“Hello, this is the Liquid Paper corporate office. How may I direct your call?” “Well, I’m not sure, to be honest. I run this fantasy baseball blog and–” “You want marketing. I’ll direct your call.” “No! No, sorry, I don’t want marketing. See, I have this pitcher, Corey Kluber, and his stats are saying he’s doing one thing, but it’s all a mistake and I see a big correction coming and…” “You want shipping and orders?” “No, I don’t think I do. I’m not looking to purchase anything.” “Sir, I can’t hear you over your cackle. Is someone tickling you?” “I’m trying to get a pitcher to correct himself, and I thought corrective fluid could work. Maybe I’ll try R&D.” “Transferring you.” “This is R&D. How may I direct your call?” “I want to know how I can get Corey Kluber’s stats to reflect his ability.” “BABIP problems?” “Yes!” “Just have him strike out everyone, get out of the first inning without surrendering any runs, have Roberto Perez consult with Yan Gomes on a game plan, and trust his stuff.” “Thanks so much!” “Would you mind taking a quick survey after the call?” “Sorry, I don’t have time.” Yesterday, Kluber went 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks and 18 Ks. The best baseball fans are in St. Louis. At least when Kluber pitches to them! Hey, I told you to buy him about two weeks ago. Whether you did is on you. Now, please someone talk to Strasburg! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yan Gomes – Could begin rehab on Friday. Or as they call it in my house ‘tomorrow.’
Matt Holliday – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the elbow by Kluber. Holliday has a contusion, so that’s likely a three-day Holliday.
Addison Reed – Major Spoiler Alerts! Theon Greyjoy was taken hostage by that guy who died in the first season, but that guy made him feel welcome, and Theon was almost a Stark. We’ll call him John Starks. Then the Starks were out of the picture, and Theon decided to take over his old stomping ground. Winter was coming so no one really cared. Bigger fish to fry, yadda. Then Starks was taken hostage again, but this time by Michael Bolton. Michael Bolton is a lousy captor and abuses Starks and cuts off his Kolten Wong. Ugly? Indeed. After dismembering him, Bolton changes Theon Greyjoy John Starks’s name to Reed, Addison Reed, to exact, and Michael Bolton changes his name to Michael Taylor and hits a grand slam off him, leaving Reed with a 7.20 ERA, two blown saves, and no way of going to the bathroom. Before this game was over, I grabbed Brad Ziegler in every league. I would do the same, if I were you.
Patrick Corbin – Aiming to return from Tommy John surgery on June 4th. The road to Dr. James Andrews’s office is paved with good intentions.
Jeremy Hellickson – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.92. Well, there goes the theory that AL pitchers moving to the NL are in for an uptick in value. Or maybe he’s the exception that proves the rule, a phrase that I just spent 15 minutes on Wikipedia trying to figure out. Could “the exception that proves the rule” actually be the exception to phrases making sense? I’m seriously baffled. Perhaps a nap is in order. *claps hands* I’m back!
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .347. I just wanted to say he’s gorgeous. Take it from the Jew-half of me when I say Gold always goes up.
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-5, run, hitting .315. To parse a 20-year conflict to a sentence, the Diamondbacks are like the U.S. in Vietnam. They have too many weapons and have no idea what to do with them.
Chris Owings – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .246, hitting over-.350 in the last week and seven for his last 14. I guess I’m saying hot schmotato!
Gio Gonzalez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Diamondbacks, ERA now up to 4.25. I don’t want any of my pitchers going against the Diamondbacks right now. They’re cooking with gas in the middle of a hay factory that was recently doused in butane. Shizz is combustible.
Jayson Werth – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. For what it’s Werth, I wouldn’t go near him in a trade. He hit 16 homers last year, and could be a 12-homer, .260 player this year, and could be playing Scribbage next year with Utley.
Denard Span – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd steal. Too bad he doesn’t have 35+ steal speed, because Denard would be an absolute bargain, which is kinda like me saying if Josh Rutledge actually hit, he’d be great, but whatevs, you follow the pretzel logic.
