Just wanna put it out there that Al Gore did a better job of inventing the internet than he did at global warming.  All these postponements is a real shitshow…snow.  The way we’re going there’s going to be back-to-back tripleheaders in August for some teams with the ceremonial first pitch thrown out by Joel Youngblood.  Here was me trying to field a full fantasy team the last few days:  I’m going to hold onto Matt Davidson through his postponed games, at least I have Freddie Freeman, and now the Braves are rained out, well, I have Miguel Andujar in a doubleheader, and…that’s been canceled, guess I can grab whomever is starting for the Royals vs. Ohtani and that game has been called.  Hmm, down to one game on Sunday — Rays vs. Phils.  C’mon, Kiermaier–And he’s out after one inning.  FMFBBL.  Any hoo!  Yesterday, Starling Marte went 5-for-5, 4 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .305.  If you’re facing him, urine trouble, if you’re a PEDs tester, that is.  By the way, I heard an interesting tidbit on a podcast the other day.  If you wipe a baby diaper filled with pee on your face, you will stay forever young.  Of course, the advice came from a prisoner serving 25 years to life in San Quentin, so there might be side effects.  Coming into this game, Marte was hitting .241, and he raised his average more than sixty points, which shows you how young the season is still.  Maybe the season wiped baby urine on itself.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Josh Harrison – Hit on the hand and will be reevaluated on Monday.  Harrison was angry about getting hit, saying, “Do you know what this will do to my trade value?  I’m trying to get up and out of here!”  Then C**nt Hurdle said, “You gotta love that, that’s how the game is played!”

Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 0.89.  This start came against the Mehlins, so, well, yeah, no dur.  However, something I saw in the box score that struck me as funny (not funny).  After cursing ESPN for removing walks for pitchers from their box score — seriously, dubs tee eff — Ziegler has three losses!  I never thought Ziegler was good, but three losses in the first 14 games?  I didn’t think the Mehlins had that many chances for a win that late in games to give Ziegler three losses.  Like I said, funny (not funny).

Ivan Nova – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.88.  Nova was in Friday’s Buy as a Stream-o-Nator call.  He’s not recommended in his next start, so bye, pitch.

Trevor Richards – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.70.  This preseason Richards said he was one or two days away from giving up baseball.  How could anyone be one or two days away from giving up anything?  You’re either going to give it up or you’re not.  No one says they’re going to give up something in two days unless they’re never giving it up.  Yeah, and I’m two days away from giving up boba.  Other interesting tidbits I found in my research, Trevor Richards went to Drury University.  Did you have to hit .240 with no power at 3rd base to get into Drury University?  Hey, Trevor Richards, Brandon Drury doesn’t even have a college!  Any hoo!  Richards lives mostly with a changeup and 90 MPH fastball, and I wouldn’t touch him outside of NL-Only leagues.

Jonathan Schoop – Hit the DL with an oblique injury.  He should be out the minimum ten days or have the injury linger for a few months.  So oblique!  This moves Danny Valencia into the lineup as an everyday player.  That’s Danny Awesometown for those from SoCal.  Here’s the saddest press release you will ever read.

Alex Cobb – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER in his 1st start.  Not a great first outing, but, then again, when you look around the league, Cobb is like a top fifteen starter if he keeps putting up these numbers.  On the reals, I said I wouldn’t own Cobb in the preseason, and that remains.  By the way, The Cobb That Remains is the worst Merchant Ivory film.  Jeremy Irons can do anything, except convincingly eat a corn cob.

Andrew Benintendi – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, hitting .269.  Benintendi just does a little of everything!  Wouldn’t mind seeing him do a couple of big things every once in a while.

Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-4 yesterday, but hit his 3rd homer on Saturday.  Here’s Anime Grey with more on Hanley:

Jon Gray – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.23.  When can I feel confident starting Gray?  How long until he faces the Padres again?  He gave up 7 ER last time vs. the Padres?  Ah, got it.  *lays down on train tracks*  Give my best to Cougs.  Tell her it was all Gray’s fault.  But make sure you spell it so she knows I’m not taking the blame for anything.

