Here’s what I said this offseason, “Before watching the video on Lucas Giolito, I looked at his vitals. This is something I don’t usually do. Doesn’t really matter to me if a guy is six-foot-one or five-ten. But, dizzamn, Giolito is a strapping young man, huh? He’s listed at six-six and 230. He’s only 21 years old, but I think he’s done growing. Hopefully, cause his mom tells CBS Sports that his “feet already hang off the bed.” With a six-six frame, as you can imagine, he throws fast. (Christall Young is the exception that proves the rule, an idiom that never made any sense to me. If it’s an exception, how does it prove anything? It proves that there’s exceptions, but that’s about it, right? I’m gonna move on before my brain hurts in my thought-nodes.) Giolito hits 97 MPH on his fastball, which is actually up a tick from the previous year. If he keeps steadily increasing his fastball every year, by the time he’s 40 years old, he’s going to be throwing 117 MPH. He throws from nearly right over the top, so the ball fires downhill and hitters have about no chance of hitting it. A 9+ K/9 seems to be a given once he gets settled in the majors. With speed comes no control, to sound like a drunk Yoda. Or does it?! Snap, reversed on that. No, Giolito has control too. 97 MPH with command? I’ll say it for you, hummna-hummna. Oh, and his strikeout pitch is his hard breaking curve. In 20 years, Al Pacino could be playing the role of a Hall of Fame pitcher in the film, Giolito’s Way. Assuming Pacino has eighteen-inch stilettos. He could be special, and TMZ spotted Pacino shopping for eighteen-inch stilettos, so that could be a good sign.” And that’s me quoting me! He should be added in all leagues, like yesterday. To put just the tiniest bit of dampers in these happiness diapers, Kershaw had a 4.26 ERA his rookie year in 107 2/3 IP. Rookies give roofies and take your kidneys. Hashtag truth. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Trea Turner – Started playing center field in the minors, and could be called up in a week or so to replace Ben Revere and Michael Taylor, because Dusty loves him some Danny Espinosa (3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs).
Joe Ross – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.30. Why can’t he pitch poorly right before a podcast is taped so I can give JB the jazz? Speaking of which, the podcast with the Jose Canseco interview will be here shortly. Or has already been posted if you slept in. Check you out, snoozecat!
Ben Revere – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and three steals (8, 9, 10), hitting .220. If Thor was pitching in April 1775, Revere might have reached the Pacific Ocean during his midnight ride.
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th steal, hitting .256. If he were to get hot, he could make a run at a top ten season for a 2nd baseman. But if ifs and buts were candy and nuts, I’d be a diabetic squirrel.
Steven Matz – The Mets are dumb. Here’s the Mets, “Matz is fine, elbow is great, he’s good, healthy, give me a thesaurus and I’ll tell you he’s healthy with a sprinkle of synonyms.” Now, Matz might miss his next start with an elbow spur. The Mets’ announcements are like a chess match between Terry Collins and a puppy dog. The Mets say the elbow spur is something that he can pitch through, which will be the case until the Mets say they’re shutting him down and he needs surgery.
Noah Syndergaard – 3 IP, 5 ER. In the first two scoreless innings, tweets for Syndergaard looked like this: “He don’t need no stinkin’ elbow.” After the 3rd inning: “Can he get an elbow transplant from Bartolo?” Then, around 8 PM PST, Syndergaard said he didn’t have a bone spur in his elbow. Then, around 9 PM PST, he said he did have a spur. Mets: world’s worst liars or just dumb.
Brandon Nimmo – 2-for-4, 1 run. Oh, you best believe I’m cyclops’ing him, and I even grabbed him in one league. Rookie nookie!
Gerrit Cole – Threw a 15-pitch sess. I say sess. Cool kids say sess. Cool kids don’t point it out. Dah!
Francisco Liriano – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.33. In related news, Ray Searage is just some lonely guy standing behind a curtain and there is no ‘Wizard.’
Scott Kazmir – 5 IP, 4 ER, 4 Hits, 4 BBs, 4 Ks, and a 4.67 ERA. Four score and five innings ago, Kazmir set upon this great nation an illusion of being good when healthy, but that illusion appears to be a trick.
Clayton Kershaw – Complained of back discomfort. Kershaw, you can give up four earned in six innings without the excuses. Liriano gives up 4 ER on the reg and owns that shizz!
Eduardo Rodriguez – 2 2/3 IP, 9 ER, and optioned to the minors. Ed-Rod better get his thetans checked.
Bryce Brentz – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .467. First name: baseball God. 2nd name: Ricky Gervais’ character from The Office trying to spell his name in a cool way. Brentz has been filling in for Holt and Krispie. In Triple-A, he had three homers, two steals and a .278 average in 38 games. Lowercase yay.
Sandy Leon – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Hurricane Leon! Hmm, that feels like it could be pithier.
Desmond Jennings – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I’m not picking him up, but I can’t hate you for doing it. I said it before, and I’ll say it again. Life is too short. Too $hort.
