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Yesterday, Nick Pivetta went 9 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.22 vs. the Astros who put an absolute beating on the Red Sox on Tuesday like they were a garbage can lid. Yes, that Nick Pivetta aka The Stopper aka If The Red Sox Turn Their Season Around This Feels Like The Moment It Happens aka The Nick Pivetta of Every Fantasy Baseballers’ Dreams For The Last Five Years aka I Was Not Expecting That aka I Honestly Don’t Even Believe The Box Score And I Watched Five Innings Of This Game aka Nick Pivetta F*cks aka Should You Fall For The Nick Pivetta Tailpipe Again? aka That Means You aka Are You Following What I’m Putting Down? It’s Breadcrumbs To Nick Pivetta On Your Waivers aka Or Not But His Peripherals (8.7 K/9, 3 BB/9) Are Usable As Long As He Keeps The Ball In The Park aka Likely Streamonator In Shallower Leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Gonna be a platoon guy in the Bronx by August. Kidding, kinda.

Jake Odorizzi – MRI revealed “some sprains and strains” around his ankle. If I had a doctor tell me my MRI revealed “some sprains and strains,” I’d tell Cougs I need to see an out-of-network doctor. I’ve heard a more exact reading of a  situation from a horoscope.

Jose Altuve – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and a leadoff homer, which turned out to be the only damage against Nick Pivetta aka I Still Can’t Believe He Was Better.

Chris Paddack – Underwent his 2nd Tommy John surgery. Soon Tommy John’s gonna call it Chris Paddack surgery.

Royce Lewis – Sent back to the minors, because the Twins have Gary Sanchez, Jose Miranda, Gilbert Celestino and Kyle Garlick. Where could they ever fit Royce Lewis in there? Celestino and Garlick sounds like a bad Italian frozen dinner.

Carlos Correa – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Before I sneeze, I always say, ‘I feel a whoop comin’ on,’ I’m sorry if that caused me to not get my hand over my mouth in time.”

Luis Arraez – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd steal, hitting .323. Yes, I’d play Royce over Arraez too. Twins are dumb.

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Would’ve liked an even better line. Was vs. the A’s, c’mon, you’re embarrassing misspelled Greys everywhere.

Daulton Jefferies – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.72. I hope Jefferies’s start is not going to reflect badly on my Gregg Jefferies rookie cards.

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and Austin Riley (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 8th, as they went back-to-back off Burnes. Which sounds like it would elicit an erotic dream from Waylon Smithers.

Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.26 vs. Max Fried – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.31. This matchup of Max Fried/Burnes was billed by me screaming, “Quick! Get me a splatter guard!”

Willy Adames – Hit the IL with an ankle sprain. Keston Hiura was called up as a corresponding move, which takes us to the next blurb…

Keston Hiura – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. How long until Hiura is traded to another team as a reclamation project? This July? With the Rockies? Am I trying to The Secret this into existence? Maybe yesterday’s game-winning homer will be the confidence boost he needs, but he’s like the NL’s Kelenic at this point. Homers and hits .400 in the minors, then can’t hit the side of the barn in the majors.

Lucas Giolito – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.84, as he was activated from the Covid-19 IL. Ya know, it’s called Covid-19 because guys are out for 19 hours, or 19 days.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer. Please get hot; if I had a genie wish, I’d use it for this.

MJ Melendez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I haven’t been this excited for a catcher since 2007 when I accidentally bumped my head, and thought I was Keith Law thinking of Matt Wieters.

Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-2 and his 6th homer, hitting .222. On the real, Blackmon has been crazy hot and crazy cold and still is beating Matt Olson on the Player Rater. How long do I have to shame Olson before he homers again? Let’s go!

C.J. Cron – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. If I win my preseason prop bet for Cron to lead the majors in homers, some of my winnings will need to go to me buying some new HOKAs, because I’m gonna be doing so many victory laps.

Pablo Lopez – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 1.57. Hopefully, it was just an off-night against one of the worst lineups in baseball at home. “Just an off-night” is the glass is half-full of fantasy baseball pitching.

Tanner Rainey – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.38 and the blown save. My absolute favorite is when a guy blows his first save opp in a month. Do I need to use sarcastic font or are you catching my drift?

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. In last week’s Sotheby’s auction, I purchased the feather from Forrest Gump for $175,000. Wanna see it? It’s right by my open window–NOOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer. Albombso!

Max Scherzer – Pulled himself in the middle of an at-bat with Pujols, because…? No one knew. Did he just want Pujols’s autograph? Is Max a big Survivor fan? Oh, no, it sounds more oblique. That usually means at least a month sidelined, but we will see.

Mike Trout – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .320. Teacher-student with Taylor Ward, and Trout’s the student one day, and the teacher the next. What is this, some giant auditorium class with a TA teaching?! I didn’t pay $50K a semester for this!