Alex Guerrero – 2-for-3, 1 run as he played left field and Justin Turner (0-for-4) played third base. Mattingly said he has no set starter at 3rd base. It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, and it’s Mattingly prerogative to not make up his.
Yasiel Puig – Mattingly acknowledged that Puig’s hammy is still hurting and he’s going to be out for a while. ‘A while’ for Mattingly could be anywhere from six weeks to six minutes. Hard to get a reading on someone whose brain synapses are as backed-up as the 405.
Rafael Soriano – Marlins are no longer interested in inquiring Soriano; his asking price was too high. In related news, Jeffrey Loria was seen disguised as a homeless person outside Crayola Canyon, asking for change from fans.
A.J. Ramos – 1 IP, 0 ER and his first save and is likely now the closer. No fooling, I think that’s all it’s going to take for him to secure the job. I could see holding Dunn or Morris, if you like, but it’s likely fruitless like the Souplantation buffet.
Jarred Cosart – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 4.08, but left yesterday’s game with a tight hamstring. To loosen it up, Jarred, just run it under hot water and knock it on the edge of a counter.
Dee Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .426. A teamster flicks his cigarette then, “Where do you want this frozen head?”
Hector Santiago – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.41. As the rest of the league’s pitchers struggled for the first 6 weeks, Santiago Mr. Magoo’d his way up and over scaffolding, without even realizing it. His numbers are still screaming for the Regression Fairies to pay him a visit.
Hunter Pence – Could be activated any day. The Gangly Manbird is currently traveling the Triple-A Sacramento team on his 19-foot long wingspan like a Land of the Lost kid on a pterodactyl.
Buster Posey – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Well, he’s no Vogt, but so few are.
Brandon Crawford – 2-for-3, hitting .264 with 5 homers and one steal. Sorry, I was just writing it out so I could understand why I’m getting so many comments asking to pick up this guy. He’s pretty bleh, y’all.
Brett Oberholtzer – 3 IP, 1 ER, but left with a blister on his hand, which is exactly what he’s returning from after a six-week absence. Well, Oberholtzer is German for uberblister, so no dur.
Jason Castro – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. I nearly mentioned yesterday that he homered on Tuesday, but I didn’t want to go somewhere that didn’t need to be addressed, but now he has homers in two straight and is obviously heating up.
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .200. He’s done a lot of nothing in the last few weeks, except homer, but if you need that sorta thing, here ya go.
George Springer – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .196. According to our Player Rater, Springer’s been about as valuable as Souza. So, careful whose horn you’re tooting, which is really just sound advice.
Adam Warren – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.50. I don’t know if it was a one-day aberration, but baseball felt like a pitchers’ game once again last night with not a whole lot of offense. A trend started by Klubes, p to the erhaps. Warren’s more or less a streamer and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next.
Nate Karns – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (2 BBs), 6 Ks. Like the more Ks than IP, but don’t love the wildness that leads to an inability to go deep in the game. He’s pretty risky still, but an almost-9 K/9 risky is better than a 5 K/9 risky. You feel me? Okay, now stop. Seriously, it’s making me uncomfortable.
Steven Souza – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. On pace for a 30/25 year. Cust kayin’.
Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.96 vs. Cole Hamels 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.53. If two aces that excite no one faced each other, would it make a sound? Yes, the sound of Philly fans chucking Double-A batteries at Utley.
Torii Hunter – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Big Magoo just went over his Torii Hunter fantasy. All I’ll say is this hot streak by Hunter proves one thing: you don’t need to be a Yankee to be a Zombino.
Ricky Nolasco – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Tigers. Elias Sports Bureau said this is the most scoreless innings thrown by a crappy pitcher like Nolasco since the last time Nolasco threw this many scoreless innings.
Alex Avila – Able to avoid knee surgery. Well, yeah, just don’t go to the hospital.
Kyle Lobstein – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER. And that’s why his name isn’t LOB%stein.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-2, but left yesterday’s game with back (lower) tightness, which is served on white with the crusts cut off in Poland. It’s their BLT.
