Guess I pointed you to the wrong White Sox prospect in Friday’s Buy.  Hahaha, no.  I didn’t.  I pointed you to a top hitting prospect that can help you this year.  Michael Kopech is a rookie pitcher.  A boneheaded one.  He used to date the daughter of the crazy white lady from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, then he started that girl from Riverdale, and I guess when I say Kopech is boneheaded, I should explain I wouldn’t mind boneheading like him.  Yo dude is a baller!  He’s also legit dopey.  At one point, he broke his hand by punching his teammate.  This guy has years of ridiculousness headed our way, and we should be grateful for that.  As grateful because he’s the top pitching prospect on Prospect Ralph’s top 500 fantasy baseball prospects, and PR’s said, “Kopech is in my opinion the top ‘fantasy baseball’ pitching prospect in the game. What I mean by that is, on, say, a mainstream list (see: BA, BP, BABP, Fangraphs, etc.) they’ll focus more on the risk vs. upside balance.  Me, I’m going upside, as you always should with pitching prospects in fantasy.  Kopech has the potential to lead MLB in strikeouts one day, with his plus-plus triple digit fastball that runs in on righties, a plus slider that flashes plus-plus at times, and an improving changeup. Kopech has all-world stuff, unlike Grey who has all-stupid stuff.”  What the hell, brah?!  Real world comparison, Kopech is Syndergaard with command issues right now, but those could clear up quickly; he’s only 22.  He’s a grab in all leagues, but as I said in the opening, rookie pitchers provide headaches, so expectations in Czech.  (Damn, should’ve never bought that discounted Siri.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to point out our fantasy football leagues are currently signing up, you have a one in three shot of winning $250 (odds may vary depending on if you’re calculating odds correctly.)  Anyway II, the roundup:

Reynaldo Lopez – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.72.  …and that’s the story about when a streamer became a colonic.  It’s called the Cleveland Streamer.

Jace Fry – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save, and first since May, and around the fifth guy the White Sox have tried as their closer since Soria left.  The White Sox closer shituation is like playing Press Your Luck.  No Jeanmar!  No Xavier!  No Avilan!  Damn, whammy!

Avisail Garcia – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer.  He has seven hits in August, and three home runs.  He’s either in an impressive month-long game of charades when he’s acting out Adam Dunn — Hey, Palka, guess Adam Dunn already! — or Garcia is in the midst of an atypical streak for him.

Tim Anderson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .245.  At this point, anything we get from him is gravy, but not all gravies are made the same.  Three homers and steals for him in the 2nd half is a particularly lumpy gravy.

Ryan O’Hearn – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  He has those four homers in only 12 games, so obvious hot schmotato qualities here, but I’ve resisted mentioning him because his minor league numbers are so sad.  You O’heard?

Whit Merrifield – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (27), hitting .303.  Also, in this game, Alex Gordon (1-for-4) had a slam (9) and legs (5). Or as they say in France, Royales with steals.

Chris Sale – Back to the DL with more shoulder inflammation.  Well, you gotta give it to the Sawx for their commitment to pretending Sale is actually injured.  I guess if he’s saying he’s injured we can’t…wait for it…here it comes…oh, boy, it’s good…shoot, left it in my car…okay, Cougs is in the car about to read it to me…here it comes…I guess if he’s saying he’s injured we can’t discount Sale!

C.J. Cron – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games as he somehow worked his way back into playing time.  Not saying he doesn’t deserve playing time –  All respect to Ji-Man Choi and all — but Cron has somehow lost all his playing time in Tampa in the last month.  Cron might consider no longer sleeping with managers’ daughters.

Melky Cabrera – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, and hitting near.375 in the last week with three homers.  You gotta love Melk cerealiously.

Zack Godley – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.44.  Grey on Friday, “I’m going to start Robbie Ray and Godley this weekend vs. the Padres, what do I have to lose?”  Grey on Sunday, “Fantasy leagues, specifically.  That’s what I have to lose.”

David Peralta – 2-for-5 and his 23rd homer, hitting .300.  Everything he touches turns to gold!  Maybe it’s their proximity.

Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer.  At least he’s been moved out of the three hole with him and his “hitting .185 in the last week” steelo.  By the way, I learned “steelo” on my browser dictionary because that’s my steelo!

Justin Turner – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer.  He was one of the few Dodgers to not steal yesterday.  Herrmann was replaced by the gender-specific Mike Zunino in the third inning, because Herrmann had allowed four steals in three innings.  Speaking of steals allowed, I found out some sad news yesterday.  Long-time SAGNOF writer, Smokey, is stepping down.  We’ll be replacing him, but there’s only one Smoke.  *pours malt liquor out*

Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer.  When Kiké trots around the bases on a home run, he should start by doing the KiKi Challenge.

Ervin Santana – Hit the DL with “was never really healthy from his last injury, but the Twins were hoping to trade him so they brought him back.”  It’s curable, but likely after an offseason of rest.

Eddie Rosario – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .294.  I told you he didn’t retire in July.  Dur.

Jake Cave – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer in 149 ABs.  Mr. Prorater, “If the Twins play one game that goes into the 4,504th inning with Cave getting 2083 ABs, he will break Bonds’ single season home run record.”

Max Kepler – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer.  He’s hitting near-.275 in the last week with two homers.  If that gives you an erection for longer than a minute or two, you should see a doctor.

Stephen Strasburg – Will return on Wednesday.  Last week when he said he was returning on Tuesday, I said I’d bet you he won’t throw 25 IP this year.  Do I hear 20?

Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 4.51, as he was rocked by the Marlins.  There’s a phrase heard about as often as, “That Kardashian was my inspiration to become a brain surgeon.”

J.T. Riddle – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Sonavabench!  He’s on my Tout Wars bench.  Alas, he does seem like a hot schmotato, though garbage pitching might’ve helped him this weekend.

Starlin Castro – 5-for-6, 3 runs, hitting .287.  On the year, he has 45 RBIs, that’s with 374 ABs in the 3rd, 4th and 5th spot of the order.  Cust kayin’.

Isaac Galloway – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (1) and legs (1).  He was a top ten Marlin prospect.  Dot dot dot.  In 2010.  He’s now about to turn 29 years old.  Galloway’s claim to fame up until now is being picked up by a guy in your league with a cracked iPhone screen.  “Holy crap, someone dropped Gallo?!”  Moments later, “Damn, I really need to visit that U Break, We Fix mall kiosk.”

Jose Urena – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50.  Well, yeah, sure, because everyone was Mr. Hotstepper when they got in the batter’s box vs. him.

Yu Darvish – Will undergo an MRI after pitching one inning of a rehab start at South Bend.  Would be more appropriate if Darvish took his elbow to No Bend.

Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.36.  Even his ‘good’ starts are barely good.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer, hitting .244, and his 2nd homer in the last three games.  Was surprised he was only owned in 80% of fantasy leagues.  Guess I overestimated how many fantasy leagues Joe Buck plays in.

Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.31.  Look at his ERA.  Allow your inner monologue to point out that we’re almost through August.  Now look at those other pitchers on your team.  Yup.

Jimmy Nelson – Threw a bullpen session on Saturday.  You in March, “I’m going to draft Jimmy Nelson because my wife always says I can’t plan for the future.  This will show her!”  You now, “Honey, I’m divesting our retirement plan, planning for the future is dumb.”

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.58.  If you throw out his one start against the Dodgers, where you shouldn’t have started him anyway, his ERA since the All-Star break is 1.42 in 31 2/3 IP.  “Put it right next to my computer!”  That’s me yelling to the cherrypicker operator where to park it.

Daniel Poncedeleon – The Cards bumped Luke Weaver from the rotation for Poncedeleon aka the first guy who thought Florida would make a great place for retirees.  Here’s a hint you’re doing things wrong, if a team bumps a guy from the rotation and he’s still on your fantasy team.  As for Poncedeleon, he’s going to start on Tuesday in Los Angeles, and I’d take a wait-and-see approach.  By the way, that’s Los Angeles LA, not Los Angeles Anaheim.

Luis Severino – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.28.  Crazy to me that the Yankees keep sending Severino out there instead of just DL’ing him for two weeks.  They have a fairly comfortable Wild Card lead and blah blah blah–Sorry, I started to sound like a MLB TV pundit or some shizz.

