O’s Celebrate Cuatro De Mayo with Mayo, Royals Celebrate with Homers

Ramon Urias injured his hammy, and what goes with a moan over hammy? Mayo! Put some egg yolks in a jar and a squeeze of lemon with some neutral-tasting oil and shake! What’s you got? Mayo! What’s the state condiment of Indiana? Mayo! Mayo! Mayo! Coby Mayo is here and he’s–[ten days later, Ramon Urias returns and Coby Mayo is sent back to the minors]–crap. I kid. Maybe. Actually, prolly not kidding. Insert an emoji that can’t handle truth but keeps asking to hear it. So, Coby Mayo is up, and it might be for two weeks, I don’t know. Honestly, no one knows, don’t ask people questions no one knows the answer to. In the minors, Mayo had a ridiculous six homers in 28 games. He’s basically a 35+ homer guy twiddling his thumbs in the minors–Majors now! And you can grab him, why not? It’s Cinco freakin’ de Mayo! Meanwhile, the Royals destroyed the Mayo spread. First up, Maikel Garcia (3-for-5) hit his 3rd and 4th homer. That’s preseason sleeper, Maikel Garcia! Next up, Jonathan India (2-for-5) hit his 1st homer. Also, in this game, Luke Maile (1-for-3) hit his 1st homer. Maile/India’s homers were to celebrate the release of the film, Calcutta, on laser disc. Not be outdone with getting off the schneid, Michael Massey (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st homer. Maybe one day he’ll steal a bag too! Then, there’s Vinnie Pasquantino (3-for-5) who hit his 6th homer. What’s legit wild on Pasketti is, when he gets into one, he looks like a 40-homer hitter. Reality is he might not hit 40 in three years combined. Finally, Bobby Witt Jr. (2-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 4th homer, because he felt like mocking those of us who drafted Gunnar Henderson. Thanks, Bobby! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jackson Holliday – 3-for-4 and his 3rd and 4th homer. You think his father, Matt, is like, “Are we sure this is my kid? I was much better for fantasy.” Also, in this game, Ryan O’Hearn (2-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in the week. O’Schmotato. Then Cedric Mullins (1-for-5) got into the act with his 7th homer, and, finally, Gunnar Henderson (2-for-4, 1 run) did not homer, naturally. Cool beans, Gunnar!

Kris Bubic – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.98. Streamonator says–I’m effin’ around! Who’s looking at matchups for a guy with a sub-2 ERA? Is your league really that shallow?

Triston Casas – Out for the year with a ruptured patellar tendon. I didn’t have him in any leagues, but this was still brutal news to hear for a guy who missed most of last year. That means he’s now missed two years in his prime. Gotta imagine he’s gonna be nothing but a flyer next year. Was about to say hopefully this doesn’t derail his entire career, but sadly I think it’s already derailed. So, Roman Anthony, right? Desperately, right?! Sawx called up Abraham Toro, which is such bull, and he’ll share 1st with Romy and Michelle Gonzalez.

Walker Buehler – Hit the IL with shoulder bursitis. Don’t worry, they have Hunter Dobbins (5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks on Saturday, ERA at 3.78), the house elf who served the Malfoy family. He seems pretty mediocre, i.e., leave that elf on the shelf.

Wilyer Abreu – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. That homer went 420 feet. “Nice.” — That’s Jon Singleton.

Garrett Crochet – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.02. Crochet is the best starter in baseball or nah? I think likely yah, but I guess Skubal is giving a run for Crochet’s yarn.

Byron Buxton – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer. The Bux stops [points over fences] there!

Anthony Volpe – Sat out after hearing a pop in his shoulder. No word if it was Coke or Pepsi.

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Some thought Yankee Stadium would boost his power, and maybe it still will, but right now he’s on pace for roughly same amount of homers as his new norm (20-25).

Taj Bradley – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 base runner, 1 K, ERA at 4.43. Do you get extra points if it’s a tough matchup? No? Oh, okay.

