James Paxton went from a 16-K game last week to a no hitter. *genuflects* We’re not James Worthy. We’re not James Worthy. That’s how one genuflects in Los Angeles, by the way. You seeing someone doing it any other way, report them immediately to the nearest out-of-work actor. You can find one of those anywhere. *checks kitchen cupboard* “Hey, weren’t you a guest star on Boy Meets World?” So, Canadian boy does good in Canada, with James Paxton throwing the no-no. Unlike a Canadian pitcher earlier in the day who did a “No! No!” and did bad. Paxton’s line — 9 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, 3 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.40. It was almost like something clicked with him and he realized if he strikes out less guys, he can pitch deeper into the game, as he also secured his first complete game. The no hitter was prolly the highlight though. Paxton can easily be a top ten starter this year with the asterisk that is always on him, *assuming healthy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Roberto Osuna – Arrested on assault charges, and given administrative leave. In other words, MLB said, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here, but, you kinda shouldn’t go home either. Can you sit in your car for thirty days while we figure this out? Park in a loading zone, usually if you’re in the car no one will bother you.” I’m guessing Ryan Tepera is the handcuff — bad choice of words. I’m guessing Tepera is the, ahem, fill-in closer. I’m torn on Tepera. Sounds like Godzilla enemy — good. Sounds like tempura which is battered — bad. My second guess would be Clippard or Oh. Yes, I have two 2nd guesses, leave me alone. (And I haven’t even mentioned John Axford. Now I have!)
Mike Zunino – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd home run in three games. El Zunino raining ones out here.
Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.71. This year he is Stroman my fingers… as sung by present-day Lauryn Hill. “Yo, Lauryn, you have a concert in ten minutes.” “I’m leaving now.” “Okay, but the concert is in Cali and we’re in New York.”
Marcell Ozuna – 0-for-3, hitting .246. You ever have this shituation: you own a guy in one league, but you play in multiple leagues, so you’d like him to come around, but if he doesn’t, you’re kinda okay with it because there’s more leagues where you don’t have him? A true fantasy baseball Sophie’s Choice. I want more from you, OZUNA, but you’re also killing my opponents in other leagues, so if I have to sacrifice one league.
Jose Martinez – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .287. Getting the comment vibe that people are starting to want to move on from Jo-Ma. Yeah, well, Jo-Mama! Give him a little more rope, as someone once ominously said to Michael Hutchence.
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .313. Twins haven’t been great offensively in the early going — Kepler’s hitting third? Are you trying to reverse cowgirl how good Joe Mauer looks? — however, Escobar has been hitting cleanup. Unlike every other scenario, cleaning up nothing is not a good thing, but Escobar has been hitting.
Dylan Bundy – 0 IP, 7 ER, allowing four homers in seven batters faced, ERA up to 5.31. Gonna be hard to beat that audition to be this year’s pitcher in the Home Run Derby. Tony Pena’s gonna have to bring his A game.
Chris Davis – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer, hitting .172. He’s a shell of his former self inside a team that is a shell of a former team. The O’s are like an Everlasting Gobstopper of former glory. I will call them, the Everlasting Sobfloppers.
Danny Valencia – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting near-.300 in the last week. The Everlasting Sobfloppers is where schmotatoes go to die. (We’re headed to a point where I’m literally only talking in made-up nonsense words. Here’s a new person coming to the site, “The Everlasting Sobfloppers’ schmotatoes? What on earth is this extremely handsome mustachioed man talking about?”)
Mike Moustakas – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .300. Moistasskiss!
Jorge Soler – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .324. Man, his schmotato has been straight fire emoji. Our very own Son, gave you his Jorge Soler fantasy yesterday. Verdict was a happy bear, which I think is a sad bear.
Danny Duffy – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.15. He started the game with a huge lead, then just sailed out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3 and a double slam (8, 9) and legs (2). Only 51 more homers to go! (Hey, thinking it can happen is the first step. Oprah taught me that.)
Luis Severino – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.21. When Pitcher Ralph (is this guy always initialed PR? Yo, Ralph, you Puerto Rico?) did his top 100 starters in the preseason, he may not have been that off ranking Severino 5th overall. Luis might be third at this point, definitely 4th.
David Price – Numbness in his hand returned and he was sent home. If you can’t fix numbness in your hand while channel surfing and eating some of your moms’ mac ‘n cheese, where can you?
— Razzball (@Razzball) May 8, 2018
Drew Pomeranz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.23. Solid effort in a tough matchup, which I feel like saying just because of what a wuss Price is. Can you believe Pomeranz is more of a gamer than Price? What a jizzoke.
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .330, as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “If Stan Beeman finds out about Philip, I will never come into work again and be skull emoji.”
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .226. Picture this: Profar is trying to break the chains of ordinary life in Indiana and his ‘out’ is riding a bicycle faster than anyone has ever done it before with the help of his bodyguard. Profar is starring in Breaking Away with Joan Cusack. (I might be commingling Breaking Away and My Bodyguard.) But for Profar, he doesn’t have a bicycle! He has a .226 average with little power and speed; this is his fight song!
Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .287. Solid, admirable, adjective! But, damn, he leaves me with the mehs. If you’re really struggling, I guess I could see the pickup.
Leonys Martin – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain. Damn, he’s got a serious case of Mat Gamelitis, the disease that affects someone each time they seem to be breaking out.
DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL. He will pick up his new Launch Angle right where he left off or be as wonderful as a late-in-life bris. Let’s hope DJ leans on the 1’s and not 2’s.
