Razzball Exclusive! The Twins were seen on Saturday at the Factory Outlet Mall in St. Paul, shopping for an outfielder. Unhappy with the selection — everything was odd-sized or someone they had called up and sent down numerous times — they headed back to the car, deciding to go on to the Duluth Shop ‘n Zoo, a place, contrary to the name, that doesn’t sell animals. When they got back to the car, they realized they forgot their change purse in the mall. They raced back, but it was too late; it was gone. Frustrated and angry, they asked to use Spencer Gifts’ phone because they didn’t want to incur long distance charges on their own. Fed up and at their breaking point, they called up Byron Buxton, while also spotting a gag gift, fake vomit, that they shoplifted, figuring they can use it to play shortstop. Here’s what Prospect Mike said this offseason, “Buxton is ranked numero uno on my Top 50 fantasy prospects list, and it’s thanks to his ability to fill all five roto categories. He might be the closest thing we have in the minors right now to a first round fantasy talent with the power to hit 20 homers, the speed to swipe 30+ bags, and the ability to hit for a high average. Injuries limited him to 137 plate appearances in 2014, but that shouldn’t stop the 21-year-old from seeing the majors later this season. The ceiling is a perennial All-Star outfielder and a top ten fantasy player overall. In short, he’s wonderful and Grey’s terrible.” Oh, man, c’mon! In Double-A this year, Buxton had six homers, 20 steals (in only 59 games!) and was hitting .283. At points during this season, Mike has compared him to Carlos Gomez. That sounds like an apt comparison, which isn’t the same as roomier with two bathrooms. That’s an Apt. comparison. You should grab him in every league. Yes, even that 10 team league, where it’s you playing against nine of your email aliases. By the way, I can’t believe you’re losing to [email protected]. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Brian Dozier – 2-for-5 and his 13th homer, hitting .265. In the 30 for 30 “Brian and The Doz,” Brian Dozier discusses his life on the Twins and how no one outside of Minnesota knows who he is. The Doz says, “One time I was wearing my jersey in an airport and someone asked me if I was a fraternal or identical twin.”
Joey Gallo – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Hang ’em and bang ’em, Gallo!
Leonys Martin – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Hey, it’s my favorite Martin. He was in this past Friday’s Buy column, and he’ll be in this upcoming one if you don’t pick him up. Only you can change the future. The more you know, NBC.
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-2 as he was called up by the Indians. Unlike Buxton, I expected this and why I kept telling you to grab him. Prospect Mike did a great job of breaking down both huge call-ups yesterday. He calls Lindor Alcides Escobar-like; I thought Lindor was more Elvis Andrus-like, and, now that I think about it, I think they’re all the same player. I will call him, Alvides Andcobar. That sounds yawnstipating with a side of stretching one’s arms, but Lindor has one thing they don’t have. No, not truffles. He has unknown. Unknown excites people, unknown leaves one with promise of a better tomorrow, unknown wears a paper bag and tells jokes on The Gong Show. If Lindor hits .400 in his first month, he’ll have way more value than Alcides or Elvis could ever, because people will think this is Lindor’s norm with no cliff, and definitely no Carla. For that reason, I’d grab Lindor in every league.
Corey Kluber – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.54 vs. Alfredo Simon 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.58. This matchup was billed as, “Kluber vs. Why Use A Club When You Can Use A Gun?”
Nick Swisher – Lands on the DL with knee issues. His sideburns said, “We can only do so much!”
Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks as he was activated from the DL. Five innings and two earned with two Ks? Where would you ever find that on waivers? There’s no other pitcher capable of such wonderful! Fo’reallies, 95% of the streamers in your league could give you the same as Verlander. Unless, of course, Mirror Selfies is a category in your league.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, and his 2nd in as many games. Also, in Sunday’s game, Miguel Cabrera (3-for-4, 3 runs) hit his 14th homer, because wherever J.D. goes, Swiggy follows.
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4. Due to tightness in his quad, he left Saturday’s game early, then played on Sunday. Is doode serious with all of these day-to-day injuries? I guess when you’re a 315-pound bleb day-to-day is to be expected and living in a bubble is too meta.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 4 2/3 IP, 9 ER. I told you, E-Rod, before hanging out with other Red Sox starters, you need to say, “Circle, circle, dot, dot.” That’s just obvious! Well, that was a terrible start obviously that had The Regression Fairies dancing on the graves of many ratios, but I’d try to hold Rodriguez for another start.
Mookie Betts – Has been out since Friday after crashing into a wall. I blame Sandoval, because on Thursday he gave Betts ideas, by showing him his Kool-Aid Man costume.
David Ortiz – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his third homer since Thursday. Or Thirdsday if you’re reading fast.
Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Danny Valencia sounds like a stage name for a bad actor, “For my audition, I’
Chris Colabello – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .343. I want them. Every Blue Jay hitter. They’re like Canadian Coors, which I believe is Molson. This goes for everyone in the Blue Jays lineup, minus Bautista and Edwin, because they’re dealing with shoulder injuries.
