Okay, let me get this straight so I can fully understand. Robbie Ray puts on some gotchies that are three sizes too small so you can see homeboy’s birth marks on his asscheeks and then he becomes elite? Fine, then I’m gonna try and write wearing jeans shorts, jorts if you will, that are too small. Ready? Here we go! Robbie…The button is digging into my FUPA! The pockets are chafing my upper thighs! Ugh, I can’t get them off! Oh my God, I’m calling 911! I can’t feel my knees! Help me! “Hello, can you spare Chris Sale? I need him to cut something off me. Hello?! Help!” So, Robbie Ray went 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.72. On the Player Rater, he’s around a top ten starter. Can Robbie Ray do that in 2022 fantasy? In short, yes. In long, yeeeeeeeeeeees. He has a 11.3 K/9 and 2.3 BB/9. That’s an ace. Can he repeat the command? That’s the real trick, but as soon as someone shows a skill, I’m not going to take it from them. It’s not like this is a 20 IP sample. He’s done this for 150+ IP. Yes, Robbie Ray appears to be legit. As long as he never lets out his inseam. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Cavan Biggio – Diagnosed with a Grade 1 UCL sprain, and is considered week-to-week. This gives more at-bats to Santiago Espinal, which sounds like me asking someone named Santiago if they speak Spanish.
Alex Bregman – 2-for-5 as he was activated from the IL. About to put on a newsie hat with a pencil behind my ear, and go ask Bregman if he saw Mike Trout during his two month IL stint. Don’t all IL guys hang out together? Does it seem like I’m grasping at straws? Maybe it’s because I’ve been replacing Mike Trout in my lineup with Myles Straw!
Martin Maldonado – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. He only has 30 RBIs on the year. Pretty sad stuff. Bregman has 35 RBIs! Oh, Bregman only has seven homers though. And Bregman was drafted about 400 spots before Maldonado. Hmm, this isn’t the own I thought it was.
Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-5 and his 26th homer, and, because I had the stupid RBIs page open, Yordan has 86 RBIs. That’s six more than Salvador Perez. I hear you screaming about how Perez is a catcher and gets less ABs. Bzzt, wrongo! Perez has about 70 more ABs than Captain Woo Cubano.
Salvador Perez – 1-for-4 and his 34th homer, hitting .272. Even though I threw some shade Perez’s way in the last blurb, he genuinely has had an insanely great year. Not sure I’ve ever seen such a big difference on the Player Rater between a top player at a position and the runner-up as Salvador Perez and the next best catcher. It’s a similar difference as Tatis and Jorge Polanco, only Polanco is the 5th best shortstop, not 2nd.
Whit Merrifield – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .280, and, since I had the Player Rater open. Whit is the top outfielder, but isn’t even the top 2nd baseman! Yes, outfield is stupid shallow this year.
Mike Minor – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.30. Solid start, considering it was in Houston, and they scare the bejesussanchez out of me. Streamonator likes Minor’s next start, and you got some large pants grapes if you can start him.
Jack Flaherty – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. That sucks, but now they should feed his shoulder chicken soup and build him up so he’s good to go in 2022.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 3 runs, and a double slam (20, 21) and legs (10). Au Pair Shizz!
Matthew Boyd – Could return this Sunday. He would be returning from elbow discomfort, so I predict a Sunday start of 1 1/3 IP, 4 ER and leaving with a trainer.
Tarik Skubal – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.01. Mize has a better season-long ERA, but to say I’m 1000% gonna be in on Skubal over Mize next year is a gross(man) understatement.
Ian Anderson – Expected to return this Sunday. Never a Tull moment with this guy.
Zack Wheeler – 8 IP, 5 ER (2 more unearned), 10 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.90. Zack Wheeler even went into the 9th inning, and gave up a three-run homer to Francisco Mejia. I tell you all this to see if you can guess what impersonation Wheeler was doing. Oh, close! He was pretending to be a pitcher in the 1970s. Solid impersonation once you know what he was doing.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. Was talking about him being in the MVP conversation only a few weeks ago, so don’t take this the wrong way, but what happened to this guy’s actual ceiling? He used to be a 40+ homer, .450 OBP threat.
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-4 and his 27th homer, hitting .247. He only hits 1-for-4’s with a home run, but the math doesn’t check out. He should be hitting .250 with 126 homers.
Noah Syndergaard – Expected to begin a rehab assignment. If I even mention drafting a starter returning from Tommy John surgery next year, someone Venmo me a slap.
Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Mets are doing that thing now where they lose even when their starter out-pitches the other team’s pitcher. Good to see the Mets getting back to basics.
Kris Bryant – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 23rd homer. Member when I said when he was traded his production was going to fall off? Yeah, I was wrong as wrong gets.
