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This weekend Jay Bruce was traded to the Phillies, because, as the front office in Philly put it, “We’re sick of our autocorrect writing Bruce Harper. Now we write Bruce Harper and rather than backspacing we can just continue on and we’ve typed out two-thirds of our outfield. Next we have to try to get Michael Chavis, for our issue with the autocorrect Michael Franco.” Guys and five girl readers, the Phillies have a plan! This move also kills two birds with one stone since now Bryce Harper will look so much better by comparison. Before, “Man, Bryce stinks.” After, “Man, Bruce stinks.” Autocorrect and by comparison — done and done! This likely puts David Herrera’s time all but done on the Phils and maybe baseball until the Astros take a chance on him. Yes, Odubel’s real name is David, which is now what we, like the cops, call him. As for Bruce, this is a boost up for him, due to park and lineup. Now he’s a 30-homer hitter with a .225 average and better runs and RBIs. Can I get a middle-case yay? With Bruce on the Phils, maybe they’ll bring back Ryan Howard to play the sax. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Nick Pivetta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 6.14, but ten straight scoreless innings since his hiccup in his 1st start back, minus the 450+ innings of hiccups prior to that and oh God I’m going back in and I can’t even pause for a comma what has become of me don’t answer ahhhhh!!! A mouth enters on the left side of the screen and says, “Pi…,” and a mouth enters on the right side and says, “…neda.” Cut! Director enters and pulls aside the right mouth, “We’re saying Pivetta, not Pineda.” Right mouth, “Are we though?” For the upside, I could see the Pivetta gamble, but I’m still scared.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .272. Imagine what he’d be doing if he played every day. *wavy lines* Pederson has one more homer and is hitting ten points lower. *wavy lines* Worst dream ever!
Gio Gonzalez – Hit the IL with a dead arm. They gave his arm a very respective Viking funeral and everyone wept.
Jhoulys Chacin – Hit the IL with a back strain. The Brewers are making up a lot of fake injuries to get Jimmy Nelson back in the rotation. They only needed one, so Freddy Peralta could also be on the move into the rotation. Nelson is a fine add in mixed leagues, where you need to gamble on upside. He has missed a significant chunk of time (since 2017) with a shoulder injury, so he’s a risky bet. I like crazy, but I have a nut allergy to FP Saintvelo and am not adding Freddy in mixed leagues.
Keston Hiura – 0-for-4, 1 run, and three homers in the last five games, as he hit cleanup, hitting .281. Great news! Dot dot dot. Or terrible news as he’s warming up the spot for Travis Shaw.
Eric Thames – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games, and 2nd homer since I dropped him one league. *places head down on toy railroad tracks* Chugga-chugga. If Thames is out there, I could see giving him a whirl.
Zach Davies – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.20. Davies has a 5.8 K/9 and a 4.81 xFIP. I blindly cackled around my office until I ran into a screenshot of a 1st place team owning Davies. Hey, Cougs, take down these screenshots!
Nick Kingham – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.91. “I preach pitch-to-contact, and Kingham showed great results.” That’s Ray Searage talking to the media as Kingham stood behind him with a sign that read, “Someone please trade for me.”
Yandy Diaz – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “When I said, ‘I’d like to stuff her inbox,’ I meant I needed to send her an email.”
Christian Arroyo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Might be squeezed for playing time with Lowe — the other Lowe, the Lowe that doesn’t sound like Lowe. However, Arroyo does appear to be hot schmotato’ing.
Mitch Garver – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL, and ledoff. March Grey would be shock at how fast June Grey tried to add Garver in every one of his leagues.
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.96. He’s not quite a 2.00 ERA guy, but if you haven’t seen Odorizzi recently, I watched yesterday for both of us. He’s a new pitcher from his Rays’ days (I’m a poet and aware of it). Odorizzi working up in the zone, hitting 94-95, which is a big departure from his 91-92 MPH fastball coming into this year. He currently has the 5th most swinging strikes on four-seamers, and all of the top 10 is sexy, and the top two are G. Cole and deGrom. Odorizzi looks like a solid #2, in a good way.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th steal, hitting .267. He leads the AL in doubles and Byron Buxton looks like a top 20 fantasy bat for 2020. Ball just jumps off his bat. Yes, I’m coming around on Buxton. Just maybe Mondesi 2019 = Buxton 2020.
Taylor Rogers – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.08, and his 5th save. It seemed like the Twins have been waiting for Blake Parker (1 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.61) to pitch himself out of the closer job, and yesterday the Twins might’ve got their wish when they asked, won’t you be my closer, Mr. Rogers?
Mike Clevinger – Threw a simulated game on Saturday and I simulated the rodeo on the back of a double-manned horse costume, as I assimilated into cowboy culture to be a true Paddack fan.
