Yesterday, the Dodgers called up Jonny DeLuca. He’s been tearing up Triple-A, which is pretty impressive for a studio enforcer who’s having an affair with Lana Turner. Jonny DeLuca’s got all the photogs on call, and, yeah, see, he’s got pics of your favorite movie stars in ways you don’t wanna see them, see. He’s also got solid power and speed, and had a 15% strikeout rate in Triple-A, so the contact is there too. Think he might be more of an NL-Only or deeper mixed league guy for now, but worth monocling. Unless you wanna see your dame splashed all over Look! magazine. Also, the Cards are calling up Luken Baker, but, if you’ve seen him, he looks exactly like Adam Dunn. In the minors, he even wore his number.

Someone put oven mitts on a Donkey and send him to the plate. We got a Donkey Baker. That is one at-bat but what a perfect encapsulation of Donkey Baker — a broken bat home run. The forest called — it wants its blue ox back! The size of this man — Can I call him a man? Seems a bit more like a tractor trailer. — shines directly through his numbers: 18 HRs in 54 games. He’s also hitting for a .313 average in Triple-A, but he’s 26 years old. My guess is by the 17th time you see the same Triple-A pitchers, you start to get familiar with their stuff, or lack of, i.e., he might be a Quad-A player, but he also might come up and hit 20 homers in a 80-ish games, because pitchers aren’t familiar with him. Picturing Jordan Walker and Luken Baker next to each other and asking them to take a few steps back so I can see both at the same time without craning my head and moving it back and forth like a panorama. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Bryan Woo – 2 IP, 6 ER as he debuted for the M’s. Woo is the stylin’, profilin’, limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin’ and dealin’ son of a gun. Woo is every woman’s dream and every man’s nightmare. To be the man, you gotta beat the man, Woo. Woo seemed a decent distance away at the start of the year, and now he seems further away. Woo’s K/9 in the minors (12.1) has me piqued, but he seems susceptible to fly balls, which could hurt him in away games. Woo is lowercase woo for me, but could become WOO or even WOOOOOOOOOO.

Bryce Miller – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.46. Finally some people who didn’t have Grayson or Stone know the trauma I’m dealing with.

Corey Seager – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 6th homer. Though, on the reals, if you start a pitcher vs. the Rangers you have a death wish.

Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 1 hit, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.24. “Your American League All-Star starting pitcher…Nathan Eovaldi!”

Jonah Heim – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .293. Hit ’em with the Heim!

Zach Plesac – Designated for assignment. “What’s up, cats and kittens? It’s your boy Zach Plesac here. Just chillaxing in the hotel jacooz when I heard the news. Don’t worry, you can’t keep your boy Zach down like pineapple on a za after three Micheladas!”

Triston McKenzie – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “Can someone call 911? My arm is stuck in the snack machine.”

Willi Castro – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .263. He has been playing, even with the return of Polanco, could help that Kirilloff is banged up and Gallo is on IL. Willi stilli feels like a 15-teamer or deeper, but I’m obviously monocling.

Royce Lewis – 0-for-4, but took a serious tumble over first baseman Gabriel Arias, which Lewis thankfully walked away from, incredibly. Arias had supreme idiot footwork at 1st base (bad footwork with sour cream), but the way Lewis fell shows why he’s always injured. Run over the guy, don’t Triple Lindy over him.

Stephen Strasburg – Has severe nerve damage. Terrible news. Even worse, the news was delivered by a doctor imitating Curly, saying, “What noive.”

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .172. As he rounded the bases, Schwarber yelled, “It’s June, snitches!”

Drew Ellis – 3-for-3, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Dr. Ellis homered twice or am I on LSD?

Trea Turner – 0-for-5 as the Phils scored 11. I’d say Ticker Tease, but more like Trea Ticker this year.

Ranger Suarez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.47. He’s a 3.70 ERA pitcher, so he has a lot of positive correction coming.

Garrett Whitlock – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.61. I don’t know, guys and five lady readers, Whitlock only had elbow issues a few weeks ago. That doesn’t magically clear up?

Tyler Glasnow – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Watching him is a joy. That curve? A chef’s kiss that echoes from the purple mountains majesty to the deepest valleys. Shame he can’t stay on the field. One of these years he will be a top five starter. You’d think by looking at his stuff.

Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.07. Do you know how bad you gotta be to give up five earned to the A’s? Like “secretly needs Tommy John surgery” bad.

Garrett Cooper – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer in his first game since Tuesday. Cooper’s the kind to go from zero to schmotato, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the start of a run.

Jose Altuve – Out with an oblique injury. He’s not being sent for an MRI though. Astros said, “There’s no MRIs small enough.”

J.P. France – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.44 vs. Griffin Canning – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.47. This matchup was billed, “Canning in France’s home is fine, but I prefer bottling with Perrier.” Went to look at both guys’ player pages. Canning looks better than France, but both seem like Streamonator calls still in 12 team mixed and shallower.

Patrick Sandoval – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.14. Last time out I warned the Regression Fairies were coming for Sandoval soon. Looks like they didn’t have any prior obligations this Saturday.