Jon Gray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.24. I don’t want to sell him short like I did with Apple stock in 2003 — why can’t I ever forget this!? Stupid brain! — but I’d be happy with a 4.24 ERA on the year from him with a 9+ K/9.
Corey Dickerson – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .333, and seven for his last ten. Co-Dick is not just the slang name for male Siamese Twins, it’s a guy who’s hitting like he’s still playing in Coors.
Ivan Nova – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.84 vs. Lucas Giolito – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.25. This had a combined score on the Stream-o-Nator of “Are you serious? Why not just throw your computer in the middle of the street and see if the mouse clicks just right to pick up someone else?”
Welington Castillo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .237. There’s the Boeuf!
Matt Adams – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .308. When Adams appeared in the lineup card with Zimmerman still playing, you could almost see the light bulb turning on above Dave Martinez’s head, “Wait, so Adams and Zimmerman can both play? By golly!”
Sean Manaea – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 2.11. The Stream-o-Nator hated this start, and I wasn’t exactly sure why. Manaea was at home; he’s been great, but, what do you know? Look at the big galaxy brain on the robot!
Alex Bregman – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. I can visualize the Buy Low window shutting momentarily on Bregman.
Ken Giles – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. Hey, nothing to it!
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Someone thinks it’s August!
Jorge Alfaro – 1-for-2 and his 4th homer, hitting .222. I can’t believe I actually would’ve actually been better to hold Alfaro over Iannetta. C’mon, Grey, stop picking your catcher scab!
Aaron Altherr – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .209. I keep looking at his player page to see if I see a schmotato risin’, but so far kinda meh.
Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (0 walks), 12 Ks, ERA at 2.05. There’s guys that are popular to a general baseball market. Nola doesn’t seem to be one of those guys. Like he’s a guy who’s appreciated by people who really know baseball. Like Syndergaard is Phil Collins and Nola is Peter Gabriel.
Jason Heyward – Placed on the 7-day concussion DL. Heyward said, “I feel fine,” then drank the comb water at a barbershop and said, “Is this blue raspberry?”
Justin Bour – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .236. He has three homers in the last week with not much else, so could be a small schmotato.
Corey Knebel – Likely activated today, after pitching lights-out in Double-A Biloxi. While there, he listened to tales of the army from Matthew Broderick reading from Neil Simon’s diary. “The army is so goyish, oy!”
Wade Miley – Left yesterday’s game with an oblique injury. Brent Suter (4 2/3 IP, 2 ER) will likely fill-in for him. My autocorrect always wants to make Suter into “Super,” but my autocorrect is ducking stupid.
Travis Shaw – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .230. The average isn’t exactly where you want it, but that’s one hot streak away from a .260 average, and he’s on pace for 35 homers. If anything, I’d be buying Shaw, yet, I hear people in the comments talking about dropping him.
Corey Kluber – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.62. He was pitchslapped by Suter. I would’ve sooner expected getting pitchslapped by a Sutter wine bottle in the San Fran airport.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .284. Also, in this game, Francisco Lindor (2-for-4) hit his 9th homer, hitting .289. You could’ve done worse with your 1st two picks, said Mr. Exposition.
Zack Godley – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.83. Godley needs a matchup against the Padres or Giants — stat! *sees he just faced the less-than-scray Dodgers and gets the Nationals next* Sigh.
Rich Hill – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.11. Hey, grab a Big Gulp! Hopefully Hill’s blisters return soon so you don’t have to start him again.
Ronald Acuna – 1-for-4, and his 3rd homer, hitting .320. I’m sorry, but I wanna watch this kid hit home runs 24/7/365, then hope for a Leap Year so I can have some time to urinate.
Sean Newcomb – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.88 vs. Blake Snell – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.40. This matchup was billed as, “It’s A Bit Early For Generalizations About 2019 Rankings But It Seems Like These Guys Will Be Top 25 Starters Next Year.” That matchup was a hedgehog, huh? Ya know, because it’s a mouthful of hedging.
Jacob deGrom – On schedule to pitch on Sunday. Mickey Callaway said, “Everything went better than could be expected.” Which is to say, with the Mets trainers, the expectations are deGrom’s arm would’ve been lost in baggage.
Todd Frazier – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain. The Mets will turn to Jose Reyes, as they show off their veteran depth. If Reyes goes down, the Mets have reruns of Kiner’s Korner to play at 3rd base.
Scooter Gennett – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .288. Last time I will mention this (prolly not), but Scooter is now ahead of his pace of last year. Ya know, last year which caused you to draft him this year.
Luis Castillo – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.47. Looked much better than the line indicates, and I think the ship has been righted. Or at least is no longer largely capsized like Bruce Bochy.
Matt Harvey – Traded to Reds for Devin Mesoraco. Mesoraco and d’Arnaud can share a locker. Doubt they will ever be in clubhouse at same time. David Wright should have no worries about his wife ever sleeping with Mesoraco. This trade is even: ugly character for just ugly. Can’t wait for Keith Hernandez’s audible gasp when he sees Mesoraco. “Can’t that man put a shirt on his face?” As for fantasy, bleh meets real bleh. You can figure out who is bleh and real bleh. Harvey wasn’t exactly a team player, but that all would’ve been fine if he kept performing, which he didn’t because of injuries. The Reds won’t be some curative remedy, not to mention, a worse stadium. As for Mesoraco, he can save the Mets money on electricity because he can turn on light bulbs with his mouth.