Zach Plesac – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.46. Podcaster Ralph and I talked about Plesac on the last pod. The gist, as I remember it, is PR liked him, and I conceded that he might be safer than most rookie pitchers because of his command. I’ll tell ya one thing that’s not fully cogent, while not knowing that cogent means, I don’t trust the Indians at all this year.
Lucas Giolito – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 9 Ks, ERA at 2.54. Nothing bad about Giolito no matter how many times the White Sox keep subtitling him in the box score with A. BUMMER.
Tim Anderson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .330. Loved his bat flip yesterday. He flipped his bat behind his back like a baton to a waiting marching band who followed him around the bases. Since my Sell of him and prior to yesterday (from May 11th), he hit one homer and stole three bases. Cust kayin’.
Myles Straw – 3-for-4, 3 runs and three steals, his 1st three. Hey, Straw, I drink up your quickshake!
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer, hitting .195. Also, in this game, Robbie Grossman (3-for-5) hit his 4th homer, while commenting on his own ability with his last name; Matt Chapman (3-for-6) hit his 16th homer after dropping his middle name, due to Witness Protection, and Ramon Laureano (1-for-5) hit his 7th homer, as he reminds me that I drafted him in every league like a schmohawk.
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer, hitting .261. There’s so many homers this year someone’s going to hit 40 homers and not even be owned in 50% of leagues. Renfroe’s as good a bet as any.
Matt Strahm – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.03. I’m sorry this happened to you, Strahm owners, but the Regression Fairies better take their kombucha and get the hell away from the Padres when Paddack is up.
Jorge Alfaro – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .278. How did I know I wanted to draft Alfaro in every league? I’m a witch! Also, he hits the ball far(o).
Garrett Cooper – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Cooper’s like Dahl to me, in that I love him, and keep talking about him, then I see how many homers I have and I’m like, “Did I get transported back to the dead-ball era?”
Trevor Richards – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.53. Yesterday’s game was stopped for bees:
Hoping this is Ian Kinsler under the bees so the Padres have to bring up Luis Urias pic.twitter.com/v0BicBskNB
— Razzball (@Razzball) June 2, 2019
Brandon Crawford – 2-for-5 and his 4th and 5th homers. I’m sorry there’s no one who hits two homers that could be boring. *pushes straw through juice bag, sucks on air* Except any Giants hitter.
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.61. I guess Tyler Beede could be interesting. Sorry, I was answering in my head if any Giants pitchers weren’t boring.
Joey Gallo – Hit the IL with an oblique injury. “Nooooooooooo! Not the dreaded oblique! Oh, c’mon, why can’t I have anything nice?” That was a 2019 Gallo whine.
Lance Lynn – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.50. I suggested Lynn in Friday’s Buy, because of the Streamonator. The Streamonator predicted a line for Lynn of 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Six baserunners, you dumb robot! Six! Not seven! *walks to the side of stage for an aside* Sometimes, you just have to embarrass the machine.
Adrian Sampson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (zero BBs), 11 Ks, ERA at 4.14. Hmm, eleven yaaaaaaa outttttttta herrrrrrre’s and no free passes gets the Fantasy Master Lothario to look a little bit closer. Sampson’s last four games: 22 2/3 IP, 2.38 ERA, 23 Ks, 2 BBs, and his velocity is up. Streamonator hates his next start, but I’m full-on cyclops with a monocle now.
Jorge Soler – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer, hitting .239. Too bad this is the point where he injures himself for the rest of the season. Damn. Is this a jinx or a reverse jinx because I’m asking about it?
Garrett Hampson – Recalled from the minors to sit the bench. Rockies should just call their bench Quad-A.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .345. I found a message in a bottle with the coordinates for a family that’s been stranded on a deserted island for the last 20 years. Before I take the note to the authorities, I’m going to absentmindedly leave it by this open window–NOOO!!! Torenado!
Chris Iannetta – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .261. Yesterday, the Rockies announcer said after his home run, “Iannetta is really picking his spots this year.” Right, he’s choosing not to hit homers in every other at-bat. Oh….*swims across the English Channel*…kay.
Alex Reyes – Sounds like he could return next weekend as a starter. I’m conflicted about even mentioning him, because I know y’all are gonna wanna add him, and I’m just not sure how ready he is to be a starter every fifth day in the majors. Since he is a future ace, it’s hard to say don’t pick him up, but do I think a guy like, say, Wade Miley in the right matchups is a better bet in shallower leagues? Yeah, hence the frickin’ example! So, yes, pick him up, but do I fully trust him? Does it sound like it?