Jonathan Aranda – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. 2025 OPS leaders: Judge, Alonso, Bregman, Tatis, Ohtani then ARANDA!

Yordan Alvarez – Out of the lineup for two days with hand inflammation. Do you know how lame a season you have to be having to miss games when you’re the freakin’ DH? Only way this guy can top this news is if he waits until weekly lineups lock to announce an IL stint.

Lance McCullers Jr. – 3 2/3 IP, 0 ER, as he was activated. He recorded his 1st strikeout in 915 days. Guess what pitch it was on? I’ll give you one hint: He throws it so much it’s why he hadn’t done it in 915 days.

Zach Dezenzo – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Elias Sports Bureau said, “We think yesterday had the most guys hit their 1st homers of the year in May. Not 100% sure though because Steve spilled coffee on our hard drive.”

Andrew Heaney – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.18. That was an awesome two-start week. Thanks so much, Heaney, for reminding me why I hate you.

Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.83. Ya know what someone should invent? A way to know a Good Run is going to end.

Hyeseong Kim – 0-for-0, 1st steal, as he was called up by the Dodgers with Tommy Edman hitting the IL. He had five homers, 13 steals, hitting .257 with a 24.4 K%, but it was in the PCL, so that equates to, like, one homer, 13 steals and .177. He can run, that’s clear, and, well, between having no clear path to everyday at-bats (he didn’t even play this weekend without Edman around), and more than likely contact issues, I don’t think he’s going to be worthwhile in 12 team mixed leagues or shallower, but grab him if you need steals and/or have room.

Dustin May – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.36. Hitters seem so scared to face him, but now I’m thinking that’s because of the red hair and see-through skin.

Spencer Schwellenbach – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.92. I saw Bummer pitched after him and I thought, “That’s a little on the nose.”

Austin Riley – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer. Nice to see him return after last year’s miserable year. Shame he couldn’t have breadcrumbed a path for Olson, Acuña, Albies or Harris.

Corbin Burnes – Will miss at least one start due to his shoulder. MTV’s The Challenge Torey Luvollo are hopeful it’s only one start and he won’t need a stint on the IL. Sure, he doesn’t need his shoulder to throw, does he? MLB managers are so dumb you could lure one into an escape room and trap them there for the entire season. Now, that I think about it…[rubs hands together mischievously]

Brandon Pfaadt – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.79. Leave it to the Regression Fairies to Pfaadt shame.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 5.92. That’s better, and he should keep being better, i.e., there’s room to buy.

Geraldo Perdomo – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 steals (8, 9), hitting .292 and leadoff. Hot schmotato alert!

Shelby Miller – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.23, and his 2nd blown save. Shelby can do your income taxes, if you need a root canal, Shelby’s your man, but pumpin’ 99 and getting saves is not Shelby’s strong suit. It’s the name.

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.61. He’s not roping you in again, is he? He is? Oh, well, good luck with that!

Ranger Suarez – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER as he returned from the IL. Looks good as new! Who was his doctor, Frankenstein or Kervorkian? So, I obviously wouldn’t start him until I saw a decent start. With his return, Taijuan Walker was moved to the pen. Fun fact! Tijuana Walker sounds like a Jimmy Buffett song.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Did he have yet another baby? Bryce Harper has more kids than Warren Jeffs.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer. Wait until June when he hits 70 homers in the month.

Jose Alvarado – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.18. I’m pretty sure the Phils have lost their closer to ineffectiveness once a month for the last ten years.

Shota Imanaga – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.82, but left the game with a hamstring strain. Filed under, We Can’t Have Anything Nice.

Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.18, but left nursing a groin issue. Better if someone else is nursing your groin, just for future reference.

Sal Frelick – Left the game with a knee issue. Too bad it’s not Sal Freeknee.

Max Meyer – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.92. What happened to the breakout that was, ya know, breaking out?

Otto Lopez – Hit the IL with an ankle sprain. Was hoping to avoid the IL but guess he was *pinkie to mouth* Otto luck.