Alex Wood – Hit the IL with a lower back strain. That’s what they’re calling “Can’t pitch worth a crap” nowadays.

Anthony DeSclafani – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.97. He should be better at home, instead his Home/Away splits make a slowly rotating finger by one’s ear.

Tyler Wells – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.29. On the team where I have Wells, my worst pitcher is Aaron Nola. Just as I drew it up. Sorry, meant “threw it up.” That’s very specifically about my teams (like the rest of this shizz), but it does go to the bottom line: Pitching has no rhyme or reason.

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. My goodness, he’s gorgeous. Daddy loves you!

Ketel Marte – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Don’t look now but Ketel’s got a little power back.

Miguel Castro – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.46, and the massive blown save. A Castrophe.

Ozzie Albies – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (2). Long live the Short Kings!

Eddie Rosario – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, and three homers in the series in the desert. Hot schmotato alert!

Yan Gomes – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Punting catcher works, Yan can attest.

Miguel Amaya – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st career homer, as he DHs and backs up Gomes. He’s got power and takes a ton of walks, but, if being honest, I’m not clear of his playing time. Seems like an NL-Only guy for now.

Alex Faedo – Hit the IL with “Grey just picked him up for a two-start week, and that em-effer is jinxed.”

Michael Lorenzen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.21. Very happy I started Lance Lynn instead of Lorenzen in a weekly league. Very, very happy.

Jake Burger – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .265, out of the two hole. That’s where Burger’s go for me too. Burger’s death blow to Alex Lange (1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.55) was incredibly unfortunate for the brand. The brand being: Not being garbage. Lange might consider going vegan.

Liam Hendriks – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 6.00, as he went on back-to-back days, and worked the 9th in a losing game, which could be a wink-wink that he’s going to start getting saves.

Brady Singer – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 7 Ks, ERA at 6.45. The better command is encouraging, but the velocity and hard contact is pretty awful still. I don’t think he’s right.

Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.66. Lance Lynn is this year’s Berrios. Wonder who will be next year’s. Trying to think who I will draft as my 3rd starter. Could it be Charlie Morton. And now I hate Morton and he hasn’t even done anything. Yet.

Yusei Kikuchi – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Not even gonna mention Senga’s 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER start, but you know I’m aggravated. What’s also aggravating is every time I start Kikuchi he sucks, and every time I don’t he’s great.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Cake Batter backing that thang up. (Thang is the ball.)

Brandon Belt – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .259. Belt tends to get hot, so make like Mr. Furley and pulled up your Belt!

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer. Albombso!

Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, and his 4th and 5th homer, as he hit leadoff. Find someone who loves you like Showalter loves Pham. Obviously he’s never been in a fantasy football league with him.

Starling Marte – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. One way to go here is use this as a buying opportunity, but I think smarter move is using this as a sell.

Michael Grove – 5 IP, 4 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 8.14, as he was activated from the IL. He missed six weeks with a groin strain. Better than taking a groin out at The Grove. He’s at best a Streamonator call.

Bobby Miller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.06. On my tombstone, it’s gonna read, “Freakin’ Gavin Stone couldn’t have done what Bobby Miller did?”

J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, and 5th homer this week. Just Dong because anything else would be mislabeled.

Nestor Cortes – Hit the IL with shoulder issues. Yeah, of course. Makes sense. He didn’t suddenly become bad. Wish they would’ve told us about 10 starts ago.

Domingo German – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Domingo on Sunday? C’mon, that’s almost cheating. Something he’s familiar with.

TJ Friedl – Hit the IL. Shame the Reds don’t have anyone to promote to fill-in for his bat.

Andrew Abbott – Called up to take the ball on Monday, and the Reds will move to a six-man rotation. Though, that assumed Dumb Bell can count to six. “Hey, Abbott!!!” has big-time strikeouts and zero command, which tells me he’s going to get crushed in Great American Smallpark, which means he’ll be the top starter call-up this year, because I have reverse jinxed him. Up being down, black being white, Mick being Foley. 90 Ks in 54 MiLB IP this year is reason to pick him up. He could get absolutely crushed though.

Jake Fraley – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato? Fr fr Fraley.

Adrian Houser – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.45. Went to look at Streamonator for Houser and Streamonator said, “Damn, boy, you desperate.”

Andruw Monasterio – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 1st big league homer. Monasterio learned how to hit at his own pace, by being handed a bat and the teacher walking away.

Jon Singleton – 0-for-3, 1 run as he was recalled by the Brewers. Movie Trailer Voice, “His first appearance back in the majors since 2015. His story back from addiction to marijuana is an aspiring tale of resolve and less bong hits. Tenacity is no longer just a misheard town in New Jersey. It’s endurance and determination. Starring Morgan Freeman as God; Jon Hamm as the Brewers’ manager, Craig Counsell, and Jonah Hill, gaining back all that weight to play Rowdy Tellez.” Cut to Jonah Hill as Rowdy, “We should trade for Jake Burger. I’m hungry.” Cut back to the dugout for Jon Singleton’s emerging from the clubhouse, “And as Jon Singleton….It’s Michael B. Jordan.” Michael B. Jordan says to the camera, “It’s time to put the ‘can’ in Wakanda.”