Reds Can’t Do Zagreb Against Sproatia

Mad Libs’ing Brewers starters into the lede. (Brewers pitcher) is (adjective) because the Brewers’ (noun) who (verb) (noun) and (verb) (noun) who can’t be (verb)! Kyle Harrison–No, not today. Brandon Woodruff–Haha, that was yesterday! Brandon Sproat? Yep! Here we go! Mad Libs commence! Brandon Sproat is awesome because the Brewers’ coaches turn pitching mounds into sand castles and turns those into aces who can’t be stopped. Yesterday, Brandon Sproat went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.43. Up until yesterday, I can tell you off top of my head, he had a .000 or under batting average against in the first four innings and a .750+ BAA for the fifth inning on. You know things are crazy when I begging for an Opener. Sproat was an preseason favorite because he can be good and we know the Brewers can turn pitchers into God. He’s pitching much better than his ERA and his 9.4 K/9, 4.1 BB/9 is just begging for his command to come down so he can turn into the newest Brewers ace. I believe, but I’d only monocle for now in shallower leagues. By the way, another Mad Libs you can do is Dubrovnik or Split would’ve worked too in the title. Croatia filled with real ‘can’t do’ metropolises. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Luis Rengifo – Released by the Brewers. Don’t worry, RenHeads. He’ll get at least a look by the Rockies, then go back to the Angels.

Nick Lodolo – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.59, and easily his best start, but left after taking a 107 MPH comebacker off his hand, because nice things were not meant for us.

Elly De La Cruz – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “You like these shoes? They’re not mine. I went bowling the other day and forget to give them back.”

Kodai Senga – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 10.08. Mets are a wild organization. They know Senga is broken and they’re like, “I know how to make him better, by starting him repeatedly!”

Juan Soto – Left the game with supposed back spasms. Meh, when has anything ever turned out worse than believed with the Mets?

Francisco Alvarez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .257. Member when we thought he’d be good, seemingly forgetting he was on the Mets?

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .287. PCA broke out this month. Yes, he was great last year, but struggled last 2nd half and to start this year. Without this month, he was iffy at best. This month solidified him.

Edward Cabrera – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 5.10. Almost as broken as Senga and EdCab hit the IL after the game. Yes, still less borked than Senga.

Justin Steele – Cubs said he won’t start games this season. Man of Steele’s kryptonite is pitching, apparently.

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .189. Unless a guy has top 25 ability (think Machado), I don’t think you need to hold a hitter who has less than 15+ homers or steals and a sub-.200 average as far along as the middle of the season (where we be at).

Mick Abel – His MRI on Monday revealed no structural damage. What a relief, his rehab that’s dragged on for six weeks led to an MRI on his elbow that showed he’s not completely broken. Great.

Victor Caratini – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Because I’m working on the Buy column for the Patreon, I know Caratini has been hot for the last week.

Brooks Lee – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .238. Refuse to think about how Brooks Lee has twice as many homers as Tatis and Vlad Jr. combined. Not thinking about it!

Justin Wrobleski – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.71. Eric Lauer has something like a 2.50 ERA with the Dodgers; Wrobleski is a Cy Young guy. Nope! Nothing fishy there! “We consider this matter closed!” That’s Manfred investigating anything with the Dodgers.

Lucas Giolito – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. It’s night, my liege, take a sleep.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Same number of homers as Colt Keith hit in one game! We’re cooking now!

Jung Hoo Lee – 2-for-3 and a slam (5) and legs (5), hitting .331. Giants have two guys competing for the NL batting title, and four over-performing hitters, and they’re still a mess of a team. Well played, Tonnato Vitello.

Robbie Ray – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.70. Nothing in his underlying numbers suggest he’s performing better than his ERA. Actually, much worse. Yes, he’s merely lucky to be bad and not awful.

Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.95. Gray’s solid (thx) but this was a showcase put on by the Dodgers to see if they want to trade for him.

Wilyer Abreu -2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his a slam (10) and legs (6), hitting .279. Red Sox hitting: Actually not bad in Coors.

Ezequiel Tovar – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .212. He’s one of the worst hitters in baseball this year, even with Coors. There’s likely a term paper to be done for Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston on why Tovar became so terrible.

Ryan Johnson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 8.84. He saw his name in the box score as R. Johnson and said to himself, “I’m ready to kill pigeons and take names and I don’t see any pigeons.”

Shane Baz – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.31. Bazung. (It’s past tense, as in he’s past time, but not as in the national pastime.)

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.27. Held tightly to schmohawks like Jack Leiter and EdCab when I should’ve held onto EdRod and 38 Special’d EdCab and others by holding on loosely.

Kyle Leahy – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Been starting Leahy weekly in a deep league and happy about it, but I wouldn’t even Streamonator him in a shallow league.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 4.39. I don’t know this for a fact, but I do believe Luzardo is the active leader of 6+ inning starts of five or more runs.

Bryson Stott – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (15), hitting .241. Brad Lord was down to the final out to close it out for the Nats, but then out of nowhere, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away a victory, as he returned to Brad My Lord he sucks (2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.31)

Brandon Marsh – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .315. Brandon Marsh is in the lead for a few things. 1) I can’t believe how nasty he must smell with that beard. It’s the summer, and it’s humid, does he bathe? Does he smell like rotten chicken? Why would he do that to himself and others? His name is Marsh, and he looks like he has swamp ass. 2) He’s higher on the Player Rater than I ever imagined he’d be. 3) There’s no 3.