Didi Gregorius – Might hit the DL.  He bruised his heel after colliding with Kendrys Morales.  Didi ran into Kendrys, fell to the ground and Kendrys brushed his shoulder like he felt dandruff falling.  Didi looked like someone who was going out for an audition to be the Kool-Aid Man and overestimated his ability to run through a wall.

Kendrys Morales – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .248.  Kendrys isn’t a great hitter anymore, but he’s a worse turnstile.

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer.  He seems to have been hot since the All-Star break, so it’s time we go look at his actual stats vs. what I’m thinking.  Brace yourself, this can be dangerous, like waking a sleepwalker.  Since the break, he has 6 HRs and is hitting ~.260 in 110 ABs.  Woof.  His “hot streak” is around that of a 5th outfielder.

Ryan Borucki – 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.27.  I’m so glad I listened to Fodor’s and came to this cave-converted-bar in Afghanistan.  While I use the bathroom, I’m going to leave my Fanta unattended on the bar.  *five hours later*  Hey, how come that guy is loading WMDs into my colon?  AHHHHH!!!  ROOFIE!!!

Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.12.  I admittedly just looked at the Stream-o-Nator for Cahill, which is full-on stupid for a guy who has a 3.12 ERA in the final home stretch of August.  I’m over here struggling on the reg — streggling? — with Robbie Ray and worried about starting Cahill?  I deserve a nuggie.

Khris Davis – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 35th and 36th homers.  I know this is sacrilegious, coming from me especially, but is there a big difference between Davis and Giancarlo?

Matt Chapman – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer, hitting .276, and moved to the two-hole, hitting close to .350 in the 2nd half.  Maybe he can sneeze on Matt Olson.

Alex Bregman – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .280.  Bregman or Correa in 2019?  Is it even close?

Yuli Gurriel – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .280, and his 2nd homer in four games.  Could be a light schmotato, but Altuve returns this week and will bump Gurriel down the lineup.  For what it’s Werth, Altuve isn’t a schmotato, but more of a Spud Webb.

Mike Foltynewicz – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.72.  No, he’s not quite that good a pitcher, but his Ks are way up this year with his velocity.  In other words, Faultywirewitz is a better pitcher than at any point in his career, just not quite as good as his ERA appears.

DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 2nd in as many games, hitting near.350 in the last week, hitting .275 on the year, and moved this weekend into a tie for 175th on the list of all-time famous DJs, right behind D.J. Tanner, and in front of the DJ at your Senior Prom.

David Dahl – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 5th steal, hitting .276, as he hit third yesterday.  “This year has more three-hole hitters who platoon than any other year,” said my sock puppet I labeled, “Eliaz Spurts Pure-oh,” to avoid trademark lawsuits.

Hunter Strickland – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, in the 6th inning, as he activated from the DL and Pablo Sandoval was moved to the 60-day DL.  When asked what’s wrong with Sandoval, the Giants responded, “Diabetes.”  Strickland should get saves again at some point this season, but the Giants are saying they’re slowly going to work him back in, so hopefully he never gets saves again.  I own him, so no ulterior motives.  Instead, I’d like to see him pay karmically for punching a goddamn door.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.05.  A bum is used to take out the garbage.  A Bum should not itself be garbage.  Not to mention, Bum is confusing my interpretation of Cake By The Ocean.

Jose Peraza – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer.  He’s been top 12 on the Player Rater for shortstops.  Behind him…Oh, this is gonna hurt…Carlos Correa.  It’s not really close, tee bee aitch.

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer.  He hit this homer off Andrew Suarez.  That could make it uncomfortable on the set of their Latin American makeover show, “Suarii for the Straight Guy.”

Nick Pivetta – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.66.  Pivetta is an Italian sports car that goes 92 MPH in 1.2 seconds, but is invisible like Wonder Woman’s plane so it literally gets hit by everyone.  To recap:  Invisible plane — good; invisible car — not so good.

Jacob deGrom – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.71.  He’s as predictable as every girl I ever met in college saying they suffer from TMJ.