On Saturday, Charlie Morton went 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit (!), 6 BBs (Oy), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.82 vs. the never-seen-nothing-that-was-too-terrible-to-swing-at Rangers, no less. I can think of another word that rhymes with Chazz to call Morton. It sounds a bit like the spa we operated back in 2010. Don’t you remember Spazzball? The retreat for prematurely balding men who had to check in with their moms once a day. You don’t remember the Ballpark Water in the lobby that we floated hot dogs in? It was poorly conceived, for sure. Like this start by Morton, where he said, “I think over the course of the past couple weeks my delivery’s just kind of gotten a little out of whack and timing has gotten a little out of whack. And today was just really bad. It has to do with my front side. I’m just flying open.” Well, at least he feels bad and seems to know the issue, right? You don’t have a category for empathy in your league? Can you check with your commish about adding it? For unstints, if a player yawns after another player yawns, then they get an empathy point. No? Okay. Hopefully, Morton can right the ship, but I can’t say I’m not concerned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Hector Rondon – 1 IP, 0 ER with the Kimbrel on Sunday, and saves on Saturday and Sunday. Not only was I the first person to tell you to pick up Rondon, there were other ‘perts as late as yesterday still telling you about Rondon like it was a new thing. Get in my head and ride the lightning!
Yuli Gurriel – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. This is the 2nd guy in a row that was in Friday’s Buy. I got more Buys than Kanye has songs on his new albums. What EP is coming out this week? Kanye & Hannity?
Doug Fister – Hit the DL with a knee strain. Likely to replace him is Austin Bibens-Dirkx, who is Texas’ answer to Scranton Wilkes-Barre.
Rhys Hoskins – 0-for-3, 2 RBIs as he was activated from the DL on Saturday when he hit his 7th homer. PTR! Praise the Rhysus! Now show us (shoyus?) what you were doing last year once again. Pretty pleasus.
Jake Arrieta – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 2.97, and back-to-back awful starts. Like how my dog Ted sometimes gets fleas and he’s like, “Yo, scratch my bum,” Arrieta has the Regression Fairies riding his bum.
Maikel Franco – Benched for four straight games. Say what you will about Kapler, and I will, but it didn’t take him long to realize Maikel is not a major league starter in his current incarnation. Maybe he needs to don a battery-repellant helmet and be reincarnated as Maikel Schmidt.
Tommy Hunter – 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, ERA at 4.32. Let’s stop fooling ourselves. The Phils don’t have a closer. They can’t possibly, Gabe Kapler has the attention of a hummingbird. “Hey, Seranthony Dominguez has been great–Wow, is that honey? That’s high in sugar–Is that a tree? I’m gonna go bang my head against that–Is that a walk? I have to pull the pitcher.” That’s Kapler managing.
Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners 9 Ks, ERA at 3.63. First off, I don’t trust him fully. Feel the need to say that, before I say this: his numbers are gorgeous. His velocity is up two miles per hour to 94+; his Ks are up from 5.5 to 9.1; his command has always been great and still is. The percentage of pitches a batter swings at outside the strike zone on him is uncommonly bad. The positive on that is hitters are swinging at balls in the strike zone and not hitting him. I hate his next matchup, but I am cyclops’ing him.
Eric Thames – Due back today from the DL. If he takes playing time from Aguilar, Thames is gonna turn Jesus into whine.
Brad Miller – Acquired by the Brewers. The Brewers trade for guys like they don’t have their depth chart in front of them. They have eighteen 1st basemen, twelve outfielders and four 2nd basemen. Maybe Miller will be stretched out for the rotation.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and two homers on Saturday. Screaming at stewardess, “You can’t take off yet, my arm is trapped outside the Buy Low Window! Also, can I get an extra bag of peanuts?”
Alex Wood – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.43. Not to get too righteous with my bad self, I told y0u to sell Wood two months ago, a Sell that was soon followed by me telling you to unload Ohtani. By the way, Ohtani was great for baseball, so I am bummed to be right on him, but the Angels said he had a UCL sprain back in December. You knew he was not right, or at least should’ve. I think the real world hype clouded peoples’ judgment. Honestly, I know it sucks, so I’m not even going full, 100% ‘I told you so’ here. Just preaching to you that you need to separate reality from fantasy. The reality was Ohtani being billed as the best thing since Babe Ruth. The fantasy was, he was never going to throw a whole season of innings.
Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .208. Dave Roberts should’ve been immediately fired when he turned in a lineup card with Hernandez batting cleanup. Only Kiké ever to hit cleanup for the Dodgers should be Shawn Green.
Sean Newcomb – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.92. More like In-that-funky-blue-water-comb.
Mike Soroka – Will come off the DL to start on Wednesday. Yes, grab him. Yes, in your league too. Yes, even yours.
Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.40 vs. Jose Urena – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.59. This matchup was billed as, “If a tree falls in the woods on top of a TV showing a Padres-Marlins game, is anyone there to complain they were watching the game?”
Willy Adames – Will be recalled shortly by the Rays. I looked at adding him in every league I was in and ended up not adding him anywhere, and he was available, if you catch my drift. If you’re not catching my drift, try about three paces to the left behind me. He could be a power/speed guy this year for mixed leagues. Willy? I don’t know.
Jose Alvarado – 1 IP, 2 ER and came into a save situation. Dot dot dot. If he was going to throw nine outs. I legit don’t think the Rays have a closer. Wait, I just thought of something! What if you can’t have a closer, if you have an opener? *black guy pointing at his head meme*
C.J. Cron – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer, hitting .258. I just thought of something else! (It’s big idea Monday! All ideas must go!) What if all Curtis Jacksons can’t throw? That’s why Curtis Jackson Cron is DH’ing. *mimes head blowing up* DUDE! BIG IDEAS MONDAY!
Mike Zunino – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .211. Everyone will be happy to know I believe I recorded my first home run by a catcher yesterday after waiver claiming Zunino last week. And I didn’t even have to use my AK, gotta say it was a good day.
Stephen Strasburg – To the DL with shoulder inflammation. Another pitcher I told you to avoid in the preseason bites the dust. Yet — again with some stank — YET! people next year will still not listen to me when I say to avoid top starters, and will instead say something like, “Kluber and Scherzer were good.” Yeah, sure, you will always pick the two starters out of 15 top starters that are safe. You go ahead with your so-called ace, while I rock Miles Mikolas, Patrick Corbin, Nick Pivetta and the Andrew Heaney’s of the world.
Adam Eaton – Activated from the DL on Saturday and didn’t start on Sunday. Eaton said, “It feels great to be back–Ugh, I think at some point between the verb and noun of that sentence I hurt myself.”
Daniel Murphy – Could return on Tuesday. If the Nats had balls, they’d be like, “Ya know what, Murphy can pinch hit once in a while and maybe start here and there, but what we have on the field is better without him.” Instead, they’ll bench someone who is performing well just because Murphy is a veteran.
Brandon Crawford – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .338. Has been out of his mind for the last month-plus, and hitting over .500 in the last week. Like your frat brother screams, “Bra-Craw!” *burp*
Leonys Martin – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and hitting leadoff again, hitting near-.300 in the last week with three steals this weekend too. Hot schmotato alert!
Artie Lewicki – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Fun fact! Your aunt, who your mother can’t stand, once dated an Artie Lewicki, and has a picture with him where she’s wearing a poodle skirt. For fantasy purposes, well, Artie was a better boyfriend than pitcher.
Carlos Martinez – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 4 hits, 7 BBs, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.50. Clearly, the coach who handled Alex Reyes and Carlos Martinez’s rehab should be hired by the Mets. I imagine C-Mart will be back on the DL by this time tomorrow.
Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.79. There’s a bit of promise there with the Ks, but he allowed two dongs like Jennifer Connelly in Requiem for a Dream and I still wouldn’t touch Castillo. The Reds have to play him, you don’t.
Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks as he was activated. I just gave you my Carlos Rodon fantasy the other day. Everything I said there now goes doubly after he pitched well in Fenway. By the way, you cannot say ‘doubly’ without sounding drunk. It’s impossible.
Reynaldo Lopez – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.26. And still don’t trust him. I know it’s unfair to be encouraged by Rodon shutting down the Sawx while being highly skeptical of Reynaldo, but why do I have to be fair?
