After blowing a save Monday night, Hunter Strickland broke his hand, punching a door. Apparently, he doesn’t know how to close a door either. He also doesn’t know what punch outs are. He can’t figure out pitching from punching. He confused saves with staves. I can go on. He puts the loser in closer. A fit for all rages. Okay, you get it. He’s going to miss 6-8 weeks, needing surgery on his hand. What kind of idiot punches a door with their pitching hand?! This was his season to finally prove he could close in the majors, and he threw that away. He’ll likely get replaced by Sam Dyson (who got the 2/3 IP, 0 ER save last night) or Tony Watson, and Dyson, Watson or Mark Melancon will take the job, run with it, and Strickland’s literally ruined his career. “To be continued” for Strickland should always read, Moron. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Gorkys Hernandez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .286. Buster Posey (1-for-4, hitting .289) also homered in this game. More or less homers than Gorkys? C’mon, more or less than Gorkys, who sounds like a bad 80’s comedy? Less, of course. Hey, at least Buster Posey sounds like a character name in one of those bad 80’s comedies.
Zach Davies – Began a rehab stint as he makes his way back from a shoulder issue, which sounds terrific. I’m sure he’ll be just great. Is the sarcastic font working? I didn’t want to pay for the extra fonts, so I got it from a Bit Torrent.
Travis Shaw – Has missed two straight games with a sore wrist. Now his owners are pist. Headed up to bat with a messed-up paddle, not handing out beat downs!
Jesus Aguilar – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .298. You know what’s super helpful? The Brewers having too many pieces, and not starting certain guys all the time. Case in point, is Domingo Santana even on their team anymore? Jesus *sign of cross* should be owned for when he’s playing, but when is he playing is the issue. He didn’t on Monday.
Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.30, as he was recalled. If the Brewers had any sense in their head (or maybe more cents in their bank), they’d forget Wade Miley, and Zach Davies and just go with Freddy P. Maybe the Brewers are having too many flashbacks of Wily P. Here’s what Prospector Ralph said about him, “A small right hander with the ability to miss bats in bunches. Truly a player after my own heart. He mixes a deceptive low to mid 90’s four-seamer, with good movement, a slider and an above average changeup. His delivery is a funky crossfire delivery makes it hard for hitters to pickup the ball coming out of his hand. It’s likely the root of some of his walk issues as well, which remain the only stain on an otherwise stellar profile. Seriously, he led all of MiLB in BAA at .177, and struck out 12+ per 9 IP across multiple levels. While everyone is clamoring to own Burnes and Woodruff, it might be Peralta that ends out he most fantasy relevant of the bunch. The knocks are obvious, his lack of size (he’s 5’11, 175 lbs), and funky delivery. Personally I’m buying Peralta everywhere I can. He’s deceptive with three pitches, he can throw for strikes, and employs a smart and instinctual approach to sequencing. Speaking of sequencing, do you think there’s something wrong with Grey’s DNA sequencing?” Aw, c’mon! I’d grab Peralta everywhere just in case he stays in the rotation.
Austin Meadows – Missed two straight games with a sore foot. Audrey Meadows never missed time with a sore foot. Cust kayin’.
Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Not the greatest start, but he said he was having fun. At least that’s what I think he meant when he said he had a ball.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, after a four-hit night. All sexual lust and/or kidding aside, watch how fast he goes from meh to worth the top 10 pick. He could be at 30 homers by the All-Star break. Seriously.
Domingo German – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners (zero walks), 9 Ks, ERA at 4.77. Sunday Kraut has two great games in a row now, which is terrific, super, adjective, but I’d simply follow the Stream-o-Nator on him. Luckily, it’s good for his next start.
Aaron Hicks – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 3rd homer in the last three games. Somebody’s in the early lead to be the, uh, lede in Friday’s Buy column.
Miguel Andujar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Him and Gleyber (2-for-4 and his 14th homer) have cooled off recently. Ya know, Andujar is only a 23-year-old rookie and on pace for a better season than Rafael Devers, and Gleyber is doing even better than Andujar. Ooh, gasoline on the Yankees/Red Sawx feud!
Marco Gonzales – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.80. Yeah, but you needed dented marbles in your cranium if you started him in Yankee Stadium.
Yu Darvish – Will throw a simulated game today. Which means I’d load my DFS lineups with all the VR robots hitting off Darvish today, they will do well.
Brandon Morrow – Was unavailable yesterday due to a tight back. We’ll see how Morrow feels ‘morrow. I grabbed Steve Cishek in two leagues, just in case, and not because his last name sounds like a chorus in a Missy Elliott song. Strop could also leave the 9th inning ports. Almost palindrome!
Tyler Chatwood – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Chatwood couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn yesterday, and if the barn had a friendly message of graffiti on its side, then Chatwood couldn’t hit Chatwood.
Mike Montgomery – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Racist!
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.99, as he was activated after a month layoff. Hill made it thru six innings without any blisters popping up! This is amazing! I would’ve sworn Rich Hill had Jiffy Pop fingers. “Hey, Rich, what are you doing with your fingers in the campfire?” “Was in the mood for popcorn.” If Hill is out on waivers, I’d grab him to see if he finally put his blisters behind him (then they’d hemorrhoids).
Clayton Kershaw – Will make a rehab start on Saturday, which gives you about two weeks to sell him. Not kidding. If someone still believes he can stay on the field from July through October, I have a bridge in Kansas with a bad back to sell them.
Jay Bruce – Hit the DL with a hip injury. He’s only owed $39 million by the Mets over three years. Ooh, I have an idea! What if they pay Bobby Bonilla one million dollars to take out Bruce? Devilish or devilishly brilliant?
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. I’m just going to haphazardly leave this treasure map on this window sill for two seconds–NOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Ian Desmond – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. And temperatures in Colorado haven’t even reached “swamp ass” yet, so offense is still peaking.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer. I hate CarGo, and I’d even own him in Coors.
Hector Rondon – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.67 as he entered in the 7th. You know what SAGNOF is becoming? Just grab the guy who should be getting the saves and hope the manager does the right thing.
Justin Verlander – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.60 vs. Blake Snell – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (7 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.48. This start was Young vs. Old, Student vs. Teacher, Throws Hard vs. Wife Makes Me–Well, you get the picture.
C.J. Cron – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .237. This was his first hit in June (not really, but close).
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .305. Hat tip to Rudy for this: Escobar has 31 doubles. Abreu is the only player with more than 23, he has 26. Eduardo should go by Double E’s. Fitting since he plays for the Twins.
Jose Berrios – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Hate to use the Fox Sports-type words like gusty and ‘what a gamer,’ because they really mean nothing, but Berrios went up against Chris Sale (7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.74) and did all those Fox Sports adjectives.
Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Devers isn’t taking the dragging by Gleyber and Andujar laying down (lying?).
Carlos Rodon – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.41. Meh, it was a tough start, that was compounded since he just faced them. I shouldn’t have started him, and can’t hold it against him. Plus, his next matchup is great, according to the Stream-o-Nator, and I agree.
Mike Clevinger – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Don’t mind at all that he keeps getting to face the White Sox, but can he face a different pitcher than Rodon, who I also own. Thanking you in advance.
Matt Adams – Hit the DL with a fractured index finger. In a comedy of manners, Adams injured his index finger on Friday, but the doctor said for five days, “You know, it’s not polite to point.”
Jefry Rodriguez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.66, as he was recalled by the Nats. He throws 95 MPH with 7.8 K/9 and 4 BB/9 tendencies, no relation to Ted Danson. Prospect-o-Nator has his projections, if you’re curious.
Stephen Strasburg – Has yet to resume throwing. Enough about his LinkedIn account, how’s his injury?!
Trea Turner – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .267. The fact that he’s now hitting sixth and Eaton’s leading off means Davey Martinez should be committed to the Manager Wellness Center for a mental evaluation.
Pedro Alvarez – Designated for assignment. I imagine it went like this: “Hey, coach, I’d love it if I could more playing time.” “Who are you?” “Pedro Alvarez.” “You’re on the team?” “Yeah, coach, c’mon, don’t say that, it hurts my feelings.” “Well, this is really gonna hurt your feelings,” then he was designated.
