Lately, Eric Hosmer has been living up to his nickname, Mini Joey Votto. Hmm, that’s a bit long for a nickname. How about Mini Joey? Oh, I know, Embryonic Kangaroo! That rolls off the tongue! *Grey puts on a terrible Aussie accent* “Embryonic Kangaroo is a fair dinkum chockers! What a ripper! I need a sickie, a slab and a barbie on the back of the ute! Or just watch that Toni Collete movie where she’s in the wheelchair singing ABBA. That gets me knickers on the soddy poop schmear!” Yesterday, the Embryonic Kangaroo went 5-for-6, 5 runs, 6 RBIs and a slam (16) and legs (5), hitting .319. He has four homers post-ASB in 50 ABs, and seems to finally have the chockers on dinkum. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Whit Merrifield – 3-for-7, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .294. True story: I drafted Merrifield in my NFBC league, a league with no waivers, because I couldn’t understand why the Royals weren’t going with Merrifield to start the year. I did like Mondesi too, but he felt raw, unpolished, like an anti-Pollock. So, Merrifield took a month to get called up, why bring this up now? Well, to give myself a backward compliment, I’m wondering why I know more than a major league team. That shouldn’t ever happen. I said true story, I never said interesting!
Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.17. As they taught me in film school, marry Spielberg’s relative. Wait, no, the other thing. Show, don’t tell. I will show you the stats I got from Nola since I picked him up about six weeks ago: 41 1/3 IP, 51 Ks, 4 Wins, 1.31 ERA, 0.92 WHIP. Nola is my King Baby.
Aaron Altherr – 2-for-5, 2 runs as he was activated from the DL. Aaron said, “I am the Altherr of my own destiny.” Lame!
Cameron Rupp – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. As a dyslexic stutterer would say, p-pur. By the way, whoever thought it a good idea to give the word’s hardest word to spell to a set of people who struggle to spell, you’re messed up. Dyslexics should beat your ssa.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 8th and 9th steals, hitting .281. Someone wanna do me a solid? Tell me how many players have had two or more home run games vs. two or more steal games.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. I think he could go on a 15-homer month barrage and people would not buy-in next year. Kinda done with him, people are, said Yoda.
Nick Williams – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Still schmotato, which sounds like a Paul Simon album.
Lewis Brinson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hit 7th. “Hey, Grey, all-knowing, sayer of soothes, Brinson, Bader, Devers, rookie diarrhea, blabba, blabba bloo.” Devers has upside, but has Nunez; Bader may be gone when Fowler or Piscotty return; Brinson’s likely here unless he bombs out, though could split time with Phillips. Though, Part II: Really Though, Phillips looks completely lost.
Domingo Santana – 2-for-5 and his 17th homer. Black Sabbath Santana!
Jimmy Nelson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Sonavabench! Fine, yes, that is true, but my confidence in Nelson is building more and more by the game. Think he’s reached “Start everywhere but Coors” status.
Erick Fedde – Called up to start on Saturday in place of the recently DL’d Strasburg. I guess they think Fedde is ready. First one to say that! First one ever! No way anyone’s said that before! They did? Oh. Prospector Ralph said, “He’s more or less a two-pitch guy. 92-94 sinking fastball, nasty slider, and then a mid 80s change (um, that’s three). Gets grounders and misses bats. Delivery is kind of ugly though.” He’s likely up for only one start, so meh..be streamer.
Sean Doolittle – 1 IP, 3 ER, 9.00 ERA on the Nats. Someone should make a t-shirt that says, “What would Dusty do?” Then on the back reads, “Do the opposite.” Why is he throwing Doolittle in every game? He did this exact same thing with Blake Treinen in April until Treinen’s arm fell off and he was removed from the closer role. The Nats were up by five, Doolittle should’ve been checking Yelp for where to eat after the game! You have to own Ryan Madson for now.
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.81. Nats’ Gio is the gift that keeps giving like a Nat-Geo issue with unencumbered boobies.
Santiago Casilla – 0 IP, 3 ER. Someone looks like a good bet to be traded to the Nats! I guess you can try handcuff, Blake Treinen, but not exactly a handcuff I’m fond of unless you’re Whodini singing, “Friends! How many us have them?”
Marcus Semien – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Semien’s hot, which sounds painful and like his first name should be Mucus, but it’s actually delightful!
Justin Smoak – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. I get the feeling Smoak will get no respect in the preseason next year. Something tells me people are going to chalk this up to an outlier.
Yu Darvish – 3 2/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 4.01. Someone said, “Ooh Miami,” was on schedule and all Darvish could think about was good ramen.
Dee Gordon – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Someone check his urine!
Christian Yelich – 4-for-5, 4 runs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Let me drink his urine for the Fountain of Youth!
J.T. Realmuto – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and third homer in the past four games, hitting .307. I wonder how many times he said, “My name is ‘Just Troy,'” and they wrote “Justroy” until he was like, “Fine, J.T.!”
