“I want to recreate the Pequot War of 1636, but I don’t want to use ordinary weapons, instead I want to use diarrhea.” “How would that work, Matt Moore?” “I’m thinking whenever I see an Indian, I throw crap. Then instead of Pocahontas, I can scream, ‘Poke-a-hot-ass,’ but rather than it be traditionally offensive, it can mean the stream of hot ass I’m throwing.” “Feels a little performance arty.” Instead of listening to his agent, Matt Moore (4 IP, 10 ER), went ahead with his revolutionary war. Finally, Edwin Encarnacion (3-for-5, 6 RBIs, and his 7th, 8th and 9th homers) showed up. “I told you not to put my name on a tag on my foot.” That’s Edwin showing signs of life. Might still be able to buy him low due to his sub-Mendoza batting average (.191), but I’d buy fast, because he could go on a 17+ homers in a month power spree. Also, in this game, Jason Kipnis (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer) said, “JK still playing baseball, not JK as in just kidding, but my initials. In case, ya know, you thought otherwise.” I have little to no love for Kipnis, this was against one of the worst pitchers in baseball, and means little. “I’m not a bad pitcher, I’m a terrible historical recreator!” That’s Matt Moore. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, ERA at 2.41, WHIP at 0.78. Thankfully, he didn’t pitch to the score.
Elvis Andrus – Unlikely to return before June. Okay, but when’s June due to return?
Nomar Mazara – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Mezzuzah!
Joey Gallo – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. As Spring Training Narratives (capped!) go, Gallo cutting his Ks seems to have withstood the test of time (a whole month!). And, uh, he’s still a .225 hitter.
Will Smith – Activated from the DL. Good, whatever gets him to stop making terrible Netflix films.
Johnny Cueto – Will receive multiple opinions on his elbow with one opinion coming from Dr. James Andrews. I already know what his opinion will be, “I need a new yacht with some hoochies, so let’s slice that ‘bow!”
Nick Hundley – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in his last three games. Too bad the Giants have that other scrub catcher stealing at-bats from him.
Jacob deGrom – Bad news on Jacob deGrom is he left the game with a hyperextended elbow. The good news is he’s halfway to a great Inspector Gadget costume. This type of injury usually sidelines a pitcher for about four to six weeks, but obviously everyone’s different. I’m sure with the Mets trainers looking after him, he’ll be out until 2019.
Johan Camargo – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .316. Also, in this game, Ryan Flaherty hit his 2nd homer. Will be fun when Jose Bautista comes back and Braves fans long for the days of the blahtoon of Ryan Flaherty and Camargo — Joyan Flamargo?
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .282. I love Ender, but the Braves are so stacked, Ender hitting ninth is actually the right move. Yo, baseball GMs, study how the Braves rebuilt.
Sean Newcomb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Since this is Newcomb, wanna flip your wig? His ERA is with neutral luck and a 10.9 K/9. Yummers!
Fernando Romero – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, and 7 baserunners, 5 Ks in his debut. Slider looked pretty legit. Okay, very legit. Cutting, biting action that tied up hitters like he was BTK. Doode also had very little idea where the ball was going more often than not. Almost surely will roofie you at some point. Podcast Ralph and I talk about him on the podcast, that we’ve been been struggling to post due to recording issues. We’re hoping to salvage it and get it up today.
Eddie Rosario – 2-for-4 and a slam (5) and legs (3), hitting .253. He’s on pace for 31 HRs and 19 SBs, and that was with a pee-poor couple week stretch. Please drop him more, you are only energizing him and me! We feel alive!
Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 7.52. Woof. Easily best he’s looked this year by a stretch. Sorry, short joke. I said not to draft Stroman, wouldn’t own him until now, but if it’s a matter of picking him up off waivers, I’m cyclops’ing.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-3, and a 7-game hitting streak, hitting .324 on the year. So fresh, so schmotato.
Aaron Nola – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.17, WHIP at 0.92. Isn’t it weird how in the preseason you swore to God you needed a top starter? You didn’t think you could get by without Kershaw, deGrom, etc., but then a month into the season, you’re like, “I’m totally fine with Nola, Bauer and Newcomb.” I wish I could bottle that feeling for everyone and give it to them every March. I don’t know if you remember this, but I had a league where someone drafted Scherzer, Bumgarner and Verlander with their 1st three picks. That team is in 9th; I’m in first.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Cesar said, “I’ll take that ball toga!”
Jordan Montgomery – Could miss two months. Or better yet, his season is half full!
Luis Severino – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.11, WHIP at 0.85. This pulls the Yankees even in the ALCS. Tomorrow’s game will feature Tanaka vs. McCullers and we’ll have more inane chatter from John Kruk. See you then!
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. “So, you’re a psychic who tells me my deepest, darkest fantasy? That sounds interesting.” *places hands, palms up in psychic’s hands* The psychic begins, “You’re in a…Looks like a gym locker room shower…and you’re carrying a large satchel filled with something…You’re shaking out the satchel and thousands of bars of soap are falling out. Wait, there’s another person there and their skin is airbrushed with the number 27.” The psychic pushes away, “You’re sick.”
Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 7.01. Better! No, not all the way there, but one walk vs. seven Ks is exactly what we want to see. Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Sounds headed to the DL with a below-the-belt type injury. The Dodgers’ bus should’ve never stopped at that crosswalk for that clowder of black cats.
Zack Godley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.41. So far, better than Goldy. With pitching and hitting.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Kris Bryant – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Bryant and Rizzo have 6 homers combined, or the same as Mookie Betts hit in two games.