Ryan Goins – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .235. And that’s Ryan’s comings and Goins.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 9th steal. Pillar strikes me as a guy that some ‘perts are going to say is a sleeper next year, and you’re going to draft and hold for about three days next April. Please don’t mention Michael Saunders.
Aaron Sanchez – Hit the DL with upper body soreness. Sounds like he needs to decompress at a spa.
John Ryan Murphy – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. John Ryan Murphy is the Yankees backup catcher and the guy most likely to share a name with a world leader’s assassin.
Sonny Gray – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.60. I love my boy, Sonny, but his ERA is obscenely low. There’s no way he can keep this up. Aw, geez, the internet’s made me cynical. Thanks, Al Gore!
Billy Burns – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI with his 12th steal, hitting .313. I wonder if his teammate Graveman ever wants to call him Billy B. Urns.
Ben Zobrist – 3-for-5, 3 runs, hitting .219, which sums up his year so far. Well, that and his two homers. Zobrist is the new blech.
Chris Heston – 5 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks. Damn, Johnny Vander Meer’s great-nephew made the trip all the way from Baton Rouge too.
Rubby de la Rosa – 8 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. C’mon, Rubby, are you just messing with me now? I’m gonna start calling him, Blowme de la Rosa.
Ender Inciarte – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th steal, hitting .288. He hasn’t quite flipped the script on everything we know about a nationality like the Pollock in center (0-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .319), but Inciarte has been more than respectable.
Corey Dickerson – Due to a flare up of his plantar fasciitis, he left Saturday’s game early and didn’t start in Sunday’s game. If you own Dickerson, I’d say there’s about a 100% chance this happens all year with a margin of error of one percentage point. When you have the fasciitis, it’s like all I’s are on your feet.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. This game was in Miami, where the weather usually calls for a hurricane, but yesterday they had a Torenado sweep through.
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. I wonder where the Caucasian Blackmon falls on the Rachel Dolezal situation. They should start their own chapter of the NAACP, and name it, “We Shall Overcome Our Whiteness.” This is a good time to reveal that I’m a white man that has been disguised as an Asian for 15 years. Unfortunately, my cover was blown when someone asked me, “How much tip should we leave?” and I couldn’t do the math.
Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks as he returned from the DL. Oh. Wait. What the Whatos!? That’s more out of nowhere than Dallas Latos reading and comprehending more than 140 characters. I still don’t trust Latos, but a start like that requires him to be owned to see if maybe his injury was the cause of his suckitude.
Martin Prado – Sprained his shoulder on Sunday. The Marlins are calling him day-to-day, and he said, “I’m right here with a sprained shoulder. Stop calling him every day!”
Mike Foltynewicz – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. If you started him, you can just call him Mike $%!#*!*$!@$.
Jace Peterson – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (7), hitting .285. Going on about two weeks he’s been hot schmotatoing all around town.
Juan Uribe – 3-for-5, 1 RBI. Hasn’t done a shizzton recently, but every time Uribe gets more than two hits, I feel like he’s about to go on an extended hot streak. This is likely confirmation bias like you thinking girls who wear sweatpants are down-to-earth, instead of unshowered like yourself.
Dillon Gee – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER. Italian-American Mets fans are calling for the Mets to go to the Matzresses.
Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Guess he was the catcher to stash on my DL instead of d’Evin.
Darrell Ceciliani – 1-for-3 and his 1st major league homer as he filled in for Cuddyer. When Ceciliani homered, the camera cut to his mustachioed father, waving a rolling pin in the air– *intern whispers in my ear* I’m told that was Ceciliani’s mother.
Dilson Herrera – 1-for-3 and a slam (2) and legs (1). You’re likely thinking, “Good for Grey, since he just picked him up.” Well, it’s nice of you to remember that I said last week that I’m grabbing Dilson, but I also dropped Dilson on Saturday, so thanks for rubbing salt in my MI scabs that I can’t stop picking.
Juan Lagares – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .275, and hitting near-.350 in the last week, and has a hit in nine of his last ten games. He’s shown Yunel levels of speed and power, which is to say not much, but he’s swinging a hot bat, and worth a flyer.
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. That makes his ERA since I told you to buy him on Friday– Okay, I won’t do that. Yet.
Hector Rondon – 1 IP, 0 ER as he pitched in a tie game in the 8th, which shows that he either is the closer and this was the most important to pitch or Maddon is diddling around with the bullpen again or he’s turned into a direwolf and he’s not dead.
Anthony DeSclafani – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.36. So, if you drafted Burnett, DeSclafani, Alfredo Simon, Keuchel and Sonny Gray, you’d basically be winning every league in the entire world. Yeah, pitching’s where to invest at drafts. Ri7ght.
