Don Mattingly and Ken Griffey Jr. sit in the airport, waiting for their flight out to Toronto, trying to make small talk, “How has post-Hall of Fame life been?” “Good, good, how has post, uh, mustache life been?” “Fine, yeah, fine.” Finally, a Cooperstown employee approaches, “Where do you want Dale Long’s sarcophagus?” “Are you not staying with it?” “I was just told to deliver it. Now, if Kendrys Morales breaks the home run record, you press this button on the side of the sarcophagus.” Ken and Don look at each other and decide to try the button. Dale’s sarcophagus opens and what resembles a crypt keeper says, “Wow, I can’t believe he broke our record. That’s outta sight!” And Dale’s mummified eyes spin like a slot machine. This is reenactment of what Mattingly and Griffey are going through as they join Kendrys for the chase of their home runs in eight straight games record. Yesterday, Morales homered in his 7th straight game, going 1-for-3, 2 RBIs, and that was his 21st homer. I actually just picked up Kendrys Morales in my RCL league, after I picked up my jaw from surprise that he was still available. He’s so smooth right now, they call him Kendrys Alba. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Aaron Sanchez – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.95, as he was activated from the DL. He was sidelined due to middle finger injury, but of course! It’s the FUpocalypse!
Josh Donaldson – Nears a rehab assignment. Donaldson’s gonna be in game shape in time for the Winter Meetings.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Oye como yay!
Wilson Ramos – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and his 1st homer on the Phils. Now I see why in Germantown they keep calling him Philson.
Buster Posey – Having season-ending surgery today and you can send condolence cards to his owners, postmarked, “I never listen to Grey and still draft top catchers.” Post office will know where to send it.
Andrew Suarez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.42. The Stream-o-Nator loved this start, and I wouldn’t start Suarez without the robot’s permission. The Ghost of Isaac Asimov is nodding, “I told ya.”
Derek Holland – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.65. I streamed Holland yesterday, because of the Stream-o-Nator and since I have nothing to lose. Well, that’s not completely accurate, I have a fantasy league to lose, potentially.
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 3rd save, and saves in back-to-back games. Good work Strickland and Smith, you made Melancon look good enough to return him to the closer role. I grabbed Melancon in two leagues, that’s gonna work out splendidly!
David Bote – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .284. Hurry, Maddon, get him out of the lineup! He’s only supposed to be used in special, special circumstances, like when the Cubs need offense.
Kyle Hendricks – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Thanks to the Stream-o-Nator I streamed Hendricks yesterday. *blows on knuckles, cockily wipes knuckles on shirt, realizes not wearing shirt* Brushing my knuckles on my nips excites me.
Luis Castillo – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.07. Conspiracy Theory Alert! Castillo has performed poorly this whole year to lower his draft value in 2019.
Nick Kingham – Was recalled from the minor leagues, and seems headed for long relief for the time being. Little trivia for you, we’re human beings, but Flava Flav is a time being, which is why he wears a giant clock. Unless he’s wearing a wristwatch like a choker.
Adam Frazier – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. A Frazier cake is a strawberry pie placed on top of a butt, and you thought my baking knowledge was perfunctory. Joke’s on you, I don’t even know what perfunctory means. Also, Frazier has been a light schmotato.
Manny Pina – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (2). You know you have a fantasy baseball problem when you’re thinking about how you’re excited about drafting Manny Pina in the final rounds next year.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. Moistasskiss!
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 19th homer. Okay, but he’s a glorified platoon player now. Brewers also did this with Scooter and Villar, and I’m not saying they didn’t all deserve it, but sometimes you just gotta play your guys. Brewers might benefit from being in a competitive NL-Only league, that’s where I learned.
Jeremy Jeffress – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 7th save, ERA at 1.43, and his 3rd save since August 20th. Seems to be in pole position for who Counsell wants to go to for saves in Milwaukee. Speaking of Pole Position, have you ever seen Craig Counsell play a video game? The joystick is over his head with body fully twisted.
Nathan Eovaldi – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.15. This start was against his former team, but that’s fairly self-evident since he’s played for every team in the East. Stream-o-Nator loves his next start, and, even though he hasn’t been great recently, I could see going with him.
Blake Snell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.05. Yesterday, a Fangraphs writer adjusted his saved draft tweet that he plans to post in November, adding in a few caps to fully illustrate how upset he is at Snell not getting the AL Cy Young.
Ross Stripling – Expected to return on Tuesday. It’s unclear how he will return. I’m guessing by plane. *intern whispers in my ear* Ah, it’s unclear if he’ll return as a starter or reliever.
Alex Wood – Had his start pushed to Wednesday. That’s a long time to get Wood up.
Franmil Reyes – 1-for-2 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Or as Lil’ Wayne calls him, Franmilli a milli a milli. Appears to be a solid bet for some power right now.
Hunter Renfroe – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .253. You know what he’s doing, right? He’s roping us in again. Hey, what’s three straight years for a Renfroe fantasy sleeper?
Michael Kopech – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (0 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 1.13. Know what’s kinda interesting (to me)? Kopech appears to have no command, but he’s not allowing walks because hitters don’t know to wait on pitches yet. (Here comes the interesting part.) It’s wild to me (okay, not interesting, now it’s wild) that major league teams have to face certain guys to know how to attack them rather than get a scouting report.
