Certified Clubber Boy

Yesterday, Salvador Perez hit his 41st homer. Today, you get a Salvador Appreciation Post, or SAP. You might be asking yourself the same as every Y! Answers when you google SAP, “How do I turn SAP off?” You can’t turn it off. It’s going into your eyeballs and, with each passing word, it becomes harder to turn back. If you remove all pitchers, the top home run hitter in the major leagues is Salvador Perez, a catcher. What a year for fantasy, is what I say right before I wander into traffic wearing nothing but a potato sack. “If you remove all pitchers, the top home run hitter in the major leagues is…” is the funniest thing that’s ever graced this site. That a catcher is the next best home run hitter is just a cherry on top of this season. “Wow, I can’t believe I can draft Cody Bellinger in the 2nd round this year,” that’s what the apparition floating next to me keeps saying, because I’m haunted. Salvador Perez is in one of those situations that I thought would benefit Juan Soto too. There’s no one in that lineup with Perez, so why not pitch to him? The only difference between Soto and Perez is about .440 OBP or 90-ish walks. If you knew someone like, say, Perez would swing at anything, wouldn’t you throw him nothing but junk in the dirt? For Sal Perez to hit 41 homers, he should’ve only saw 41 strikes all year. Alas, no one wants to tangle with Benintendi, apparently. For 2022, I continue to cackle in a jar and seal it quickly like it’s a lightning bug. Only I plan on releasing those cackles in 2022 when someone drafts Salvador Perez in the top 25 overall next year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Brady Singer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.58. There is a story of a lovely Brady… Streamonator hates his next start, but I could actually see it.

JT Brubaker – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.36, as he was activated from the IL. Excuse me, Mr. Brubaker, how does it feel to be back with the Pirates? “My initials stand for Just Trade.”

Yoshi Tsutsugo – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He was in Friday’s Buy column and I keep saying he’s hot. If you don’t believe me, listen to Coolwhip via Phil Collins:

There’s a guy that’s been on my mind,
something’s different this time,
Tsu-Tsutsugo
Oh ohhh@Razzball https://t.co/VYp3CU7zVz pic.twitter.com/VxCYcYX1Mi

— Ohtani Stan Account (@CoolwhipRB) September 5, 2021

Bryan Reynolds – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (22) and legs (5), hitting .301. Sometimes I write stuff down next to a guy’s name, then come back later and edit it, but I wrote, “Bryangomes Reynolds,” and have no idea what that means and I’m just gonna leave it at that.

Kyle Hendricks – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.65. When you don’t throw hard, and you still lose your stuff. *shudders*

Matt Duffy – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and and a double slam (2, 3) and legs (5). I rock rough and tough with Matt Duffy! Roughy and toughy? Not to be a hag, man, but I don’t think much of Duffy. Two ding dongs goes a long way towards a hot schmotato though.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .212. How about that defense though, huh?

Frank Schwindel – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, and, like, his 56th homer in the last month. Random Prediction Alert! The Cubs will sign some 1st baseman, who will disappoint until June, then get hurt and Schwindel will step in and do better than the free agent signing.

Brandon Nimmo – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. So, if you were looking, now you know where to find Nimmo.

Javier Baez – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (28) and legs (14). That, there, that slam and legs is one-thousand percent the reason I won’t be able to quit Baez any time soon.

Jonathan Villar – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 18th homer. He ends the season with 20/15 and how do you not at least take a flyer again next year? Rhetorical!

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two days. Finally a reverse jinx of a Sell from my Buy column! If only I could work that magic on Bellinger or Trout.

Kevin Pillar – 2-f0r-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (4). On the 7-Day Player Rater, he’s in elite hot schmotato territory.

Taijuan Walker – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.15. All I’ll say is the Nats are not trying to win.

Josiah Gray – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.65. Hey, what’s up bartender at *reading sign over the bar* The Talibar in downtown Kabul, would you watch my Shasta while I go to the bathroom? Thanks, amigo! *five hours later* Whoa, did I fall asleep? Why’s it so drafty in here, and why is that guy carrying away my kidney? AHHH!!! Roofie!

