Eugenio Cuatrovez

Eugenio Suarez went quad shopping on Saturday night, hitting his 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th homer (with 5 RBIs, and 1-for-3, 1 run on Sunday). Eugenio said I see your Mark Whiten and I’m hitting! Eugenio said you can call me Geno because you don’t SEE NO ball when I’m done with it! The last player to hit four homers in a game was JD Martinez, who is now a professional pickleball player. Call him Just Dink. Eugenio Suarez is the 3rd player ever to hit four-homer game and lose, joining Bob Horner in 1986 and Ed Delahanty in 1896. Eugenio and Bob both have (had?) great hair. I can’t speak to Ed’s lettuce. Eugenio now has more homers than any other player since last All-Star Break, including Aaron Judge. You could’ve had Suarez around 150 overall in drafts. Geno SEE NO EVIL! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Justin Martinez – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 0.90 and his 3rd save. Ju-Ma has the most precarious 0.90 ERA in history, Elias Sports Bureau said so.

Geraldo Perdomo – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and double legs (5, 6), hitting .253. This might be the start of something, but there is very little in his near-past giving me the yay-yays.

Brandon Pfaadt – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.78. My preseason sleepers never fail. (Shut up about Toglia, Vientos, etc. No one likes a tattle.)

Spencer Schwellenbach – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Arizona’s a no-joke offense and they don’t even have Ketel. The player, not the vodka.

Grant Holmes – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.50. You know things are bad when you pitch worse than a guy named Blewett.

Logan Gilbert – Hit the IL with a elbow strain. Left Friday’s start with forearm pain and the prognosis on Saturday said, “There’s optimism his UCL is intact.” Oh…[walks from Maine to Miami]…kay. Sigh, pitching is difficult. Guess he makes a run at returning in August and it doesn’t go well, but we’ll see.

Logan Evans – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 3 Ks, as he was called up. With the loss of Logan Gilbert, the Mariners–Let’s just say, changing a full name on a sticker label on a locker is such a pain! I started printing out stickers for my different spices and I got to cayenne alphabetically and I checked out. Cumin to turmeric can kiss my ass. In the minors, Evans had a 8.1 K/9, 1.4 BB/9 and 3.86 ERA. Since T-Mobile makes every pitcher great and the Mariners grow low-walk pitchers on trees, Evans is immediately interesting in at least deeper mixed leagues. Mostly a monocle in 12 teamers, and maybe Streamonator appeal.

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.62. Mariners jumped out to a six-run, 1st inning lead, and Castillo cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.

J.P. Crawford – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs was a light schmotato last week, now saying full schmotato for Just Peachy.

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer. Butt what else did you expect?

Max Meyer – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.18. Regression Fairies ate last night after midnight Gremlins-style.

Agustin Ramirez – 2-for-5 and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Wow, so he’s, like, a star star. My apologies, I wasn’t aware of your game.

Connor Norby – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .303. That’s preseason sleeper, Connor Norby.

Cade Smith – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.29, and secured the save on Saturday with Clase setting him up. Guardians said, “Don’t read too much into it,” then the camera pulled back to see they were practicing for when Cade’s up for arbitration. I kid, the Guards said Clase would be used in low-leverage situations until he stopped being “the easiest pitcher in the majors to hit.” Wouldn’t drop Clase yet in most leagues, but it sure looks like you lost your top closer for a little while at least.

Logan Allen – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.21. If you had a pitcher who was due for regression, I hope you didn’t start him this weekend. All I’m sayin’.

Nolan Jones – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Maybe that’ll be the answer that gets him going or at least catapults him into hot schmotato territory, but I do not say this lightly, he’s looked as bad as any hitter I’ve seen all year.

Brayan Bello – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Oh, there will be time for your regression, don’t you worry. You’re just starting. Literally and, uh, literally.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two days, hitting .216. Devers has now hit three of his four homers on doubleheader weekends. [points to nose like playing charades] Ooh, I know! I know! He’s Ernie Banks, if Ernie Banks couldn’t field.

Ceddanne Rafaela – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Sawx routed the Guards, you can tell because Ceddane homered.

Nick Lodolo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.25. If you started Lodolo in Coors, you get a pat and a LodYOLO. That’s good for another pat if you redeem it before his next start.

Devin Williams – Temporarily removed from the closer role. With his beard, he was Samson with his pitches. After he shaved, he was, “In the back of Sam’s Club, there’s the restroom and inside the restroom is a Snickers, on the floor, or maybe that’s not a Snickers, hmm.” I have Luke Weaver everywhere, they might also look at Fernando Cruz. I imagine they’ll try to get Devin back in the role, but that doesn’t mean he’ll take to it. He wasn’t exactly himself last year.

Max Fried – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.43. I see the ugliest statlines from this guy and he keeps his ERA down, and I shake my fist at the sky, while holding a shake weight, so I diesel up my forearms.

Anthony Volpe – 4-for-7, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .228. Wow, he made contact more than once. Watch out for falling balloons.

Aaron Judge – 3-for-8, 2 runs, 8th homer, hitting .406. Since May 4th of last year (152 games), he’s hitting .367, .494 OBP, 60 HRs, 153 RBIs and leads MLB is all of those categories. Boing.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-8, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .178. His one-game suspension was overturned. First time I ever remember a suspension being overturned. He was suspended for tweeting in the middle of a game. MLB said, “If you’re still on Twitter, be our guest.”

J.C. Escarra – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st career homer. He was an Uber driver just six months ago. He didn’t give out a complimentary bottle of water to riders, so I gave him one star and the rest is history.

