Yesterday, Ender Inciarte went 8-for-10 with two runs, 5 RBIs and two steals (18, 19), hitting .310. That’s a doubleheader that would’ve made Ernie Banks blush. And Ernie only blushed one time that we know of, the time Ernie confused Fergie Jenkins with Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas late one night at Harry Caray’s. “Yo, Ernie, what you talkin’ about with my humps, my lovely little lumps? And I don’t know what I’m going to do with the junk in my trunk, why do you keep asking? You holding a garage sale?” I don’t know why I enjoy the sweet stylings of Ender Inciarte so much. I kinda hate guys like Adam Eaton, and we should call Ender, “Cheap Eats with Some Indian Guy Named Khan,” because he is nothing more than a cheap Eaton. Maybe it’s because Ender always comes at a discounted rate to go with his “Yes, You Khan Cheap Eats” shizz. Though, he is a fantasy beast for supporting actual beasts. In other words, Ender is not making or breaking your team, but when you have guys that hit 40 HRs and .250, guys like Ender make all the difference as supplements. “Did someone say supplements?” What the hell are you doing here, Bonds? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-9, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .318. Someone should poll white nationalists to see if they’d be open to erecting statues of Freddie Freeman. I bet if they don’t know he’s a baseball player, the answers would be, um, colorful.
Tyler Flowers – Having his wrist examined back in Atlanta. The receptionist in Atlanta who received Flowers began to cry, feeling unloved.
R.A. Dickey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.91. I wonder what his career ERA is in the NL East vs. everywhere else. Sure, I could figure it out, but that would kill my wonder. You a “Wonder Killer?”
Jerad Eickhoff – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.71. Rudy texted me yesterday, “Every time Jared grabs my LABR team by the balls, I turn to the left Eickhoff.”
Miguel Cabrera – Brad Ausmus said Miggy will have to deal with his back problems the rest of his career. Ausmus added, “I told him he might be able to keep the problem at bay, if he bathed in my grandma’s chicken soup once a day. She makes matzo balls out of epson salt.”
Nick Castellanos – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 19th homer. Exit velocity + Coors = Dorothy Hamill’s haircut. Hmm, math’s off there, was supposed to equal homers.
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-3 and his 32nd homer, hitting .339. There’s a tight three-way on top of our Player Rater for most valuable player this year between Chazz Noir, Giancarlo and Au Shizz. Okay, this is weird. I just Googled “Tight three-way + Giancarlo” and found my own post.
Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.46. Indians scored two runs in the first inning, and it was all Bauer needed. Well, that and three relievers, a bunch of runners getting stranded because he walked four guys, and this chair. That’s all Bauer needs! Okay, and this stapler.
Jose Ramirez – 4-for-9, run and his 15th steal. Damn, somebody’s bat is woke. Still not how the kids use it?
Yan Gomes – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Yan can schmotato!
Francisco Lindor – 4-for-9, 3 runs, and the doubleheader slam (25) and legs (11). That’s so good for a doubleheader, it would almost make Ernie Banks blush, like the time he confused Billy Williams with Will.I.Am. “Are you gonna hook me up with Fergie or what?” “Ernie, what are you saying? Fergie Jenkins is married, and not interested.”
Greg Bird – 2-for-8, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. This Bird you cannot cage, though you do need to platoon.
Jack Flaherty – Will start on Friday with the recently displaced (plugged?) Leake. In last Friday’s Buy, I said, “I’m a huge Jack Flaherty fan, a Fanerty? No, not a Fanerty. I don’t dress up like a ceiling fan wearing a Cardinals’ jersey and show up at the games. Or do I?! On Prospector Ralph’s top 100 prospects list, Flaherty was 45 overall, and he can give you Ks and command, a lovely combo. The ‘he’ in that is Flaherty, not Prospector Ralph, though, maybe it is him too.” And that’s me quoting me! I’d stream him in most leagues vs. the Giants, and then in mixed leagues, I’d go one start at a time until we can trust him.
Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homers, hitting .307. He’s on pace for 22/22/.300 in only three quarters of a season. Best waiver wire pickup I made in a deep league? Might be. Am I excited for him next year? Not in the least. Cardinals seem to have a Fantasy #2 Outfielder title to give out every year, and this year it was supposed to be Piscotty or Grichuk and Pham grabbed it. More about Pham next preseason, but his HR/FB, OPS and BABIP are ludicrous for him.
Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .237. Continued from above blurb, Grichuk could easy grab back the title next year from Pham. Like Broxton grabbed back Grichuk’s home run.
Carlos Martinez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.52 vs. Chase Anderson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.96. A million times I’m choosing C-Mart over C-And, and about 789,000 times I’d likely regret it. Bit of a slave to Ks, command and velocity, but most times that will win the day, except in the matchup of these two guys. Looking at Anderson’s peripherals, I am more optimistic than I thought I would be.
Domingo Santana – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer, hitting .276. Hitting close to .450 in the last week, and three homers in the last ten games. Are you the Lord or U-God? No? Then stop sleeping on Sunday!
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Hitting near-.400 in the last week, but that’s deceiving, because he’s platooning and that was only in 12 ABs.
Bryce Harper – Dusty Baker said yesterday Harper is a “long way from running.” Terrible news, unless this is like when Dusty said, “He is a long way from tiring,” about every pitcher at 120 pitches.
