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This weekend Wander Franco hit the IL, and will see a doctor on Monday for his wrist and hamate bone and I want to die. Put me in a grave, shovel dirt on my head, and say your farewells. To be less histrionic and more just that down-home Grey that you’ve come to know and love, I want my woobie! Here’s Kenneth Cashman, the man behind Rotowear, mocking me:

Okay, Wander Franco was barely a top 250th overall player this year on the Player Rater, so, while I expected more, if you’ve survived this long with (aka without) him, you’ll be fine moving forward. I have faith in youse, my large adult sons, and five adult daughters. Taking his place will be Jonathan Aranda, who was recalled. I will say this about Rays prospects, they roll right off the fingertips. Aranadaadadadadadadada, McClanahananananananananananan…Though Lowe’s a hard stop. Aranada was tearing up Triple-A. Hey, kinda like Brujan! And Josh Lowe! And literally every Rays prospect who comes up and fizzles. Aranda is a decent power guy with a solid hit tool. Think a young France. Call him Tintin. In most leagues, you can prolly find better guys on waivers. Now, get lost while I try to cure my Wander lust. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Christian Bethancourt – Rays acquired him. Bethancourt will now become a lights-out middle reliever. Hopefully, Tampa welcomes Bethancourt with open arms and closed mouth, by renaming themselves, the Tampa Bayeth Rath.

Jeffrey Springs – Hit the IL with lower leg tightness. When it rains, it pours, i.e., Springs is synonymous with April showers.

Shane Baz – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.00. “Bazinga” as defined by the Urban Dictionary as “fooled you.” In a sentence, “You thought it was a good idea to start Shane Bazinga!”

Josh Lowe – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Definitely cyclops with a monocle on Lowe, but, as sorta alluded to in the opening, Rays just platoon so many guys it’s hard to get excited about any of them.

Hunter Greene – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 5.70. Rostering this guy is like being an assistant for a magician learning their trade. “So, I just put this saw right here in my assistant’s midsection.” You gulp. Will the magician successfully pull off the trick or saw you half? No one knows! Enjoy rostering Hunter Greene!

Tyler Stephenson – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I don’t believe your definition of confirmation bias, I’m going to google it for myself.”

Jonathan India – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. That’s it India, Goa on.

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Mostsuckass was Moistasskiss for one brief moment.

Nick Lodolo – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.44. Reds jumped out to a huge early lead, and Lodolo hailed a ride to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.

Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.91. Live with my agony for a second, in NL-Only Tout Wars, I drafted cheap pitchers, as usual, and got Cueto (drafted before he signed with AL, so was able to be kept) and Jose Quintana, so that’ll do a lot of help on the pitching front. Thankfully, I drafted a ton of offense, right? Well, I did get Jon Berti for a $1, so I must be doing great, right? Can you tell where I’m headed? I spent heavy on Matt Olson, Juan Soto, Seiya Suzuki, Dylan Carlson and Ozzie Albies. Just an absolute mess on hitting. Any hoo! You don’t care. Cueto is still available in my 15-team leagues, as of this writing, but won’t be if my FAAB bids win him on Sunday night.

Gavin Sheets – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer. Speaking of FAAB, Sheets is also on my list of possible pickups. On the 7-day Player Rater, he’s been about as valuable as Judge. Zoinks!

Javier Baez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. If you had both Baez/India homer on your fantasy team, you had a great Sunday, and moved within 85 points of first.

Drew Hutchison – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Went to look at his player page to see his peripherals and Google instead raspberried its lips.

Carlos Rodon – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Rodonuculous.

Wilmer Flores – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, and three homers in the last two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Alex Wood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.43. Not sure if he’s out of himself yet, but solid last three starts. Maybe the Giants’ starters can finally get some positive regression.

MacKenzie Gore – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.08. The Regression Fairies Gore’d me.

Kyle Gibson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.53. Streamonator hates his last start before the break, but, if I’m being honest (for once), I could see the stream.

Corey Knebel – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.09, and his 12th save on Saturday. Looks like Knebel might be back in Rob Thomson’s good graces, like the Matchbox Twenty touring band.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 28th homer. Schwammer’s homers are like a real-life clapping emoji.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, and his 5th homer. That’s All-Star Albert Pujols to you. I’m actually fine with Manfred putting Pujols on the All-Star team, because he’s an all-timer, and as a special send-off. I find it hilarious that he also added Miguel Cabrera to the All-Star game. Miggy’s still under contract for next year. This isn’t his last year, even though it should be. Since they’ll both be there, I suggest that before the Home Run Derby, Miggy vs Pujols in a 50-yard dash. Like you wouldn’t watch.

Tyler O’Neill – MRI revealed a tear in his wrist. Funny I have tears in my eyes.

Marcus Stroman – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.91, as he was activated. What an absolutely lost year for this dude. Gotta suck to leave a team that gets markedly better (Mets) to go to one that isn’t trying.