Kyle Stowers – 1-for-4, 1 run, but last 20 games he’s hit near-.400 with five homers, 21 RBIs and a huge two-homer night on Saturday that was punctuated with a grand slam in the 9th off Mason Miller. True story, I glanced at an update on my phone, not fully paying attention, and saw Stowers hit that grannie off Miller, and I was like, “Welp, the glory of Shelby Miller is forever fleeting.” Apologies to Shelby, I just figured you were the sucky Miller. Wait, you likely are, too.

JP Sears – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.93. His command has been impeccable, and with that comes fantasy value. Home in Bing Bong could become dicey but I can’t see any reason to not roster Sears.

Ryan Walker – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.40 and getting the save on Saturday, as Doval worked the 7th. I feel like Bob Melvin was gaslighting us with Doval as closer. Or as it relates to pitching, I guess that’s throws-gaslighting.

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.61. This start was at home vs the Suckies, which is officially the easiest matchup in baseball. If it wasn’t a Webb gem, we would’ve had Harold Reynolds investigate (at $15/hour).

Willy Adames – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Don’t let him get hot! No, I’m being serious, I don’t have him in any leagues.

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 9 Ks. ERA at 3.83. One thing I can promise you is if you think this looks good, you’re gonna get in next year and be destroyed. Oddly, if you think he stinks now, he will be good next year.

Bowden Francis – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.66. No idea what happened to the guy from last year but get this guy off your teams.

Tanner Bibee – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.26, and exited with cramping. Well, I knew it wasn’t the time of the month when he actually pitched well.

Emmanuel Clase – 1 IP, 0 ER, 1 unearned run, ERA at 5.87, and two saves this weekend. Guards really want Clase to be the closer. Sorry, Cade Smith owners and Smith arbitration negotiators.

Corey Seager – 2-for-5 2 RBIs as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” department said, “You ever staple your tie to your shirt so it doesn’t fall into soup?”

Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.61. Not to be a hater all my life, but three Ks in five innings is barely Jacob deGrom. It’s like Jacob deGraded.

Kerry Carpenter – 4-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .295. Teach a man to fish and he’ll feed himself for life. Teach a man to draft Kerry Carpenter and he’ll be happy all season.

Trey Sweeney – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 3rd homer. That gives Trey trey.

Reese Olson – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.03. His underlying stats aren’t too far off from what the ERA is saying. In other words, Olson has pitched great. In other other words, Reese’s won’t fall to pieces.

Colt Keith – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .190. Cool Colt Keith needs two homers more to make a Furious Five.

Nick Lodolo – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.27. Regression doesn’t annoy me, but it does get under my freakin’ skin when a guy regresses in an easy matchup. Lodolo, you got beat by Amed Rosario! Do you hear how stupid that is?

Tyler Stephenson – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Three players finished April with five homers and ten steals, Elly, Oneil and one non-Cruz, a Crow-Armstrong. What does this have to do with Tyler Stephenson? Nothing, who cares about him?

Nick Martinez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.19. His stats are saying he should be marginally better. Call him Nick Marginez.

MacKenzie Gore – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.33. This stat is gonna blow your socks off your tootsies — MacKenzie Gore had the 2nd most strikeouts in March/April for a lefty, only trailing Randy Johnson.

Luis Garcia Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his homer. Lu-Ga-Ju is a favorite of mine — vastly underrated, power, speed and average. Oh, and a preseason sleeper.

Blade Tidwell – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER as he was called up for a spot start. His name sounds like someone who thought Cuba Gooding Jr. was in the Blade movies or Wesley Snipes was in Jerry Maguire.

Alec Burleson – 3-for-8, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .255. “Hey, would you mind handing me that chainsaw? There’s no way I can carry this in one piece—Hold on! Burleson moved! He’s alive!”

Willson Contreras – 4-for-8, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. He’s on pace for almost exactly the same season he always has. That’s boring, but true, which also sounds like the worst podcast title. “Welcome back to That’s Boring But True. First, I wanna say hi to our one listener. Hi Mom. You don’t have to listen, ya know? Anyway, today’s topic is why is the produce at the front of every supermarket.”