Billy Hamilton – 2-for-3, 1 run and 5 steals, now with 31 steals on the year. Pre-All-Star Game contest idea! Hamilton tries to steal second base while Jon Lester is turned, facing 2nd base.
Collin McHugh – 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 5.08. Just about everyone who’s asked me about McLoser, I’ve said to move on from him. It feels like he’s hiding an injury, and a Disgraceful List stint is forthcoming. By the by, don’t say forthcoming in a real world conversation or the other person has the right to punch you.
Jose Altuve – Sat out two games this weekend after tweaking his hamstring. You know how you string together popcorn to put on your Christmas tree? Instead, imagine you stringed together pieces of diced ham. That’s the size and fragility of Altuve’s hamstrings.
Evan Gattis – 4-for-5, 3 runs with four singles. The chances that Gattis would get four singles is as improbable as anyone on the Astros, except Altuve, getting four singles.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .248. Geiger, let’s go!
Luis Valbuena – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .185. He also homered on Friday, so he’s mostly Malbuena, but he could be a lightly warmed schmotato.
Lance McCullers – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 BBs, zero hits, 4 Ks. Well, if that don’t sum up McCullers, my name isn’t Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate). He’s definitely worth owning, but you’re McCrackers if you think he’s safe.
Michael Montgomery – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.89. There could be something here, since he was once a top prospect. As of right now, I’d continue to look at him through the eyes of the Stream-o-Nator.
Roenis Elias – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies have a friend they call “The Gay Pope” that wears white sheet dresses, they celebrate the birthday of Gloria Gaynor every year and they will make ugly with your ratios.
Joe Ross – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. Why do I want to call him Jim Ross and put a cowboy hat on him in my mind’s eye? Listen, wrestling and fantasy fans, Ross is in a surefire pickle with the bumps while stompin’ a mudhole and walkin’ it dry, but Strasburg and Fister have to slot in somewhere into the Nats rotation. As a speculative streamer, give Ross a whirl, but I wouldn’t get attached like a 12-year-old to Mayim Bialik’s breast.
Bryce Harper – Out yesterday after taking a pitch off his knee. He’s day-to-day, but his fate is in every fantasy baseballer’s hands that doesn’t own him but does own a voodoo doll.
Max Scherzer – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 hit), 16 Ks, ERA down to 1.93. This reminded me of Digital Underground’s Same Song that featured Tupac in his first song, which was included in one of the worst films of all-time, Nothing But Trouble. Scherzer was Tupac and the Brewers were Aykroyd, Chevy and Demi Moore in that godforsaken movie. And you can’t stop this, Scherzer, go ahead and rock this.
Jimmy Nelson – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.60. This just seems like a bad year to be interested in anything from Milwaukee, which just makes Laverne & Shirley sad.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.84. Before we start patting each other on the bottom, happy with keeping the faith in Alphabet Soup, this start was vs. the Rays and even the Stream-o-Nator had nice things to say for it. I still think there’s a 50/50 chance that he goes out and pitches a 7 IP, 6 ER doozy his next time out.
Chris Sale – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.01. Yesterday, he threw 125 pitches, because he gets hurt three times a year and Robin Ventura is a knucklehead, as named by Nolan Ryan.
Jake McGee – 1 IP, 0 ER and notched his 3rd save on Saturday, and Kevin Jepsen (1 IP, 0 ER) came back with the save on Sunday. As I speculated on Thursday and Friday, Kevin Cash looks like, for the ninth inning, he’s thinking strictly out of the Boxberger. McGee is the go-to guy, and Jepsen was used because McGee had worked the previous three of four days. Of course, for a guy named Cash, he sure likes change.
Jake Odorizzi – Resumed a throwing program as he works his way back from an oblique injury. Hmm, that actually isn’t vague at all.
Nate Karns – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (1 BB), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Of course, this game was vs. the White Sux, which was also Rachel Dolezal’s favorite team. The Stream-o-Nator has unflattering things to say for Karns’s next start, and I wouldn’t risk it in most leagues.
Yordano Ventura – Feeling better after leaving Friday’s game with irritation of his pitching hand’s ulnar nerve. The nerve of this guy!
Mike Bolsinger – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA up to 2.25. Finally, he stopped looking like Cy Feller.
Andre Ethier – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. This makes me groan, so I’m not sure why I keep doing it, but, on our Player Rater, Ethier is now more valuable than Matt Kemp, Betts, Choo, Carlos Gomez, Heyward, Trumbo and Holliday, to name a few.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.71 as he notched his 10th win. Cole + my teams = Glove. Damn, math was close there. Was supposed to equal “Love.”
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA down to 2.96 vs. A.J. Burnett 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 1.89. After the game, Hamels said, “I won’t waive my no-trade clause to the Pirates. I don’t like the state they play in.”
Ben Revere – 2-for-5 and his 15th steal. Elias Sports Bureau said Revere was the first player in a game not wearing a uniform number, but instead wearing an eBay auction bid price.
