Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called a fantasy baseball season. I was dreamin’ when I wrote this, forgive me if I recommend starting a hitter vs. Jake Arrieta and pray. I’m not a woman, I’m not a man, I am Bartolo Colon and you will never understand how I get on these pants. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3. Yeah. I was working part-time in a five-and-dime, my boss was Willie McGee. U got the look. Jesus, McGee, that look. Twenty-three positions in a one night stand. Twenty-three positions in a very deep league fantasy team. Who’s my short-second-short-1st baseman? Why do we scream at each other? This is what it sounds like when David Price’s owners cry. “Sorry to hear about Chyna,” said the ghost of Farrah Fawcett. Arrieta, you got the batter’s fly balls all tied up! Don’t make the outfielders chase you! Even doves have pride. Why do we scream at each other when we don’t own Jake Arrieta? So, Arrieta threw a no-hitter yesterday — 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 BBs, 6 Ks. Rather economical pitch count too (119). Member when we were able to own him last year by drafting him in the 8th round? Alas, he’s a Sexy M.F. and I would die 4 U. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kris Bryant – 4-for-6, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and two home runs (3, 4). Bryant hit a grand slam when the game was already 9-0. After the game, A-Rod texted him, “I couldn’t be any prouder if you kissed a reflection of yourself dressed as a centaur.
Ben Zobrist – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. For the Cubs yesterday, there was such a barrage of badonkadonks it was like J. Lo walking in front of shattered glass.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Jorge Soler – 1-for-5 as the Cubs scored 16 runs. Ticker tease!
David Ross – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 1st homer. I wonder if this Ross could lend his shoulder to Tyson Ross. *thinking about David Ross’s throwing ability* Eh, maybe it’s for the best it stays as it is.
Homer Bailey – Ready for rehab outings. Cool, where are the outings to? Six Flags?
Billy Hamilton – Bruised his thumb and will be out a couple of days. That’s the thumb Hamilton uses to bum rides to 1st base.
Brandon Finnegan – 4 IP, 5 ER. The Regression Fairies love that place that makes the wheatgrass shakes, they can’t locate their rainbow short-shorts but they know they have them, and they will defecate on your pitcher’s ratios.
Aaron Blair – Braves are likely calling him up. I like the Braves’ moxie. They got moxie! Good for them promoting prospects and not sitting on their hands and farting like the Padres. Blair is not a top prospect, but he could be a middle of the rotation-type arm. A low ceiling, high floor type. A Mertin-Flemmer. In Triple-A, he has a 1.42 ERA and 10.4 K/9 in only 19 IP. He’s likely closer to a 7 K/9, 3.75-4.25 ERA guy, which isn’t anything to sneeze at in deeper leagues, unless you’re allergic to useful backend starters.
Matt Wisler – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.10. I remember during draft season someone mentioned to me that Wisler was a pitcher to keep an eye due to Glavine teaching Wisler a new pitch (or maybe it was Smoltz or Maddux or maybe Smoltz, Glavine or Maddux told me). This is all very exact, my words to you. Any hoo! I drafted Wisler on one deep league team, and I’d start to look at him as a streamer in mixed leagues, but I would double-check the Stream-o-Nator first.
Adonis Garcia – 2-for-4, hitting .280. I haven’t grabbed him anywhere, but I’m silently admiring Adonis, like a Helen Keller fantasy baseballer.
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 10 Ks. That’s a ton of hits for Kershaw to give up vs. the Braves. Two hits by Francoeur, two hits by Stubbs, two hits by Franklin Stubbs…I mean, geez Mary-Louise Parker is a foxy cougar, be my main squeeze. Yo, George Jeff, where’s Weez? *unveils pistachios* Deez? Damn, I’d love some Wise Waffles de Cheez. Sorry, sometimes you just need to rhyme.
Corey Seager – 1-for-5, 1 run, 1st steal, hitting .226. Okay, I’m ready for a spider wearing a Trevor Story jersey to bite Seager.
Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.12. *looks at Archer’s ERA, looks at Weaver’s, looks at Price’s, looks at Weaver’s* I feel like I’m in an Australian toilet and the earth is spinning the wrong way.
Mike Trout – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I was surprised to hear some people were buying Trout low. Man, fantasy baseballers have one short-ass memory. Is Trout really done in people’s eyes? C’mon, doodes and five non-doodes.