Nolan Arenado – Decided to start his suspension right at the end of one week, so I couldn’t move him in my weekly lock lineup, and then he will miss three days in the next week, so I’m screwed about benching him for the new week too.  Don’t you know to start a suspension on a Monday?!  I mean, that’s common sense.

DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .309.  He’s had a first two weeks that would’ve been a good season for him.

Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .298.  “Hey, DJ, do you have this record, ‘Launch Angle’ by 65 Degrees?”

Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .190.  Shine on you crazy Desmond!

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.33, and WHIP at 0.67.  Member when he was on the Diamondbacks and looked like a 4.00+ ERA pitcher with Ks?  I blame Scherzer for giving me faith in 95% of the pitchers I own.  Screw you, Scherzer!

Daniel Murphy – Ready to play in extended spring training games.  At extended spring training games, you’ll find people who fell asleep in the bleachers in March with third degree sunburns.

Matt Wieters – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd this weekend.  Pedro Severino better go back to long toss, because this isn’t good for his playing time.

Bryce Harper – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer.  His OPS is 1.219.  That would be fifteen best of all-time if the rain and snow wipes out the rest of the season.  It would also be only as good as Barry Bonds’ fifth best season.

Aaron Altherr – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .083.  83’s such an existential number for a snowman.  It’s like they’re looking in the mirror, but only seeing half of themselves.  I might’ve smoked too much pot when I was younger.

Ben Lively – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.87.  This start came against the Rays, so Ben was keeping it a little too Lively for my taste.

Chris Archer – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 7.84.  The good news is the bad news is so lengthy I won’t bother listing it.

Kevin Kiermaier – Left yesterday’s game with a jammed thumb.  Kiermaier and Adam Eaton get on your cross country flight, do you get off?  And if you choose to stay on, what if one of them is seated in the exit row?  Still stay on?

Denard Span – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  As soon as he connected on that homer, Ben Revere, without knowing why, began to run the bases.

Mallex Smith – 2-for-5, hitting .350.  One of the few bright spots for the Rays so far, as he’s hitting even better in the last seven games.  Really more of a SAGNOF play, but hot schmotato, fo’ sho.

Jesus Sucre – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 1st steal, hitting .313.  Sweet Jesus!

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.00.  I love, love, lurve Morton, but his WHIP is higher than his ERA, so, yeah, his ERA’s gonna come up a bit (maybe low 3’s, which is still great).  By the way, the Astros should do a Morton Bobblehead that also doubles as a salt shaker.

Ken Giles – A.J. Hinch says Giles will have most saves by the end of the year, but may not use him as the closer exclusively.  You know the only thing great to come out of a committee?  Jerk seasoning.  At this point, I’d rank Astros save opps as Giles, Devenski and Peacock, but it could be any of the three in any order.  (The Exuding Confidence Seminar at Trump University is paying off!)

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.35. Bartolo was all the talk yesterday because he’s super fat and old, and people like anomalies, but Verlander domination is no less incredible.

Bartolo Colon – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.45, and a perfect game into the 8th inning.  However:

Tyler Beede – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.22 vs. Joey Lucchesi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.66.  This matchup was billed as, “A Italian vs. A Tyler.”  Quick and to the point.  I wouldn’t touch Beede, but I’d follow Stream-o-Nator for Lucchesi.

Christian Villanueva – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .293.  Stop what you’re doing (cause I’m about to ruin), and go watch one of Villanueva’s homers.  Doode hits absolute bombs.  To further the case, he has nine homers in 73 major league ABs.

Jose Pirela – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd steal, hitting .324.  At worst, he’s a hot schmotato.  At best, he’s David Peralta spelled differently.

Sean Manaea – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.63.  Love to see more Ks from Manaea, but for ratios, as Sinatra once sang, “Don’t forget about Manaea.”

Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, and his 4th homer, hitting .348.  If you would’ve told me that Lowrie was joining the Launch Angle Revolution, I would’ve said, “He can wear a Che shirt, but, against him, I’d be arms dealing.”  Apparently, Lowrie’s not just Che chic.  “The Freak!”  Okay, take it easy, Lincecum.

