Marlins’ Batters Got Cristophried

Philadelphia Phillies is such a funny name. It’s like the California Calis or the New York Yorkies. How’d that get through 150 years of name changes to get to us? ACKSUALLY, I wonder if it’s because it’s such an old name it’s how it’s here. The name is from 1883, and back then people would be like, “You got gout,” and it was just them taking “You” and adding it into “got.” Any hoo! Cristopher Sanchez (8 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.87) of the Philly Phillies had a marvelous marvel of a game against the Miami Mamies. If you remember, the Sanchez Sanchezes were the first pitcher of his kind to have forearm soreness and rebuild like an admiral Admiral. He’s now sitting on 9.4 K/9, 2.9 BB/9, 3.07 xFIP and a 55.7% ground ball rate, which is incredibly incredible. His fast fastball has rebounded, after his return, and he throws primarily a sinking sinker. The Philly Phillies have one of the best rotating rotations, and Sanchez is right there in the mix as their second best, behind the first guy behind the wheel, Wheeler. Anyways! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3 and his 23rd homer. You think he’s great? Nay, as Fonzie’s horse said, you think Schwarber is excellent! Yes, you do. Okay, keep that in mind for when you get to Eugenio Suarez’s blurb. Yeah, you got homework!

Edward Cabrera – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.81. EdCab fighting against the Ubers and the gig economy to make something of himself. What is that something? Let’s see! 9.6 K/9, 4 BB/9, 3.80 xFIP, low ground balls (not literally) and giving up too many homers. Wouldn’t say straight Streamonator, but I’m not sure I’d just start him every time out either.

Andrew Heaney – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.94. I was so close to streaming him. Holy crap, I avoided that disaster like my name was Mr. I’ve Streamed Heaney So Many Times In Past Years I Know This Won’t End Well.

Nick Gonzales – 4-for-10, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. He hit leadoff in the 1st game and cleanup in the 2nd game. See, that’s by design. Pirates have built an offense where he could be hitting leadoff and cleanup in different games or the same game and no one would know the difference.

Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .271. McClutchin’ His Knees has tied Grounder Henderson in homers. Haha, kill me now.

Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 1.85. Pretty uncharacteristically wild, but maybe he was mad because the umps really sucked. Bring on the robots!

Zach McKinstry – 2-for-8 and his 4th homer. Bobbing head to The Cure at the McKinstry of Sound, “Rad.”

Byron Buxton – 3-for-6, and his 14th homer and 15th, and 3rd and 4th homer in as many games. MVP (of my worst fantasy team)! MVP (of my worst fantasy team)! MVP (of my worst fantasy team)! The chants grew (in my head).

Kody Clemens – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .219. His father was better at hitting things with a bat when facing Mike Piazza.

Ryan Jeffers – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .255. This was his 2nd homer since May 18th. Gemini runs from May 21st to June 20th and is represented by Twins, which is who Jeffers plays for, but you should have more homers than when you’re counting freakin’ twins on two fingers!

Nick Martinez – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.55. The Nickmare on Pete Rose Way.

Gavin Lux – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. “I told you he’d be great!” That’s a prospect writer in 2018.

Willson Contreras – 2-for-7, 5 RBIs and his 10th homer. Checking in on the Contreras Brother Battle (CBB) on the Player Rater and it’s easily the older brother so far. Not even close. Mother Contreras only needs to buy one Xmas gift this year the way it’s going. May I suggest a framed Flying Molina Brothers poster from when they were doing that Cirque de Soleil show in Vegas called Catch.

Alec Burleson – 4-for-8, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. Took until June, but Burleson is finally starting to resemble the guy I was excited about drafting in March. Roughly two weeks after I dropped him just about everywhere.

