Yesterday, Christian Yelich hit for the cycle, going 6-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .319. Yelich has been sexier than that random porn that was released of him. Speaking of porn (always a great intro to a sentence), you know you have a cougar problem when…True story, I woke up yesterday morning and Googled to see if there ever was a movie made called, Call Me By Your Ma’am with Kimothee ChalaMILF. That feels like too much information, but I trust you with everything, except any identifying details about me in real life. Any hoo! Yelich! Are you kidding me? Keyword is kidding, because he looks like he’s 12. Yo, you super pre-teen? You in Stranger Things? We’re at the point now when I’m starting to think about 2019, and Yelich, well, is there any way he’s not top 20? Yelich or Springer? Gotta be Yelich, right? Yelich or Bregman? Okay, tough call, but damn close. He’s definitely better than Kimothee ChalaMILF! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Freddy Peralta – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.40. Hey, can I leave my Fanta on this counter in this Afghani cave being watched by the shifty-eyed bartender? Thanks, just heading to the bathroom! *five hours later* Why are you weighing my kidney on that Weight Watchers scale? AHHH!!! ROOFIE!!!
Mike Moustakas – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer. Moistasskiss!
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Don’t worry, Craig Counsell will fill out the lineup card for their next game without Schoop starting, while holding the pen in a cockeyed manner.
Billy Hamilton – 4-for-5, 3 runs and his 4th homer, and 3rd career leadoff home run. He’s on pace to catch Rickey Henderson in 2067.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. Who was the Eugenius who drafted him? This guy with two thumbs wearing the same underwear I’ve worn for two weeks.
Andrew Miller – Hit the DL with an external impingement in his shoulder. Sounds like an acupuncturist visit gone wrong. “Is this what it feels like to be a cactus?” That’s me at an acupuncturist.
Jedd Gyorko – Hit the DL with a strained groin. “Is that a…groin?” That’s someone holding up a colander.
Matt Carpenter – Left yesterday’s game with nausea. Stop eating so much goddamn salsa!
Trevor Williams – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.30. Some day you’re going to tell your grandchildren about the time I called Trevor Williams a sleeper and no one believed me. Then your grandchildren are going to say, “I’m going out with friends, so don’t pull grandpop’s plug until I get back.”
Adalberto Mondesi – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. Truth Alert! I want to write a Mondesi lede, but I also want to save him for my first 2019 sleeper. Maybe I can do both, but what I say now will only be quoted by December Grey. “I can formulate my own opinions!” That’s December Grey.
Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.72. The Stream-o-Nator liked this start by Duffy, but you have acorns in your pants that are a lot bigger than yours truly if you start Duffy anywhere.
Mikie Mahtook – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his 3rd homer this week. I Mahtook you for a hot schmotato!
Michael Fulmer – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.71. The good news, he hasn’t announced he needs another elbow surgery. The bad news, I left off the end of that sentence ‘yet.’
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .222. That’s his 2nd homer this week, and, holy crap, he’s having an abysmal year for average. Carlos Santana, and his new song, Black Tragic wOBA’n.
Jake Arrieta – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.54 vs. Gio Gonzalez – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.57. This matchup was billed as, “‘I’m not my team’s number 2, you are!’ ‘No, you!’ ‘I said you!’ ‘I have Strasburg in front of me as a number 2!’ ‘Fine, we’re both number two’s but as in poop!'”
Trea Turner – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. I get the sense people don’t fully love Trea like they should, so I’m bringing out the exhibits. On our Player Rater, he’s a top 25 player. Throw out seven pitchers in front of him, and he’s a top 18 player. Draft a guy top ten and get top eighteen? Any day of the week and twice on Muesday.
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer. That ball was Rendon’d obsolete! “I missed my calling…game calling,” said like James Bond.
David Price – Left yesterday’s game after taking a comebacker off his left wrist but only has a contusion, which is lucky since it was an absolute shot like something Ryan Phillipe would do in Shooter. Gotta say, this show is my new guilty pleasure. It’s low-key fun, like owning Aledmys Diaz.
Eduardo Nunez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Yesterday, I said he was becoming a hot schmotato. Today, I say, yup.
Mookie Betts – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer. Mookie Ballgame!
Austin Dean – 1-for-4, and his 3rd homer. I was amped up for this guy last week, but this week that’s fizzled. Sad story, awful fortune cookie.
Derek Dietrich – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer. I actually grabbed him for a batty call two days ago and then divine inattention found him still in my lineup. Now? I think I’m still going to drop him. Terrible fortune cookie, mildly awful first person story.
Trey Mancini – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 20th homer. Is there anyone hotter right now? Not to answer, but to ruminate while someone else picks him up in your league.