Trey Mancini – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .223. That’s nice; you ruined my faith in you, though, so you’re on the DGAF list with Odor and Sonny Gray. Hopefully Hunter Strickland confuses you with a door.
Ian Kinsler – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .225. Too bad his average has bottomed out this year. He forgot the cardinal rule, the looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand.
Kole Calhoun – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .156. He hit that one with a little extra ginger sauce.
Blake Parker – 2 IP, 2 ER and his 8th save, ERA up to 3.50. He really needed to throw for two innings? It’s like The Sciosciapath is spiting us. Is this torture porn like The Handmaid’s Tale?
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .266. Au Shizz!
Brad Hand – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 3rd blown save and 2nd straight game he’s allowed runs. Mean’s while, Kirby Yates (1 IP, 0 ER) has a 0.93 ERA. Don’t worry, the Padres will keep Brad the closer until they can trade him, even if they’re dealt a bad Hand.
J.P. Crawford – Out for 4-6 weeks with a broken hand. Bummer. Not because he’s hurt, but it’s too bad Kingery isn’t doing better. He’s had all kind of chances.
Odubel Herrera – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 4th homer in five games and 18th homer in the last week. Let’s hear it for ODB! MC Conditioner, you could never say this boy’s an amateur. #Deeptracks
Seranthony Dominguez – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.61. He was used in the 9th in a tie game as a closer would be at home. However (stupid, freakin’ however), he lost the game, so that might send Kapler into a closer shame spiral. There’s really no one else in the Phils bullpen I’d own right now.
Vince Velasquez – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.82. Usually he’s terrible or wonderful, so a mediocre start means what? Give us some indication here, VV.
Tommy Pham – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Like a Billy Squier fan at karaoke, Pham found the stroke.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 3rd homer in three games, fourth homer in five games, as Carpenter keeps nailing them.
Joey Votto – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .302. In case you missed the replay, he shooed away a bird prior to hitting the homer. Lucky he wasn’t facing the Orioles. That would’ve been distracting.
Billy Hamilton – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Home runs from Hamilton are like tits on a bull.
Marcus Stroman – Should return this weekend. I didn’t like him coming into this year, he’s looked awful and now he’s recovering from a shoulder injury. No amount of pain he can be Stroman’ing.
Ronald Acuna – Nearing rehab assignment. Braves are really babying Acuña, huh? He walked off the field after his injury and has seemed fine for two weeks. Not to sound too much like my father, but put on your big boy pants and get back out there!
Johan Camargo – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer. I actually own Camargo on one team, and it’s my one team that is not doing well. So, um, yeah, four hits goes a long way to a schmotato run, but he’s not generally good.
Charlie Culberson – 2-for-4, 3 runs, and his 4th homer. The Braves can literally put anyone in the outfield and get production. Member Preston Tucker? Acuña went down and the Braves didn’t even bother with Tucker, they were just like, “We can put anyone in left because our time is now,” then they showed their Shazam app and the last song they Shazam’d was Eye of the Tiger. You can’t make this shizz up.
Rougned Odor – Scratched from the lineup, after a crazy night out with Yohander Mendez. Too bad I don’t have a category in my leagues for ‘Being an Extra in a GGW Video.’ I officially cut Odor from my teams and wiped my hands of him. He is dead to me like Mancini and Sonny Gray. May Odor’s stench never waft my way again.
Yohander Mendez – Optioned to Triple-A as punishment for something he did during his “night out with Odor,” but the Rangers wouldn’t elaborate what he did. Okay, guesses! First guess, he farted into someone’s pillow. Pink eye is serious and not to be messed with. 2nd guess, he kept introducing his hand to himself a’la, “Yo hand, meet Yohander,” and that got annoying very fast. 3rd guess, there’s no 3rd guess. 4th guess, he voted for Rougned Odor for the All-Star Game. 5th guess, he kept asking everyone, “If I don’t know what the Alamo is, how can I remember it?” People had enough. 6th guess, he spoiled the end of the second season of Goliath for everyone. I like him for 1, 2, 5 or 6. No one’s dumb enough for 4.