Justin Masterson – Hit the Disgraceful List with general suckiness. He’ll be replaced by Steven Wright with his subpar pitching and excellent deadpan humor.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.61. I love Gray like I love myself, but, if we were to visualize Gray’s fantasy stock, it would be like the yodeling guy in The Price is Right and just about to yodel himself off the side of a mountain.
Wil Myers – Sent for scans on his wrist and the Padres will have word today on his condition. Honestly, this sounds like a 15-day DL stint that could linger for a while. I’m hoping not, but his wrist was hurt last year and supposedly took all of the winter to feel better. Like Mega Maid this both blows and sucks.
James Shields – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Shields reminds me of Nickelback. Lots of people like him, but I have no idea who those people are and have never met one.
Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Trying not to get excited. *eyes twitching, hands getting sweaty, waiver wire finger shaking* Okay, I need to move on before I pick him up.
Brad Miller – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Told you he was a sleeper (14 months too soon)! In this game, Will Middlebrooks also went deep (1-for-4, 4th homer, hitting .198). 2014 Grey is so happy right now.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .322. Still not understanding the people who want to drop him. Would you prefer seven homers and a .195 average? Not to answer, but to ruminate.
Adam LaRoche – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. SAT question! In 2010, LaRoche hit 25 HRs. In 2011, he hit 3. In 2012, he hit 33 and .271. In 2013, he hit 20 and .237. In 2014, he hit 26 HRs. In 2015, he hits _____?
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. Mark May 13th down as the day the Starterpocalypse ended.
Jimmy Nelson – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.22. I mean, even the pitchers that were hit, weren’t absolutely demolished like the preceding few weeks.
Brandon Phillips – Diagnosed with turf toe. Phillips sat out yesterday with the Reds trainer saying, “(We’re) trying to find an orthotic insert to alleviate the discomfort.” Is this the same medical staff that hasn’t DL’d Mesoraco after a month? Well, yes, it is! Hey, Reds trainer, try Amazon. I hear they have shoe inserts. The Reds should fire their trainer and replace him with WebMD.
Raisel Iglesias – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.77, and Tony Cingrani pitched the final scoreless inning, and has an ERA of 2.08. Cingrani will stay in relief and Iglesias will head back to Triple-A, because the Reds have Jason Marquis, Michael Lorenzen and Anthony DeScaryfanny. Yeah, that makes total sense. Ow, eye roll headache!
Marlon Byrd – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. Looks like last week’s hot schmotato still has some schmotato in his microwave.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (5). I know what he’s doing. It’s not that all he does is hit homers, it’s all he does is provide stats for fantasy. You are a dreamboat!
Matt Harvey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.31 vs. Jason Hammel 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Scarily (that sounds weird), Harvey isn’t anywhere near at full capacity. Not scarily (still weird), Hammel looks one of those good old fashioned number four starters that provides safe, reliable innings for your fantasy team.
Miguel Gonzalez – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re not going to pick him up for, like, six months of his sub-3.00 ERA, dating back to last year, then grab him and he’s going to bomb. So, please, don’t bother at this point, you’ll ruin it for all of us.
Jimmy Paredes – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .364. Doesn’t he sound like someone who was in Witness Protection and looking at a parade when the FBI agent asked him what he wanted to be called?
Jose Reyes – Took on-field BP, but is still about two weeks away with his cracked rib progressing slowly. Should try Tony Roma’s, that’s a place for ribs.
Aaron Sanchez – 5 2/3, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K. So, I was in this nightclub and I was like, “Could you watch my beer while I’m in the john?” And then I woke up in an Amsterdam hotel room and some man was blow drying my liver. ROOFIE!
Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.36. I could care less about how he’s MLB’s heavy, picking fights with little kids and the elderly, but his peripherals are a bit disconcerting for a guy that had arm trouble last year. I’d try to hold him for now, but his stats are kinda ugly, and I’m not sure he has an alibi.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, has hit in every game in May and has three homers in the last week and has raised his average from .147 to .224 in the last ten days and *pants heavily* Damn, ran out of breath like Betty Draper.
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-3 as he was activated from the DL. He was DL’d for 15 days after loose bodies were removed from his elbow. What if one of those bodies was the Lindbergh baby?