Jared Walsh – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer. Imagine if that bug named Kevin Cash never crawled up Maddon’s butt and told him about platoon splits. Walsh would have 50 RBIs. As it is, he’s got more RBIs than Trout.

Shohei Ohtani – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.82, 0-for-5. Meh, almost human. The nerve!

Dane Dunning – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.92. He’s so borderline solid. Call him Dane Middling. Decent Dunning? Meh, you figure it out! I’d use the Streamonator for him in most mixed leagues.

Kole Calhoun – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and four homers in four games, and 17 homers in 5 games and, wow, is this hot schmotato the color of red literally and figuratively.

Brad Miller – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer. He has six times as many homers as Marcus Semien.

Jack Suwinski – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. In the box score, it listed him as LF-RF, and all I could think was the Pirates finally figured out a way to be really cheap. Play the same guy in right and left, but his poor feet running back and forth.

Ian Happ – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .282, as he bats third. I wonder if someone could get a message to Happ to have him try to locate Seiya for us. Oh, my God! I just realized it! Seiya is him saying “See ya,” as in he’s left the league! Ugh!

Clay Holmes – 2 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 0.44 and his 3rd save. Not sure if other sites are talking about this, but the big takeaway from this year, after the dead ball, is there are so many great middle relievers. Every team (except the Red Sox) feel like they have a handful. Holmes might be the best.

Jordan Lyles – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 8 Ks, ERA at 4.11. 8:0 K:BB is pretty effin’ impressive vs. the Yankees. Enough that it made me open his player page (click his name and you’re magically transported there!), but I was less impressed by what I found. Streamonator? Sure, but he gets the Yanks again next time out, and I wouldn’t go back to that well, as Baby Jessica might’ve said.

Zach Davies – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.35. Someone should give Zach Davies a shirt that says “My strand rate off the field is 100%.”

Justin Turner – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two days, or three games. Looks like he Turner’d a corner! High five me! Right now! No? Okay.

Walker Buehler – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.89. This start was almost a disaster. Lucky he wasn’t playing hand grenades.

Jordan Romano – Dealing with a gastrointestinal infection. Maybe Romano is lactose intolerant.

Marco Gonzales – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.08 in Toronto. *staring at the Blue Jays’ offense a’la Scarface* Their lineup’s womb is polluted.

Ty France – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .325. France must’ve felt right at home in Toronto. That colonizer!

Abraham Toro – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .167. Have felt pretty good about starting Toro in some of my leagues, and now that I see he’s batting .167 I am slapping myself in the face screaming, “Snap out of it!”

Blake Snell – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, as he was activated from the IL. For those thinking, “Oh, geez, he’s gotta get stretched out.” He threw 84 pitches! Blake Snell: Forever Efficient. I wasn’t drafting Snell this year, and I wish Gore were in the rotation, but this is likely the best move for the Padres, as long as Snell’s healthy. Let Gore piggyback Snell or Clevinger, and get two-and-a-quarter starters out of three guys.

Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.49. He’s a Wheeler dealer once again! Wistfully, “I want that for Robbie Ray.”

Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .231. Phils have a bunch of guys who get insanely hot and are all or nothing. Pray for opposing pitchers if Hoskins, Castellanos, Schwarber and Harper are all hot at the same time, and pray for their pitchers if they’re all in the field.

Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4 and his 1st and 2nd homer. I feel like a Merman, because I love a Paredes. So, Isaac got his old club, the Tigers, back with those homers, and the Rays pulled off another heist of the century! Paredes for Meadows? Wow! How did they know Austin Meadows would get vertigo? Did he mention his love of Hitchcock? So, I’m being slightly facetious. Paredes has a decent bat, kinda similar to Yandy with maybe more power, that he’s never shown it. He’s kinda in this Friday’s Buy column, that is already available on the Patreon.

Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (zero walks), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.33. Fun fact! When I put my hand on Cougs’ head and mess her head, I say I’m Razz-mussin’. You know Rasmussen not be fussin’ with walks as his walk rate is down to 1.9 BB/9, and his Ks are down too. He’s really not pitching like at any point in his career with his fastball usage down from 65% to 32%, and adding in a cutter. It’s not worse than previous incarnations of Rasmussen, but it’s not necessarily better either. At least with results, outside of ERA.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.38, and hit the IL with an oblique injury. There’s hope for Ed-Rod, but it’s been whispered into a bottle and tossed into the ocean. Good luck retrieving it.

Spencer Torkelson – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .173. “If the funnel’s big enough, we might be able to get him into the meat grinder–Whoa! Hold on! Torkelson’s alive!”

Will Vest – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.12. Tigers’ bullpen is like the options package at a typical tech company. You keep hearing Will Vest but it never happens.