Stephen Strasburg – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.90, and pitchslapped Adam Conley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.02. Thought of something when Strasburg pitchslapped Conley. Strasburg’s pitching motion, The Inverted W, should just be called an M, but if you want to make it ‘fancy,’ they should call it the Crane Kick.
Wilmer Difo – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week. Nice work, Green Goblin!
Andrew Cashner – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.30. Someone at 6:55 PM yesterday, “Meh, what the eff, I’m gonna stream Cashner vs. the Astros and Montero.” At that exact moment, that person should’ve bought a lottery ticket.
Rougned Odor – 0-for-3, hitting .214. 27 homers and 13 steals are only taking me so far on goodwill here, Odor. My patience is wearing super thin, and I’ve been patient with you through five months. HIT THE GODDAMN BALL! HOW DO YOU EFFIN’ LOWER YOUR AVERAGE WHEN IT’S ALREADY IN THE TWO-TEENS?! YES, I SAID ‘TWO-TEENS!’ AHHH!!!
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Ha, know what he’s doing, right? Getting some stats so people who checked out early to fantasy football (segue, snitches!) show up next March and are like, “Why are you so down on Hanley? He hit 25 homers last year and the Sawx have a good lineup.”
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 4th homer in the last eight games. Ugh, because Mitch’s home run was a pinch-hit home run–Sonavabench! Any hoo! Moreland is a hot schmotato.
Ian Happ – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer. Literally, every time he starts, he homers. He has twice as many homers as Zobrist in 60 less ABs. Also, has 12 more RBIs, one more run (even though Zobrist regularly bats higher in the order), and is hitting 20 points higher. Yet, Maddon starts Zobrist because he thinks it’s going to get him into heaven.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homer, hitting .199. This was his first hit in four games, unless you count the hit yesterday Mannequin Schwarber got in the simulated game that happened in Joe Buck’s bedroom.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Eddie Rosario – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homers, hitting .292. Ugh, I feel myself already wanting to write a Rosario sleeper post. *smacks head* Remember what Kepler did to you!
Whit Merrifield – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (17) and legs (26), hitting .283. Wow. Still have a month left and he’s already at 17/26, and he wasn’t even good until mid-May!
Logan Morrison – 1-for-4 and his 33rd homer, and four homers in the last four games. LoMo seeing the ball in slow-mo, and making most of the schmotato.
Steven Souza – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .252. He’s hit .169 in August (with 7 HRs and 5 SBs), and was starting to think Souza should be playing a funeral dirge for my fantasy team average.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer, hitting .318. Au Shizz!
Robbie Ray – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.97. I get the sense that it won’t dawn on people how great Ray has been this year until next March. Off top of my head, thinking he’s going to be around a top 7 starter.
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, as he hits 8th, which is the first time in the last two years Grandy has hit in the order where he should. Halle Berry Lujah!
Mike Trout – 4-for-4, 4 runs and his 27th homer, hitting .327. Someone the other day said Yahoo’s player blurb for Trout was something about him struggling. His August: 8 HRs, 3 SBs, .285, .455 OBP. Or a 48/18 pace. Oh. *reads War and Peace* Kay.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th and 21st homers, hitting .232. The end of a Hall of Fame career is always so sad. They’re never what they once were. For instance, Bonds’ head was six times the size as when he started.
Blake Parker – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.14 and his 3rd straight save. The Sciosciapath seems to have named a new closer without telling anyone about it. Like the single tree in the forest falling, if the Sciosciapath thinks something, does anyone know what he’s thinking?
Parker Bridwell – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.52. The Regression Fairies are always the Bridwell, never the bride.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and third homer in the last three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Jose Pirela – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .292. I’m a bit of a sucker for guys who hit third, and as unlikely as Pirela is as a three-hole hitter, he’s there and I have owned him on and off for the last month in a 12-team mixed league.
Welington Castillo – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and fourth homer in the last seven games, and hitting near-.420 in the last week and…*steam escapes from my ears* I. Must. Shut. Down.
Trey Mancini – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer, hitting .294, hitting near-.450 in the last week. Though, in fairness, every hitter is hitting near-.450 in the last week because major league pitching sucks.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer, hitting .304. If he gets to 35 homers and .300 on the year, where does he get drafted next year vs. where should he? My guess is he should go in the top 30, but ends up closer to 60.
Mitch Haniger – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Don’t worry, fantasy baseball ‘perts, you can just Find and Replace 2017 with 2018 for your Haniger sleeper posts. For instance, my Josh Rutledge 2020 sleeper post is already written!
David Phelps – Left yesterday’s game with arm trouble. Oh no, but what about the M’s wild card chances? Ow eye roll headache!
Mike Leake – Traded from the Cards to the Mariners for Rayder Ascanio. Mike Leake sounds like a name Bart Simpson would call and ask for at Moe’s. Moe, “Hey, is there a Mike Leake here? Mike Leake here?” Barney burps, “Great, we don’t have to get up to take a whizz.” Mike Leake for Rayder Ascanio sounds like someone with good aim for a golden shower on someone’s backside. Leake’s value remains the same, which is that of a streamer. Pun noted! On the M’s, call him Leake King Felix.