David Bote – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1). Don’t rock the Bote; don’t tip the Bote over; don’t pick up the Bote.

Julio Urias – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.01. Gave up a 1st inning grand slam to Pajamas Higgins, as Urias was absolutely deadbeaten from the start.

Freddie Freeman – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 11th homer. He dedicated that home run to the best fans in the world, the Braves fans.

George Kirby – Optioned to Triple-A. Damn, that’s gotta be the earliest I can remember a team throttling a guy’s innings. It’s barely July. Guess that’s good for us drafting him next year. Does shizz from shinola for us this year. M’s say he should be back soon after the break, so I’d try to hold in most leagues.

Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.80. Better watch out or you’ll get shutdown too, as the Mariners actively try to take themselves out of contention. Mariners are sailors, guys, not sellers, necessarily.

George Springer – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Springer? Can’t we go dutch?

Bo Bichette – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Get hotter than the sun for two months. Please, Boba.

Carlos Santana – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. Good to see Carlos Santana rocking again!

Oneil Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. He was Friday’s Sell, and if you can use this homer to further that cause, I would still. In the words of Gandhi, I am not a hater, I am a realist.

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .251. His power and speed are so whatever about to start calling him Be’Yawnin.

Bryan Reynolds – Left Sunday’s game with side discomfort. Uh-oh, that sounds mighty oblique.

Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. A’la Justin Timberlake, “I’m bringin’ jelly ‘Bach.”

Kutter Crawford – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Goodbye, Kirby; hello, Kutter, as they say in my head while making waiver moves. Kutter’s got a 11.4 K/9, and wonky command, so a roofie is possible, but I’ve decided to loosen the waiver wire finger and I put in bids on Kutter for this week in shallower weekly leagues. In daily leagues, I’m still streaming.

J.D. Martinez – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .311. Name’s Dong, Just Dong.

Franchy Cordero – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. One Franchy fly to go!

Matt Carpenter – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. As frequent commenter, Los Locos, said, “Matt Carpenter has 10 homers in 27 games. Why doesn’t he play everyday? Bellinger has 11 homers. Can’t believe I still roster Bellinger.” Yup.

Patrick Sandoval – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.95, and the loss, as he made the mistake of pitching on a day Trout and Ohtani did nothing. “Excuse me!” That’s Michael Stefanic, the Angels’ 2nd baseman who I just found out exists.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.65. Thinking about Bumgarner and Chris Sale trapped in an elevator and wondering which one emerges alive. Keep changing my answer.

Kris Bryant – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer on Saturday. Decided to rank Bryant in the top 100 for the 2nd half that will be out during the break, and this week on our Patreon. Then removed Bryant. Then added him again. And…I don’t know. It’s so hard to put aside a garbage 1st half for a promising 2nd, but that’s the nature of the biz. Ha, I called this a biz.

Ketel Marte – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. As he rounded first base, Ketel popped a bubble with his gum and I wanted to pop him in the nose. Bubble popping as you round the bases should be allowed for only hitters who are in the top 5% of homers. You pop your gum on some rinky-dink homer off some bozo pitcher and it’s an automatic out.

Yordan Alvarez – Hit the IL with hand soreness and went back to Houston to have it checked out. We need a prayer hexagon immediately that this is a day-to-day situation, and not a season-ending shituation.

Jake Odorizzi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Not sure who said a robot couldn’t love a human, but the Streamonator liked Odorizzi’s Sunday start, and loves his next one.

Mitch Garver – Will undergo season-ending surgery. Don’t cry for him, that completes his surgery stamp card. Next one is on the house!

Martin Perez – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.72 vs. Devin Smeltzer – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.92. Regression Fairies were galloping around on a mop dressed like a unicorn and just wrecking both sides of this game.

Byron Buxton – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer, hitting .215. Most exciting .215 hitter ever? My money’s on him. Or maybe I should say *pinkie to mouth* Bux.

Ryan Jeffers – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Hate to call catchers hot schmotatoes, but alas.

Robinson Cano – Traded from the Padres to the Braves. First time in history a player is getting a farewell tour by playing for each team.

Austin Riley – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Mean’s while, I’m holding out my hands like Oliver asking for Matt Olson’s gruel.

Braxton Garrett – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.33. Already grabbed him because the Streamonator said he was a good stream for this upcoming week, and now we bow our heads and hope Braxton doesn’t break our unbroken heart.

Triston McKenzie – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Hasn’t been much talk about Triston this year, and I think that’s because he weighs 128 pounds and y’all a bunch of thinists!

Taijuan Walker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.63 vs. Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.73. Alcantara’s thrown 7+ innings in 12 straight starts. Last time someone did that was eight years ago by Kershaw. And, yesterday, Walker, looked just as good.

James McCann – Hit the IL with an oblique injury. For those wondering, the Mets’ beat writers said the Mets didn’t consider calling up Francisco Alvarez. My guess is he’s a next June call-up, at the earliest. Crap news, I know. But all news about McCann is crap news. Nature of being in McCann’s business.