Lamb and Yoenis Cespedes at the All-Star Break in a trade the whole league wanted to veto.
J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.53. This start came in Boston too. Damn, gonna have to take a long look at Happ this offseason. Maybe he’s more than simply a guy who is embarrassed his initials stand for Just Apricot.
Chris Sale – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.90. Hopefully this is an omen for the playoffs. Sorry, but y’all Red Sox fans are kinda insufferable. I mean, you have to know that, right?
Mookie Betts – Out of the lineup yesterday, but a CT scan showed he really loved Diem. RIP. Oh, it also showed Betts has no structural damage to his wrist. Not sure how CT knew that.
Bryce Harper – 0-for-2 as he hit 2nd. I expected him to come back and look locked in. Also, I keep thinking he’s going to be Mike Trout, but that’s alter-Nat-ive facts.
Gio Gonzalez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.75. Definitely limping to the finish line like Nancy Kerrigan in a charity 3K with Tonya Harding. I doubt that will affect many people’s thoughts on him next year. I hope not, because I can’t wait to not draft him. Double double negative!
Blake Snell – 1 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.27. It gets worse. If you streamed Snell for his two-start week, the Stream-o-Nator does like his last start a lot, but all confidence in him just went out the window with my trucker hat. Hey, that’s where it is!
Alex Cobb – Done for the year. As a free agent, I hope he lands somewhere good this offseason. Like Seattle, Los Angeles or Los Angeles Is Nowhere Near Anaheim of Los Angeles.
Jordan Montgomery – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.96. Whoa, didn’t see that coming. Thought he was broiled from too many innings. I wonder if he’s got one more start in him. My guess is no, but I would’ve guessed wrong last night.
A.J. Ramos – Dealing with biceps tendinitis. The Mets are like Medusa for pitchers. They just have to look at them and they’re done.
Domingo Santana – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer. Way Back Machine Alert! In May, if you would’ve traded Eric Thames for Domingo, you would’ve won that trade by a country mile, which is a mile measured by Jim Thome putting heel to toe.
Zack Cozart – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer, hitting .302. Oh, and he missed a month of games. Cozart’s the bomb dot gov. Eat it, Salieri!
Scott Schebler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer, hitting .235. This season feels like a poor man’s Brady Anderson season. In twenty years, we’ll look back and wonder how Schebler’s sideburns look, then remember that was Brady Anderson.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three days. Hot schmotato alert!
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer. Five over-the-internet dollars says he hits another home run by Friday. Trust the process.
Lucas Giolito – Done for the year. He will be a sleeper in 2018 who won’t really be a sleeper, except to the people who are totally asleep.
Jose Abreu – 3-for-4, and his 32nd and 33rd homer, hitting .307. El Grande Dolor! Come at me with your trademark attorney, Frank Thomas.
Ben Zobrist – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer, hitting .238. Hitting him leadoff or cleanup for 320 at-bats finally makes sense to me! It was Maddon seeing if anyone was paying attention. Stay woke, right, Maddon? I gotcha!
Jake Arrieta – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.53 vs. Carlos Martinez – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.64. I understand C-Mart’s excuse, but you might want to unpack your suitcase, Arrieta, you’re headed to the playoffs to throw another 50 IP. Arrieta’s elbow tendon after this playoffs is going to call Dr. James Andrews itself. “Baby, who are you calling?” “I’m not, it’s my elbow.” That’s Jake talking with his wife.
Yadier Molina – Didn’t play yesterday. His brother Bengie poured some gravy out for his brother who wasn’t there, and poured it into his other brother Jose’s mouth.
Tommy Pham – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .310. Pham didn’t play his first game until May 5th. On our Player Rater, he’s top 30 overall.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. You know the drill, stop jerking it, and Gyorko it.
Matt Carpenter – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 23rd homer, and 2nd homer in four games, and hitting near-.375 in that time. Jesus, Carpenter. Nailed it!
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer, hitting .306. I can’t believe I was able to buy these dodo feathers from that auction for only my life savings. What a bargain! I’m just going to put them by this window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Trevor Story – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Ya know, if Story hits 12 homers this week and goes 145-for-150 in an extra inning game, he could salvage this year.
Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.94, as he won his 18th game. Someone’s getting Murray Chass’ Cy Young vote!
Mike Minor – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 3rd save, as Kelvin Herrera worked a scoreless 7th inning. Yo, Minor’s major.
Madison Bumgarner – Won’t start again. Bochy said Bumgarner had been through enough this year and there was no reason to force him to start again. Look at the big brain on Bochy. That’s what I’ve been saying for a month, and I don’t need a size 12 hat.
Matt Moore – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.52. If the Giants can get Colon and Pelfrey this offseason, they might just have a contender again.
J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 44th homer (28 on the D-Backs!). Dong Just? *shakes head* Jong Dust? *shakes head* Just Dong? *nods head, smiling*
Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.98. I wanna throw kisses at this guy so bad in 2018 drafts. Praying he is underrated by big box sites as I think he might be.
Yonder Alonso – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato risin’, gonna keep on risin’.
James Paxton – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Is it me (it’s not me) or did his season not feel as good as his ERA looks?
Marcus Semien – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. You better not sleep on Semien, mostly because it feels like sleeping on dried paste.
Daniel Mengden – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.75. If you streamed him in a weekly league for the two starts, you’re not out of the woods yet as Houston said at the Houston 500.
Jose Altuve – Out of the lineup yesterday with a sore forearm. Though, with his size, it’s more like a three-arm.
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (33), hitting .225. No exaggeration, Maybin played well for about two months this year and totally disappeared for four months.
Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.90. Fun fact! Keuchel’s sister married Melancon’s brother, and hyphenated her name so absolutely no one knows how to say it.
Cole Hamels – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.10. The Regression Fairies will pick up beating on your ERA next year, or their name is not Jeffrey and William.
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.72. Somewhere, Prospector Ralph is putting a prayer hands emoji next to an eggplant emoji.
Corey Seager – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .295. Please don’t let 2018 Bellinger be 2017 Seager. Please.
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4 and his 25th homer. All he does is homer! It’s too bad the Padres are too dumb to play him every day. Renfroe may think about stop sleeping with coaches wives.
Christian Villanueva – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, all of which came in the last week. Nope, no idea where it’s coming from either, but I want it on my team right now.
Kevin Gausman – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.81. Ugh, Gausman, you had a chance to get your ERA near-4 and not be a total disgrace on the season, but you Mr. Bungled that, didn’t ya? I looked at the worst ERAs on the season just now to see where Gausman ranked, and Tanaka has a 4.94 ERA?! By the by, I won two leagues with Lackey and Samardzija and they’re both in the top 15 for worst qualified ERAs. Awesome…*picks up hammer, slams hammer down on toe*
Trevor Williams – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.07. Try to say an “O” without opening your mouth. You can’t and Williams still silenced the O’s! The Stream-o-Nator is loving pitchers going against the Orioles the whole final week. Thank God, Boog Powell is no longer around to witness this. *intern whispers in my ear* I know he’s alive, I mean he’s too busy eating BBQ to be bothered to watch.
Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 8 RBIs, hitting .278. The Dread Pirate put a nail in the coffin of me calling him a schmohawk in the preseason, like Johnny Depp put a nail in his career after the 5th Pirates movie. Did people keep seeing these? I stopped after the first one, so the other day I thought to myself, “Whatever happened to Geoffrey Rush?” Looked up his IMDB page to see what he’d been doing, and it turns out he’s done a shizzton of Pirates movies even though he died like four Pirates movies ago. As for McCutchen, yeah, he had a solid season.
Eddie Rosario – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .292. Ugh. Shh, please. Trying to sneak you through for next year.
Brian Dozier – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 33rd homer, hitting .264. I took some heat when I ranked Dozier in the top 100 for the 2nd half high after his poor 1st half, simply on the basis of his 2nd half last year. This 2nd half? Not quite as good, but prettttttay, prettttttay close (20 HRs, .286).
Bartolo Colon – Left yesterday’s start with an illness. I can imagine in the clubhouse if Bartolo vomits, it’s like the blueberry pie scene in Stand By Me.