Taylor Motter – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer.  I just hope he gets back together with Taylor Fodder.  I hate to see broken homes.

Jose Quintana – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 8.16.  I really like Quintana this year.  Not because of how he’s pitching, but he’s made me appreciate terrible pitchers who are pitching better than him.  Thank you for the perspective, Quintana.

Jake Junis – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.93.  Not the greatest of starts, said Mr. Obvious, after he asked, “Have you seen, Mrs. Obvious, she said she was leaving me for my brother.”  However, you can’t drop a starter with an under-2 ERA.

Chase Anderson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.82.  His velocity was up in his last two starts, so, after the first start, when you were running around with your arms flailing like Ronnie just clogged up your Jersey Shore toilet, Anderson might be all right.  He gets the Mehlins next so that should be a test of nothing, except can Anderson get to the park on time.

Matt Albers – 2/3 IP, 1 ER and the loss as he entered a tie game.  On Saturday, Josh Hader pitched 2 IP and got the save.  As the whirled pen turns… I’d still put the saves at Albers, Barnes then Hader, but my level of confidence on that is at about 10 (out of 100).

Noah Syndergaard – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.95  Not a revolutionary thought, but if Syndergaard pitches 90 IP or 190 IP, he’s going to have a 10+ K/9 and a 2.75-ish ERA.  Only thing in the air is how many innings we see him throw.  A revolutionary thought:  we fought to stop paying taxes to the British, to then pay taxes to the US government.  Fist up emoji.

Brandon Nimmo – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .400.  The Mets realized it’s likely not the best idea to demote a guy who is hitting .400.  How the Mets, of all teams, came to this conclusion is beyond me.  Now I’m starting to understand why it’s so difficult to find Nimmo, he gets demoted for no reason.

Wilmer Flores – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .200.  After the homer, Wilmer screamed, “These are tears of happiness,” then he snorted.

Miles Mikolas – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.26.  The Stream-o-Nator loved this start on Saturday, and feels equally optimistic about his next start, and I see no reason to not trust him at least one more time.

Harrison Bader – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Harrison Bader’s home run call should be, “Ginsburg!”  He doesn’t have a starting job, but I’m in full-time cyclops with a monocle mode on Bader.

Carlos Martinez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 11 Ks, ERA at 1.75.  A fantasy baseball version of All My Exes Live In Texas, “May all your aces one day face the Reds.”

Brandon Finnegan – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER in his 1st start back from the DL.  He’s been in the league for four (stutterer!) years, guess how old he is?  Nah, way younger.  It surprised me too.  He’s only 25, and just turned it on Saturday.  Happy Birthday, Finnegan!  Make a wish.  What’s that, a new UCL?  Aw, you’re silly with your super on-point wishes.  I own Finnegan in one league (NL-Only) and am not starting him until I see a good game, which may be never.

Chris Taylor – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .230.  If I may pass along some knowledge to you from reading 500 comments a day from panicked fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!), you can buy low on Chris Taylor.

Rich Hill – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.00.  My fantasy teams got unlucky, marred by Rich Hill’s yucky.  Took me for all he was worth.  Now everyone’s a swinger, and I’m dealing with Bellinger.  I can’t figure out which is worse.

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.73.  Hey, this guy might have a future in this league.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .241.  Au Shizz!

Zack Godley – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.00.  Rather, Humanly, if you ask me.

Taijuan Walker – Hit the DL with forearm soreness, which is a precursor for two weeks of, “I feel great, better than before the inflammation,” then a week of, “I wasn’t able to throw in a rehab game, but that’s all right, I’ll be back within a week,” then, “I think my arm is hanging the wrong way off my shoulder,” then, “I feel great, I’m ready to go,” then, “Taijuan Walker was only able to throw 12 pitches in a rehab start and won’t be fielding questions,” then, “I can answer my own questions, thank you very much,” then, “I’m gonna let the trainer answer that,” then, “Taijuan Walker needs Tommy John surgery.”