Luis Garcia Jr. – 1-for-1, 2 runs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and yesterday’s was a pinch-hit homer because the Nats refuse to play him every day. It’s almost like if he did worse vs. righties, he’d play more vs. lefties. He’s excels too much!

Shane Bieber – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks as he was activated from the IL. It’s been a rollercoaster of injuries for Bieber in the past two years, if a rollercoaster only went down then down further. Been so long, I forgot all he’d been through, so I went and refreshed my cocktail of insight and read up on Bieber’s last two years. He had Tommy John surgery, that he returned from last August. Pitched well in his return, but then went into the offseason with forearm soreness, which is an awful sign, then, while being brought along slowly in the spring, he had elbow soreness. It’s a lot. His minor league numbers from this year are bad (7.4 K/9, 2.7 BB/9), but he might not have been throwing at 100% to save himself. All of this is to say I have no idea what to expect, but recent results have been iffy at best.

Anthony Santander – Could resume baseball activities soon. That includes scratching one’s junk and spitting.

Daulton Varsho – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .262. He’s Mr. Prorater’s favorite player. Won’t play a full season, but if you prorate his numbers out, they look fine.

Yainer Diaz – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. There’s a name I have not thought about for a while. Three homers? A’la Robin Williams in Jumanji, “What month is it?”

Cam Smith – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Jordan Walker and Cam Smith were locked together as rookies, and their struggles paralleled each other, and this year Jordan Walker was like, “Peace, I’m outta here!”

Randy Arozarena – 0-for-4, 3 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I can watch your child for a few minutes. Does he like whisky?”

George Kirby – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.94. So, I think I have a better idea of what the M’s mean by piggybacking a starter. This week they’re piggybacking Gilbert and Hancock. They will piggyback a starter once a week, but not every starter every start.

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. He’s hitting .164. Ass, indeed.

Cole Young – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Borderline schmotato, who I still like a bit more than it’s likely warranted.

Kahlil Watson – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Reminds me of Khalil Greene, one of the ugliest players ever. “Hold my mirror.” That’s Devin Mesoraco. Watson had a 12/15/.255 Triple-A in 56 games, but a 28 K%, which means he won’t make enough contact for us, outside of AL-Only. But, hey, he’s not ugly!

Parker Messick – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.67. Guy’s matchups-proof as a rookie. C’mon, that’s butter. You have to admit butter when you see it. He’s butter! Not butter? How dare you not recognize butter.

Miguel Vargas – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .237. As the White Sox take sole possession of the AL Central’s lead, knocking out the Guards for the first time in Jose Ramirez’s career. No, that might not be right. But I’m going on vibes. You can’t argue with vibes.

Sean Burke – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.71. He sounds like a pocketbook designer, doesn’t he? “I got a new Sean Burke, do you like it?” That’s Cougs after spending $300. Streamonator hates his next one, but I’d buy it for a dollar, not for $300.

Owen Caissie – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 3rd homer in a week. Grabbed him as a batty call yesterday, so boo-ya to me. I grabbed him because he’s flippin’ hot, ain’t that deep.

Joe Mack – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Kinda love the Marlins home run celebration in the dugout after each player returns. I didn’t notice it until Heriberto Hernandez (2-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 8th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Marlins players get back to the dugout and drink milk like in the Indy 500, only it’s out of a milk carton that has a missing photo of Agustin Ramirez.

Sandy Alcantara – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.01. Going by current trends, Sandy’s going to be awful in July. Guy’s doing Monthlyhagenmetrics over here.

Jack Leiter – Had ankle surgery. He said the problem appeared while he was doing a doody on the mound.

Joc Pederson – 3-for-5 and his 10th homer, hitting .242. His 2025 was one of the weirdest years in retrospect (9 HRs, .181). Seemed completely done, but clearly is not.

Brandon Nimmo – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Nimmo found one!

Shane McClanahan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.30, but four more unearned runs for the box scare! You know how bad you must be struggling to even give up four unearned runs to the Royals right now? They have one hitter in their lineup.

Junior Caminero – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .281. Wonder if he ever considered going by Jr. Caminero. That would be rad.

Maikel Garcia – Hit the IL with a hand muscle strain. One final indignation, he waits until after your weekly lineups lock. Without Witt, the Royals’ lineup looks a gondolier in Venice — one Italian in the middle trying to keep things afloat amongst garbage.

Cole Ragans – Headed for elbow surgery. Prolly needed it for the last 18 months. Teams should be fined for malpractice for how long they delay inevitable surgeries. Fine everyone! Make them pay! Send me the fine money to hold in escrow. I will watch it.

Nick Loftin – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Jac Caglianone – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer. Dude’s on such an insane heater. Now nine homers this month. Should’ve mentioned this the other day, Caglianone is having a Star Mitzvah this season. Don’t need a deejay, LeMahieu will be spinning and Caglianone will be the world’s 2nd Italian Jew — a pizza bagel. After yours truly, of course.

Casey Mize – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.95. Welp, how long do we have to wait to learn he’s still injured? Today? Tomorrow? After his next start?

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Jazz got in trouble yesterday when his manager, Boone, found out he was sucking on a lollipop in Monday’s game. Don’t ask exactly how Boone missed that Jazz was sucking on said lollipop during the game that Boone was supposed to be watching. Man, if I were Boone, I would’ve been like, “Yeah, of course I saw it. I love lollies. I’m basically the Tootsie Owl up in this beeyatch!” How do you admit to not looking at field for an entire lolli-sucking? Boone then said he was not happy when he heard about the lollipop. Yeah, only tobacco in his players’ cheeks. No sugary treats! Boone is not watching the games, because he’s too busy watching dentist Tiktoks about cavities.