Them Crooked Save Vultures Are Back On Tour

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH OR $13/MONTH WITH AN EXTRA WEEKLY PODCAST.)

This is The Save Vulture Dance. Sing it like it’s The Electric Slide.

[spoken word intro]
The save vulture is a scavenger bird. They see weakness in others’ misfortune. A closer goes down or struggles or gets traded and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff. And if you don’t give up, or give in, you may just be okay…OKAY!

[lyrics]
Snap, snap, Giovanny Gallegos, Genesis Cabrera, Alex Reyes, claw, claw, save.
Save vultures aren’t reproducin’ cuz they’re uze overweight guys,
Preferin’ to watch sports highlights than listen to the girl they’re datin’. Sighs.
Snap, snap, Joe Barlow, Spencer Patton, claw, claw, save.
The save vulture’s claws are orange from Cheetos dust,
The orange reminds them of all that Orioles’ fuss.
Snap, snap, Cole Sulser, Tyler Wells, No One Because The O’s Won’t Win, claw, claw, save.
Teams that flipped their closers for prospects at the trading deadline and are now losin’,
They still haven’t figured out who’s closin’.
Snap, snap, Paul Sewald, Drew Steckenrider, Kyle Finnegan, Dylan Floro…*huff, huff, out of breath* …keep on going!…Anthony Bender, David Bednar, Carlos Estevez, Chris Stratton, Codi Heuer, Rowan Wick, claw, claw, save.
Guys who have just sucked and teams needed to look elsewhere,
Desperate, you look like Walter White in his underwear,
Snap, snap, Emmanuel Clase, Adam Ottavino, Johnny Lasagna, Andrew Chafin, Sergio Romo, claw, claw, save.

[spoken word outro]
Now ya know, if you need saves in the final month. [sax plays us out] Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaves. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Keibert Ruiz – Just gave you my Keibert Ruiz fantasy. It was written while grinding my teeth at a dentist convention just to spite them.

Jorge Alfaro – He’s been hot and playing every day in the outfield, which is hilariously awful. Wonky Analogy Alert! The Marlins have five Lamborghinis parked in front of their house but no money to buy gas to drive them. Someone who owns a gas station walks up and offers to trade them a gas station for one of their Lambos. The Marlins refuse and continue to sit with their cars in the driveway. You’ll still have four Lambos, trade a starter for an outfielder!

Connor Joe – If you can look at Connor Joe’s name and not automatically sing, “Where’d you come from where’d you go, Connor-eyed Joe?” You’re a better man than me. If you can get a sliced-up orange in a sushi restaurant and not call it “orange-gami,” you’re also a better man than me.

Bobby Dalbec – Told you a week ago to pick him up in my Bobby Dalbec fantasy, so, if you haven’t yet, you’re in a coma. Sorry, don’t shoot the messenger.

Brad Miller – Robin Williams in Jumanji, “What year is it?”

Yoshi Tsutsugo – Told a long, drawn-out story on this week’s podcast about how Tsutsugo screwed me this year in an NL-Only league. Wasn’t worth recounting there, so not sure why I’m telling you now, other than to say he hurt me soul, Lupe Fiasco. Any hoo! Tsutsugo has been hot (for him) this week.

Frank Schwindel – Wayne, “Have you seen Frank’s hot hitting?” Garth, “Schwingdel.”

Edmundo Sosa – This guy reminds me of Aledmys Diaz, another ex-Cardinals player who had a few decent seasons (months?). Sosa doesn’t have any real speed, but he’s got 17-ish homer power and makes contact, so he might sneak into a decent average.

Jace Peterson – Know he’s been hot on and off for what feels like a couple of months, so wasn’t sure how well he was performing over the course of the season, and, well, he’s been hot and off for a couple months, but his season-long numbers are pretty yawnstipating.

Carter Kieboom – The one they call not by his name but by a bomb onomatopoeia.