Jordan Hicks – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and yanked from a save opportunity quick-fast to give me the impression that this could be the end of the road for Hicks for at least the near future. On Saturday, Carlos Martinez notched the save and yesterday it was John Gant (2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.15, 3rd save). Jordan to Gant makes me want to rock like Leo Mazzone (though I believe the Braves went from Gant to Jordan), but I grabbed C-Mart, since he has been the setup man and was used in two previous games, which is why he wasn’t available. Gant hasn’t been bad though either. Whee, a closerousel!
Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (7 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 4.34. It’s been almost nine years since someone threw eight scoreless innings and 7 or more walks. The last to do it was Edwin Jackson during his no-hitter. If you know which team Edwin threw his no-hitter for, you either have a good memory or you’re Edwin.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.62. He gave the Cards the Hole Camels, and they couldn’t handle it, but Kolten Wong did go 2-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI with his 9th steal, which did send Camels into a MI rage. Word play FTW!
Jacob deGrom – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Seemed like he tweaked his hip, but then he stayed in the dugout after he was pulled and histrionically flayed his arms while the Mets’ bullpen melted down, so deGrom is likely fine. I mean, health-wise. He’s still relying on Familia (6.56 ERA) and others, i.e., a Familia’r scene.
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.97. Pretty cool of Steven Matz to think ahead and give the Mets’ high-leverage bullpen a day off.
Merril Kelly – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.41. Yesterday, he faced the Not-Your-April Mets. Not even the Not-Your-April-Or-May-Which-Was-Still-Not-Great Mets.
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .288. If I had a nickel for every person who said to me in March, “Are you sure you didn’t make a mistake by ranking Escobar so high?” I’d have thirty-five cents and would be able to pay for this parking meter I’m putting a paper bag over.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .280. Ketel or Starling Marte? Is it even close?
Mike Soroka – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.41. Damn, to have that ERA on my team. Soroka really brings the heat! He’ll also answer to Mike The Rooster Sauce. Not to be confused with Tony Tarasco, or the one-time pitching prospect, Tom Yum Khai.
Julio Teheran – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.28. I don’t like Teheran, but yesterday the Streamonator gave Teheran a good score, opened its robot arms and whispered in my ear, “Go ahead, fall back, I’ll catch you.” It did catch me! Unfortunately, its metal arms hurt to fall into and one of its bolts scratched the back of my forearm. Hindarm?
JaCoby Jones – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .236, but hitting near-.450 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Dansby Swanson – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, as he hits in the two-hole. On a side note, little did we know giving Albies (0-for-3, 1 RBI) a terrible contract would cause him to live up to it.
Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.09. According to our tools (hehe, I said tools), Heaney is owned in 96% of RCL leagues (smart). Mean’s while, Heaney’s owned in 50% of ESPN leagues (dumb). Not sure why I never thought of this before, but we should all pool our money together and enter random leagues for money against strangers. Help each other beat them, then split up the winnings amongst all Razzballers. We will hive mind the crap out of them. Is this legal? Possible? Did I just explain a Ponzi scheme? What is a Ponzi scheme? I got questions, y’all!
Jose Suarez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks as he made his 1st major league start. The Angels called up their top pitching prospect (according to Prospect Mike), though PM did have him neck-and-neck with Canning. Suarez looks like he’s been struggling with command this year, but he’s younger than Canning, so maybe a bit more upside in keepers. Can you tell I’m nonplussed? Nonplussed as it sounds like it means and not actually means, no relation to John.
Luis Rengifo – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .234. I grabbed him in one league, because I want to own all of the Angels middle infielders and, no, this isn’t a typo.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 11th homer. Statcast is saying it took Pujols 55 seconds on his home run trot. Pretty disgraceful for a guy to be doing that in a blowout–Oh, I’m being told he was running at full speed.
David Fletcher – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .323. That’s so Fletch.
Marco Gonzales – 4 2/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 4.89 Kikuchi pulled Gonzales aside before the game to give him some pointers and it seems to be paying off already.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer, hitting .294. Just Dong because he was born to.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .305. Bogaerts out here sneakily being more valuable than Just Dong.
Matt Barnes – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.04, as Brandon Workman (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.05) got his 2nd save. Okay, so let me see if I have this straight. Brasier owns Barnes for saves, but Barnes owns Workman, and we’re not sure who Cora owns?
Domingo German – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.66. “It’s getting stuffy in here, I used to be feeling this sweet little draft.” That’s because the Sell High Window was just shut.
Luke Voit – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer, hitting .268. Oh snap! Voit out here challenging Alonso to answer for his crimes. Namely, not homering this weekend.
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 15 Ks, ERA at 3.06, as he threw 120 pitches. That’s one way to avoid the Nats bullpen’s problems. You can’t die from vegetables laced with rat poison if you don’t eat vegetables. Nah’mean?
Fernando Rodney – Signed with the Nats. One Nats front office exec, “Our bullpen can’t get worse, right?” Another Nats exec, “Not sure, but I think they’re saying they want us to try to make it worse.”