Nolan Arenado – 3-for-9, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. At an auction, I acquired Howard Hughes’s longest pinkie nail. Come here, I’ll show you. I have it teetering over by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Lars Nootbaar – 3-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Sometimes you feel like a Noot…

Michael McGreevy – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.70, as he was recalled. I might be hungry but I just thought of a biscuit at McDonald’s with some McGravy. Yum! Any hoo! This was a spot start, so, yeah, I don’t have a ton of excitement in redraft leagues.

Erick Fedde – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.54. Streamonator hates his next one, and I see no reason why he should exceed expectations.

Andrew Benintendi – 4-for-9, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .246. Wonder if he’ll be the next big name moved in a trade. Can you imagine? After the White Sox started building around him in 2023 to just give it away after all they’ve accomplished.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.64, but four of his last five starts have been solid and three have been Quality. Can’t say I fully trust him, but he has been pitching like vintage Chazz Saltinteri.

Colton Cowser – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, 3rd homer in three games, and maybe he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, if he’s rostered in less than 50% of leagues and makes the cut-off. You can hardly wait. No, you!

Drew Rasmussen – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.61. Someone questioned me why Rasmussen would be shut down early this year, and I don’t know. Maybe he won’t. He hasn’t thrown more than 45 IP in three years and he three elbow surgeries, so I’m guessing he will.

Xander Bogaerts – 4-for-4, 3 runs and his 4th homer. He must’ve heard people talking this week how the Red Sox “screwed up” losing Mookie and Devers, but at least they were “smart” to let Bogaerts walk. Or Bogaerts had his one good game per month. One of those two options.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 0-for-4. HBP in the 9th inning and seemed to be in pain. Padres and Dodgers is like one of those old school feuds where you really sense they hate each other and there’s no kayfabe. Robert Suarez even hit Ohtani the next inning, and Ohtani was just like, “Whatever, stay in the dugout, I’m good.” We’ll hear more today about Tatis, and whether he’s hurt. You might want to join some friends in a prayer hexagon.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.76. Some pitchers watch their ERAs go down to 3.50, then bounce up to 4, then down then up, and always hover in there. Then you have Yoshi who seems to do that, but between 2.50 and 3.00. I like this one better.

Jacob Lopez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.25. [whispering] This guy’s stats look really solid. His walks are still a mess, but his Ks? Oh, they’re at 12.3 K/9 in 36 IP. I can’t pull the trigger in 12-team mixed leagues or shallower. There, still Streamonator, but he seems well within acquiring for deeper leagues, and might move to shallower leagues soon.

Nick Kurtz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, third homer in four games, 4th homer in five games, and his 2nd walk-off homer in four games. All Kurtz does is putz the hurtz on the Astros! Did I do something?

Jacob Wilson – 2-for-5, and his 9th homer, hitting .359. It’s good to have the real Luis Arraez back. Call him Luis Arealz. So, that’s Kurtz and Arealz!

Lawrence Butler – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer. I still feel bad for Oakland, but the A’s are fun.

Willie MacIver – 2-for-3 and a slam (1) and legs (2). Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner! The most random Slam & Legs. No one is beating this one this year. Better luck in 2026. MacIver whittled a mannequin leg into a bat and got it done! Congrats, man! That’s all you get.

Victor Caratini – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and, no, he won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but be crazy.

Gavin Williams – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.58. Guy’s command is so egregiously bad (3 walks yesterday, 5 BB/9 on the year) but has managed to remain worthwhile so I’m trying to ignore everything I know about extra baserunners coming back to bite him at some point.

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.49. Webb gem!

Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.76 vs. Jameson Taillon – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.84. This matchup was billed as, “FreddyKBB who usually gets KaBoB‘d vs. a guy who actually was skewered.”

Caleb Durbin – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .216. I have him in one league, and he’s benched because he’s so bad so far. Also, I just have him for speed, so that’s frustrating too. Lowercase yay.

Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .243. Rhys pieces together a solid season (and attracts ETs).