Logan Forsythe – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .297. Hard to go a full season and be underappreciated, but Forsythe is going on a season and a half of it. Apparently, fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) don’t have much Forsythe.
Oswaldo Arcia – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and two huge days back-to-back on his new club. Could be feeling renewed in Tampa like a Massengill commercial, and Arcia has been good in the past. Worth a flyer if you’re struggling for upside.
Nick Franklin – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer. Would’ve made a nice batty call. Stupid hindsight and its omniscience!
DJ LeMahieu – MRI came back clean on his knee, but he was still out of the lineup. Every…body, can move their body, except Mr. DJ. What, not a fan of Zhané?
Devon Travis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. This game was in Coors, so grain of salt, but he got to five homers mad quick, right? They eat shoulder injuries for breakfast up there in Toronto.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (20, 21). For the Edwin!
Aroldis Chapman – 0 IP, 1 ER. I don’t talk about trade rumors much, because they’re mostly ridiculous. This one I heard yesterday was especially silly. The Cubs are scouting Aroldis. HAHAHAHAHA. Really?! Aroldis? What does the scout go back to the Cubs with? “Um, yeah, he looks, uh, pretty good. Seems to throw fast.” Aroldis needs to be scouted?! Hey, Cubs, get the MLB package!
Ivan Nova – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.32. There’s a word for Nova this year, it’s whereisseverino.
Mark Teixeira – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. It’ll end, fo’sho, but he’s obviously a hot schmotato right now.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting over-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Tyler Flowers – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Flowers went deep off of Bauer, who once soured Kevin Towers. Don’t love every Cougar, but, damn, Stefanie Powers.
Lance McCullers – Scratched from today’s start due to a blister on his thumb. Sounds like he’s in Dire Straits.
Garrett Richards – Has “progressive healing” in his elbow. Well, that’s a new one. Keep shooting stem cells into his arm and see if he can grow a whole new arm to pitch with. “I have a brand new arm, but it wants to play badminton.” That’s Richards with his third arm that doesn’t want to cooperate.
Matt Shoemaker – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.12 vs. Collin McHugh 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.58. This matchup was billed as, “The people that drafted these guys aren’t even benefitting from these good starts.”
Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, and 3rd in as many games. I randomly was looking at Trout’s Wikipedia page and I found this nugget, “In June 2016, Sporting News named Trout “baseball’s best player” for the season.” Did the Sporting News also hand out this year’s World Series MVP already too? Can they tell us who won the Men’s 400m in the Olympics in August? How’s the Mr. Robot 2nd season premiere? I got questions, y’all!
Kendrys Morales – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs. Two days in a row I’ve said Kendrys is hot; your move.
Adam Wainwright – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.86 vs. Danny Duffy 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Here’s a crystal clear example of a problem many have in fantasy. Going for the known name. Wainwright is owned in 92% of leagues; Duffy is owned in 33% of leagues. Has Wainwright been better than Duffy in any substantial way? Not to answer, but to ruminate.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. He’s going to get to 25 homers this year with a .260 average and you are going to draft him next year based on that, yet you won’t even pick him up now. Don’t look behind you, I’m talking to you.
Seung Hwan Oh – People are saying he’s going to get the first crack at the Cards’ closer job, which is what I said yesterday after I previously said Siegrist. On a related note, I wonder if there’s anyone named Seung Kari Ohkey.
Aledmys Diaz – Was hit by a foul ball above his eye and will go for tests. The first test: can you see? 2nd test: how well?
Taijuan Walker – Expected to return on Thursday. He says the arch of his foot feels better. I wonder if he went for arches’ therapy at the Ronald McDonald House.
Vince Velasquez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.38, as he returned from the DL. Damn, I picked him up, but then I got chicken. Yes, Biff, chicken, stop taunting me! I don’t trust Velasquez in road starts at all, but he’s worth owning in just about all leagues.
Odubel Herrera – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .307. Now two big games in a row for ODB. Keep it filthy, Dirt McDirt.
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.69. Stream-o-Nator predicted a line of 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, and that was almost exactly what it was until he was brought for the 7th inning and gave up two runs. Hey, Chip Hale, subscribe to the Stream-o-Nator!
Marcus Semien – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and third homer in the past five games. So much for the aftergoo!
Daniel Mengden – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.81. And his peripherals look pretty, as well. Okay, I’m in. Time to add.
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.91. When he turned the corner in April, someone should’ve mentioned to him to stop turning corners, because then you’re back where you were last year.
Joey Votto – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (12, 13) and legs (6), hitting .248. He didn’t wear his customary #19 uni for this game, but instead a uni that read, “2-for-1 with Bruce, let’s make a deal!”
Dan Straily – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies get drunk and profess their love of Hello Kitty, they call their guy friends ‘sister,’ and they will destroy your ratios.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-3 and his 18th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Kris Bryant – 5-for-5, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and three home runs (19, 20, 21) to go with two doubles. Bryant had so many shots in this game, the announcers kept mistakenly calling him Kobe.