Albert Pujols – 0-for-4, hitting .148. I should’ve waited for the 10th round.
John Danks – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 6.23. Gavin Floyd commented on Danks’ Facebook page, “Danks…choen for rocking so awesomely!” Floyd still truly misses their time together.
Melky Cabrera – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Though, I only saw the box score, so Melky could’ve changed the box score HTML to show a homer.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and two homers in three games. The repairman is coming by later to close the Frazier Buy Window, might want to get in quickly.
Shelby Miller – 2 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs), 1 K. At least the Diamondbacks didn’t pay much to acquire Miller. Sorry, there’s no place for sarcasm here. At least the Diamondbacks don’t have to worry about when to call up some of the best prospects in baseball, and a free mind is priceless, says a self-help book probably.
Yasmany Tomas – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. He’s been hot schmotato’ing for a few days now. I almost added him into the Buy column that’s coming later today, but he’s here now, act accordingly, you accordion actor!
Jake Lamb – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 2nd steal. That’s the fastest Lamb outside of Scotland!
Jean Segura – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .338. He hit a triple late and chased home two runs to foreclose on Ziegler. I’ve been proclaiming my love for Segura for three years, so there’s no reason to ask if I like him. I do; I’d also like to be in the league where he’s not already owned.
Chris Owings – 2-for-4, 1 run and 2 steals (2, 3). Since Owings doesn’t possess blazing speed, I’m gonna go out on a 100-year oak limb and say Trevor Brown doesn’t have the best arm in baseball. Worth noting for SAGNOF.
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Some guys go from 6+ ERA to 2+ ERA from one month to another, other guys are just a 3.50 ERA pitcher all the time. Cueto seems to be a latter. Great, now Altuve is climbing up his back. Altuve, he’s not a ladder! Get down!
Eddie Rosario – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, 2nd steal and had two straight games with homers prior to this. Hot schmotato alert! Do not pass Go, do not collect other random hot schmotatoes, collect this one!
Miguel Sano – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. As I said the other day, Sano is the type of guy to go on a ten-homer in eleven-day journey around the majors. While still hitting .190. And that’s me saying the same thing I kinda said previously!
Brian Dozier – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Sure was a lot of offense yesterday. *looks at my team that went 0-for-25 with a run* Sigh.
Robinson Cano – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .246. Cano’s going full vetard strength, and you never want to go full vetard strength.
Adam Lind – 2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .220, hitting near-.350 in the last week. Could be a rising schmotato. I’d lose the monocle and grab him if you’re hurting for a hot bat.
Nate Karns – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER vs. Cody Anderson 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER. This matchup was called by fantasy owners, “Sleepers? More like put my team to sleep, you’re killing it.”
Rajai Davis – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. The King of SAGNOF seems as if he’s challenging Colby Rasmus for the crown to the King of Short Schedule Day. Heavy is the head that wears two imaginary crowns. That’s a line from King Henry Urrutia.
Cody Allen – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA up to 8.53. No lie, I took about 15 minutes to see if I could squeeze Bryan Shaw or Zach McAllister onto all of my fantasy teams. I did for Shaw on one team, but I left him on my bench for now, because his ERA is 17.36. I don’t think Allen is going to be replaced immediately and I’m not sure Shaw is the answer either. If you have a bench bat you can lose, sure, stash Shaw, but I wouldn’t put him in my lineup at this point. No one looks good in the Indians bullpen; they should all be embarrassed. Notice how I didn’t say red-faced.
Luis Severino – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.86. Maybe I’m being too reactionary here, but I am kinda over Severino. His K-rate is abysmal. Under 6 K/9? Is that a joke? Cause I’m not laughing. I’m hanging around for one more start, but I’m actively looking elsewhere.
Khris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. The sleeping giant (A?) has awoken! I was thinking he might’ve on Wednesday when he had two hits, but now it’s definite. I’d pick him up again if he was dropped after his terrible start; he’s the type that could hit five homers in a week.
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Take notes, Severino, that’s what I’m looking for, 10 Ks in six innings. What’s that, Severino? How do you spells “Ks?” Give me the notepad!