Isaac Collins – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and it’s time we finally went over him. There’s some concern that he might be a Quad-A player (he’s old), and can’t hit higher than .210 with a moderate K%, which means he makes a lot of weak contact. Numbers more or less back that up. What’s odd is he has power while making weak contact. His infield pop-ups back that up too. What’s also odd is he walks a lot but hits for a bad average. He does have speed too (went 14/24 in Triple-A last year). It’s all very odd! Plus, he sounds like a drink made with gin, and named after a bartender, yet…I think he plays sober. Hmm. He could be a low-grade 15-team mixed league guy and deeper. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s literally right here!

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in four games, hitting .244. Veruca Salt, “Dansby, whoever heard of a Dansby!”

Ian Happ – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .246. Star of the silver screen, Claudette Colbert in Ian Happened One Night, a screwball comedy where we expect Ian Happ to do more, grow frustrated and think about dropping him, then he does something, assuages us, and starts the cycle again.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. If he went 0-for-the-rest-of-the-season, he’d still have a solid year under his belt.

Jac Caglianone – 2-for-4 and his 1st and 2nd homer. The Italian Caglianone rises from the ashes of nonna’s Marlboro Red.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. If only Tony Soprano could’ve lived to see the Royals game yesterday. [makes sign of the cross, kisses horn hanging around neck]

Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.24. I’m embarrassed at myself for seeing Wacha on waivers and not picking him up. No one wants him!

Alejandro Kirk – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. Captain Kirk, we have made contact. Twice. Guy who looks like a bowling ball with legs is hitting .313.

Kevin Gausman – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.60. I hate this so much because it brings me so much joy and now I’m going to keep chasing this Schadenfreude high.

Gabriel Moreno – Hit the IL with hand inflammation. Hopefully he heals quicker than Yordan, who is currently on a list in Houston for a new hand. Jose Herrera will become the DBags’ catcher and that’s the last you have to know about that.

Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .237. That’s 42 homers since last All-Star Break; Kyle Schwarber has 42. Wow!

Pavin Smith – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. He also had a caught stealing for the very rare slam and “I got no legs” Guy from the movie, Kids.

Ryne Nelson – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Just looked up his stats and was expecting to be wowed. Floored, even. Like a Wildwood t-shirt that reads “1 Tequila, 2 Tequila, 3 Tequila, FLOOR” floored. I was not. Looks like a Streamonator guy for now.

Mike Trout – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .236. In the Files of Everyone Gets Old Some Time: Trout has gone from GREAT to lowercase great to GREAT WHEN HEALTHY to [shrugs] Meh, he’s okay.

Taylor Ward – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Guess what he’s hitting. C’mon, get within ten points. Bzzt, not close! He’s hitting .209. Cringe emoji that is trying not to cringe because the power is good.

Jo Adell – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Ya know who Adell’s become? What you would’ve taken from Adolis Garcia.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Au Shizz!

Trent Grisham – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .245, and hitting 9th. And you said he retired after April! Haha, who’s wrong now? The funniest (not funniest) is how people were convinced he became a different player because he had a hot April. He’s hitting .180 since May 14th with two homers.

Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Carlos might Carlose some, but he just Carwon one.

Devin Williams – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.27, but almost lights-out for two months and I wanted to quickly mention that Luke Weaver could be returning today, but it doesn’t mean he’s coming for the closer job. Weaver might’ve been Pipp’d. Or they share it, which is the worst case scenario.

Spencer Strider – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.89. With great command comes great responsibility to be an ace. And he’s making good on that.

Frankie Montas – Could return next week. Mets said there’s a good chance. That’s better than no or fat.

Clay Holmes – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.04. Could he finally be regressing? I’m not saying that, I’m wishing it.

Kristian Campbell – Optioned to the minors. It’s especially demoralizing when you still have a guy on your fantasy team that his own team doesn’t think is worthy of staying on their team and options him down to the minors. We should have a glossary term for that. Please suggest in the comments.

James Wood – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer, hitting .284. Guy makes me so happy I’m about to start petitioning the Academy to give James Woods an Honorary Oscar for playing “Ugly Bad Guy” in every movie.