Lane Thomas – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two days, and not the first time I told you recently he’s been hot. Stay in your lane, Lane! You’re not supposed to be good–Wait a second, he’s an ex-Cardinals hitter. Of course, he’s going to be great. Any hoo! Thomas is a hot schmotato.

Josh Bell – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .254. Solid year for his draft price, so don’t take this the wrong way, but I thought he’d be higher on the Player Rater than around the 20th best first baseman.

Marcus Semien – 1-for-3 and his 35th homer. We’re all gonna be throwing good money after bad next year. Said a’la Menace II Society, “You know this, right?” ACKUALLY Semien’s been so good this year, he deserves to be known as Marcus II Semien in honor of the greatest movie ever. Robbie Ray too–Excuse me, Robbie Ray II. And Cake Batter aka Vlad Jr. How did the Jays have so many great years and still come up way short? If they don’t make the playoffs, they’re gonna go home with a team that’s at least as good as whatever team wins the NL East.

Robbie Ray – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.60. If he didn’t already get two ledes this year, he might’ve got his third today. Guess that’s what happens when you’re in the Cy Young race.

Alejandro Kirk – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. You heard of Beast Mode? Alejandro Kirk looks like he’s at a buffet in Feast Mode.

Cole Irvin – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.10. It’s a bad week to quit sniffing glue.

Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Ozzie Albies (1-for-5) hit his 26th homer, and he also has two homers in two games; Austin Riley (1-for-2, 3 RBIs) hit his 29th homer and Adam Duvall (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 31st homer, and both hit another home run in their next game. Sorry, should’ve said spoiler alert.

Gary Sanchez – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer. You did them dirty, Sanchez!

Cedric Mullins – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (25) and legs (26). Also, in this game, Austin Hays (2-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 15th homer. Hays has been surprisingly decent. It’s just comparing him to Cedric Mullins, when “surprisingly decent” is like you’re describing a usually-naked grandfather who has put on pants.

Adrian Houser – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.41. More like Adrian wowser! See what I did there? It wasn’t that complex. Not sure how you missed it. His peripherals: 6.9 K/9, 3.9 BB/9, 4.32 FIP. More like Adrian bowser! I did it again. Yeah, he’s a Streamonator pick, at best.

Pablo Reyes – 2-for-2 and his 1st homer. He’s replacing Wong, who’s on paternity list, so Reyes is filling in for Wong because Wong was filling in something else nine moths ago.

Tyler O’Neill – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. O’Neill is the kinda of hitter who I’m surprised doesn’t have 30 homers, no matter what time a year it is. Kinda like Franmil.

Giovanny Gallegos – 1 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.46, and the Hold. Ha, yeah, that stat needs work if that’s a Hold. Any hoo! Gallegos loaded the bases and The Shildt Head brought in Alex Reyes (0 IP, 1 ER), who he replaced as closer because he hasn’t been good. How do you do that? How do you say, “Ya know what, I want the reliever who is struggling the most?” How does that happen? Sure, Gallegos loaded the bases, but you let him get out of it or bring in someone else. Anyone else! Reyes, who was just removed from the closer role, is not who you bring in. As for who will close the next game? I’d go to Gallegos again, but maybe it will be Genesis Cabrera.

Aaron Civale – Will be activated from the IL on Tuesday. I saw one site say, “Civale should be rostered in all fantasy leagues moving forward,” and I had to think on that for a second, is that accurate? Then I looked at his stats, and, no, he doesn’t need to be rostered in all fantasy leagues. When I wrote this, he wasn’t included yet in the Streamonator, but I bet it won’t even like his first start back.

Franmil Reyes -4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, and 2nd in as many games. I am emotionally invested in the $54 Vending Machine Steak getting to 30 homers, and I’m not even sure why. I just need something to believe in, I guess.

Tanner Houck – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.26. Houck three times if you’re being sent down in another roster move. On the reals, Houck has been sent down July 29th, August 8th, August 13th and August 18th. He’s not actually pitched in the minors since July 10th.

Nick Pivetta – Hit the Covid IL. The Red Sox keep getting positive cases on their team. Makes sense why it seems they’re testing only one player a day. If they tested everyone, they’d have no team.