Coco Crisp – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (2) and legs (4). Nice to see him play while Billy Burns (1-for-5, 4th steal) was still in the lineup. Not sure why the A’s couldn’t do this lineup prior. In fact, they looked clicked into place with Valencia sidelined; Chris Coghlan (1-for-4, 2 RBIs, 2nd homer) and Mark Canha (1-for-4, 2 RBIs, 2nd homer) both getting in on the action, too. Between Canha, Coco Crisp and Coghlan, the A’s got hard C’s for days. Congrats on gettin’ a-crackin’.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer. Moistasskiss!
Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.46. Okay, I’m ready for Chris Archer to get his ERA under 7 and Edinson’s over 3. Thanks, Fantasy Overlord!
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-2 and his 2nd steal in as many games. He’s playing every day and stealing. SAGNOF!
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 4th steal. You don’t have to watch Narcos to own Escobar.
Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.32. Bad week to quit amphetamines, bad week to own a top tier starter, except for Arrieta, obvi.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Is it me or does he keep homering in a game where it’s his only hit? So, as a non-Harper owner, am I rooting for him to get two hits in every game?
Tom Koehler – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. Sonavabench! Let me explain, I own Koehler in a deep NL-Only league and I benched him this week. I wasn’t implying that I call my Koehler toilet a son of my bench.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. OZUNA eat fastballs for lunch. OZUNA poop out homers. OZUNA maybe should eat prunes.
Joey Rickard – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st steal, hitting .350. He now has two three-hit games in a row. JR’s hueing yellow to red on the hot schmotato scale.
Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.71 Speaking of JR hueing, this Dallas has JR spewin’. I wouldn’t have drafted Keuchel in any league, and I bet you could trade him away to someone who thinks they’re getting a Buy Low. Or not, I mean, you drafted him not listening to me, so you’ll prolly hold him for the same reason.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. Hey, Rajai, you come for the crown of the King of Short Schedule Day, you best come harder than that.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Damn, now he’s gonna get hot. I’m annoyed because I was counting on Desmond getting knocked out of the outfield if Choo returns. I don’t want their outfield to become a nightmare of playing time.
Keone Kela – Headed for surgery to have a bone spur removed. Hmm, figured the Rangers would appreciate spurs.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Ooh, so fancy with your safe ace ERA numbers! Ain’t you Prince Charles?!
Melvin Upton – 1-for-3 and his 5th steal. Ugh, stop giving fantasy value. I just can’t!
Francisco Cervelli – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. I could’ve sworn there were a few people asking to drop Cervelli in the comments the last few days. He’s hitting .340! Try to deal with d’Arnaud or Mesoraco for one day!
Erasmo Ramirez – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 4th win, ERA at 1.29. Yup, just the way I drew it up when I drafted Erasmo, and benched him for three straight weeks in a weekly league because he hasn’t been in the rotation. Played to perfection. *cuts ghost pepper, rubs hands on seeds, sticks hands in eyes*
Jake Odorizzi – 4 IP, 5 ER in Fenway. Think you had to be a glutton for punishment if you started Odorizzi yesterday after what the Red Sox did to Archer, and I’m on a glutton-free diet.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .258. He’s on pace for around 25 homers. Scary thing, he’s actually been hot.
Curt Casali – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Curt Casali sounds like he’s roommates with Nicholas Tropeano.
Carson Smith – Nearing rehab assignment. I hope he’s not using Waze during rush hour. “Make a left” “Across this five-lane highway?” “Yes, I am the Waze. Now go.”
David Price – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER. The Price is wrong, Bob. Very wrong. Like walking in on your parents while your brother is secretly videotaping them wrong. Price’s ERA is now 7.02. I’ll give you my Archer for him! The funny thing (if you don’t own Price) this onslaught of your fantasy ratios came against the Rays. Logan Forsythe (3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI) too much for you, Price? Logan Forsythe, who sounds like he wears Izod, is too much, Price? Shame on you, Price. I’m even bringing out the douchey one word sentences. Shame. On. You. So, what do we do with Price? Within reason, I’d be buying right now.
Dustin Pedroia – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Reading those inspirational cat posters sent to him by Altuve has paid off.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Oh, it’s on. You Betts.
Brock Holt – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal; Travis Shaw went 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, too. Too bad they’re not just one player by the name of Brock Shaw, because that would be the best name ever. Though, Brock anything is solid, except Brock Lee.