Trent Grisham – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer, hitting .298, and now the Yanks’ leadoff hitter has homered in every game and sometimes multiple times. Or it feels that way. At this point, you have to wonder why you don’t roster Grisham everywhere.

Clarke Schmidt – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.52. If I were being generous, I’d say solid start even though he walked way too many guys and that is very concerning, so I’m not being generous.

Chris Bassitt – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA 2.62. Regression Fairies came for everyone and twice for the Hemsworth brothers.

Kevin Gausman  – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.50. Aw, what a shame. Shucks! [ceiling lights brighten] Whoa, these German-made lights powered by schadenfreude really work.

Mitchell Parker – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.65. Regression Fairies don’t know what you mean by ‘Parker,’ or who she is, but they will destroy your ratios just the same.

Dylan Crews – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. He’s really come on of late (around .400, 4 HRs, 2 SBs, 10 runs in last nine games), after a miserable start. Kinda reminds me of last year’s Chourio, in that very limited way.

Clay Holmes – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.64. Don’t even roster Holmes anywhere and I was about to lose my shizz when they let him face two batters, then shut the game down for nearly two hours, but appizzarently, Holmes can throw as a reliever, a starter, to one batter, to two batters, to 30 batters, and nothing affects him. Holmes: The Rubber-Armed Man.

A.J. Minter – Hit the IL with triceps soreness. When Alex Anthopoulos decides to let a seemingly great reliever walk, the “seemingly” there can’t lift its arm.

Ryne Stanek – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.60, and his 2nd blown save. More like Ryne stank.

Tylor Megill – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.74. Mets’ pitching coach Jeremy Hefner needs to walk around the dugout in a smoking jacket, slippers and have two bleached blondes on his arm. He’s earned it.

Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .213. Please get hotter than hell, Captain Woo Cubano, and pay a visit to Gunnar Henderson and light a fire under his ass, too.

Yainer Diaz – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .169. “C’mon, you can’t use a body to hold a parking space–Hold up! He moved! Yainer is alive!”

Hunter Brown – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.22. This broke his scoreless streak at 28 innings. 31 more and he could’ve moved into Orel Hershiser’s home and used his toothbrush and comb. Oh well. The scoreless streak ended as Bobby Witt Jr. extended his hitting streak to 19 games. 37 more and he gets to dig up Joe D. and use him to ride in the carpool lane. By the by, Brown was available to anyone who wanted him in drafts.

Framber Valdez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.00 vs. Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Having both of these guys has me dancing like Tommy Pham saying hello to fans in the stands.

Kris Bubic – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Am I seeing things that weren’t there like when I had that summer internship at the Rorschach inkblot card factory or was there regression for everyone?

Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Maybe if he does this for another month, I might think differently about him like being Gandhi in an Apple commercial, but he has a long way to go.

Tyler Mahle – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 1.14. Regression Fairies meant to take down Mahle, but they were at brunch.

Jack Leiter – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.03 as he was activated from the IL. [raises a lighter to the sky, flicks it, sprinklers go off suddenly] That’ll teach me to do visual metaphors. I like Leiter, but I did check the Streamonator to see who he was facing next week, prior to just activating him willy and/or nilly.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.73. In retrospect, what were we thinking letting  him fall so far in drafts? I’m as guilty as anyone.

Erick Fedde – 6 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.68. This weekend’s regression was worse than witnessing Jim Belushi’s harmonica solo at a Hard Rock Cafe opening.

Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.14. Talking about WWE and mismatching his socks has warded the Regression Fairies off for one more start.

Jeffrey Springs – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.04 vs. White Sux. Sadly, due to a septic tank issue, sewage has backed up into the Springs and it’s polluted beyond repair.

Luis Urias – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and no one in their right mind is picking him up.

Tyler O’Neill – Hit the IL with neck inflammation. Whoever had the under on May 1st won, pay the line.

Casey Mize – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.12. There’s a real fine tightrope to walk as a fantasy baseball ‘pert when saying a guy isn’t pitching as well as it seems and just being a complete loon. It comes down to: Who cares how well he’s pitching, according to his peripherals, look at his actual results.

Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.34. Arguably the best pitcher in baseball takes on Grounder Henderson and the Oh-No’s

Tyler Glasnow – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.50, and left after one inning with shoulder discomfort. in fairness, it can’t be easy to pitch while wrapped in bubble wrap.

Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .277. …and the Teoscar goes to the right-center bleachers.

Andy Pages – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, 3rd homer in five games. There’s no hotter schmotato in schmotato land.

Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-4 and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in a week. McCutchen is McClutch to get the Pirates within seven runs!

Yusei Kikuchi – 2 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.31. Schadenfreude arrow moves from happy to “too happy and starts to seem mean.”

Mike Trout – 0-for-4. I know his power’s been there, but it’s almost May and he’s hitting .170. I understand he’s been unlucky, but gasp. I’m a Gasper. I’m Mickey Gasper, who is hitting for a better average.

Jose Soriano – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50. [histrionically yawns]

Simeon Woods Richardson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.07. His peripherals are starting to become intriguing — 9.6 K/9, 2.2 BB/9 — but Streamonator hates his next, and I don’t trust him quite enough yet.

Joe Ryan – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.18. If you have Joe Ryan, take a moment and say, “Thank you, War Room.” [listens for a ‘you’re welcome,’ nothing comes] Rude.

Luke Keaschall – Fractured his forearm. Twins are cursed with injuries. It must be something in the water. “The problem,” he thought, “How do we know where the water is coming from?” as he looked out over the 10,000 lakes.