Yu Chang – “You know what I wanna hear, right?” “Whatchu wanna hear?” “I wanna hear that Yu Chang joint.” “Yu Chang again?” “Ah, yeah, again and again!” The Guardians’ infielder is still showing up respectively in the 7-day Player Rater.

Derek Hill – Shame the Astros got rid of the hill in center field. Would’ve been nice to see D. Hill go up the hill for the meta-ness of it. By the way, that anyone ever thought it was a good idea to put a hill in center field is pretty hilarious in retrospect. How about a moat in left with alligators?

Brandon Marsh – This guy’s been hot, but also has real speed, so run, Brandon, run.

Bradley Zimmer – When you get to the third straight week of recommending a guy and he’s still on waivers in 95% of leagues, well, do me a favor and continue to ignore Bra-Zi.

Leody Taveras – When you compared Leody’s 2020 and 2021 seasons, he looks amazing (if you only look at one week in August).

Akil Baddoo – He’s a Baddoo Baddoo man! And he’s also hot, so rev up the engines on your finger you use to pick up guys off the waiver wire.

Ian Happ – I’m not shoving my head ostrich-like into the sand, but, if you throw out his average, and look at his last 162 games, Happ actually hasn’t been awful. Not great, don’t get me wrong, but far from Cody Belanger-esque.

Jake Meyers – Was surprised to see how well Meyers’s been doing across two levels of pro ball — 19/11/.330-ish (I ain’t doing the math). He’s a bit old to never see any real playing time previously, but, with 2020 throwing out the minor league season, you gotta take player’s promotion date with a grain of salt.

DJ Peters – This guy’s recent hot streak is screaming hot schmotato and five years from now he will be screaming into a mic at a 160-pound, 13-year-old Eugene Bernstein’s bar mitzvah.

LaMonte Wade Jr. – Don’t believe the Giants’ clubhouse is the home of a genie making every player way better than they have any right to be? Wade’s previous high in power at any level was nine homers in Rookie Ball in 2015. He’s nearing 20 homers in the majors.

Jesus Sanchez – Obviously this is for this week and a hot bat is a hot bat is a hot bat, which sounds like a salesman at a wet market, but Sanchez is on a short list for a sleeper post for next year. Needs to get his Ks in order, but the power is big-time.

Madison Bumgarner – This is a Streamonator call. A MadiSON call, if you will. Like the call it makes to Dionne Warwick’s manager.

Nick Pivetta – This is also a Streamonator call. “I saw a flyer that said Ms. Dionne Warwick is looking for roadies, and because she knows what friends are for, I wish to volunteer my services.”

SELL

Francisco Lindor – Guys (and five ladies), the first two rounds this year were brutal. Gerrit Cole and Walker Buehler were actually decent picks vs. some of these bats, but before you even think it, deGrom’s been out for four months, and Lucas Giolito, Shane Bieber, Trevor Bauer, Yu Darvish and Aaron Nola were all varying levels of garbage, so don’t tell me pitchers are safer. Was just a very weird year for early bats and arms. Major Pitfall Harrys everywhere you looked. Even if you nailed Tildaddy or Fun, they both missed time. Okay, when I recap in October, I will go further into all this. Today, it’s about Lindor, who you can finally give a thumbs down, but not as in booing him, but as in Gladiator, and cut him from your team. If this is a keeper league, then I could see going to Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and exploring options, but I’d prolly even take a gold cursive name necklace studded with cubic zirconia for him, and I don’t wear jewelry.

Mike Trout – On the Player Rater, he is as valuable as Tony Santillan. Now, I will cackle for 45 minutes until I’m dragged away by a team of nurses. If Mike Trout is going to go amongst the missing, the least he could’ve done was dress in all stripes so we could’ve had fun trying to pick him out of a crowd. Someone with some Photoshop skills take the Spiderman pointing at himself picture and label one Mike Trout and the other one, Cody Belanger. By the way, in a month of playing, Trout still did more than Cody Bellinger in four! Call back the nurses to drag me out of here! I’m done! If this is a keeper league, then I could see going to Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and exploring options with Trout, if you can find him. Look for the stripes.