Adam Jones – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .285. Two big games in a row, so definitely hot, but on a related note, how does he have 14 homers? 14 homers in today’s game is about 3 homers. Scooter Gennett hit more in one game! “Yo, why you skippin’ hard-hittin’ Mark Whiten on the memory tip…pin’?” That’s Mark Whiten.
Justin Smoak – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Those baseballs are going up in? Smoak.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .258. I own Pillar in own ragtag league and I was about to say he’s been doing well, but my mind’s playing tricks on me — RIP Geto Boys’ DJ — because Pillar’s been standing around doing nothing recently.
Devon Travis – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Oh, Lourdes, you better do something fast, because Devon’s coming for your lineup spot.
Josh Donaldson – Sat out of a High-A game with soreness in his legs. Donaldson’s leg transplant with a guy who drove a motorized scooter around Wal-Mart has backfired big time.
Reynaldo Lopez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.51. There was some concern that Reynaldo’s fastball velocity was way down early in the game, but he was prolly just nervous playing in front of Big Al, and his velocity went up as the game progressed. He’s not a start every time out guy, but if the Stream-o-Nator likes him, I could see streaming him. (Huge vote of confidence there!)
Ryan LaMarre – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Whoa, he only plays every three games, so LaMarre had a good game but let’s not get a-Heddy of ourselves.
Tommy Pham – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Pham’s eyeing 20/20. Badum tish!
C.J. Cron – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 25th homer. No lie, I think I’ve started him in the league where I own him for maybe five of his homers. It’s NFBC, so it’s weekly lineups, and every week begins like this, “Cron’s not going to start more than four games is he?” “Are you talkin’ me?” Then that devolves into me talking like Robert De Niro in the mirror for a few minutes and I never start Cron.
Mike Soroka – Won’t pitch again in 2018. Holy muffins, that means nothings!
Sean Newcomb – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.85. He is a true goat. Lowercase. Not that newfangled goat that’s uppercase. No, Newcomb is a goat like your grandparents meant it.
Johan Camargo – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Can we get Rotowear to make some Camargo shorts? Cause I’d rock those puppies like a mudderfudger!
Zack Godley – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.42. Finally, Zackariness is next to Godliness! Now do it for the last month and rope everyone into another mediocre year next year. (He gets the Padres next, so I’d absolutely grab him if he was dropped in your league.)
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer, and finally moved to the five hole, which makes so much more sense for Renfroe. I like him, but a three-hole hitter? C’mon, doode, you got nothing muffins in your head.
Manuel Margot – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. My promise to you is I will never call another Padres hitter a sleeper ever again, and will make colleges accept Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons for tuition. I’m Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario, and I approve this message.
Joey Lucchesi – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.59. He went sideways on the Wonky Highway during the month of July (5.21 ERA), but has slowed that roll nicely in August and is having a solid rookie season overall. Now please shut him down soon so he doesn’t throw too many IP this year.
Jean Segura – Left early from the game after fouling a ball off his leg. I once had a foul ball on my leg and screamed until I realized it was my own.
Alex Wood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.42 vs. Mike Minor – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.33. For the Minor/Wood game, Jeffrey Jones threw out the first pitch. Bee tee dubs, I streamed Minor in one league, and am holding him for his next start. All aboard the “This Could Get Ugly” train!
Albert Pujols – Will miss the rest of the season. Podcaster Ralph and I discuss Matt Thaiss on the latest edition of the Fantasy Baseball Podcast. We could see him now that Pujols is scratching his behind.
Jason Vargas – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.56. The Mets tweeted out, “This is now the fourth consecutive start Vargas has gone at least 5.1 IP and allowed two runs or less.” The Mets social media team backing up the cherrypicker! *gears of cherrypicker grinding* “Jacob deGrom is 0-0 when he knocks in the Mets only run.” *gears grind as social media team pulls away*
Todd Frazier – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 16th homer. Not saying he’s good, but he does have four homers in the last eight games, though he’s batting 6th (while Jay Bruce tries to remember how to hit in the cleanup spot, and Austin Jackson hits third).
Brandon Nimmo – 3-for-5, 1 RBI as he bats 7th. I mean, you can’t even make this fudging shizz up.
Trevor Cahill – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.60. 3, 2, 1…Disgraceful List stint? Now? How about now? Okay, but soon.
Tyler White – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Forget how I said yesterday I wanted Tyler O’Neill, now I want Tyler White! Or do I want O’Neill? Or White?! Ah, Greybot, malfunction! Need battery re…char…ge. Kaput.
Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.58, I was staying away from Keuchel in the preseason, but, tee bee aitch, he hasn’t been much better or worse than I expected. Not returning preseason value necessarily, but by no means has he been awful. Dallas Keuchel: Not Awful.
Charlie Morton – Hit the DL. I bring you, Hot Takes from Previous Commenters: