For a long time in his career, Jose Quintana seemed to be underrated in some fantasy circles and, if those people didn’t recognize Quintana’s genius, I’d call them jerks, so they were circle jerks. Early in his career, even his radar blips would end up being a tugboat filled with pandas rather a real scare. Then, later in his career, we boarded the tugboat and they were feral pandas. “Ling-Ling thinks my arm is bamboo!” Jose Quintana was no longer safe like the circle jerk Quintana, but became more of the feral panda Quintana. Recently, however, Quintana’s been a good blip again and the feral pandas are satiated with boba, greeting us with Panda Express menus. Yesterday, he went 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 4.11, and in three August starts: 1.89 ERA, 26 Ks and only one walk. He looks fixed, and I’m willing to give him more rope, but if I see one more gee-dee feral panda, all bets are off. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Craig Kimbrel – Felt fine after throwing a bullpen session, and could be back by this weekend. His beard makes him look Amish, so if he’s returning this weekend, he needs to get the stagecoach giddied-up by tomorrow, according to Amish Waze.
Nicholas Castellanos – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, and his 5th homer in 11 games with the Cubs. The Greek God of Hard Contact wanted off the Tigers so bad he was swinging down on the ball for four years. This is hilarious to me.
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .275. Whatevs on Jerry Tomato Realmuto. I’m just giddy Charlie Manuel was hired as the new Phils’ hitting coach! Charlie’s 1st piece of business: putting a piece of straw in his mouth and chewing! Charlie’s 2nd piece of business: Bringing back Domonic Brown! Charlie’s 3rd piece of business is putting his jersey over his overalls and giving out attaboys!
Sean Doolittle – Told a radio show that he’s being overused and it’s why he’s not effective. That’s what happens when you tell your coach repeatedly something and it falls on deaf ears. You take your problems to the media. Lose the parasol, Davey Martinez, Doolittle’s got your shade. Yesterday, Daniel Hudson (1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.80) got his 1st save, and when confronted with Rodney or Strickland as the other options, I tend to agree that Hudson makes sense.
Juan Soto – 1-for-3 and his 25th homer, hitting .288. Podcaster Ralph and I debated Sexy Dr. Pepper vs. Yordan Alvarez for 2020 on this week’s podcast. Read, rate and review. Good reviews, you bastards!
Brian Dozier – 1-for-2 and his 17th homer. That was his 1st hit in a week, so Dozier has been asleep, which is apt since his name sounds French for sleep.
Joe Ross – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.91. Damn, that would’ve been a nice Streamonator call, but it hates his next one, so don’t shop at Ross. (This is just good advice, in general.)
Aristides Aquino – 0-for-4. NOOOO!!! I need more Aquino ding-dongs! Since Aquino learned how to hit using a dog toy (true story), I’m training Ted:
Having a catch with my boy, Ted pic.twitter.com/DG1T4WLimL
— Razzball (@Razzball) August 13, 2019
Corey Seager – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. He should talk to teammates about the polio vaccine because he’s living in the dead-ball era with ten homers.
Justin Turner – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. He is a just a gritty player. Not the adjective, the mascot.
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-5, and his 39th homer. He should change his name to Cody Bazinga.
Will Smith – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .324. I Am Legend! Our best shot for Will Smith next year is if Yahoo and ESPN are asleep at the wheel and rank him way too low. So, 70/30 odds.
Dustin May – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.65. This start was vs. the Mehlins, so I’m not buying a Carrot Top costume and a May jersey just yet, but I only need 40 IP of ace pitching from him to counterbalance Paddack’s eventual shutdown. C’mon, May, do it for Grey!
Rowdy Tellez – Recalled from Triple-A Buffalo, where their wings are wild and O.J. is still a hero. Maybe the Blow Jays heard me repeatedly say DFA Smoak and they’ll give Rowdy a run of the place. At 24 years of age, he should’ve been playing since April. Jays are so stupid. Any hoo! For mixed leagues, I like Tellez, if he’s playing <emphasis>and</emphasis> hitting.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many days. Yesterday, I said he never hits one home run without following it the next day with another homer. That usually doesn’t happen three games in the row though, that’s the caveat in the rental plan.
Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Again, with a little stank — HE HAS 19 HOMERS! Corey Seager has 10! I know, different positions, but woof on Corey again. As for Teoscar, he’s been hot for a while now with four homers in the last week.
Jose Alvarado – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.94, as he was activated from the IL. Now Cash can name him the closer and have him start the 6th inning.
Josh Hader – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, and a three-run homer allowed to Marwin Gonzalez (!) and out after six pitches. He’s not right. I know, not breaking news at this point, but I’m waiting to hear Josh Hader’s had a dead arm for the last month. Since July: 7 homers allowed, and as many homers allowed this year as his 1st two years combined.
Mitch Garver – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…
Jose Altuve – 2-for-8 and his 21st homer, hitting .303. That home run measured the length of one Altuve that was pulled like taffy for 400 feet.
George Springer – 4-for-9, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer. Imagine if he stayed healthy for one whole season. *sees his 2016 season* Okay, that killed my imagination.
Gerrit Cole – Was a late scratch after hurting his hamstring during his warmups. If you own him, I’d find a man of faith and have him bless your fantasy team.
Ivan Nova – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.51. This start was vs. the Astros. I will now cackle-snort into oncoming traffic. I’m over here putting starters in my lineup with beads of sweat coming down my face like I’m Ted Striker and Nova’s like en bee dee, my good man. He now has 19 straight scoreless innings and he goes to Minnesota next, which I’m sure will be another shutout.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 12th, 13th and 14th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said he’s the 77th player to hit three homers in a game this year, but the first one to elicit a phone call from his mother proclaiming him ‘the favorite Seager.’ Seager has six homers in the last eleven games, so obviously there seems to be something here.
Matthew Boyd – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 4 homers allowed, ERA at 4.38. Well, Snafu Boyd returned. Damn, he has such a problem with homers allowed.
Travis Demeritte – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd steal (in 12 games), hitting .262. I’m so intrigued by Demeritte I’m like a little schoolgirl! Show me more, Mr. Demeritte!
Austin Riley – Could see live action in two weeks, according to Dr. James Andrews. In other words, Riley’s credit was bad and didn’t have enough in the bank for a Dr. James Andrews procedure.
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 34th homer. I don’t want to get silly with myself, but Tildaddy’s on the verge of being the most valuable player in all of fantasy.
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.88, and his 2nd save as Shane Greene seems totally done now, giving up 2 ER in the 8th and Luke Jackson working a clean 7th. It’s almost like two negatives (Greene, Jackson) became a positive (Melancon), but I’m positive Melancon is not good either. He appears to be the closer though, so SAGNOF.
Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 5 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.36 as he gave up his career high in hits (12) and why can’t I have anything nice? Wheeler tied me to the WHIPping post and I hate him again. Now I want to start Matz today, because I figure how worse can it get, then I think about how it can get much worse.
Anthony Santander – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in as many days, hitting .303, and about the 5th mention of him being a hot schmotato in the last week.
Jon Gray – Scratched due to an ankle injury. Still have never heard of a cankle injury. You screwed up, God! Everyone needs cankles!
Dom Nunez – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Catching prospect called up to replace Iannetta. I saw one site say Nunez would get a chance to prove himself in the final six weeks and I had a full-throated laugh. The Rockies playing a rookie?! As Dark Helmet once said, you fell for the oldest trick in the book, mon. Though, after he homered, I fell for it too, because I picked him up. Stupid banana-in-the-old-tailpipe!
David Peralta – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. I picked him up yesterday for a batty call. You batting your eyelashes, “Grey, sir, over-the-internet friend, handsome slayer, how did you know to pick up Peralta?” He was in Coors.
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer. It’s middle of August and Jarrod Dyson has only five less homers than Aaron Judgeah–Damn, I almost wrote that whole thing in tears falling from my cheeks and hitting my keyboard.
Nick Ahmed – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 3rd homer in as many games. Sure, hot schmotato, but also Coors. A deadly combo like a remake of The Fly with a dog and a comedian named The Great Dane Cook.
Griffin Canning – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.86, as he was activated from the IL, and I still wouldn’t own him.
Josh Bell – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer, and 4th homer in three games. Damn, Cousin Sweatpants, when he gets hot, he gets smoking. Before this year, he never struck me as an all-hot or all-cold type player.
Carlos Martinez – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.41, and his 13th save. Serious question, does he transition back to the rotation next year? My guess is yes, but I don’t know.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 27th homer, hitting .288. You know what kind of season he’s having, right? One that elicits this next March, “You go ahead and draft your Rhys Hoskins, I’m taking Carlos Santana five rounds later!” Then three months later, you’re wondering why you didn’t take Hoskins.
Franmil Reyes – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. This $54 vending machine steak feels like he could hit 35 homers for the next ten years. Not 35 homers cumulatively, who is, Tommy Herr? I mean in each season.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. JBJ is alive and well, living in Brookline and saying ‘era’ between all nouns.
Nathan Eovaldi – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 6.12. Prior to the game, Alex Cora said Eovaldi will now work as a starter, then had him come into the 8th inning. Then Andrew Cashner came in for the save. I’m dying. WUT. Even the Orioles think that’s crazy. In one instant, Cora says one thing; in another instant, he says something else. Don’t worry, Cora will capture those moments for you with random pitchers. Alex Cora: The Instagramanager.