Blake Snell – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.58. Someone asked yesterday if I’d start Snell @LAD, and I said no, then continued to think that the rest of the day. If I had known he was actually in San Diego, I would’ve said yes. He’s been great all year in San Diego. I wouldn’t have said he was going to throw 122 pitches though. Did something happen after the game started to Jayce Tingler?
Edward Cabrera – 61/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.26 as he debuted. Just gave you my Edward Cabrera fantasy. It had all the trimmings off the floor of a Supercuts. I watched his entire start yesterday, and my Blink thoughts are: He looked great, but it means nothing. Oh, I think he’ll be solid, but last night he wasn’t wild or missing bats, which is what his trademark will likely be for this year, at least.
Josiah Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.75. If you would’ve just seen the score for most of the game, 2-0 Marlins, you’d think Gray was being out-pitched, and, you’d be right. Cabrera’s final line doesn’t seem as good as Gray, but Cabrera was much better looking.
Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. Lower your head I want to put some knowledge into your ear…Neutral luck and Bell is a 25-homer, .260 guy, which isn’t *that* bad.
Bryse Wilson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.35. That’s his third of four starts that was decent for his new club. Do I trust him now? Uh…well…hmm…No.
Pavin Smith – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Yeah, okay, but he was hitting third, so you know the Dbags be crackers. Also, Ketel Marte (1-for-5) is hitting .350 still. I know he’s been out a lot, but damn.
Hansel Robles – 1 IP, 4 ER, 2 points to the sky, ERA at 5.47. Robles brought out his patented point-to-the-sky like he’s motioning for fielders to catch a fly ball, when the ball is actually leaving the yard. It’s both funny and maddening. He’s so munny!
Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .266. Hey, it’s Mr. One Week In June.
Jorge Polanco – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .274. Not to freak anyone out with what they think they know vs. what they actually know, but Jorge Polanco is a top 20 player overall on the Player Rater.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-5 and his 22nd homer, a 495-foot homer that left Fenway in center field. An absolute moonshot, and I very much dispute 495 feet. You telling me a ball that goes out in center that is so deep that people in the Monster seats don’t even turn their head and it’s less than 500 feet? Please. They’re guessing. That ball went 600 feet easy and into the Gold’s Gym I used to go to in college where Peter Wolf would be on the treadmill with an unlit cigarette in his mouth.
Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.38. Ya know what I’d like to know? Who has the most ten-strikeout, zero-walk games? That’s a mark of a great pitcher. That gets my jujubes bubbling!
C.J. Cron – 1-for-7 and his 22nd homer. A road homer is a nice surprise. “I felt very at home in Wrigley,” said Chicago Jazz Cron.
Brendan Rodgers – 4-for-9, 6 RBIs. Rodgers isn’t having a terrible season. Also, Rodgers isn’t having a great season. The broad expanse between great and terrible. It’s called The Rodgers.
Connor Joe – 2-for-7, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .292. Sometimes a guy comes along that is so special. So extraordinary. So Connor Joe-like. He can only be one guy. The one. The only. Dancing spotlights on a NBA court. Connor…Where’d he come from where’d he go, Joe!
Daniel Bard – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.19. “A pitcher by any other name would be much sweeter, because: Have you ever heard anyone talk about what a great pitcher Shakespeare was?” Famous quote by someone who rostered Bard in a league.
Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-7, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, which came off of Gomber. You get the feeling the Cubs don’t care if they win or lose, but you get the idea their opponent, the Rockies, are trying to win while losing. Uplifting stuff right there.
Ian Happ – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (15) and legs (2), hitting .198. To give you an idea of what a mess the Cubs are, Happ hit third in the 2nd game, and didn’t even start in the 1st game, and it made more sense for him to not play than hit third.
Adam Morgan – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.50, and his 1st save since 2018. The Cubs are using their bullpen like this, “We’re not going to help any of you get more money in arbitration, so we’re just going to let whoever the bottle stops spinning on to close games.”
Austin Romine – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Austin Romine was in the lineup with his brother, Andrew. These Romine brothers are so gracious, all they keep saying is, “Lettuce entertain you.” The Romines are known for their crisp play, and no matter how late in the year it is, they always keep it fresh. Though, it is odd how they call the baseball season a “harvest” and, one other weird thing of note, Ortega was batting in front of the brothers, and usually the lettuce goes on top of the taco shell.
Franmil Reyes – 1-for-3 and his 23rd homer. Have this $54 Vending Machine Steak in only one league, and have too much offense in that league already, but would still love to see him get hot and finish the year with 35 homers. I *heart emoji that is covered in lucite so it doesn’t get broken* Franmil.
Oscar Mercado – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. I was in the market for an Oscar about two years ago. No longer.
Zach Plesac – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.78. Wow, a pretty bleh start vs. an extremely terrible team. Cool story, brah.
Triston McKenzie – Hit the IL with shoulder fatigue. I heard he was doing a lot of weight training to strengthen himself, curling five dumbbells at once, but later found out he was curling a stack of five David Bell trading cards.