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Where you at, Judge?!
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 5 RBIs, hitting .315, as the Marlins scored 22 runs on 22 hits. The Marlins scored 425 runs in their previous 98 games. What’s that, four runs per game average? If Little League rules applied, game would’ve been called in the fourth inning, while a Rangers player’s dad fought with a Marlin player’s dad, and an umpire tried to get Yelich’s mom’s digits.
Greg Holland – Placed on paternity leave. Soon to be fired doctor in maternity leave, “Hey, there’s a baby coming out out of the Holland tunnel!”
Pat Neshek – Acquired by the Rockies to work middle relief. Rockies, “We want you to bridge the gap in all of our 12 to 11 games.”
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. I’m so proud of every single one of you that helped me build the world’s tallest house of cards. We came together, in this open field, as a community with a singular focus–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Paul DeJong – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and, like, his 35th homer in the last five days. Wow, DeJong is just openly corking his bat, huh? Is he training with Albert Belle? What the WUT, doode. Is Chris Shelton wearing a Paul DeJong Halloween costume?
Randal Grichuk – 4-for-5, 1 run. The most shocking thing of the day, four singles from Grichuk. I honestly didn’t know he knew how to hit the ball under 380 feet.
Avisail Garcia – Will miss several weeks with a strained thumb. He injured it swiping too hard on Tinder.
Yoan Moncada – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Wait, wait, wait! Bader, Brinson, Devers or Moncada? Moncada has the most upside, downside and least playing time concerns.
Jake Arrieta – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.03. I kinda feel like this series against the White Sox is like when Andre would fight The Brooklyn Brawler. Are the Cubs just padding their record?
Steven Matz – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.51. After the game, the Mets said, “We’re gonna bring up Amed very soon.” Then a reporter pointed out they were talking into the disembodied elbow of Matz.
Manuel Margot – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Definitely already on my short-list for 2018 sleepers. 15-homer power and 30-steal speed will do that.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, and 2nd home run in his last three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. When Puig lets one fly!
Luis Severino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.03. The accolades I have thrown at his feet in the way of word bouquets are not enough to show my true love for him. Severino, I will give you my dead grandmother’s kugel recipe, if you want it.
Didi Gregorius – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and his 4th homer in three days, and his 19th homer in ten days and oh em gee, Dee Dee, you got me like: *insert picture of Spike Lee rubbing ice cubes on Rosie Perez’s shoulder*
Todd Frazier – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Oh wait, when a player changes teams but not leagues, they keep their stats. Right! Forgot about that! Frazier has 17 homers for you completists.
Adam Duvall – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .269. Whoa, someone give me an NC-17 warning before .269! What are we, Reddit now?
Rafael Devers – 2-for-4 and his 1st major league hit and home run. Damn, maybe they don’t need Nunez. But Devers looked so bad after two at-bats! Hmm, okay, trade Nunez for a starter. *24 hours later* Devers went 0-for-3? Give them back Nunez! Yo, the Red Sox are the annoying guy in your league who drops and picks up 15 players a day. Wait a minute, I’m that guy!
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.37. No foolsies, Sale could be the lede every time he starts. Him, Scherzer and Kershaw. They’re that good. I know, not that illuminating, but what am I? Devin Mesoraco with a light bulb in his mouth?
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homers. Just Dong, because everyone else is doing it! Between Au Shizz, wham bam thank you, Lamb, and Just Dong, the Diamondbacks just need to trade for Moustakas, and I’ll just be saying catchphrases for all of their players.
Dansby Swanson – Sent down to the minors. Sad to say, but I thought he was sent down a few weeks ago.
Gregor Blanco – 2-for-4, 1 run and two steals (9, 10). My eyes are perked (not my ears, because I’m seeing shizz), and fully monocled on a cyclops, but Blanco isn’t an everyday player. By the by, his name is Spanish for White Russian, and the vodka that is used is Ketel Marte (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer).
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.36. Corbin’s been a bit touch and go, like your uncle, but he hasn’t had a truly atrocious start since his first one of June, and an ERA near-2.50 in July.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.85. Look at Eff Samard!%%&@ actually putting in some work. He even squeaked out a victory to move to 5-11, with the Giants not wasting all their offense on Taillon the nightmare before Samardzija.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer. Endorphin Ralph asked me yesterday, “Schoop or Dee Gordon?” I think it’s based on team needs, so that brings me to: next year, in the 5th round: Schoop or Gordon?
Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.46 vs. Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 2 ER, five baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 6.93. This matchup of Ubaldo/Cobb was briefly billed as “The Husking of a Man: Manscapers,” but everyone involved thought better of it.
Steven Souza – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (21) and legs (6), hitting .271. Bit of a broken record here, but A) Souza’s been terrific all year. B) Any record with a Souza is therefore broken. C) There’s no C.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .273. You know how every team (and person) that’s around long enough goes through a bad judgment call on uniforms? The Rays should have a season where their uniforms have a sewn picture of Ray Charles.