Kolten Wong – Pulled his hamstring, after Wong pulled up lame on a grounder. That reminds me of an old joke. A guy wants to be Adam for Halloween and he goes to the costume store and tries on a leaf, but it’s not big enough, so the costume clerk says, “Why don’t you throw it over your shoulder and go as a gas pump?”
Matt Carpenter – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, with four doubles, which is supposedly a major league record. Did we lose some floppy disks that were storing lesser records? Because it’s surprising to hear that’s a record. No one ever hit five doubles in a game? Are we sure?
Austin Gomber – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.79. This start came in Coors. I know that, of course, because that was the reason I benched him for his 2-start week and goddamnit! Mean’s while, I’m over here rocking two Giants relievers who are apparently no longer getting saves. Yes, this is about me!
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and three homers in the last four games, and, yes, grab him. Yes, now.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 30th homer. Au Shizz!
Felix Pena – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.52. He has more Ks than innings, so you best believe I’m cyclops’ing him. He was pretty forgettable until about a year ago. He added a curve that he’s now throwing 35% of the time. Could be something here, until he needs the inevitable Tommy John surgery in three weeks.
Lance McCullers – Not close to mound work. “Looks easier than it is, huh?” That’s a grounds crew worker.
Framber Valdez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.96. The Regression Fairies will be eating his brain custard in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.46. His ERA in the 2nd half is…Wait for it…here it is…I think I left it in the downstairs pantry by the seltzer…Cougs! Could you check on something for me?!…Wheeler’s 2nd half ERA is…1.17!
Brandon Nimmo – Activated from the DL but didn’t play. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “If we’re trying to stop sexual harassment in the workplace, why do we keep calling these meetings, ‘All Hands On Deb?’ Wait, it’s deck?”
Steven Matz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.36. Matz showed the Nats the door, but they saw the doormats in the form of the Mets relievers who gave up about 47 runs in the final two innings yesterday.
Tanner Roark – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.95. His 2nd half ERA was next to Wheeler’s in the pantry and is 1.61.
Adam Eaton – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (6), hitting .304. It’s not an exaggeration to say this game accounted for 20% of his value for the whole year. It’s bad math compounded by a lazy percentage. It’s not an exaggeration though.
Kelvin Herrera – Was carted off the field. Damn, MLB has taken this pace of game thing too far! Just let him walk off! *intern whispers in my ear* Turns out Herrera was seriously injured. I own Koda Glover in one league. He’s been miserably bleh, but until Sean Doolittle returns, that’s prolly the Nats’ best option. Maybe Ryan Madson, when he returns on Tuesday.
Lucas Giolito – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.85. Hold onto your hats, prematurely balding men, Giolito has three straight Quality Starts! He’s starting to pique the 2019 taste buds, but you’re crazy eh-eff if you think I’m picking him up this year.
Sonny Gray – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.05. I still wouldn’t touch him, but this made me laugh, Sonny Gray’s nickname is Pickles, so someone asked Josh Phegley why Gray was nicknamed Pickles on the A’s. Phegley said, “Because he likes to eat them.” That is also why Bartolo’s nickname is called, “Everything.”
Mike Fiers – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.15. I said this last time, and because I am a man of the people and always keep my word, I am holding onto Fiers until he pitches poorly. *cranks up Prodigy’s Firestarter, screams at passing motorists*
Matt Chapman – 3-for-5, 3 runs and two homers (19, 20). He has 10 homers on both sides of the All-Star break, but is hitting near-.340 in the 2nd half. His BABIP in the 2nd half is near-.400. To put that in layman’s terms, he hits a grounder right to the 2nd baseman for an easy out, and a squirrel grabs the ball and tosses it into the outfield for a single.
Stephen Piscotty – 3-for-4 and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Maybe Piscotty does know.
Tyler Austin – 2-for-4 and his 13th and 14th homer. Yankees moving Austin for Lynn was a move that didn’t make many headlines, but I bet this ends up working out nicely for Minnesota. Fun fact! If you put soda in a shot glass, it’s the state drink of Minnesota.
Wei-Yin Chen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.91. I’ve been Wei-Yin for a start like that from Chen for two years.
Kevin Gausman – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 5 Ks, ERA at 1.69 on the Braves. Obviously, there’s the narrative that moving to the NL East is a boost in value, but don’t forget Gausman’s huge 2nd half last year was the reason why I loved him coming into this season. Gausman’s got more narratives than The Brothers Grimm.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert! And before you scoff, because I know you like to scoff, you scoffer, like anyone thought Kendrys would go on the run he’s on, so Duda could very well be a schmotato, you scoffing scoffer!
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-2, 4 runs, 1 RBI, hitting close to .375 in the last week. Got Melk? Maybe you should consider it.
Jason Kipnis – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (6), hitting .223. A triple short of the cycle, and a big game could lead Kipnis to Hot Schmotato Land, which is what I’ve altered Molasses Swamp to on my Candy Land board. No one uses time as productively as I. Or is it me? I need to spend 45 minutes researching that.