Alex Cobb – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 7.23. This Cobb is tossed with extra trichinosis.
Curtis Granderson – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games, as he lights a small glow under a schmotato. Also, in this game, Kendrys Morales went 2-for-5 and hit his 5th homer, hitting .213. Both players homered off Cobb, which shows you’re never too old and/or crizzappy to homer off bad pitching.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and third homer this week. Do you notice a pattern besides those tartan sweatpants you’re wearing? Jays hitters are doing well because they just faced the O’s for four (stutterer!) games.
Trey Mancini – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .233. Also, in this game, Jonathan Schoop went 1-for-4 and hit his 6th homer, hitting .220. Visual metaphor alert! Someone placed smelling salts in front of Mancini, which caused him to wake, and then sneeze the salts onto Schoop. Then they sneezed back and forth on each other like Sideshow Bob walking near rakes.
Danny Duffy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.28. Yes, vs. the A’s, but a great start goes a long way to regaining my confidence. Unfortch, the Stream-o-Nator hates his next start, and I can understand why.
Sean Manaea – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Getting to the point where you can throw a dart blindfolded and have as much a chance at a bullseye as you do guessing what Manaea is going to do start to start. Also, not sure how you blindfold a dart.
Francisco Cervelli – Out after taking a foul tip off his mask. Shark Tank Idea Alert! They should make catcher’s masks like one giant Gobstopper. So after one foul tip you can see the next color underneath, and a coach can have a sheet of paper which color to look for when the catcher is in the danger zone. “Let’s see, that’s red, green, yellow and aqua…He needs a new Gobstopper on his head.” How easy would that be?
Josh Harrison – 2-for-5 and a slam (3) and legs (2). He’s assumed the mantle from Yunel as the game’s most yawnstipating player. Hopefully his mantle has a pocket for his night guard because he’s the personification of a nap.
Yu Darvish – May not return before the All-Star break. To quote Alanis reading this news update, “And I’m here, to remind Yu of the mess Yu left when Yu went away. Yu, Yu, Yu oughta know.”
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at a 2.22. At a Ramada in Parsippany, New Jersey, a convention of Saberhagenmetricians gathered to discuss Jon Lester’s great one year/terrible the next year pattern. Quickly the seminar was sidetracked by Bill who kept asking if Ramada was short for Ramadan. Bill, let it go!
Jake Cave – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and he was just recalled from the minors. He now has two homers in ten major league at-bats. Cave homered off Johnson, so I guess that means Cave got a hit off something that produces bad seeds.
Tyler Skaggs – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.08. For a second, I was thinking he was a homeschooler, and this was one great road start surrounded by mostly great home starts, but my memory was incorrect. Not close to the case. Skaggs is a sub-3 ERA guy in road starts. Giddy up! Which is close to “Gilly up” the motto on the license plates in Gilead.
Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.77. Whoa, Seth Lugo, who are you Ross Stripling? The peripherals are about as gorge for Lugo (Lugorge?) and I could see him being owned in all leagues in the landmark case of sooner vs. later. He’s likely the Mets’ 3rd best starter.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Okay, hot schmotato, but don’t make me drum up a ton of excitement about him.
Anthony Swarzak – 1 IP, 0 ER, and the save, and came in after Gsellman on Saturday too, so clearly Callaway wants Swarzak to close games, even if his last name sounds like a German epithet. I guess In Callaway’s eyes Gsellman is their Josh Hader. I will call him Jogsh Haderman. Rolls right off the tongsue!
Michael Conforto – Might be demoted to the minors. Has any team’s trainers cost a team more than the Mets? They are ruining their franchise. It’s not even funny anymore. Is there any doubt that Conforto is still struggling with his shoulder injury from last year? Does anyone seriously have any no doubt about this? Of course, a player will never say it until months after. Sometime in August, we’re gonna hear something like, “Yeah, my shoulder was still bothering me during the 1st few months of the season.” Obviously! Now the Mets are risking Conforto’s entire career. He shouldn’t be demoted, he be shut down so he can rest! What is comical and possibly ironic — only British people actually know what is ironic, Conforto might not be shut down until Yoenis returns who is piling up injury setbacks due to the same trainers!