Yu Darvish – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.00. He’s about as dependable as a junky car from the 80’s–Oh, man, I just realized! Yu is short for Yugo. “One thing I always said, you cannot go wrong buying a car from a country that is no longer in existence,” said no one ever. “I named my kids Sara and Jefe after Sarajevo, because I conceived them in my Yugo,” said at least one of your parents. Don’t lie. Any hoo! Darvish’s velocity isn’t awful, his command is, and I think this might be a mechanics problem. Just like a Yugo!
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .320. We’re going to find our way out of this deserted ghost town of zombies that are hunting us, because I have this map. Now, just let me put it down for a second by this open window–NOOOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Chris Iannetta – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. No lie, I’ve dropped him for two of his three homers, then picked him up for an 0-for-week’s worth of stats. Sonavadrop!
Trevor Story – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .235. He must’ve slumped for a few there, huh? I thought he was hitting closer to .255. Okay, this is my inner monologue. I need a nap. *closes eyes, claps hands 3 seconds later* I’m back, snitches!
Tyler Anderson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Hmm, need to take a new look at him. His Ks are way up (10 K/9), his walks are bonkers too (4.3 BB/9) and his velocity is down. I’m pregunta’ing whether to trust him in away games, but I sure as heckfire don’t trust him at home, and at home (3.36 ERA in 131 1/3 IP) is where he’s been much better, so where does that leave us? Not to answer, but to simply move on.
Mookie Betts – 4-for-4, and his 9th, 10th and 11th homers, hitting .365. Yo, what’s he trying to do, the best 140 games played ever? Ted Williams’ Frozen Head is even getting hot under the collar.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .343. Not having a bad few games after I said to sell him. *slowly walks out of room, dodges thrown tomato* All kidding aside, he’s still not a .340 hitter, has played a full season once in his career, his Ks are up and walks are down. Still not saying to sell him for anything below where I ranked him, but if you can do better.
Drew Pomeranz – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.14. Better. Dot dot dot. Marginally. Was against the Royals, and I wonder if Pomeranz is dealing with the same forearm issues as in the spring.
Cheslor Cuthbert – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Rudy started Cuthbert in one weekly league, due to the Hitter-Tron. Rudy’s also looking at toasters in weird ways because of the Hitter-Tron, so there ya go.
Blake Snell – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.55, WHIP at 0.94 vs. Michael Fulmer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.80, WHIP at 1.27. This matchup was billed as, “Two Guys Grey Liked In The Preseason.” Pretty niche billing with demographics of 99.9% male and 100% who have snuck out of a family function to watch baseball at a hotel bar.
Lucas Giolito – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 7.03. I watched the majority of this game, and Giolito must’ve thrown 80% yakkers and the Cards hitters swung hard and pulled off of each one. I was screaming at my iPad for them to stop trying to do so much and just go the other way. Up until this start, his peripherals were about as ugly as they come (3.9 K/9, 7.4 BB/9). Actually, they still are.
Dexter Fowler – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .170. “Not sure how long until the morgue truck gets here, let’s just put the body in the ice cream truck and–Wait, I think he’s alive!” For what it’s worth, Fangraphs lists this as Fowler’s 4th homer, but first hit of the season.
Carlos Martinez – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.40, WHIP at 1.04, and pitchslapped Giolito. ‘Member when people were scared about drafting him? Then they were puffing out their chest after his first bad start, writing up narratives and trying to find the perfect emoji to tack on to their hot takes? Where are those people now?
Mike Trout – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Trout’s homers are like all my teenage sexual experiences. Solo.
Justin Upton – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .229. Also, in this game, Albert Pujols (2-for-4, hitting .248) hit his 6th homer. Upton and Pujols have near-identical lines so far, and Pujols is old enough to be Upton’s dad, but then I guess he’d be Melvin Upton Sr.?
Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.31. He was a Stream-o-Nator darling yesterday, because SON loves Angel Stadium and vs. the Orioles.
Dylan Bundy – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.76. You might hear some stuff on the podcast today about Bundy. Yeah, ignore that.
Ryon Healy – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 4th homer in four games. If you leave your password in the comments, I will log into your team and pick him up for you.
James Paxton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 16 Ks, ERA at 4.19. Okay, obviously if you want a lede at Razzball, you need to hit five homers in a game or strike out 20+ batters. I mean, what in the holy eff is going on in baseball? It’s like a carnival game put on by Nolan Ryan in his prime against Reggie Jackson in his prime. You either strikeout or you homer. If someone singles, I swear to you, it’s not gonna pretty! Don’t let me see no singles! Any hoo! James Paxton clearly had his hat on with a mullet to simulate Randy Johnson. Murray Chass said, “Yeah, but did he get a win? No? He sucks.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw–Wait, I did that already.
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Your best pickup of the season is Jed Lowrie is either a great thing for Lowrie, or an indictment of how bad your team is doing.
Mark Canha – 3-for-4 and his 5th homer. Still hot, still schmotatoing.
Brett Anderson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Look at B.A. Brokeass doing his best “no-look-Streamer pass.”
Jung-ho Kang – Reported to the Pirates’ spring training complex in Florida. And reported back, “The daqs at Hooters are da bomb dot gov.”
Francisco Cervelli – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .310. Just think, you could’ve had him 478 picks after Buster Posey.
Matt Adams – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 3rd homer in two days. Oh, it’ll stop. It always does. But you can still own him while you wait for him to cool off.
Bryce Harper – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (4). Meh, just a 50/20 pace. Kemp could do that in his dreams!
Adam Eaton – Wearing a walking boot. Why do I feel like we’re a week away from hearing Eaton’s sporting a body cast?
Daniel Murphy – Still can’t run without pain. “Is body cast one word or two?” “Two.” “Okay, how’s this sound, looking for a doctor to put two people in same body cast. Needs to be flexible enough to cheer on teammates.” That’s Daniel Murphy and Eaton putting together a classified ad.