Kutter Crawford – 2 IP, 5 ER, as he was called up. And his out pitch is a cutter. Guess he should be glad his parents didn’t name him, Intentionalwalk. Would’ve been nice if his folks just, um, cut to the chase and named him, Immaculateinning. Crawford had elbow issues for most of his professional career, which accounts for his low inning totals in the minors. His velocity touches 95 with two breaking pitches and appears to be an up-and-down arm, that would stick if he commands his pitches.

A.J. Pollock – Hit the IL with a Grade 2 hamstring strain. That’s a serious hamstring strain that might sideline him for the year. Or it’s a hamstring strain that knows it’s multiplication tables. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.

Walker Buehler – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.31. Robbie Ray watching the Buehler start, “This guy gives pants-that-are-so-tight-I-can-see-ass-moles a bad name.”

Luis Patino – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.65. Visual image of that stream: *Grey’s just out of focus and falling further away*

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer. Also, in this game, Austin Meadows (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit a homer. You know The Price Is Right game where you have to match the price with the product? If I gave you 33 and 23 homer totals, would you be able to match them to the right player between Lowe and Meadows?

Casey Mize – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.51, as he becomes an Opener the rest of the year to limit his innings. He’s gonna be such an easy ignore for 2022. Wherever he’s being drafted will be too high.

Marco Gonzales – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.25. This logically makes no sense, but the Diamondbacks at home scares me. Am I alone? Whoa, it’s Existential Grey.

Tyler Gilbert – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.12. *steps outside of self, whispers into own ear* Grey, hey, you look handsome, so to avoid frown lines, don’t look at Gilbert and imagine how you would’ve been better off with him over the last month than anyone else you’ve streamed.

Dinelson Lamet – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.50. This is neither here nor there for fantasy, but I saw Lamet was pitching in relief on Saturday, and I totally forgot the Padres never sent him for surgery. What a waste of a whole year for Lamet. So, what’s next year for him? More of the same? Is he now “pitch for 25 IP in relief then hit the IL for two months” guy? Because that guy sucks.

Chris Paddack – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, zero walks and zero strikeouts, ERA at 4.95. Streamed him yesterday in one league, and I can’t believe how uneasy I felt about streaming Paddack at home. Man, this guy has fallen so far.

Jake Cronenworth – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th homer. About three months ago, I traded Jake Diekman for Yoan Moncada. On paper, I still do that trade without a seconds thought. How’sever, I dropped Cronenworth to add Moncada on my team, and Cronenworth has been about 120 spots better on the Player Rater. As with my face during puberty, I would’ve been better not picking at it.

Jose Suarez – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.74. He didn’t want to be good, he was made to be good so at least one person can comment asking me if they should pick up Suarez and I’ll think they mean Ranger when they mean Jose. So, is Jose Suarez good? Think he might be better than Ranger in the big picture (pitcher?). J. Suarez is only 23 years old and he’s completely ready, having logged a ton of minor league innings. For this year, it’s all about the Streamonator for him (and most).

Janson Junk – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, as he made his first start. Could be worse. He could be actual junk like Andrew Heaney.

Jo Adell – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Don’t want to overstate things, but this is officially his best major league game ever. Fire up more where that came from!

DJ Peters – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .204. Grabbed him last Sunday in one deep league FAAB, and got three homers this week and now he has nine homers in the last five weeks. Play me that same song again all month, DJ.

Trevor Rogers – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.52. Is Mattingly too busy drawing a mustache on his mirror so he looks handsome again to realize he needs to shut down Rogers? It’s over. You’ve been out of the race since May. Shut him down!

Freddy Galvis – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Best part about Galvis is he gets super hot for a week at a time. The 2nd best part is you can beat someone in your H2H playoffs with Freddy Galvis, which will totally piss them off.

Ranger Suarez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.38. Just give him the Cy Young. You think I’m joking–Okay, I am, but right now he has the same number of innings as Trevor Bauer threw in 2020, and a better ERA. The Dodgers gave that schmohawk how much money? Bauer wouldn’t be looking at possible jail time for assault if he were already in jail for robbing the Dodgers.